Thanks everyone! Porno mystery solved!

[Ahmed N Tina 2]

Thanks Morocco. It's been a long road, I'm hopeful it will be over soon. He may seem mature in most aspects and he is a very good man. But OMG, sometimes........ Let's just say we don't always see eye to eye. That said, he has given me a security I've never known or expected.

Ash * - You're blog was spot on! I gotta say, I was leery about getting on the forums and what not. But it is so great to hear and know I'm not the only one who's going through this stuff. Wish I had found this site 2 years ago!!!

Myeyes, you're right. Every part of our journey makes us more who we are meant to be. Once we're where and with who we're meant to be with and where, we just gotta start fresh. So hard to do, but not unattainable.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

One way that a person can protect their private info when using a public computer is to perform simple maintenance on the computer before leaving it.

In Vista it is hidden and much more complicated to do and requires administrative rights, but in older versions of Windows (I'm not sure about XP) it is easy. Just right click on the browser icon, and select properties. From the window that comes up find the delete cookies and delete temporary files icons and choose them one at a time. For the delete files be sure to select the checkbox that deletes any offline content too. I also clear the history on that screen.

If you've used a messenger service it is also a good idea to go to the program file for that service and delete your personal profile folder. I think on many of them it is a user folder, but I'm at work right now and can't access any messenger services to double check.

After all of those are done, empty the little trash can on the screen just to be double safe.

I would recommend checking a public computer to see if these things can be done before using it, so you have the ability to erase your personal information before you walk away.

It's a shame that people steal other people's pictures to use online, but it is true that it happens. Years ago on messenger I had two different people try to talk to me but refuse to use a webcam so I could see who I was talking to. Both of them sent me a picture of the same person (not porn, but attractive), saying it was them! Obviously at least one of them was lying, but I'm guessing both were.

I'm glad you were able to get past that in your relationship.

know what else I was thinking? It would be possible (if someone working at a cyber or owning one wanted to) they could install one of those spy programs on the cyber computers. Like the stuff "hanging in there" was mentioning on another thread. Called "spector pro" or a simular program. It is designed to duplicate every site or communication from a particular computers history! Ever if you try to delete allk the browser history. The spy program allows the person who installed and has the code to it, to see EVERYTHING that happened on the computer. That would be so easy to do!!!!! No one is safe in public I think.

Frankly, I think we try to convince ourselves because its easier to believe that our spouse is not doing stuff like this. Total strangers do not go way out of their way to break into someone s emails and create porn profiles. The reality is that alot guys sit in cyber cafes looking at women from all over the world bored in their houses doing god knows what or in paltalk sex rooms and they do it cause they are bored. I havent had the same sex discovery about my spouse but I have seen people on the boards find out their spouses were listed as bi curious and all this other stuff and for whatever reason, the American bought into what ever garbage lies he told her to get out of the situation. My husband chatted till he got here with tons of women and I could never catch him because I didnt know all the screen names. After he got here, he looked at sites I found totally inappropriate including all kinds of stuff that really hurt my feelings. I got the spector pro program so I could see line by line, page by page everything he looked at. My computers have broken twice ( 0ne he broke) the other one got a virus a few weeks ago and had to be sent back to the factory. I had a 2002 computer and I myself pulled too hard on the keyboard and the usb broke inside the port so I am back to writing from work again. I find when we dont have a computer working, hes eager to do things with me, get out, etc.When we have one , he sits on it all the time. I have a back up copy of spector pro which Iwill reinstall on the computer when it comes back and will continue to monitor whats going on. I havent seen any evidence of infidelity but I am sure with no shadow of a doubt that he was chatting up women from all over europe. Those job inquiries? They might very well be from him as well hedging his bets in Canada.

What drives me crazy is that when I have tried to talk about some of this stuff, the first reaction is to blame the petitioner. The reality is that SOME of these guys DO have evil intentions and DO do things that are duplicitous. Its important to show both sides of the coin so when one of us gets broadsided by internet infidelity, real life cheating, or green card scamming, we are able to deal with the reality of it. It is NOT in all of our heads. Some of us this is really happening to. I am in kind of a honey moon stage with my husband but not until after he shattered every bit of confidence I had left to include me wanting him even 10 feet near me when I give birth. I was correct in assuming he wasnt doing what he should be doing. I put up with stuff too long. For anyone to tell me its all my fault or imagination is #######. My husband may be doing the right thing now but he wasnt back home and he wasnt in the first months living here and I have a right to expect fidelity since I am faithful and true to him

If you see porn chat sites you also need to deal with the reality that he MAY be on these sites. These may have NOT been created by someone else. You need to have these conversations with him cause if you dont, you could end up with him over here doing this. None of what I am saying is an affront to someone elses relationship. I simply mean to say that NOT ALL situations work out and sometimes you will find hard evidence of all kinds of things. I think you should look for the best and be prepared for the worst and throw some love and understanding and forgiveness in ( with limits of course)

To ignore the likelihood that this may very well be your husband doing this leaves you vulnerable. I would really take a a hard look at things and make sure he understands that your house wont be the porn lovers cyber cafe.. that this stuff really is offensive and makes you feel unloved.

Im sorry Wah. but, also not everyone is bad. Not everyone is destined for a failed relationship. Not everyone is going to catch their husbands whoring around. Also, I havent seen anyone blaming the petitiner here either.

Im not saying it doesnt happen. Im not saying that people talk themselves into the lies being thrown at them. (not talking about the OP).

But, you know what? How on earth could one have a healthy,honest relationship with the constant fear that they are going to be used,cheated or anything else. On the flip side... knowing the person you love and is suppose to love you is waiting around for you to turn "bad" or make a mistake has got to be a hard thing to deal with. I know I couldnt deal with that pressure. I'd run away fast!!

This process and the distance plays dirty tricks on everyone. That doesnt mean there's evil running amuck. Trusting your insticts is crucial of course, but if your instict is: everyone is going to hurt and use me, well then thats not instict, thats your head.

Right, people can hurt you. People will use you. There are truly evil people in this world who will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want and have no problem using people for as long as they need them. But that is EVERYWHERE, and it's not a given. If someone has been used over and over again, I suggest the adjust their "picker"... they are the common denominator.

I just had to say all of that, I feel much better now.

To the OP, Im glad you are at peace with the situation.

Here is the problem Y. Or what I see as the problem. I don't think I entered into this relationship thinking any of this. I also think if I saw my husband day to day when he was there and watched his interactions with women and knew more than you can know meeting someone a couple of times and then marrying him, that I most likely would have 1. waited to petition and marry him until I knew him better or b. Not married him at all.

Ironically we are getting along pretty well right now but thats really been 100 percent him. He finally started applying for jobs. He finally started eating food and not criticising every single thing about the states. We went without internet at home for weeks on end ( and its still off) He started attending english school and trying to get to know things.

You have to be really careful ( not you but anyone) not to throw the blame on the petitioner based on your postitive experience. If someone on the boards is having frightening things happening to them that are very culturally based or rooted in personality, you need to let them talk about it. There are definite bonuses and risks involved with marrying a person from overseas based alone on the fact that immigration status is involved. Getting out of an impoverished situation will encourage an entire family to become complicit in aiding someone to dupe an american for just long enough to get here, establish themself and leave. Now why am I bringing this up? For as much as my husband " loves " me, I dont think the series of things he s done both back home and here reflect this "love" at all. We dont have a hard core looks or age disparity ( equal in attractiveness) There are religious commonalities as well as I get along with his family etc. But I think if I was from there , I would have never been a candidate for marriage with him. In his culture, virginity is prized, people dont typically marry women older than them and there is a laundry list of things that dont add up. Do I think that no one could fall in love that was outside of that parameter? Yes, I think love can exist and pop up everywhere. Do I think my husband loved me? No. I think the abuse he has dished out metered with the internet and everything else are a clear indication that he did not love me and was using me. Why do I feel the need to talk about it? Because I feel like its important to be able to talk about ALL the possible outcomes that we can have marrying both out of culture and our own ages and backgrounds. I would never want any one reading these boards to NOT realise if they were being mistreated, that they were the only ones going through this. You , Y habitk , are having an all in all positive experience. Lots of people do. I am finally seeing SOME LIGHT at the end of the tunnel as my baby will be here soon. He has put the baby bed together and is being a decent human being. But before I got this place, I have faced horrific verbal abuse, infidelity and my things broken. I am NOT taking responsibility for his rages and dissatisfaction for being here. He married me for papers and to make money. If hes started caring about me along the way, thats because he has made a conscious choice to be kinder to me. I was all sunshine and hopes when he deplaned 3 months ago. Its temper tantrums and chatting and breaking my things and refusing to work that got me to the point that I threw my hands up and walked away.

