Thanks everyone! Porno mystery solved!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

One way that a person can protect their private info when using a public computer is to perform simple maintenance on the computer before leaving it.

In Vista it is hidden and much more complicated to do and requires administrative rights, but in older versions of Windows (I'm not sure about XP) it is easy. Just right click on the browser icon, and select properties. From the window that comes up find the delete cookies and delete temporary files icons and choose them one at a time. For the delete files be sure to select the checkbox that deletes any offline content too. I also clear the history on that screen.

If you've used a messenger service it is also a good idea to go to the program file for that service and delete your personal profile folder. I think on many of them it is a user folder, but I'm at work right now and can't access any messenger services to double check.

After all of those are done, empty the little trash can on the screen just to be double safe.

I would recommend checking a public computer to see if these things can be done before using it, so you have the ability to erase your personal information before you walk away.

It's a shame that people steal other people's pictures to use online, but it is true that it happens. Years ago on messenger I had two different people try to talk to me but refuse to use a webcam so I could see who I was talking to. Both of them sent me a picture of the same person (not porn, but attractive), saying it was them! Obviously at least one of them was lying, but I'm guessing both were.

I'm glad you were able to get past that in your relationship.

know what else I was thinking? It would be possible (if someone working at a cyber or owning one wanted to) they could install one of those spy programs on the cyber computers. Like the stuff "hanging in there" was mentioning on another thread. Called "spector pro" or a simular program. It is designed to duplicate every site or communication from a particular computers history! Ever if you try to delete allk the browser history. The spy program allows the person who installed and has the code to it, to see EVERYTHING that happened on the computer. That would be so easy to do!!!!! No one is safe in public I think.

Frankly, I think we try to convince ourselves because its easier to believe that our spouse is not doing stuff like this. Total strangers do not go way out of their way to break into someone s emails and create porn profiles. The reality is that alot guys sit in cyber cafes looking at women from all over the world bored in their houses doing god knows what or in paltalk sex rooms and they do it cause they are bored. I havent had the same sex discovery about my spouse but I have seen people on the boards find out their spouses were listed as bi curious and all this other stuff and for whatever reason, the American bought into what ever garbage lies he told her to get out of the situation. My husband chatted till he got here with tons of women and I could never catch him because I didnt know all the screen names. After he got here, he looked at sites I found totally inappropriate including all kinds of stuff that really hurt my feelings. I got the spector pro program so I could see line by line, page by page everything he looked at. My computers have broken twice ( 0ne he broke) the other one got a virus a few weeks ago and had to be sent back to the factory. I had a 2002 computer and I myself pulled too hard on the keyboard and the usb broke inside the port so I am back to writing from work again. I find when we dont have a computer working, hes eager to do things with me, get out, etc.When we have one , he sits on it all the time. I have a back up copy of spector pro which Iwill reinstall on the computer when it comes back and will continue to monitor whats going on. I havent seen any evidence of infidelity but I am sure with no shadow of a doubt that he was chatting up women from all over europe. Those job inquiries? They might very well be from him as well hedging his bets in Canada.

What drives me crazy is that when I have tried to talk about some of this stuff, the first reaction is to blame the petitioner. The reality is that SOME of these guys DO have evil intentions and DO do things that are duplicitous. Its important to show both sides of the coin so when one of us gets broadsided by internet infidelity, real life cheating, or green card scamming, we are able to deal with the reality of it. It is NOT in all of our heads. Some of us this is really happening to. I am in kind of a honey moon stage with my husband but not until after he shattered every bit of confidence I had left to include me wanting him even 10 feet near me when I give birth. I was correct in assuming he wasnt doing what he should be doing. I put up with stuff too long. For anyone to tell me its all my fault or imagination is #######. My husband may be doing the right thing now but he wasnt back home and he wasnt in the first months living here and I have a right to expect fidelity since I am faithful and true to him

If you see porn chat sites you also need to deal with the reality that he MAY be on these sites. These may have NOT been created by someone else. You need to have these conversations with him cause if you dont, you could end up with him over here doing this. None of what I am saying is an affront to someone elses relationship. I simply mean to say that NOT ALL situations work out and sometimes you will find hard evidence of all kinds of things. I think you should look for the best and be prepared for the worst and throw some love and understanding and forgiveness in ( with limits of course)

To ignore the likelihood that this may very well be your husband doing this leaves you vulnerable. I would really take a a hard look at things and make sure he understands that your house wont be the porn lovers cyber cafe.. that this stuff really is offensive and makes you feel unloved.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

One way that a person can protect their private info when using a public computer is to perform simple maintenance on the computer before leaving it.

