The Political Joke Thread

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Republican Convention Schedule

Minneapolis, MN

4:00 PM - Opening Prayers and Massages Administered by Rev. Ted Haggard

4:05 PM - Presentation of Confederate Colors

4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to 9/11

4:15 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience

4:30 PM - George W. Bush Speech on Legacy of Peace and Prosperity, Canceled

4:45 PM - ####### Cheney Instructional Seminar on Waterboarding, Canceled

5:00 PM - Karl Rove Speech on Government Accountability, Canceled

5:15 PM - Tribute to the U.S. Constitution, Canceled

5:30 PM - VP Beauty Contest and Swimsuit Competition, featuring Sarah Palin, Condoleezza Rice, and Rudy Giuliani

5:45 PM - Tribute Film to John McCain's Houses

6:00 PM - Free Jack Abramoff Pep Rally

6:15 PM - Free Tom DeLay Pep Rally

6:30 PM - Free Ted Stevens Pep Rally

6:45 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience

7:00 PM - VP Briefing Session: The Busy Mom's Guide to Battling Islamic Terrorism

7:15 PM - Larry Craig "Family Values" Lecture and Toe-Tapping Exhibition

7:30 PM - Restroom Break

7:45 PM - Invitation to "Strip Down and Get Relaxed," delivered by Mark Foley via Instant Message

8:00 PM - Lecture on the Effectiveness of Abstinence-Only Education – Sarah Palin

8:15 PM - Accidental Reference to "Obama bin Laden"

8:30 PM - Tribute to a "Nation of Whiners" – McCain Economic Adviser Phil Gramm

8:45 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience

9:00 PM - Group Sing–Along: "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran"

9:15 PM - Mitt Romney Endorsement of Jockey Underwear

9:30 PM - Joke Interlude: McCain Tells the One About the Lawyer and the Catfish

9:45 PM - Rallying Call to "Drill Here, Drill Now," Followed by Unveiling of an Oil Rig on Speaker's Platform

10:00 PM - Halliburton Seminar: Profiting from the Next 100 Years of War in Iraq

10:15 PM - Parade of Alaskan Delegates Across Glitter-Encrusted Bridge to Nowhere, led by Sarah Palin

10:30 PM - Ceremonial Shattering of Glass Ceiling with Shotgun Blast Fired by Palin

11:00 PM - John McCain Acceptance Speech and Plea to Delegates to "Get Off My Lawns"

11:30 PM - Closing Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience

12:00 AM - Rapture and Farewell to Bush and Cheney

........................

Democratic Convention Schedule

Denver, Colorado

4:00 PM – Opening Flag Burning Ceremony

4:05 PM – Singing of "God Damn America" led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright

4:10 PM – Pledge of Allegiance to Obama

4:15 PM – Ceremonial Terrorist Fist-Jab led by Michelle Obama

4:30 PM – Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire – Hillary Clinton

4:45 PM – Jesse Jackson Leads Castrati Choir in Singing "Great Balls of Fire"

5:00 PM – UFO Abduction Survival Tips – Dennis Kucinich

5:15 PM – John Edwards Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Hotel Bathroom

5:30 PM – Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Emperors VIP Club

5:45 PM – Tribute to All 57 States Obama Has Visited

6:00 PM – Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Acceptance Speech Featuring a 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer

8:30 PM – Airing of Grievances by the Clintons

8:45 PM – Hillary Clinton Releases Her Delegates and Flying Monkeys

9:00 PM – Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl

9:15 PM – Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo – Michael Moore

9:30 PM – Exclusive Panties-Optional Celebrity Party Hosted by Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

9:45 PM – Personal Finance Seminar – Congressman William "Cold Cash" Jefferson

10:00 PM – Denunciation of Bitter and Clingy Gun Owners

10:30 PM – Ceremonial Denial of Progress in Iraq and Waving of White Flag

11:00 PM – Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration

11:15 PM – Free Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick Pep Rally

11:30 PM – Al Gore Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards

11:45 PM – Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish – Obama Presiding

12:00 AM – Official Nomination of Obama via Text Message Sent by Scarlett Johansson

12:01 AM – Barack Obama Accepts Nomination for Lord and Savior

12:05 AM – Celestial Choirs Sing

3:00 AM – Hillary Clinton Delivers Acceptance Speech

[one...two...tree 2,762]

"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." –Bill Maher

"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF." –Bill Maher

"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." –Bill Maher

"Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it!" --Jay Leno

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We live in serious times. This is no time for mirth!