Its not that bad things are inevitable. Things can and will work themselves out. Hopefully they will in my case. But to somehow say I was looking for bad and somehow self created it by being negative is #######. I am the same person I was 3 months ago. Hes just decided to try to make things work and that making me cry was getting him no where.

The only person that can determine if these guys get along over here or not are the guys themselves. I am not at 9 months pregnant carrying any more of the responisibility of making his life for him. Hes got to want to make it here and got to want to fit in and be part of things...its important that all of us share whats happening with the others so we can help others not feel alone. Things are going much better but it wasnt without 3 full months of pure hell. He even has admitted to me that if he would have tried a little harder,hed be so much farther by now

CHEERS AND LOVE YOU ALL

[Staashi 371]

One way that a person can protect their private info when using a public computer is to perform simple maintenance on the computer before leaving it.

In Vista it is hidden and much more complicated to do and requires administrative rights, but in older versions of Windows (I'm not sure about XP) it is easy. Just right click on the browser icon, and select properties. From the window that comes up find the delete cookies and delete temporary files icons and choose them one at a time. For the delete files be sure to select the checkbox that deletes any offline content too. I also clear the history on that screen.

If you've used a messenger service it is also a good idea to go to the program file for that service and delete your personal profile folder. I think on many of them it is a user folder, but I'm at work right now and can't access any messenger services to double check.

After all of those are done, empty the little trash can on the screen just to be double safe.

I would recommend checking a public computer to see if these things can be done before using it, so you have the ability to erase your personal information before you walk away.

It's a shame that people steal other people's pictures to use online, but it is true that it happens. Years ago on messenger I had two different people try to talk to me but refuse to use a webcam so I could see who I was talking to. Both of them sent me a picture of the same person (not porn, but attractive), saying it was them! Obviously at least one of them was lying, but I'm guessing both were.

I'm glad you were able to get past that in your relationship.

know what else I was thinking? It would be possible (if someone working at a cyber or owning one wanted to) they could install one of those spy programs on the cyber computers. Like the stuff "hanging in there" was mentioning on another thread. Called "spector pro" or a simular program. It is designed to duplicate every site or communication from a particular computers history! Ever if you try to delete allk the browser history. The spy program allows the person who installed and has the code to it, to see EVERYTHING that happened on the computer. That would be so easy to do!!!!! No one is safe in public I think.

Frankly, I think we try to convince ourselves because its easier to believe that our spouse is not doing stuff like this. Total strangers do not go way out of their way to break into someone s emails and create porn profiles. The reality is that alot guys sit in cyber cafes looking at women from all over the world bored in their houses doing god knows what or in paltalk sex rooms and they do it cause they are bored. I havent had the same sex discovery about my spouse but I have seen people on the boards find out their spouses were listed as bi curious and all this other stuff and for whatever reason, the American bought into what ever garbage lies he told her to get out of the situation. My husband chatted till he got here with tons of women and I could never catch him because I didnt know all the screen names. After he got here, he looked at sites I found totally inappropriate including all kinds of stuff that really hurt my feelings. I got the spector pro program so I could see line by line, page by page everything he looked at. My computers have broken twice ( 0ne he broke) the other one got a virus a few weeks ago and had to be sent back to the factory. I had a 2002 computer and I myself pulled too hard on the keyboard and the usb broke inside the port so I am back to writing from work again. I find when we dont have a computer working, hes eager to do things with me, get out, etc.When we have one , he sits on it all the time. I have a back up copy of spector pro which Iwill reinstall on the computer when it comes back and will continue to monitor whats going on. I havent seen any evidence of infidelity but I am sure with no shadow of a doubt that he was chatting up women from all over europe. Those job inquiries? They might very well be from him as well hedging his bets in Canada.

What drives me crazy is that when I have tried to talk about some of this stuff, the first reaction is to blame the petitioner. The reality is that SOME of these guys DO have evil intentions and DO do things that are duplicitous. Its important to show both sides of the coin so when one of us gets broadsided by internet infidelity, real life cheating, or green card scamming, we are able to deal with the reality of it. It is NOT in all of our heads. Some of us this is really happening to. I am in kind of a honey moon stage with my husband but not until after he shattered every bit of confidence I had left to include me wanting him even 10 feet near me when I give birth. I was correct in assuming he wasnt doing what he should be doing. I put up with stuff too long. For anyone to tell me its all my fault or imagination is #######. My husband may be doing the right thing now but he wasnt back home and he wasnt in the first months living here and I have a right to expect fidelity since I am faithful and true to him

If you see porn chat sites you also need to deal with the reality that he MAY be on these sites. These may have NOT been created by someone else. You need to have these conversations with him cause if you dont, you could end up with him over here doing this. None of what I am saying is an affront to someone elses relationship. I simply mean to say that NOT ALL situations work out and sometimes you will find hard evidence of all kinds of things. I think you should look for the best and be prepared for the worst and throw some love and understanding and forgiveness in ( with limits of course)

To ignore the likelihood that this may very well be your husband doing this leaves you vulnerable. I would really take a a hard look at things and make sure he understands that your house wont be the porn lovers cyber cafe.. that this stuff really is offensive and makes you feel unloved.

Im sorry Wah. but, also not everyone is bad. Not everyone is destined for a failed relationship. Not everyone is going to catch their husbands whoring around. Also, I havent seen anyone blaming the petitiner here either.

Im not saying it doesnt happen. Im not saying that people talk themselves into the lies being thrown at them. (not talking about the OP).

But, you know what? How on earth could one have a healthy,honest relationship with the constant fear that they are going to be used,cheated or anything else. On the flip side... knowing the person you love and is suppose to love you is waiting around for you to turn "bad" or make a mistake has got to be a hard thing to deal with. I know I couldnt deal with that pressure. I'd run away fast!!

This process and the distance plays dirty tricks on everyone. That doesnt mean there's evil running amuck. Trusting your insticts is crucial of course, but if your instict is: everyone is going to hurt and use me, well then thats not instict, thats your head.

Right, people can hurt you. People will use you. There are truly evil people in this world who will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want and have no problem using people for as long as they need them. But that is EVERYWHERE, and it's not a given. If someone has been used over and over again, I suggest the adjust their "picker"... they are the common denominator.

I just had to say all of that, I feel much better now.

To the OP, Im glad you are at peace with the situation.

Here is the problem Y. Or what I see as the problem. I don't think I entered into this relationship thinking any of this. I also think if I saw my husband day to day when he was there and watched his interactions with women and knew more than you can know meeting someone a couple of times and then marrying him, that I most likely would have 1. waited to petition and marry him until I knew him better or b. Not married him at all.

Ironically we are getting along pretty well right now but thats really been 100 percent him. He finally started applying for jobs. He finally started eating food and not criticising every single thing about the states. We went without internet at home for weeks on end ( and its still off) He started attending english school and trying to get to know things.