In Vista it is hidden and much more complicated to do and requires administrative rights, but in older versions of Windows (I'm not sure about XP) it is easy. Just right click on the browser icon, and select properties. From the window that comes up find the delete cookies and delete temporary files icons and choose them one at a time. For the delete files be sure to select the checkbox that deletes any offline content too. I also clear the history on that screen.

If you've used a messenger service it is also a good idea to go to the program file for that service and delete your personal profile folder. I think on many of them it is a user folder, but I'm at work right now and can't access any messenger services to double check.

After all of those are done, empty the little trash can on the screen just to be double safe.

I would recommend checking a public computer to see if these things can be done before using it, so you have the ability to erase your personal information before you walk away.

It's a shame that people steal other people's pictures to use online, but it is true that it happens. Years ago on messenger I had two different people try to talk to me but refuse to use a webcam so I could see who I was talking to. Both of them sent me a picture of the same person (not porn, but attractive), saying it was them! Obviously at least one of them was lying, but I'm guessing both were.

I'm glad you were able to get past that in your relationship.

know what else I was thinking? It would be possible (if someone working at a cyber or owning one wanted to) they could install one of those spy programs on the cyber computers. Like the stuff "hanging in there" was mentioning on another thread. Called "spector pro" or a simular program. It is designed to duplicate every site or communication from a particular computers history! Ever if you try to delete allk the browser history. The spy program allows the person who installed and has the code to it, to see EVERYTHING that happened on the computer. That would be so easy to do!!!!! No one is safe in public I think.

Frankly, I think we try to convince ourselves because its easier to believe that our spouse is not doing stuff like this. Total strangers do not go way out of their way to break into someone s emails and create porn profiles. The reality is that alot guys sit in cyber cafes looking at women from all over the world bored in their houses doing god knows what or in paltalk sex rooms and they do it cause they are bored. I havent had the same sex discovery about my spouse but I have seen people on the boards find out their spouses were listed as bi curious and all this other stuff and for whatever reason, the American bought into what ever garbage lies he told her to get out of the situation. My husband chatted till he got here with tons of women and I could never catch him because I didnt know all the screen names. After he got here, he looked at sites I found totally inappropriate including all kinds of stuff that really hurt my feelings. I got the spector pro program so I could see line by line, page by page everything he looked at. My computers have broken twice ( 0ne he broke) the other one got a virus a few weeks ago and had to be sent back to the factory. I had a 2002 computer and I myself pulled too hard on the keyboard and the usb broke inside the port so I am back to writing from work again. I find when we dont have a computer working, hes eager to do things with me, get out, etc.When we have one , he sits on it all the time. I have a back up copy of spector pro which Iwill reinstall on the computer when it comes back and will continue to monitor whats going on. I havent seen any evidence of infidelity but I am sure with no shadow of a doubt that he was chatting up women from all over europe. Those job inquiries? They might very well be from him as well hedging his bets in Canada.

What drives me crazy is that when I have tried to talk about some of this stuff, the first reaction is to blame the petitioner. The reality is that SOME of these guys DO have evil intentions and DO do things that are duplicitous. Its important to show both sides of the coin so when one of us gets broadsided by internet infidelity, real life cheating, or green card scamming, we are able to deal with the reality of it. It is NOT in all of our heads. Some of us this is really happening to. I am in kind of a honey moon stage with my husband but not until after he shattered every bit of confidence I had left to include me wanting him even 10 feet near me when I give birth. I was correct in assuming he wasnt doing what he should be doing. I put up with stuff too long. For anyone to tell me its all my fault or imagination is #######. My husband may be doing the right thing now but he wasnt back home and he wasnt in the first months living here and I have a right to expect fidelity since I am faithful and true to him

If you see porn chat sites you also need to deal with the reality that he MAY be on these sites. These may have NOT been created by someone else. You need to have these conversations with him cause if you dont, you could end up with him over here doing this. None of what I am saying is an affront to someone elses relationship. I simply mean to say that NOT ALL situations work out and sometimes you will find hard evidence of all kinds of things. I think you should look for the best and be prepared for the worst and throw some love and understanding and forgiveness in ( with limits of course)

To ignore the likelihood that this may very well be your husband doing this leaves you vulnerable. I would really take a a hard look at things and make sure he understands that your house wont be the porn lovers cyber cafe.. that this stuff really is offensive and makes you feel unloved.