[SteveLaura 0]

McCain used to know a very funny joke about Chelsea Clinton. But, like a lot of things, he's forgotten it.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

McCain used to know a very funny joke about Chelsea Clinton. But, like a lot of things, he's forgotten it.

ooooooooooooooh

he went there!

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

5:30 PM - VP Beauty Contest and Swimsuit Competition, featuring Sarah Palin, Condoleezza Rice, and Rudy Giuliani

and i missed that!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

"38 million people watched Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, 'We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.'" –Bill Maher

"Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said, well, yes, that will connect him with the angry working-class voters." –David Letterman

"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson

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"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Marilyn. 340]

[one...two...tree 2,762]

"Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." --Jay Leno

[IAMX 3,055]

"38 million people watched Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, 'We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.'" –Bill Maher

More brilliance from from Bill Maher:

"What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country."

"When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain. "

"The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?' "

"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."

[one...two...tree 2,762]

"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel

[beejay 123]

RNC Drinking Game:

Take a drink whenever at least five American flags or two bald eagles are visible at the same time.

Take a drink when the Republicans trot out their celebrity supporters. Take another if it's anyone other than Angie Harmon.

Take a drink if the Republicans have Kenny Chesney sing the details of their long-term Middle East policy.

Take a drink if the camera shows one of President Bush's daughters, and you can just tell they're gonna vote for Obama.

Take a drink if the convention hall blares a song by a musician who is clearly not a Republican. Take another if that song's lyrics are clearly about drugs or sex, but nobody seems to know it.

Take a drink if, in the middle of his speech, John McCain begins drilling into the stage for oil.

Take a drink if you see a young Republican hottie and are simultaneously aroused and furious.

Take a drink if Fox News praises any of the speeches before they've been given.

Take a drink if President Bush, appearing via satellite, gives a Daniel Webster-quality speech that leaves you in tears, praying to God that the presidential term limit gets repealed.

Take a drink if John McCain brags about having hung out with Daniel Webster in the Senate cloak room.

Take a drink every time Sarah Palin promises to bring down the skyrocketing price of Alaskan King Salmon.

Take a drink if the Republicans highlight their diversity by showing, in rapid succession, any three of the following: a woman, a black person, an Asian, a teenager, a gay viking, a Hispanic centaur.

Take a drink if McCain does a cute old-guy thing, like trying to learn the Soulja Boy dance or if his pants fall down, and you go "aww" and decide to vote for him.

Take a drink if Palin and McCain huddle offstage and pray their asses off for more hurricanes for President Bush to go visit.

Take a drink if Sarah Palin addresses the PUMAs with the exciting news that she will name her soon-to-be-born grandchild Hillary.

Take a drink if Obama is referred to as "Barack Hussein Obama," "Barack Osama," or "Khalid Sheikh Muhamm-Obama."

Take a drink if John McCain mispronounces "Internet" or calls a computer a "future-box."

Take a drink if a Republican sneeringly mentions Barbra Streisand without mentioning her distinguished career of bringing joy to fans of stage and screen.

Take a drink if you hadn't heard of Sarah Palin until last week. Take another drink if John McCain admits he hadn't heard of Sarah Palin until last week either.

Take a drink if McCain tries to win the youth vote by giving out some delicious penny candy.

Take a drink when the Republicans bring out noted conservative rapper hannity.i.am.

Take a drink if, re: his v.p. choice, John McCain politely asks for a mulligan.