You have to be really careful ( not you but anyone) not to throw the blame on the petitioner based on your postitive experience. If someone on the boards is having frightening things happening to them that are very culturally based or rooted in personality, you need to let them talk about it. There are definite bonuses and risks involved with marrying a person from overseas based alone on the fact that immigration status is involved. Getting out of an impoverished situation will encourage an entire family to become complicit in aiding someone to dupe an american for just long enough to get here, establish themself and leave. Now why am I bringing this up? For as much as my husband " loves " me, I dont think the series of things he s done both back home and here reflect this "love" at all. We dont have a hard core looks or age disparity ( equal in attractiveness) There are religious commonalities as well as I get along with his family etc. But I think if I was from there , I would have never been a candidate for marriage with him. In his culture, virginity is prized, people dont typically marry women older than them and there is a laundry list of things that dont add up. Do I think that no one could fall in love that was outside of that parameter? Yes, I think love can exist and pop up everywhere. Do I think my husband loved me? No. I think the abuse he has dished out metered with the internet and everything else are a clear indication that he did not love me and was using me. Why do I feel the need to talk about it? Because I feel like its important to be able to talk about ALL the possible outcomes that we can have marrying both out of culture and our own ages and backgrounds. I would never want any one reading these boards to NOT realise if they were being mistreated, that they were the only ones going through this. You , Y habitk , are having an all in all positive experience. Lots of people do. I am finally seeing SOME LIGHT at the end of the tunnel as my baby will be here soon. He has put the baby bed together and is being a decent human being. But before I got this place, I have faced horrific verbal abuse, infidelity and my things broken. I am NOT taking responsibility for his rages and dissatisfaction for being here. He married me for papers and to make money. If hes started caring about me along the way, thats because he has made a conscious choice to be kinder to me. I was all sunshine and hopes when he deplaned 3 months ago. Its temper tantrums and chatting and breaking my things and refusing to work that got me to the point that I threw my hands up and walked away.

Its not that bad things are inevitable. Things can and will work themselves out. Hopefully they will in my case. But to somehow say I was looking for bad and somehow self created it by being negative is #######. I am the same person I was 3 months ago. Hes just decided to try to make things work and that making me cry was getting him no where.

The only person that can determine if these guys get along over here or not are the guys themselves. I am not at 9 months pregnant carrying any more of the responisibility of making his life for him. Hes got to want to make it here and got to want to fit in and be part of things...its important that all of us share whats happening with the others so we can help others not feel alone. Things are going much better but it wasnt without 3 full months of pure hell. He even has admitted to me that if he would have tried a little harder,hed be so much farther by now

CHEERS AND LOVE YOU ALL

Bless you, K - all the best. I hope that it gets better...truer words were never spoken. Sometimes people need to step back and ask themselves, "Why is ______ in love with me?" If things seem to fit in place, great, but if not, you need to think hard about the decision to be a proponent of a greencard marriage. I think many men who come on these boards and are with women from Asian, Eastern Europe/Russia, and Latin American countries acknowledge that their spouses are probably from a situation where they are looking to improve their situations through marriage to an American man. Many times, it is difficult for a woman to admit that she might have been party to a green card marriage. She wants to believe that she is loved and adored because of who she is, not because of her citizenship.

[Nothing1234 2]

One way that a person can protect their private info when using a public computer is to perform simple maintenance on the computer before leaving it.

In Vista it is hidden and much more complicated to do and requires administrative rights, but in older versions of Windows (I'm not sure about XP) it is easy. Just right click on the browser icon, and select properties. From the window that comes up find the delete cookies and delete temporary files icons and choose them one at a time. For the delete files be sure to select the checkbox that deletes any offline content too. I also clear the history on that screen.

If you've used a messenger service it is also a good idea to go to the program file for that service and delete your personal profile folder. I think on many of them it is a user folder, but I'm at work right now and can't access any messenger services to double check.

After all of those are done, empty the little trash can on the screen just to be double safe.

I would recommend checking a public computer to see if these things can be done before using it, so you have the ability to erase your personal information before you walk away.

It's a shame that people steal other people's pictures to use online, but it is true that it happens. Years ago on messenger I had two different people try to talk to me but refuse to use a webcam so I could see who I was talking to. Both of them sent me a picture of the same person (not porn, but attractive), saying it was them! Obviously at least one of them was lying, but I'm guessing both were.

I'm glad you were able to get past that in your relationship.

know what else I was thinking? It would be possible (if someone working at a cyber or owning one wanted to) they could install one of those spy programs on the cyber computers. Like the stuff "hanging in there" was mentioning on another thread. Called "spector pro" or a simular program. It is designed to duplicate every site or communication from a particular computers history! Ever if you try to delete allk the browser history. The spy program allows the person who installed and has the code to it, to see EVERYTHING that happened on the computer. That would be so easy to do!!!!! No one is safe in public I think.

Frankly, I think we try to convince ourselves because its easier to believe that our spouse is not doing stuff like this. Total strangers do not go way out of their way to break into someone s emails and create porn profiles. The reality is that alot guys sit in cyber cafes looking at women from all over the world bored in their houses doing god knows what or in paltalk sex rooms and they do it cause they are bored. I havent had the same sex discovery about my spouse but I have seen people on the boards find out their spouses were listed as bi curious and all this other stuff and for whatever reason, the American bought into what ever garbage lies he told her to get out of the situation. My husband chatted till he got here with tons of women and I could never catch him because I didnt know all the screen names. After he got here, he looked at sites I found totally inappropriate including all kinds of stuff that really hurt my feelings. I got the spector pro program so I could see line by line, page by page everything he looked at. My computers have broken twice ( 0ne he broke) the other one got a virus a few weeks ago and had to be sent back to the factory. I had a 2002 computer and I myself pulled too hard on the keyboard and the usb broke inside the port so I am back to writing from work again. I find when we dont have a computer working, hes eager to do things with me, get out, etc.When we have one , he sits on it all the time. I have a back up copy of spector pro which Iwill reinstall on the computer when it comes back and will continue to monitor whats going on. I havent seen any evidence of infidelity but I am sure with no shadow of a doubt that he was chatting up women from all over europe. Those job inquiries? They might very well be from him as well hedging his bets in Canada.

What drives me crazy is that when I have tried to talk about some of this stuff, the first reaction is to blame the petitioner. The reality is that SOME of these guys DO have evil intentions and DO do things that are duplicitous. Its important to show both sides of the coin so when one of us gets broadsided by internet infidelity, real life cheating, or green card scamming, we are able to deal with the reality of it. It is NOT in all of our heads. Some of us this is really happening to. I am in kind of a honey moon stage with my husband but not until after he shattered every bit of confidence I had left to include me wanting him even 10 feet near me when I give birth. I was correct in assuming he wasnt doing what he should be doing. I put up with stuff too long. For anyone to tell me its all my fault or imagination is #######. My husband may be doing the right thing now but he wasnt back home and he wasnt in the first months living here and I have a right to expect fidelity since I am faithful and true to him

If you see porn chat sites you also need to deal with the reality that he MAY be on these sites. These may have NOT been created by someone else. You need to have these conversations with him cause if you dont, you could end up with him over here doing this. None of what I am saying is an affront to someone elses relationship. I simply mean to say that NOT ALL situations work out and sometimes you will find hard evidence of all kinds of things. I think you should look for the best and be prepared for the worst and throw some love and understanding and forgiveness in ( with limits of course)

To ignore the likelihood that this may very well be your husband doing this leaves you vulnerable. I would really take a a hard look at things and make sure he understands that your house wont be the porn lovers cyber cafe.. that this stuff really is offensive and makes you feel unloved.

Im sorry Wah. but, also not everyone is bad. Not everyone is destined for a failed relationship. Not everyone is going to catch their husbands whoring around. Also, I havent seen anyone blaming the petitiner here either.

Im not saying it doesnt happen. Im not saying that people talk themselves into the lies being thrown at them. (not talking about the OP).

But, you know what? How on earth could one have a healthy,honest relationship with the constant fear that they are going to be used,cheated or anything else. On the flip side... knowing the person you love and is suppose to love you is waiting around for you to turn "bad" or make a mistake has got to be a hard thing to deal with. I know I couldnt deal with that pressure. I'd run away fast!!

This process and the distance plays dirty tricks on everyone. That doesnt mean there's evil running amuck. Trusting your insticts is crucial of course, but if your instict is: everyone is going to hurt and use me, well then thats not instict, thats your head.

Right, people can hurt you. People will use you. There are truly evil people in this world who will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want and have no problem using people for as long as they need them. But that is EVERYWHERE, and it's not a given. If someone has been used over and over again, I suggest the adjust their "picker"... they are the common denominator.

I just had to say all of that, I feel much better now.