Oh and ps , things have been going alot better but trying to overcome betrayal coupled with numerous other things is a rough road to walk. I am throwing out a different point of view in stating some things we stumble across and they tell us things but because we dont want to face reality, we wait until the last moment or things get to bad to fix. My situation has improved but I have done nothing differently. Hes trying harder not be. I already gave up. And based on what happened, most likely if I had really thought things through, I wouldnt even have remained in the situation I am in based on using just the slightest amount of foresight or common sense

Food for thought

cheers

[Y's_habibitk 2]

One way that a person can protect their private info when using a public computer is to perform simple maintenance on the computer before leaving it.

In Vista it is hidden and much more complicated to do and requires administrative rights, but in older versions of Windows (I'm not sure about XP) it is easy. Just right click on the browser icon, and select properties. From the window that comes up find the delete cookies and delete temporary files icons and choose them one at a time. For the delete files be sure to select the checkbox that deletes any offline content too. I also clear the history on that screen.

If you've used a messenger service it is also a good idea to go to the program file for that service and delete your personal profile folder. I think on many of them it is a user folder, but I'm at work right now and can't access any messenger services to double check.

After all of those are done, empty the little trash can on the screen just to be double safe.

I would recommend checking a public computer to see if these things can be done before using it, so you have the ability to erase your personal information before you walk away.

It's a shame that people steal other people's pictures to use online, but it is true that it happens. Years ago on messenger I had two different people try to talk to me but refuse to use a webcam so I could see who I was talking to. Both of them sent me a picture of the same person (not porn, but attractive), saying it was them! Obviously at least one of them was lying, but I'm guessing both were.

I'm glad you were able to get past that in your relationship.

know what else I was thinking? It would be possible (if someone working at a cyber or owning one wanted to) they could install one of those spy programs on the cyber computers. Like the stuff "hanging in there" was mentioning on another thread. Called "spector pro" or a simular program. It is designed to duplicate every site or communication from a particular computers history! Ever if you try to delete allk the browser history. The spy program allows the person who installed and has the code to it, to see EVERYTHING that happened on the computer. That would be so easy to do!!!!! No one is safe in public I think.

Frankly, I think we try to convince ourselves because its easier to believe that our spouse is not doing stuff like this. Total strangers do not go way out of their way to break into someone s emails and create porn profiles. The reality is that alot guys sit in cyber cafes looking at women from all over the world bored in their houses doing god knows what or in paltalk sex rooms and they do it cause they are bored. I havent had the same sex discovery about my spouse but I have seen people on the boards find out their spouses were listed as bi curious and all this other stuff and for whatever reason, the American bought into what ever garbage lies he told her to get out of the situation. My husband chatted till he got here with tons of women and I could never catch him because I didnt know all the screen names. After he got here, he looked at sites I found totally inappropriate including all kinds of stuff that really hurt my feelings. I got the spector pro program so I could see line by line, page by page everything he looked at. My computers have broken twice ( 0ne he broke) the other one got a virus a few weeks ago and had to be sent back to the factory. I had a 2002 computer and I myself pulled too hard on the keyboard and the usb broke inside the port so I am back to writing from work again. I find when we dont have a computer working, hes eager to do things with me, get out, etc.When we have one , he sits on it all the time. I have a back up copy of spector pro which Iwill reinstall on the computer when it comes back and will continue to monitor whats going on. I havent seen any evidence of infidelity but I am sure with no shadow of a doubt that he was chatting up women from all over europe. Those job inquiries? They might very well be from him as well hedging his bets in Canada.

What drives me crazy is that when I have tried to talk about some of this stuff, the first reaction is to blame the petitioner. The reality is that SOME of these guys DO have evil intentions and DO do things that are duplicitous. Its important to show both sides of the coin so when one of us gets broadsided by internet infidelity, real life cheating, or green card scamming, we are able to deal with the reality of it. It is NOT in all of our heads. Some of us this is really happening to. I am in kind of a honey moon stage with my husband but not until after he shattered every bit of confidence I had left to include me wanting him even 10 feet near me when I give birth. I was correct in assuming he wasnt doing what he should be doing. I put up with stuff too long. For anyone to tell me its all my fault or imagination is #######. My husband may be doing the right thing now but he wasnt back home and he wasnt in the first months living here and I have a right to expect fidelity since I am faithful and true to him

If you see porn chat sites you also need to deal with the reality that he MAY be on these sites. These may have NOT been created by someone else. You need to have these conversations with him cause if you dont, you could end up with him over here doing this. None of what I am saying is an affront to someone elses relationship. I simply mean to say that NOT ALL situations work out and sometimes you will find hard evidence of all kinds of things. I think you should look for the best and be prepared for the worst and throw some love and understanding and forgiveness in ( with limits of course)

To ignore the likelihood that this may very well be your husband doing this leaves you vulnerable. I would really take a a hard look at things and make sure he understands that your house wont be the porn lovers cyber cafe.. that this stuff really is offensive and makes you feel unloved.