Take a drink when John McCain takes his mid-convention nap.

Take a drink if George W. Bush's speech is preceded with the following: "The views expressed here are the sole propriety of the speaker and do not necessarily reflect the views of the candidate. Like not at all. Seriously."

Take a drink if McCain writes out his energy policy on the pelt of a dead polar bear.

Take a drink if McCain pauses to gather himself before having to say "Ahmadinejad," then pauses afterwards for applause.

Take a drink if someone you're watching with angrily says, "I can't watch this anymore" and leaves the room.

Jeremy Bronson is a writer for Comedy Central's "Chocolate News" and Daniel Chun is a writer for "The Simpsons."

© The New Republic 2008

http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=...1b-625a36cd8029

DNC Drinking Game:

Take a drink every time Obama reminds you of JFK, but only because your knowledge of historical figures is limited.

Take a drink every time the Republicans are blamed for high gas prices, the weak economy, or America's loss in Olympic softball.

Take a drink every time TV commentators say the words "punditry," "blogosphere," or "Obamania."

Take a drink if you've heard of Senators Jeff Bingaman, Maria Cantwell, Dean Burgess, or Amy Klobuchar. Take another if you knew that there is no Dean Burgess in the Senate.

Take a drink every time Obama stands in the light in such a way as to make you believe his skin color is a mix of red, white and blue.

Take a drink every time Evan Bayh says, "I didn't want v.p. anyway ... Postmaster General's where the real power's at."

Take a drink if either Iraq or the environment are described as a "shitstorm."

Take a drink if anyone you're watching with describes Bill Richardson as "the smoking hot governor of New Sex-ico."

Take a drink for every state delegation that makes a point of showing off what state they are (Hawaiians wearing leis, Texans wearing cowboy hats, Utahans practicing polygamy, etc.)

Take a drink every time your parents give you an excuse for why they don't like Obama that can be translated as "I'm racist."

Take a drink every time Obama says something so amazing that you don't even care about your kids not having health insurance.

Take a drink if you see Jesse Jackson trying to get a peek at the convention through an air conditioning vent.

Take a drink if--when--the crowd screams for a Harry Reid encore.

Take a drink every time Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper humiliates a Republican...also known as "getting Hickenloopered."

Take a drink every time Hillary says something bad about Obama in the secret code language that all white people know.

Take a drink every time a Democrat follows up the Pledge of Allegiance with a chuckle and a "Just kidding."

Take a drink every time John Edwards shouts into a megaphone outside the Pepsi Center that he only had sex with Rielle Hunter when his wife's cancer was in remission.

Take a drink of champagne when you're filled with excitement as you realize, "Oh my god, this can really happen. A black man named Barack Obama might be elected president."

Take a shot of whiskey when that feeling is swiftly followed by dread as you think, "There's no way this is gonna happen."

Take a drink every time during Obama's speech when all other sounds fall away, and you feel as though an electric current is coursing through your veins, and for one all-too-brief moment, there are no problems, no distractions, nothing at all. Just Barack.

Take a drink every time Kathleen Sebelius says something that is flat-out funny as hell.

In honor of Ted Kennedy, take a million drinks.

Take a long, emotional swig of gin every time Hillary does.

Take a drink every time Obama solves race in America.

Jeremy Bronson is a writer for Comedy Central's "Chocolate News" and Daniel Chun is a writer for "The Simpsons."

© The New Republic 2008

http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=...c0-32f3e7d21320

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True story, although Rush probably thought he was being funny:

Columnist Molly Ivins reported (Arizona Republic 10/17/93) this incident from Limbaugh's TV show--"Here is a Limbaugh joke: Everyone knows the Clintons have a cat. Socks is the White House cat. But did you know there is a White House dog?" And he puts up a picture of Chelsea Clinton. Chelsea Clinton is 13 years old.

[nowhereman 1]

I wish I could find the cartoon but there was a guy wearing a "Fox News" shirt who said "f#*&%!g liberal" to a guy wearing a "CNN" shirt.