To the OP, Im glad you are at peace with the situation.

Here is the problem Y. Or what I see as the problem. I don't think I entered into this relationship thinking any of this. I also think if I saw my husband day to day when he was there and watched his interactions with women and knew more than you can know meeting someone a couple of times and then marrying him, that I most likely would have 1. waited to petition and marry him until I knew him better or b. Not married him at all.

Ironically we are getting along pretty well right now but thats really been 100 percent him. He finally started applying for jobs. He finally started eating food and not criticising every single thing about the states. We went without internet at home for weeks on end ( and its still off) He started attending english school and trying to get to know things.

You have to be really careful ( not you but anyone) not to throw the blame on the petitioner based on your postitive experience. If someone on the boards is having frightening things happening to them that are very culturally based or rooted in personality, you need to let them talk about it. There are definite bonuses and risks involved with marrying a person from overseas based alone on the fact that immigration status is involved. Getting out of an impoverished situation will encourage an entire family to become complicit in aiding someone to dupe an american for just long enough to get here, establish themself and leave. Now why am I bringing this up? For as much as my husband " loves " me, I dont think the series of things he s done both back home and here reflect this "love" at all. We dont have a hard core looks or age disparity ( equal in attractiveness) There are religious commonalities as well as I get along with his family etc. But I think if I was from there , I would have never been a candidate for marriage with him. In his culture, virginity is prized, people dont typically marry women older than them and there is a laundry list of things that dont add up. Do I think that no one could fall in love that was outside of that parameter? Yes, I think love can exist and pop up everywhere. Do I think my husband loved me? No. I think the abuse he has dished out metered with the internet and everything else are a clear indication that he did not love me and was using me. Why do I feel the need to talk about it? Because I feel like its important to be able to talk about ALL the possible outcomes that we can have marrying both out of culture and our own ages and backgrounds. I would never want any one reading these boards to NOT realise if they were being mistreated, that they were the only ones going through this. You , Y habitk , are having an all in all positive experience. Lots of people do. I am finally seeing SOME LIGHT at the end of the tunnel as my baby will be here soon. He has put the baby bed together and is being a decent human being. But before I got this place, I have faced horrific verbal abuse, infidelity and my things broken. I am NOT taking responsibility for his rages and dissatisfaction for being here. He married me for papers and to make money. If hes started caring about me along the way, thats because he has made a conscious choice to be kinder to me. I was all sunshine and hopes when he deplaned 3 months ago. Its temper tantrums and chatting and breaking my things and refusing to work that got me to the point that I threw my hands up and walked away.

Its not that bad things are inevitable. Things can and will work themselves out. Hopefully they will in my case. But to somehow say I was looking for bad and somehow self created it by being negative is #######. I am the same person I was 3 months ago. Hes just decided to try to make things work and that making me cry was getting him no where.

The only person that can determine if these guys get along over here or not are the guys themselves. I am not at 9 months pregnant carrying any more of the responisibility of making his life for him. Hes got to want to make it here and got to want to fit in and be part of things...its important that all of us share whats happening with the others so we can help others not feel alone. Things are going much better but it wasnt without 3 full months of pure hell. He even has admitted to me that if he would have tried a little harder,hed be so much farther by now

CHEERS AND LOVE YOU ALL

Bless you, K - all the best. I hope that it gets better...truer words were never spoken. Sometimes people need to step back and ask themselves, "Why is ______ in love with me?" If things seem to fit in place, great, but if not, you need to think hard about the decision to be a proponent of a greencard marriage. I think many men who come on these boards and are with women from Asian, Eastern Europe/Russia, and Latin American countries acknowledge that their spouses are probably from a situation where they are looking to improve their situations through marriage to an American man. Many times, it is difficult for a woman to admit that she might have been party to a green card marriage. She wants to believe that she is loved and adored because of who she is, not because of her citizenship.

Well said.

[Imua 0]

Very excellent post Wahrania and I believe you are right that one should not always blame the petitioner, there are two people in a marriage and both need to make it work. There is another issue that keeps bothering me though I am not having as many doubts as I was a year ago. My husband and I have a 16 year age difference and I am at the age where my fertility is waning if it is not finished by now. Yes Wahrania you got pregnant at the same age but it is a 1% chance of conceiving at our age - you got lucky especially seeing as 50% of over-40 pregnancies end in miscarriage and there is an increased chance of chromosomal defects. By the time Govi has a job and we have our own place(let's be positive and give that 2 years - we are poor, Govi doesn't have a degree and this is NYC) I'll be 44. There is an almost 100% chance babies are not in our future. Like I said we are poor, so adoption is also not an option even though Govi has blithely said we could adopt(he has nooooooo idea of how expensive and complicated it is). Although I am sure in my heart that Govi really loves me sometimes I worry that in 5-10 years he will really truly want a child and I will be unable to give one to him and he will leave me. I know that if I were Nepali there would be no way no how that he would have married me.

There is another site I visit occasionally which is dealing with age gap relationships and there is a long thread on this very topic. One long-time well-spoken(i.e. not a troll) poster said that we should just assume that the younger guy will change his mind down the line and he will leave the older woman and she should just enjoy the relationship for the moment - this is what has made me think about this issue the last few days. At my most cynical I could say these sound like the words of a 'cougar' who prowls in bars for younger guys, if one leaves then just find another. I was by no means looking for someone so much younger than myself because I didn't want to be dealing with this issue - I would have actually preferred to meet an older widower with kids that I could be a stepmom to. Would she say this if immigration were involved, if the woman had invested not only emotions but also considerable time(much spent apart) and money in making sure the couple can be together? I wonder how many childless international marriages where the man is much younger than the woman(and she is >40) have lasted more than 5-10 years? This site is dealing primarily with 'modern' American couples - how much more is this a factor when dealing with traditional societies where 'childfree' isn't an option?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

One way that a person can protect their private info when using a public computer is to perform simple maintenance on the computer before leaving it.

In Vista it is hidden and much more complicated to do and requires administrative rights, but in older versions of Windows (I'm not sure about XP) it is easy. Just right click on the browser icon, and select properties. From the window that comes up find the delete cookies and delete temporary files icons and choose them one at a time. For the delete files be sure to select the checkbox that deletes any offline content too. I also clear the history on that screen.

If you've used a messenger service it is also a good idea to go to the program file for that service and delete your personal profile folder. I think on many of them it is a user folder, but I'm at work right now and can't access any messenger services to double check.

After all of those are done, empty the little trash can on the screen just to be double safe.

I would recommend checking a public computer to see if these things can be done before using it, so you have the ability to erase your personal information before you walk away.

It's a shame that people steal other people's pictures to use online, but it is true that it happens. Years ago on messenger I had two different people try to talk to me but refuse to use a webcam so I could see who I was talking to. Both of them sent me a picture of the same person (not porn, but attractive), saying it was them! Obviously at least one of them was lying, but I'm guessing both were.

I'm glad you were able to get past that in your relationship.

know what else I was thinking? It would be possible (if someone working at a cyber or owning one wanted to) they could install one of those spy programs on the cyber computers. Like the stuff "hanging in there" was mentioning on another thread. Called "spector pro" or a simular program. It is designed to duplicate every site or communication from a particular computers history! Ever if you try to delete allk the browser history. The spy program allows the person who installed and has the code to it, to see EVERYTHING that happened on the computer. That would be so easy to do!!!!! No one is safe in public I think.

Frankly, I think we try to convince ourselves because its easier to believe that our spouse is not doing stuff like this. Total strangers do not go way out of their way to break into someone s emails and create porn profiles. The reality is that alot guys sit in cyber cafes looking at women from all over the world bored in their houses doing god knows what or in paltalk sex rooms and they do it cause they are bored. I havent had the same sex discovery about my spouse but I have seen people on the boards find out their spouses were listed as bi curious and all this other stuff and for whatever reason, the American bought into what ever garbage lies he told her to get out of the situation. My husband chatted till he got here with tons of women and I could never catch him because I didnt know all the screen names. After he got here, he looked at sites I found totally inappropriate including all kinds of stuff that really hurt my feelings. I got the spector pro program so I could see line by line, page by page everything he looked at. My computers have broken twice ( 0ne he broke) the other one got a virus a few weeks ago and had to be sent back to the factory. I had a 2002 computer and I myself pulled too hard on the keyboard and the usb broke inside the port so I am back to writing from work again. I find when we dont have a computer working, hes eager to do things with me, get out, etc.When we have one , he sits on it all the time. I have a back up copy of spector pro which Iwill reinstall on the computer when it comes back and will continue to monitor whats going on. I havent seen any evidence of infidelity but I am sure with no shadow of a doubt that he was chatting up women from all over europe. Those job inquiries? They might very well be from him as well hedging his bets in Canada.