Im sorry Wah. but, also not everyone is bad. Not everyone is destined for a failed relationship. Not everyone is going to catch their husbands whoring around. Also, I havent seen anyone blaming the petitiner here either.

Im not saying it doesnt happen. Im not saying that people talk themselves into the lies being thrown at them. (not talking about the OP).

But, you know what? How on earth could one have a healthy,honest relationship with the constant fear that they are going to be used,cheated or anything else. On the flip side... knowing the person you love and is suppose to love you is waiting around for you to turn "bad" or make a mistake has got to be a hard thing to deal with. I know I couldnt deal with that pressure. I'd run away fast!!

This process and the distance plays dirty tricks on everyone. That doesnt mean there's evil running amuck. Trusting your insticts is crucial of course, but if your instict is: everyone is going to hurt and use me, well then thats not instict, thats your head.

Right, people can hurt you. People will use you. There are truly evil people in this world who will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want and have no problem using people for as long as they need them. But that is EVERYWHERE, and it's not a given. If someone has been used over and over again, I suggest the adjust their "picker"... they are the common denominator.

I just had to say all of that, I feel much better now.

To the OP, Im glad you are at peace with the situation.

[myeyes1010 0]

I want to say that in my past relationships I have had a couple men I was really close to treat me badly and I stayed with them way too long past the experation date. They new I was devoted and trustworthy in fact they bragged about it all the time. Alot of other girls used to tell me I was too easy for these guys to walk all over (and they were the kind to do that) One married friend from Iran told me she had her husband wrapped aournd her finger because she never let him be sure he was good enough for her. She was very attentive to him,cooking,etc...but she told me never let your husband think "he's everything to you" make him have some doubt that he is good enough. Let bhim know you love him...but make him always be a bit uncertain. Personally I was taught that if you did not make your man feel he was all that...someone else might! But it has kind of back fired in my past. They were so confident that they became arrogant and I would eventually leave from feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. My point being that I know I have issues with being afraid I will have it happen again. I stayed single, alone, no dating etc...for 5 years before meeting my husband online. I though it was safe and he would not be able to use me for sex or make me love him with great sex and I could take my time to evaluate him from afar the best I could. I even pickes a completely different type of guy! Foreign, exotic, different culture not american! I was so tired of american men (I know theyre are real good ones) I just did not pick those LOL. Now my own issues are involved alot and I know it. I an close to my bnew husband and afraid when I feel he is taking me for granted or not appreciating me. I don't care what he "says" I watch his actions and that is so hard when you are not together! So I google him, snoop, read stories and drive myself crazy! I know it's my problem. I mean I do find some questionable things for sure. But he was a single guy on line alot for a long time so it's easy to find trails. But he hasn't really domne anything to me personally and I have no proof he will. No ex wifes to ask....no relationship history to review....no perpetual bad behaviour to go on. It really is a guessing game at this point. I will be honest in that I know I am jaded by my past. I am not going to trust him until he earns it (because of my bad experiences) and it's not his fault. Yeah he has told me lies to cover his past online activities he's ashamed of that my espionage (sp) operations uncovered but they are from his past and my issues are mine I know. Bottom line I hold myself accountable for my own feelings and issues that stem from my bad choices in the past and will check myself when I realise I am on a mission to prove he's a wolf. He's just a man. I picked him and he picked me. Now we are married. I have to remember we picked each other...we could have picked someone else. We both had tons of other options neither of us had to be together. he has a great family that does not care if he ever leaves, I knew he wanted a wife of his own and a life of his own but he could have chosen alot of girls, younger, french, etc......I could have picked a rich man that would allow me to stay home and travel with a retirement plan but we picked each other because we fit together best. I'm not young, he's not rich, We Fit well together and it works. Remember too people don't get married and than become "sainted"... that takes time years sometimes. I know the best most wonderful married couple, inseperable! together over 50 years and the wife told me...our secret is not that we are perfect but we promised to never say the word divorce. We made our commitment to God and each other and promise we would never leave this marriage. She said once when they were newly married they hung out alot with othwr married friends ans were at a party drinking and dancing and she saw her husband sloe dancing with another friends wife and he was kissing her neck! she was so hurt by it she wanted a divorce but instead she said she bit her tongue expressed lovingly how hurt it made her feel and together they decided not to drink alcohol and slow dance with the oposite sex LOL but they did it together. It wasn't perfect but they stuck it out and eventually there was less and less and it became perfect OVERTIME. I know I picked crummy men. Its not my husbands fault so why should be suffer until I heal? I WILL DRIVE HIM AWAY! I will make him do all the stuff I am so afraid he is going to do that will kill me! Why should I behave in a way I would not even tolerate from him. I will be a hypocrite. If he acted like me I would hate it. But he says "it just proves to him how much I love him" he is really too good-thank god! I hope I stop before he changes his mind

