~Say Anything Thread~

[sunandmoon 450]

saw a thread "got waxed" in the forum today. this is a very enterprising young man...

[sunandmoon 450]

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse sh#t, your pulling my leg" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him"? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls #ss out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead sh#ttin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You SOB, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks sh#tting all over my new suit." The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

[DARUMA07 25]

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse sh#t, your pulling my leg" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him"? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls #ss out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead sh#ttin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You SOB, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks sh#tting all over my new suit." The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

.......

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address.

>

>

>

>

>

> A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out

> during a

> particularly icy winter.

>

> They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent

> their honeymoon

> 20 years earlier.

>

>

>

> Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate

> their travel

> itineraries.

>

> So, the husband flew down to Florida on Thursday, with his

> wife flying

> down the following day.

>

>

>

> The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in

> his room, so

> he decided to send an email to his wife.

>

> However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email

> address, and

> without realizing his error, sent the email.

>

>

>

> Meanwhile in Houston, a widow had just returned home from

> her husbands

> funeral.

>

> He was a minister who was called home to glory following a

> heart attack.

>

>

>

>

> The widow decided to check her email expecting messages

> from relatives

> and friends.

>

> After reading the first message she screamed and fainted.

>

>

>

> The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother

> on the floor and

> saw the computer screen which read:

>

>

>

> To: My loving wife

>

> Subject: I've arrived

>

> Date: October 16, 2007

>

>

>

> I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have

> computers here now

> and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

>

> I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that

> everything has

> been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

>

>

>

> Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as

> uneventful

> as mine was.

>

>

>

>

>

> P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

>

>

[sunandmoon 450]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address.

>

>

>

>

>

> A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out

> during a

> particularly icy winter.

>

> They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent

> their honeymoon

> 20 years earlier.

>

>

>

> Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate

> their travel

> itineraries.

>

> So, the husband flew down to Florida on Thursday, with his

> wife flying

> down the following day.

>

>

>

> The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in

> his room, so

> he decided to send an email to his wife.

>

> However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email

> address, and

> without realizing his error, sent the email.

>

>

>

> Meanwhile in Houston, a widow had just returned home from

> her husbands

> funeral.

>

> He was a minister who was called home to glory following a

> heart attack.

>

>

>

>

> The widow decided to check her email expecting messages

> from relatives

> and friends.

>

> After reading the first message she screamed and fainted.

>

>

>

> The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother

> on the floor and

> saw the computer screen which read:

>

>

>

> To: My loving wife

>

> Subject: I've arrived

>

> Date: October 16, 2007

>

>

>

> I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have

> computers here now

> and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

>

> I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that

> everything has

> been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

>

>

>

> Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as

> uneventful

> as mine was.

>

>

>

>

>

> P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

>

>

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[DARUMA07 25]

Good ones Roy!

[Rocky_nBullwinkle 6]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(Or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family

values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my

intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,

cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court

Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and

then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took

the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take

to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks

him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in

surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of

bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had

even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

....................................................................

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of

thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even

more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's

there.'

[Ban Hammer 13,258]

[Robert E Lee 0]

Here's a driving application used in my neck of the woods!

Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your

major?

[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you

are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen

____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse

____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

[HappyDancer 7]

Is venting included in this thread? I just wanna say I hate malicious and gossipy people that live so long and go out of their way to destroy people's lives and careers.

There...

[Ban Hammer 13,258]

Here's a driving application used in my neck of the woods!

Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your

major?

[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you

are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen

____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse

____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

[Robert E Lee 0]

Is venting included in this thread? I just wanna say I hate malicious and gossipy people that live so long and go out of their way to destroy people's lives and careers.

There...

What got your feathers ruffled, nag? There ain't nobody in this thread who'd "destroy people's lives and careers". You be like the old lady who fell out of the wagon, granny.

[Ban Hammer 13,258]

Is venting included in this thread? I just wanna say I hate malicious and gossipy people that live so long and go out of their way to destroy people's lives and careers.

There...

What got your feathers ruffled, nag? There ain't nobody in this thread who'd "destroy people's lives and careers". You be like the old lady who fell out of the wagon, granny.

this is the say anything thread, so her remarks are not off topic. however, comments like yours are a sure fire way to get some unwanted attention, so you may find it in your best interests to not attack her.

[DARUMA07 25]

Is venting included in this thread? I just wanna say I hate malicious and gossipy people that live so long and go out of their way to destroy people's lives and careers.

There...

You must of met my wicked sister-in-law?

Here's a driving application used in my neck of the woods!

Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your

major?

[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you

are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen

____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse

____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

That road sure looks familar Charles. Looks like Arkansas to me.......

[Ban Hammer 13,258]

That road sure looks familar Charles. Looks like Arkansas to me.......

[sunandmoon 450]

Is venting included in this thread? I just wanna say I hate malicious and gossipy people that live so long and go out of their way to destroy people's lives and careers.

There...

it's ok to vent, I'll do a little venting myself,

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a damn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the ** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.