What drives me crazy is that when I have tried to talk about some of this stuff, the first reaction is to blame the petitioner. The reality is that SOME of these guys DO have evil intentions and DO do things that are duplicitous. Its important to show both sides of the coin so when one of us gets broadsided by internet infidelity, real life cheating, or green card scamming, we are able to deal with the reality of it. It is NOT in all of our heads. Some of us this is really happening to. I am in kind of a honey moon stage with my husband but not until after he shattered every bit of confidence I had left to include me wanting him even 10 feet near me when I give birth. I was correct in assuming he wasnt doing what he should be doing. I put up with stuff too long. For anyone to tell me its all my fault or imagination is #######. My husband may be doing the right thing now but he wasnt back home and he wasnt in the first months living here and I have a right to expect fidelity since I am faithful and true to him

If you see porn chat sites you also need to deal with the reality that he MAY be on these sites. These may have NOT been created by someone else. You need to have these conversations with him cause if you dont, you could end up with him over here doing this. None of what I am saying is an affront to someone elses relationship. I simply mean to say that NOT ALL situations work out and sometimes you will find hard evidence of all kinds of things. I think you should look for the best and be prepared for the worst and throw some love and understanding and forgiveness in ( with limits of course)

To ignore the likelihood that this may very well be your husband doing this leaves you vulnerable. I would really take a a hard look at things and make sure he understands that your house wont be the porn lovers cyber cafe.. that this stuff really is offensive and makes you feel unloved.

Im sorry Wah. but, also not everyone is bad. Not everyone is destined for a failed relationship. Not everyone is going to catch their husbands whoring around. Also, I havent seen anyone blaming the petitiner here either.

Im not saying it doesnt happen. Im not saying that people talk themselves into the lies being thrown at them. (not talking about the OP).

But, you know what? How on earth could one have a healthy,honest relationship with the constant fear that they are going to be used,cheated or anything else. On the flip side... knowing the person you love and is suppose to love you is waiting around for you to turn "bad" or make a mistake has got to be a hard thing to deal with. I know I couldnt deal with that pressure. I'd run away fast!!

This process and the distance plays dirty tricks on everyone. That doesnt mean there's evil running amuck. Trusting your insticts is crucial of course, but if your instict is: everyone is going to hurt and use me, well then thats not instict, thats your head.

Right, people can hurt you. People will use you. There are truly evil people in this world who will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want and have no problem using people for as long as they need them. But that is EVERYWHERE, and it's not a given. If someone has been used over and over again, I suggest the adjust their "picker"... they are the common denominator.

I just had to say all of that, I feel much better now.

To the OP, Im glad you are at peace with the situation.

Here is the problem Y. Or what I see as the problem. I don't think I entered into this relationship thinking any of this. I also think if I saw my husband day to day when he was there and watched his interactions with women and knew more than you can know meeting someone a couple of times and then marrying him, that I most likely would have 1. waited to petition and marry him until I knew him better or b. Not married him at all.

Ironically we are getting along pretty well right now but thats really been 100 percent him. He finally started applying for jobs. He finally started eating food and not criticising every single thing about the states. We went without internet at home for weeks on end ( and its still off) He started attending english school and trying to get to know things.

You have to be really careful ( not you but anyone) not to throw the blame on the petitioner based on your postitive experience. If someone on the boards is having frightening things happening to them that are very culturally based or rooted in personality, you need to let them talk about it. There are definite bonuses and risks involved with marrying a person from overseas based alone on the fact that immigration status is involved. Getting out of an impoverished situation will encourage an entire family to become complicit in aiding someone to dupe an american for just long enough to get here, establish themself and leave. Now why am I bringing this up? For as much as my husband " loves " me, I dont think the series of things he s done both back home and here reflect this "love" at all. We dont have a hard core looks or age disparity ( equal in attractiveness) There are religious commonalities as well as I get along with his family etc. But I think if I was from there , I would have never been a candidate for marriage with him. In his culture, virginity is prized, people dont typically marry women older than them and there is a laundry list of things that dont add up. Do I think that no one could fall in love that was outside of that parameter? Yes, I think love can exist and pop up everywhere. Do I think my husband loved me? No. I think the abuse he has dished out metered with the internet and everything else are a clear indication that he did not love me and was using me. Why do I feel the need to talk about it? Because I feel like its important to be able to talk about ALL the possible outcomes that we can have marrying both out of culture and our own ages and backgrounds. I would never want any one reading these boards to NOT realise if they were being mistreated, that they were the only ones going through this. You , Y habitk , are having an all in all positive experience. Lots of people do. I am finally seeing SOME LIGHT at the end of the tunnel as my baby will be here soon. He has put the baby bed together and is being a decent human being. But before I got this place, I have faced horrific verbal abuse, infidelity and my things broken. I am NOT taking responsibility for his rages and dissatisfaction for being here. He married me for papers and to make money. If hes started caring about me along the way, thats because he has made a conscious choice to be kinder to me. I was all sunshine and hopes when he deplaned 3 months ago. Its temper tantrums and chatting and breaking my things and refusing to work that got me to the point that I threw my hands up and walked away.

Its not that bad things are inevitable. Things can and will work themselves out. Hopefully they will in my case. But to somehow say I was looking for bad and somehow self created it by being negative is #######. I am the same person I was 3 months ago. Hes just decided to try to make things work and that making me cry was getting him no where.

The only person that can determine if these guys get along over here or not are the guys themselves. I am not at 9 months pregnant carrying any more of the responisibility of making his life for him. Hes got to want to make it here and got to want to fit in and be part of things...its important that all of us share whats happening with the others so we can help others not feel alone. Things are going much better but it wasnt without 3 full months of pure hell. He even has admitted to me that if he would have tried a little harder,hed be so much farther by now

CHEERS AND LOVE YOU ALL

Bless you, K - all the best. I hope that it gets better...truer words were never spoken. Sometimes people need to step back and ask themselves, "Why is ______ in love with me?" If things seem to fit in place, great, but if not, you need to think hard about the decision to be a proponent of a greencard marriage. I think many men who come on these boards and are with women from Asian, Eastern Europe/Russia, and Latin American countries acknowledge that their spouses are probably from a situation where they are looking to improve their situations through marriage to an American man. Many times, it is difficult for a woman to admit that she might have been party to a green card marriage. She wants to believe that she is loved and adored because of who she is, not because of her citizenship.

Well I think alot of my attitude has come from being around these relationships for over 7 years ( being inside a foreign community watching several cross cultural marriages and muslim non muslim and muslim and muslim marriages etc.) I dont think there are clear indicators although I once did.

1. One marriage that had no age disparity or looks disparity. He was a little older. She was younger. Shes christian. Hes muslim. He left her 2 weeks after obtaining citizenship. Moroccan

2. Substantially older woman with younger Tunisian husband. Christian wife. Muslim husband. Got caught cheating on her with much younger hispanic girl. Own a business together. Still together

3. Very strict muslim couple. She is a revert. He is native Tunisian. 2 kids together. She is extremely pretty, younger. He kidnapped both kids back to Tunisia 2 years ago and she hasnt seen them since because Tunisia has no extradition law. Divorced seeking state department help

4.Muslim revert married to Egyptian. 1 baby together. Still together over 12 years

5.Egyptian muslim married to american christian wife. 10 years still together

6. Much older american woman married to Moroccan 15 years his junior. Left her within 2 months of receiving papers

7. American christian woman married to Tunisian muslim. One child together. Divorced her within 4 months of receiving papers. Still on good terms.