[polarbear 0]

I want to say that in my past relationships I have had a couple men I was really close to treat me badly and I stayed with them way too long past the experation date. They new I was devoted and trustworthy in fact they bragged about it all the time. Alot of other girls used to tell me I was too easy for these guys to walk all over (and they were the kind to do that) One married friend from Iran told me she had her husband wrapped aournd her finger because she never let him be sure he was good enough for her. She was very attentive to him,cooking,etc...but she told me never let your husband think "he's everything to you" make him have some doubt that he is good enough. Let bhim know you love him...but make him always be a bit uncertain. Personally I was taught that if you did not make your man feel he was all that...someone else might! But it has kind of back fired in my past. They were so confident that they became arrogant and I would eventually leave from feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. My point being that I know I have issues with being afraid I will have it happen again. I stayed single, alone, no dating etc...for 5 years before meeting my husband online. I though it was safe and he would not be able to use me for sex or make me love him with great sex and I could take my time to evaluate him from afar the best I could. I even pickes a completely different type of guy! Foreign, exotic, different culture not american! I was so tired of american men (I know theyre are real good ones) I just did not pick those LOL. Now my own issues are involved alot and I know it. I an close to my bnew husband and afraid when I feel he is taking me for granted or not appreciating me. I don't care what he "says" I watch his actions and that is so hard when you are not together! So I google him, snoop, read stories and drive myself crazy! I know it's my problem. I mean I do find some questionable things for sure. But he was a single guy on line alot for a long time so it's easy to find trails. But he hasn't really domne anything to me personally and I have no proof he will. No ex wifes to ask....no relationship history to review....no perpetual bad behaviour to go on. It really is a guessing game at this point. I will be honest in that I know I am jaded by my past. I am not going to trust him until he earns it (because of my bad experiences) and it's not his fault. Yeah he has told me lies to cover his past online activities he's ashamed of that my espionage (sp) operations uncovered but they are from his past and my issues are mine I know. Bottom line I hold myself accountable for my own feelings and issues that stem from my bad choices in the past and will check myself when I realise I am on a mission to prove he's a wolf. He's just a man. I picked him and he picked me. Now we are married. I have to remember we picked each other...we could have picked someone else. We both had tons of other options neither of us had to be together. he has a great family that does not care if he ever leaves, I knew he wanted a wife of his own and a life of his own but he could have chosen alot of girls, younger, french, etc......I could have picked a rich man that would allow me to stay home and travel with a retirement plan but we picked each other because we fit together best. I'm not young, he's not rich, We Fit well together and it works. Remember too people don't get married and than become "sainted"... that takes time years sometimes. I know the best most wonderful married couple, inseperable! together over 50 years and the wife told me...our secret is not that we are perfect but we promised to never say the word divorce. We made our commitment to God and each other and promise we would never leave this marriage. She said once when they were newly married they hung out alot with othwr married friends ans were at a party drinking and dancing and she saw her husband sloe dancing with another friends wife and he was kissing her neck! she was so hurt by it she wanted a divorce but instead she said she bit her tongue expressed lovingly how hurt it made her feel and together they decided not to drink alcohol and slow dance with the oposite sex LOL but they did it together. It wasn't perfect but they stuck it out and eventually there was less and less and it became perfect OVERTIME. I know I picked crummy men. Its not my husbands fault so why should be suffer until I heal? I WILL DRIVE HIM AWAY! I will make him do all the stuff I am so afraid he is going to do that will kill me! Why should I behave in a way I would not even tolerate from him. I will be a hypocrite. If he acted like me I would hate it. But he says "it just proves to him how much I love him" he is really too good-thank god! I hope I stop before he changes his mind

Well, you know what they say... The first step is admitting your wrong (although I'm not blaming you). It just means that you have to acknowladge a problem before you can fix it.