8. Palestinian doctor married to muslim revert american. 2 kids. Still married 15 years

9. Palestinian business man married to american revert. 10 years . 2 kids . still married

10. other pali business man, 2 kids, 8 years, she is much much younger american revert. Still married

Why am I recalling these couples ? Because after watching carefully since I entered Islam about 7 years ago I have seen relationships run every gamut imaginable. I have seen couples that you think have everything going including religion just implode and ones with no age differentials implode. Then there are the ones that you know that the guy is just biding his time to get out. Then you see ones that seem like they started as paper seeking relationships and morphed into something else. My husband was not the first cross cultural relationship I experienced. I had been witnessing things for over 5 to 6 years before I ever began this visa journey. I think these relationships according to statistics have a really good chance of working but when things go south there are alot of things involved

CUSTODY.. many mena countries have ABSOLUTELY NO EXTRADITION TREATY WITH THE USA( they are not members of the hague convention... period)

If your child is overseas in many mena countries on vacation with you and your husband doesnt want them to leave the country.. get ready. ... he can legally keep them there. That goes for Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Egypt and several other countries.

Are there risks involved marrying a mena person? Not more than an American I guess unless you throw child custody into the mix and then yes, there sure is if your relationship is not on a firm foundation. I can absolutely say I am not running and jumping to go overseas with my baby after he is born until I have a lot better feel for whats going on.

Why people are so reticent to talk about these risks, I dont know. Maybe talking about it makes people feel like it will happen I guess. But since I personally knew 2 children, held them and saw them that are now trapped in Tunisia and cant reunite with their mom unless she visits them herself( they cant accompany her back to the USA)and the state dept can do absolutely nothing, I have a different take on things.

When things go wrong in these marriages , they can catastrophically wrong unlike an American /American marriage.

Custody really can get dicey.

I personally am experiencing a lull in what was going on but its never far from my mind what happened. I think its better to hope for the best, be aware of what to do when you have a problem and stay positive.

When you are deeply in love, you dont think of any ramifications, including financial sponsorship or custody issues either. I have unfortunately had to face 2 of these this summer. I couldnt turn to my parents because they gave me the whole YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SPEECH. And people in the middle of positive relationships cant give you insight on how to extradite yourself ( aka cancelling papers, looking for red flags etc) Some that have already been screwed over for some reason go right back into another relationship ( certainly my case as well as others) and its hard to be empathetic when you could have learned from the first time and not done it again

Granted things are so so so so much better than they were and I am looking foward to welcoming my baby in the next couple of days..But I just wanted to explain that when I talk about things, I am talking from real life experiences and watching things than watching boards results. There are alot of things you have to see 5 years later, not 2. And knowing how person after person adjusted status ( my moroccan and arabic friends) and noticing very few are still married to the person who gave them papers gives you the hee bee jee bees. An important thing to remember is that these are mostly people here on disney and work visas and college and werent people who met on the net and developed a relationship. These are people with their clocks running out and needed to find someone to marry and fast and I think thats going to be alot more conducive to fraud than meeting someone and visiting them and developing a relationship. Thats a critical difference between the couples on the boards and someone just illegal running around trying to desperately adjust status. I am throwing this out there because sometimes I lump all of this together and you cant. The long process can weed out alot if you are observant unlike them being here and in your face showering you with love affection and a fairy tale marriage and quick romance with very bad intentions behind their actions.

I hope as I hand my baby to my husband that he feels love for me and that this all wasnt a wicked game for him to better his life. That certainly wasnt fair to me. Ive been through so much to even get him here

Hey thanks Staashi for everything and making the trip to see me and my little girl. It meant the world to me to meet and see you. You are a vibrant, kind and wonderful girl

[Staashi 371]

Very excellent post Wahrania and I believe you are right that one should not always blame the petitioner, there are two people in a marriage and both need to make it work. There is another issue that keeps bothering me though I am not having as many doubts as I was a year ago. My husband and I have a 16 year age difference and I am at the age where my fertility is waning if it is not finished by now. Yes Wahrania you got pregnant at the same age but it is a 1% chance of conceiving at our age - you got lucky especially seeing as 50% of over-40 pregnancies end in miscarriage and there is an increased chance of chromosomal defects. By the time Govi has a job and we have our own place(let's be positive and give that 2 years - we are poor, Govi doesn't have a degree and this is NYC) I'll be 44. There is an almost 100% chance babies are not in our future. Like I said we are poor, so adoption is also not an option even though Govi has blithely said we could adopt(he has nooooooo idea of how expensive and complicated it is). Although I am sure in my heart that Govi really loves me sometimes I worry that in 5-10 years he will really truly want a child and I will be unable to give one to him and he will leave me. I know that if I were Nepali there would be no way no how that he would have married me.

There is another site I visit occasionally which is dealing with age gap relationships and there is a long thread on this very topic. One long-time well-spoken(i.e. not a troll) poster said that we should just assume that the younger guy will change his mind down the line and he will leave the older woman and she should just enjoy the relationship for the moment - this is what has made me think about this issue the last few days. At my most cynical I could say these sound like the words of a 'cougar' who prowls in bars for younger guys, if one leaves then just find another. I was by no means looking for someone so much younger than myself because I didn't want to be dealing with this issue - I would have actually preferred to meet an older widower with kids that I could be a stepmom to. Would she say this if immigration were involved, if the woman had invested not only emotions but also considerable time(much spent apart) and money in making sure the couple can be together? I wonder how many childless international marriages where the man is much younger than the woman(and she is >40) have lasted more than 5-10 years? This site is dealing primarily with 'modern' American couples - how much more is this a factor when dealing with traditional societies where 'childfree' isn't an option?

I think it is good to admit this or at least understand that it could be a factor in the future. Nobody wants to imagine the worst, but you're smart in thinking about the what ifs.

I would also like to say that it doesn't matter if this happens with a foreigner or another USC, it can happen anywhere.

[morocco4ever 63]

It is sad that so many have been deceived by the one they love. I have spent time in that one forum that talk about divorce, and I am appalled at the amount of people on there that had a great marriage until they get their papers, and then magically the spouse turns abusive. I am sure there are ligit cases, but I have read it there over and over again. I am sure that there are a butt load of them that just used the US citizen for papers.

I knew for a fact when I met my husband that there was visa fraud, and to be honest I thought he was one of them. I basically played with him because I believed that he was one of them. I am ashamed of it now because I know that he was very serious in his feelings for me now, but I didn't at the start. I can't imagine how I would feel if I did have a husband that got his papers and left. I honestly think that would be the end of my trust in men....any man.

Kat I am sorry you have had to deal with so much. I am sorry you have seen so much bad out there. I am sorry you have to feel worried to travel overseas with your child. This is not something anyone should have to deal with. I hope that when this baby is born that your husband proves he loves you, and I hope he stays true to you and your child. But if not you know we will all back you up.

[Staashi 371]

Hey thanks Staashi for everything and making the trip to see me and my little girl. It meant the world to me to meet and see you. You are a vibrant, kind and wonderful girl

The pleasure was all mine...it was great to hang with you all, even though it was brief. It was great to get to know you both. I wish you all the best!

But if not you know we will all back you up.

Amen, Sister!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Very excellent post Wahrania and I believe you are right that one should not always blame the petitioner, there are two people in a marriage and both need to make it work. There is another issue that keeps bothering me though I am not having as many doubts as I was a year ago. My husband and I have a 16 year age difference and I am at the age where my fertility is waning if it is not finished by now. Yes Wahrania you got pregnant at the same age but it is a 1% chance of conceiving at our age - you got lucky especially seeing as 50% of over-40 pregnancies end in miscarriage and there is an increased chance of chromosomal defects. By the time Govi has a job and we have our own place(let's be positive and give that 2 years - we are poor, Govi doesn't have a degree and this is NYC) I'll be 44. There is an almost 100% chance babies are not in our future. Like I said we are poor, so adoption is also not an option even though Govi has blithely said we could adopt(he has nooooooo idea of how expensive and complicated it is). Although I am sure in my heart that Govi really loves me sometimes I worry that in 5-10 years he will really truly want a child and I will be unable to give one to him and he will leave me. I know that if I were Nepali there would be no way no how that he would have married me.

There is another site I visit occasionally which is dealing with age gap relationships and there is a long thread on this very topic. One long-time well-spoken(i.e. not a troll) poster said that we should just assume that the younger guy will change his mind down the line and he will leave the older woman and she should just enjoy the relationship for the moment - this is what has made me think about this issue the last few days. At my most cynical I could say these sound like the words of a 'cougar' who prowls in bars for younger guys, if one leaves then just find another. I was by no means looking for someone so much younger than myself because I didn't want to be dealing with this issue - I would have actually preferred to meet an older widower with kids that I could be a stepmom to. Would she say this if immigration were involved, if the woman had invested not only emotions but also considerable time(much spent apart) and money in making sure the couple can be together? I wonder how many childless international marriages where the man is much younger than the woman(and she is >40) have lasted more than 5-10 years? This site is dealing primarily with 'modern' American couples - how much more is this a factor when dealing with traditional societies where 'childfree' isn't an option?

You dont have to be older to deal with chromosomal defects. Lots of women in their 30s have them and there are tests to screen. 2nd, if you want to have a baby, you can always try like hell now and there are plenty of programs that will help you with milk, childcare and delivery. Dont let other people talk you out of motherhood. Patti, if you really want a baby before time runs out, I suggest you get rabbity and naked and get your baby out of this. This is your one shot to have a baby and although alot wont agree with me, I think you should eat the ravioli and get your baby out of this because you are running out of time and eggs and as seals and croft says, WE MAY NEVER PASS THIS WAY AGAIN.

I wouldnt pay attention to statistics either because at 16 years younger, he has sperm jumping all over and it only takes one as my ob says. An older woman with a egg just hanging out and 2 million sperm doing the conga has alot better chance than lets say an older woman and an older man. Its the combination of old egg with old sperm that knocks alot of women out of fertility. If you put a much younger man with an older woman with her one little egg sitting there, she has a pretty good chance of getting knocked up. No one is talking about that in their studies. But then again, how many women are doing the demi moore thing actively having sex with a much younger man. Survey says no one is admitting it,,, but think about it, most sperm donors are pretty young.. hence lots of sperm and bouncing all over.. couple that with clean living and good food overseas unlike all our preservatives and chemical exposure, you have a lot better chance of getting pregnant

READ THIS ARTICLE BY A LADY NAMED HELEN HELMSLEY

Oh, I want a baby but statistics say not in a million. I was a 42 year old woman and never married or children and had fibroids. I wanted children and my chances according to doctors was slim. I cried and I prayed to God. I begged. I wanted children and I prayed. Then, I met a man, a 30 year old guy. We dated and miraculously I got pregnant. Oh my God, I am pregnant. I was so astonished and joyous. I wanted this baby but the medical profession considered me a double wham high risk pregnancy. I beat the odds of having a child but now according to the doctors could I have a healthy child? I at this point thought it was miraculous to be pregnant. I was a healthy 42 yr old and I did all during my pregnancy that is healthy. I quit smoking, drinking, caffeine, etc... I was active. I was confident and spiritually in tune but the doctors wanted tests. I did the tests but close to labor - about 1 month - I said no more. I knew I was o.k. but the doctors wanted to test me every day 1 month to labor for high risk. I said no.

I delivered a beautiful baby girl weighing 7.2 ounces at 9.9 rictor. I was ecstatic for a week with energy and no sleep. I had a baby girl all healthy.

Two years later against doctor advise, at 44 I delivered another baby girl, all healthy, again 9.9 rictor scale.

Both girls are healthy and beautiful and very intelligent. One is 4 and the other is 5 1/2 years old. Both excel in school and are well rounded. I am the happiest mom possible.

The morale of the story is ..my spirit and my attitude defied doctors advise and I beat the odds. And, being married to a 30 year old - 12 years my junior - I feel contributed to a young embryo. My advise-you are the creator in your spirit and if you follow that then statistics is for the birds.

from HEWLETTS FERTILITY JOURNAL... read patti

Fertility, after all, is not an absolute property but a capacity that exists within couples and that varies in an individual depending on his or her partner. Hewlett's book focuses entirely on female fertility, but nearly half of all infertility problems fall on the male side of the equation. In May, for example, scientists definitively demonstrated for the first time that male age has a powerful impact on a couple's fertility. "[Thirty-five]-39-year-old men had significantly reduced ... pregnancy probabilities relative to younger men," reported a team of American and Italian scientists in Human Reproduction. Sperm banks have known for years that genetic defects and health problems accumulate in men as well as women over time. To protect clients from the "potential hazards related to aging," the American Society of Reproductive Medicine recommends that sperm banks avoid donations from anyone over 40. Just to be sure, some banks set the age bar for donors as low as 35.

Just as a man's fertility may appear to increase if he partners with a younger woman, an older woman will see her fertility jump if she selects a younger man. Human Reproduction reported that 35-year-old women whose partners are 40 or older have a significantly decreased chance of conception each month. Having an older partner can shave a 35-year-old woman's chance of conceiving each month, from a best-case shot of 29 percent to a worst-case chance of 18 percent -- the equivalent of tacking years of decline onto her reproductive capacity. That shouldn't be any great surprise, because she is adding years -- her partner's.

This new research suggests a tantalizing proposition for single women listening to a loud biological ticktock: To boost their odds of childbearing, they should date men their own age or a couple of years younger. Instead, most women marry men about two years their senior. Though your average 36-year-old female executive might not find it socially acceptable to date a 29-year-old man (or vice versa), she could still very happily work things out with, say, some nice, stable 34 year old. In the end, this could make a world of difference for her childbearing capacity -- and make her marriage more egalitarian to boot.

[Imua 0]

Thank you so much K, it is so encouraging reading this. I was feeling very emotional last night because at the temple last night there was an adorable 2 year old girl with the name that Govi and I had talked about naming our(potential) baby girl. You are right - and Govi doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs and eats lots of healthy veggies and has spent most of his life breathing clean mountain air so I imagine his little swimmers are in good shape. I had tears in my eyes reading about the woman who had her first baby at 42 - I pray that Govi and I will be so lucky and blessed.

God bless you and your family - I have been praying for you that your delivery goes well and your husband treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.

Very excellent post Wahrania and I believe you are right that one should not always blame the petitioner, there are two people in a marriage and both need to make it work. There is another issue that keeps bothering me though I am not having as many doubts as I was a year ago. My husband and I have a 16 year age difference and I am at the age where my fertility is waning if it is not finished by now. Yes Wahrania you got pregnant at the same age but it is a 1% chance of conceiving at our age - you got lucky especially seeing as 50% of over-40 pregnancies end in miscarriage and there is an increased chance of chromosomal defects. By the time Govi has a job and we have our own place(let's be positive and give that 2 years - we are poor, Govi doesn't have a degree and this is NYC) I'll be 44. There is an almost 100% chance babies are not in our future. Like I said we are poor, so adoption is also not an option even though Govi has blithely said we could adopt(he has nooooooo idea of how expensive and complicated it is). Although I am sure in my heart that Govi really loves me sometimes I worry that in 5-10 years he will really truly want a child and I will be unable to give one to him and he will leave me. I know that if I were Nepali there would be no way no how that he would have married me.

There is another site I visit occasionally which is dealing with age gap relationships and there is a long thread on this very topic. One long-time well-spoken(i.e. not a troll) poster said that we should just assume that the younger guy will change his mind down the line and he will leave the older woman and she should just enjoy the relationship for the moment - this is what has made me think about this issue the last few days. At my most cynical I could say these sound like the words of a 'cougar' who prowls in bars for younger guys, if one leaves then just find another. I was by no means looking for someone so much younger than myself because I didn't want to be dealing with this issue - I would have actually preferred to meet an older widower with kids that I could be a stepmom to. Would she say this if immigration were involved, if the woman had invested not only emotions but also considerable time(much spent apart) and money in making sure the couple can be together? I wonder how many childless international marriages where the man is much younger than the woman(and she is >40) have lasted more than 5-10 years? This site is dealing primarily with 'modern' American couples - how much more is this a factor when dealing with traditional societies where 'childfree' isn't an option?