Just make sure you stay true to yourself and don't go too far the other direction We do need to be careful and protect ourselves. Again, just follow your heart (but don't ignore your head too much) - try to walk the middle ground.

[morocco4ever 63]

Wow, what bad advice from this lady. She thinks it is best to make her husband feel like he is not quite good enough for her? #######??? I so totally disagree and it is totally a head game. Why should anyone in any relationship be made to feel inferior?

My husband is my world, and he knows it. BUT what he also knows is that I won't put up with #######, and that I am not with him because I need him, I am with him because I love him. I can make it on my own without a man, both financially and mentally, and he knows that. He knows that if he crosses lines that no matter how much I love him I can and will leave. I don't believe in being a doormat, nor do I believe in making my husband a doormat. Head games should never be a part of any marriage.

Whew...got that off my back.

Now for your trust issue. Well yes, your baggage has kind of tumbled into this new relationship. It is important that you recognize it and admit it. Have you admitted it to him? He needs to understand what the problem is as well. Then you need to work on you. Building your self esteem is your first step. You need to be able to love yourself to trust that someone can love you as well.

[Tunisia216 2]

I agree! That's not good advice at all. My mother always told me that it's important to make your husband feel secure, but at the same time for him to realize that you have other interests.. To keep separate interests or hobbies and not do everything together. But keeping some separate activities doesn't mean that you make him feel you could do better than him or insecure in the relationship. My mother and my step father have been married 23 years (since I was 2 and this is her first marriage, not married to my father) so I think she knows what she is talking about And they had a lot of bumps and rough times, but because they both felt secure in their love and relationship they were able to get past them.

I can't imagine feeling insecure or having a spouse that feels as though "his SO can do better than him" would be a benefit when the hard times come ..

Wow, what bad advice from this lady. She thinks it is best to make her husband feel like he is not quite good enough for her? #######??? I so totally disagree and it is totally a head game. Why should anyone in any relationship be made to feel inferior?

My husband is my world, and he knows it. BUT what he also knows is that I won't put up with #######, and that I am not with him because I need him, I am with him because I love him. I can make it on my own without a man, both financially and mentally, and he knows that. He knows that if he crosses lines that no matter how much I love him I can and will leave. I don't believe in being a doormat, nor do I believe in making my husband a doormat. Head games should never be a part of any marriage.

Whew...got that off my back.

Now for your trust issue. Well yes, your baggage has kind of tumbled into this new relationship. It is important that you recognize it and admit it. Have you admitted it to him? He needs to understand what the problem is as well. Then you need to work on you. Building your self esteem is your first step. You need to be able to love yourself to trust that someone can love you as well.

[Ahmed N Tina 2]

I can totally feel your pain, Myeyes. I've had some similar experiences that made me jaded toward men and not trust them. I hate feeling like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before I married my husband, I told him about my past experiences and that it made me suspicious of all men. He has proven to me (through many arguments and days of silence) that I can trust him and when I go off the deep end and start up with the accusations, he calmly listens to me and then reminds me that he isn't like the men in my past and loves me more than anything.

It does come together over time and we can't force it to go faster or expect it to be immediate. All relationships are full of learning and compromise. I think thats what makes us love each other more every day. The slight shifting that goes on until one day you realize you fit like a glove and your relationship is as perfect as it is humanly possible to achieve.

It's hard to let go of the past, but with your husbands help and love, you will. As for being suspicious and doing your "espionage", one friend told me "be careful what you look for, you may find it." So if you look, be prepared to find. If you don't want to find, don't look. (Be sure here that had I found Ahmed on a sex porn site I would have done the exact same thing you did! So no fault on you!!)

[Ahmed N Tina 2]

Totally Agree!! Ash *

[morocco4ever 63]

I can totally feel your pain, Myeyes. I've had some similar experiences that made me jaded toward men and not trust them. I hate feeling like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before I married my husband, I told him about my past experiences and that it made me suspicious of all men. He has proven to me (through many arguments and days of silence) that I can trust him and when I go off the deep end and start up with the accusations, he calmly listens to me and then reminds me that he isn't like the men in my past and loves me more than anything.

It does come together over time and we can't force it to go faster or expect it to be immediate. All relationships are full of learning and compromise. I think thats what makes us love each other more every day. The slight shifting that goes on until one day you realize you fit like a glove and your relationship is as perfect as it is humanly possible to achieve.