You dont have to be older to deal with chromosomal defects. Lots of women in their 30s have them and there are tests to screen. 2nd, if you want to have a baby, you can always try like hell now and there are plenty of programs that will help you with milk, childcare and delivery. Dont let other people talk you out of motherhood. Patti, if you really want a baby before time runs out, I suggest you get rabbity and naked and get your baby out of this. This is your one shot to have a baby and although alot wont agree with me, I think you should eat the ravioli and get your baby out of this because you are running out of time and eggs and as seals and croft says, WE MAY NEVER PASS THIS WAY AGAIN.

I wouldnt pay attention to statistics either because at 16 years younger, he has sperm jumping all over and it only takes one as my ob says. An older woman with a egg just hanging out and 2 million sperm doing the conga has alot better chance than lets say an older woman and an older man. Its the combination of old egg with old sperm that knocks alot of women out of fertility. If you put a much younger man with an older woman with her one little egg sitting there, she has a pretty good chance of getting knocked up. No one is talking about that in their studies. But then again, how many women are doing the demi moore thing actively having sex with a much younger man. Survey says no one is admitting it,,, but think about it, most sperm donors are pretty young.. hence lots of sperm and bouncing all over.. couple that with clean living and good food overseas unlike all our preservatives and chemical exposure, you have a lot better chance of getting pregnant

READ THIS ARTICLE BY A LADY NAMED HELEN HELMSLEY

Oh, I want a baby but statistics say not in a million. I was a 42 year old woman and never married or children and had fibroids. I wanted children and my chances according to doctors was slim. I cried and I prayed to God. I begged. I wanted children and I prayed. Then, I met a man, a 30 year old guy. We dated and miraculously I got pregnant. Oh my God, I am pregnant. I was so astonished and joyous. I wanted this baby but the medical profession considered me a double wham high risk pregnancy. I beat the odds of having a child but now according to the doctors could I have a healthy child? I at this point thought it was miraculous to be pregnant. I was a healthy 42 yr old and I did all during my pregnancy that is healthy. I quit smoking, drinking, caffeine, etc... I was active. I was confident and spiritually in tune but the doctors wanted tests. I did the tests but close to labor - about 1 month - I said no more. I knew I was o.k. but the doctors wanted to test me every day 1 month to labor for high risk. I said no.

I delivered a beautiful baby girl weighing 7.2 ounces at 9.9 rictor. I was ecstatic for a week with energy and no sleep. I had a baby girl all healthy.

Two years later against doctor advise, at 44 I delivered another baby girl, all healthy, again 9.9 rictor scale.

Both girls are healthy and beautiful and very intelligent. One is 4 and the other is 5 1/2 years old. Both excel in school and are well rounded. I am the happiest mom possible.

The morale of the story is ..my spirit and my attitude defied doctors advise and I beat the odds. And, being married to a 30 year old - 12 years my junior - I feel contributed to a young embryo. My advise-you are the creator in your spirit and if you follow that then statistics is for the birds.

from HEWLETTS FERTILITY JOURNAL... read patti

Fertility, after all, is not an absolute property but a capacity that exists within couples and that varies in an individual depending on his or her partner. Hewlett's book focuses entirely on female fertility, but nearly half of all infertility problems fall on the male side of the equation. In May, for example, scientists definitively demonstrated for the first time that male age has a powerful impact on a couple's fertility. "[Thirty-five]-39-year-old men had significantly reduced ... pregnancy probabilities relative to younger men," reported a team of American and Italian scientists in Human Reproduction. Sperm banks have known for years that genetic defects and health problems accumulate in men as well as women over time. To protect clients from the "potential hazards related to aging," the American Society of Reproductive Medicine recommends that sperm banks avoid donations from anyone over 40. Just to be sure, some banks set the age bar for donors as low as 35.

Just as a man's fertility may appear to increase if he partners with a younger woman, an older woman will see her fertility jump if she selects a younger man. Human Reproduction reported that 35-year-old women whose partners are 40 or older have a significantly decreased chance of conception each month. Having an older partner can shave a 35-year-old woman's chance of conceiving each month, from a best-case shot of 29 percent to a worst-case chance of 18 percent -- the equivalent of tacking years of decline onto her reproductive capacity. That shouldn't be any great surprise, because she is adding years -- her partner's.

This new research suggests a tantalizing proposition for single women listening to a loud biological ticktock: To boost their odds of childbearing, they should date men their own age or a couple of years younger. Instead, most women marry men about two years their senior. Though your average 36-year-old female executive might not find it socially acceptable to date a 29-year-old man (or vice versa), she could still very happily work things out with, say, some nice, stable 34 year old. In the end, this could make a world of difference for her childbearing capacity -- and make her marriage more egalitarian to boot.

[Staashi 371]

Thank you so much K, it is so encouraging reading this. I was feeling very emotional last night because at the temple last night there was an adorable 2 year old girl with the name that Govi and I had talked about naming our(potential) baby girl. You are right - and Govi doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs and eats lots of healthy veggies and has spent most of his life breathing clean mountain air so I imagine his little swimmers are in good shape. I had tears in my eyes reading about the woman who had her first baby at 42 - I pray that Govi and I will be so lucky and blessed.

Dolma, put it in God's hands. If it's meant to happen it will. I realize that we all pray differently, but I always say the Lord's Prayer...my favorite line is "Thy will be done." Just say those 4 little words and you will know peace.

[Imua 0]

Thank you so much K, it is so encouraging reading this. I was feeling very emotional last night because at the temple last night there was an adorable 2 year old girl with the name that Govi and I had talked about naming our(potential) baby girl. You are right - and Govi doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs and eats lots of healthy veggies and has spent most of his life breathing clean mountain air so I imagine his little swimmers are in good shape. I had tears in my eyes reading about the woman who had her first baby at 42 - I pray that Govi and I will be so lucky and blessed.

Dolma, put it in God's hands. If it's meant to happen it will. I realize that we all pray differently, but I always say the Lord's Prayer...my favorite line is "Thy will be done." Just say those 4 little words and you will know peace.

This is so true - my mom says the same thing to me. We can do our best but ultimately it is up to God (or as some people believe, karma). 'Let go and let God' is one of my favorite sayings, or 'work as if it's all up to you, Pray as if it's all up to God'.

[Staashi 371]

Thank you so much K, it is so encouraging reading this. I was feeling very emotional last night because at the temple last night there was an adorable 2 year old girl with the name that Govi and I had talked about naming our(potential) baby girl. You are right - and Govi doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs and eats lots of healthy veggies and has spent most of his life breathing clean mountain air so I imagine his little swimmers are in good shape. I had tears in my eyes reading about the woman who had her first baby at 42 - I pray that Govi and I will be so lucky and blessed.

Dolma, put it in God's hands. If it's meant to happen it will. I realize that we all pray differently, but I always say the Lord's Prayer...my favorite line is "Thy will be done." Just say those 4 little words and you will know peace.

This is so true - my mom says the same thing to me. We can do our best but ultimately it is up to God (or as some people believe, karma). 'Let go and let God' is one of my favorite sayings, or 'work as if it's all up to you, Pray as if it's all up to God'.

Good luck, honey! It will all be fine.

[chaishai 1]

Thank you so much K, it is so encouraging reading this. I was feeling very emotional last night because at the temple last night there was an adorable 2 year old girl with the name that Govi and I had talked about naming our(potential) baby girl. You are right - and Govi doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs and eats lots of healthy veggies and has spent most of his life breathing clean mountain air so I imagine his little swimmers are in good shape. I had tears in my eyes reading about the woman who had her first baby at 42 - I pray that Govi and I will be so lucky and blessed.

Dolma, put it in God's hands. If it's meant to happen it will. I realize that we all pray differently, but I always say the Lord's Prayer...my favorite line is "Thy will be done." Just say those 4 little words and you will know peace.

im late in reading this but FYI thats how old my mom (and dad) were when they had me, and both were never the picture of health in terms of what they ate, drank and smoked!