It's hard to let go of the past, but with your husbands help and love, you will. As for being suspicious and doing your "espionage", one friend told me "be careful what you look for, you may find it." So if you look, be prepared to find. If you don't want to find, don't look. (Be sure here that had I found Ahmed on a sex porn site I would have done the exact same thing you did! So no fault on you!!)

You haven't seen your husband for over 2 years? I hope your wait is over soon.

I like how your husband handled the situation. It shows great maturity. This is exactly why I think it is important to share your insecurities about yourself with your husband. He needs to know that to help you through your times of insecurity he needs to reassure you.

[Tunisia216 2]

Just had to giggle in knowing that I am not alone... I'm jaded too (aren't we all? ) and there were a few times when I got moody and the storms started coming in and I'd start throwing around insane paranoia like accusations, he would listen in the same manner that your husband did and talk me through it.. Typically that was enough but when it wasn't and I kept going.. I'd get the punishment of a few days of silence and then he'd come back and ask me if I was ready to be civil now

I wrote a really long blog about it a while back and I think it really applies here :

Monday, August 06, 2007

Relationship conditioning....

Current mood: contemplative

Why is it that no matter how wonderful and seemingly great the person we are currently with is, we find ourselves constantly looking around the corner for the things to happen, which have happened in past relationships? Isn't this setting ourselves up for failure? Impending doom that we are creating of our own inability to really put the past behind us. Why does it just take one person to screw you over, in some of the worst ways possible, and you find yourself so hard pressed to trust anyone again? In some ways it seems like the person in your past that screwed everything up for you is still screwing everything up now - It's like letting them win, even when they are long gone and the relationship is over. Maybe I need to do some psychological research. Is this human conditioning? Why is it so hard to forget those bad things even when what could be a wonderful future is right on the end of your nose? Why do you expect the new person to commit the same crimes against love that the old person did? Why can't you just bring yourself to accept that person A (of the past ) and person B (current or the future) are not the same person. Why do you blow the smallest infractions of person B out of proportion, causing crazy arguments and tension and knowing the entire time that what they did really was not so horrible. That it really was nothing like what person A did to you, but yet you still have that fear memory inside your messed up skull that says, these small things are going to be big things soon. Why? Why? Why? Does anyone have an answer? Does anyone know the trick to over coming all this? It's not as simple as saying "Put your past behind you and look to the future" It does not work that way. When people say that to me, I think about that scene in the movie Lion King (Yeah a prophetic Disney movie, I know) where the crazy monkey hits Simba over the head with his walking stick and Simba says OUCH! What did you do that for? And the monkey says, it's in the past, what does it matter? Point of the story, the past still hurts.... They say pain is inevitable in life, but is suffering really optional? How do you really put your past behind you? And how to you find that middle ground between the past being a lesson and a growing experience and the past controlling your future.... I don't want to be a prisoner of the past anymore and I'm tired of shooting the future in the foot. Is there anyone out there? Anyone understand this nonsensical mess that I just typed... I need help.... I don't want to let those horrible people be the controllers of my destiny.... My fate is my own, help me make it that way.

I can totally feel your pain, Myeyes. I've had some similar experiences that made me jaded toward men and not trust them. I hate feeling like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before I married my husband, I told him about my past experiences and that it made me suspicious of all men. He has proven to me (through many arguments and days of silence) that I can trust him and when I go off the deep end and start up with the accusations, he calmly listens to me and then reminds me that he isn't like the men in my past and loves me more than anything.

It does come together over time and we can't force it to go faster or expect it to be immediate. All relationships are full of learning and compromise. I think thats what makes us love each other more every day. The slight shifting that goes on until one day you realize you fit like a glove and your relationship is as perfect as it is humanly possible to achieve.

It's hard to let go of the past, but with your husbands help and love, you will. As for being suspicious and doing your "espionage", one friend told me "be careful what you look for, you may find it." So if you look, be prepared to find. If you don't want to find, don't look. (Be sure here that had I found Ahmed on a sex porn site I would have done the exact same thing you did! So no fault on you!!)

[morocco4ever 63]

Thats really great Ash. You really stated it how it is.

[myeyes1010 0]

Wow, what bad advice from this lady. She thinks it is best to make her husband feel like he is not quite good enough for her? #######??? I so totally disagree and it is totally a head game. Why should anyone in any relationship be made to feel inferior?

My husband is my world, and he knows it. BUT what he also knows is that I won't put up with #######, and that I am not with him because I need him, I am with him because I love him. I can make it on my own without a man, both financially and mentally, and he knows that. He knows that if he crosses lines that no matter how much I love him I can and will leave. I don't believe in being a doormat, nor do I believe in making my husband a doormat. Head games should never be a part of any marriage.

Whew...got that off my back.

Now for your trust issue. Well yes, your baggage has kind of tumbled into this new relationship. It is important that you recognize it and admit it. Have you admitted it to him? He needs to understand what the problem is as well. Then you need to work on you. Building your self esteem is your first step. You need to be able to love yourself to trust that someone can love you as well.

well you definately sound like a bey strong woman whom knows what she wants and how to keep it in line. You go girl!

[Tunisia216 2]

Thanks girl... I blog alot and then I scare myself and delete them

They are often too true and the truth is hard to face

Thats really great Ash. You really stated it how it is.

[myeyes1010 0]

Just had to giggle in knowing that I am not alone... I'm jaded too (aren't we all? ) and there were a few times when I got moody and the storms started coming in and I'd start throwing around insane paranoia like accusations, he would listen in the same manner that your husband did and talk me through it.. Typically that was enough but when it wasn't and I kept going.. I'd get the punishment of a few days of silence and then he'd come back and ask me if I was ready to be civil now

I wrote a really long blog about it a while back and I think it really applies here :

Monday, August 06, 2007

Relationship conditioning....

Current mood: contemplative

Why is it that no matter how wonderful and seemingly great the person we are currently with is, we find ourselves constantly looking around the corner for the things to happen, which have happened in past relationships? Isn't this setting ourselves up for failure? Impending doom that we are creating of our own inability to really put the past behind us. Why does it just take one person to screw you over, in some of the worst ways possible, and you find yourself so hard pressed to trust anyone again? In some ways it seems like the person in your past that screwed everything up for you is still screwing everything up now - It's like letting them win, even when they are long gone and the relationship is over. Maybe I need to do some psychological research. Is this human conditioning? Why is it so hard to forget those bad things even when what could be a wonderful future is right on the end of your nose? Why do you expect the new person to commit the same crimes against love that the old person did? Why can't you just bring yourself to accept that person A (of the past ) and person B (current or the future) are not the same person. Why do you blow the smallest infractions of person B out of proportion, causing crazy arguments and tension and knowing the entire time that what they did really was not so horrible. That it really was nothing like what person A did to you, but yet you still have that fear memory inside your messed up skull that says, these small things are going to be big things soon. Why? Why? Why? Does anyone have an answer? Does anyone know the trick to over coming all this? It's not as simple as saying "Put your past behind you and look to the future" It does not work that way. When people say that to me, I think about that scene in the movie Lion King (Yeah a prophetic Disney movie, I know) where the crazy monkey hits Simba over the head with his walking stick and Simba says OUCH! What did you do that for? And the monkey says, it's in the past, what does it matter? Point of the story, the past still hurts.... They say pain is inevitable in life, but is suffering really optional? How do you really put your past behind you? And how to you find that middle ground between the past being a lesson and a growing experience and the past controlling your future.... I don't want to be a prisoner of the past anymore and I'm tired of shooting the future in the foot. Is there anyone out there? Anyone understand this nonsensical mess that I just typed... I need help.... I don't want to let those horrible people be the controllers of my destiny.... My fate is my own, help me make it that way.

I can totally feel your pain, Myeyes. I've had some similar experiences that made me jaded toward men and not trust them. I hate feeling like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before I married my husband, I told him about my past experiences and that it made me suspicious of all men. He has proven to me (through many arguments and days of silence) that I can trust him and when I go off the deep end and start up with the accusations, he calmly listens to me and then reminds me that he isn't like the men in my past and loves me more than anything.

It does come together over time and we can't force it to go faster or expect it to be immediate. All relationships are full of learning and compromise. I think thats what makes us love each other more every day. The slight shifting that goes on until one day you realize you fit like a glove and your relationship is as perfect as it is humanly possible to achieve.

It's hard to let go of the past, but with your husbands help and love, you will. As for being suspicious and doing your "espionage", one friend told me "be careful what you look for, you may find it." So if you look, be prepared to find. If you don't want to find, don't look. (Be sure here that had I found Ahmed on a sex porn site I would have done the exact same thing you did! So no fault on you!!)

It's all a part of the grand design and journey to learn I suppose. They say everything happens for a reason, that we are who we are because it's who we were created to become and that people in our lives were put there deliberately as part of theyre journey or ours. It seems that if it is possible to avoid feeling "anger" or "fear" we can pretty much overcome and learn any lesson