Is something in the air?

[zhenia and brent 0]

It seems like more people than I realized, do have adjustment troubles, that strain marriages, when considering moving or moving to another country.

I know its huge when someone leaves culture, family, pets, friends and all... but...

I never noticed so many other relationships/marriages have issues. Not until my wife and I had issues of our own. Anyway, if interested, below is the link describing my situation.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...p;#entry2160851

So, has there been an increase in those relationships that are strained by differences in surroundings of moving to another country? Or am I just more aware of what has been going around me and the VJ circles?

How do all of you maintain a successful marriage when cultural differences or missing the homeland strain your marriages?

My wife and I did all the pre-planning that we knew to do.... just she could not make the jump into the other land....

[Jeraly 4]

I had the same experiences before I left where I had panic attacks and huge feelings of anxiety but I knew that everything had led us to this point and that all I had to do was get on the plane - it is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I also know that should things get too hard, we can always move back to the UK - was it not an option for you to move? It seems sad to lose someone you love because she was scared to move.

Even now, I have my ups and downs, anxiety, pangs of homesickness. Sometimes I realise and tell Jeremy before I pick a fight, sometimes I don't realise myself until we are screaming at each other. We don't love each other any less, but it has only been two months and we are still both adjusting and that will take time

I don't know that this sort of thing is particularly rife here right now - I think most couples have "moments"

[Lili 3]

Like Jeraly says, the hardest is to get on the plane and not have any regrets, to look forward and leave everything behind.

Eventually, things do settle down.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

It seems like more people than I realized, do have adjustment troubles, that strain marriages, when considering moving or moving to another country.

I know its huge when someone leaves culture, family, pets, friends and all... but...

I never noticed so many other relationships/marriages have issues. Not until my wife and I had issues of our own. Anyway, if interested, below is the link describing my situation.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...p;#entry2160851

So, has there been an increase in those relationships that are strained by differences in surroundings of moving to another country? Or am I just more aware of what has been going around me and the VJ circles?

How do all of you maintain a successful marriage when cultural differences or missing the homeland strain your marriages?

My wife and I did all the pre-planning that we knew to do.... just she could not make the jump into the other land....

I have done quite a bit of study on the subject of Ukrainian/American marriages and they have a generally very high success rate compared to American/American marriages. Something like 80% plus after 10 years where Americans barely manage 50%. I think the Ukrainian cultural beliefs of women's and men's roles has much to do with it. That aside, it is somehing we struggled with. My wife will be coming here with one son and leaving the other there in a university and she has always cared for her sons and mother. Her older son will be 18 and she knows it is time for him to be on his own a bit, but I fear the first time he calls and says he has a sore throat or ear ache! We have soothed the pain a bit by keeping enough set aside that she can get a ticket and return if needed but she knows she has to wait until she has her green card. We have made arrangements (and if you know Ukraine, you know what kind of arrangements) with doctors to care for her mother if needed.

For us the cultural differences (and there really aren't THAT many between Ukrainians and Americans) are a benefit. It is interesting. My wife is interested in languages and cultures and for her it will be an adventure. It will be something we can learn about together for years. She is now learning about the American political process and how we will elect our next Preseident and she wants to go with me to vote. She is going to learn to drive a car and tractor, swim (I live on an island in Lake Champlain) ride a bike, ski, walk in mountains, just tons of new adventures. She has traveled a lot in her business, so she is not new to other cultures or even being away from her sons for periods of time, but never more than an overnight train away. Her dog will come with her.

But if it sounds easy, it was not. It was something we discussed right away though. I mean even before we had a "relationship". She was not looking for a husband, nor was I looking for a wife. We met completely by chance (I worked in Odessa for 2 years, went back to see friends and met her at the airport in Prague on the return trip) and I asked to her to consider our circumstanmces and for her to consider that if she was not willing to consider moving to the USA then we should say so now and keep our relationship accordingly. After two days she said "we will see what happens". She has been anxious to move ahead throughout the process, including now. She will get on that plane in 10 days. I am (relatively) sure about it!!! But I know it will not be easy. She has never taken the easy way though.

If I can ask, how old is your wife? I lived in Ukraine for 2 years. The women are astounding, I do not need to tell you that. But I found a huge difference in attitudes and ideas between the young women and the middle aged and older women. It seems to be (my theory) the result of the Soviet system. Those old enough to have truly experienced the Soviet system and felt it in their life, seem less materialistic, less demanding, more inclined to be satisfied with a good and caring man. Whatever struggles we will have pale in comparison to my wife's life as a young girl. I think she will never complain about anything again. It seemed the younger women, say under 30 now, were more materialistic and more concerned about what was in it for them. Also, you have to understand that things have improved greatly in Ukraine compared to 10 years ago or even 5 years ago and people are taking a more "wait and see" attitude, but also cautious because they don't trust a lot will stay the same. They know the other shoe could drop at any moment. Her mothers biggest relief? That my wife will have "land" and live by a clean lake. She can grow a garden and catch fish in the case of famine! No Kidding!

Women in Ukraine accept a larger age difference between them and their husbands than American women...even prefer it! When I was a single guy in Odessa making a good living (VERY good living) in my late 40's I was astounded that women in their 20's would show me an interest. Hey, I am just an average guy. Not ugly, but no George Clooney, and making what is, in the USA, a normal income. It can be flattering and overwhelming. My wife is considerably younger than me, but not so young as to be my daughter, and we are of the same generation. She received all her education in the Soviet system and was married and had one child before independence in 1991. I am glad she is not a young(er) woman (well, she would be mad to hear me say that, but she knows what I mean) but she is incredibly beautiful all the same. I do not know if this is a factor in your relationship. Also my wife has no brothers or sisters, her father disappeared when she was an infant. She has her mother, 2 sons and 3 close friends. But she will miss them all I am sure. I think she is strong enough and smart enough to adapt. She feels, in the long run, her sons will have better opportunities in life here and they can always return when they are adults if they choose.

Anyway, sorry so long winded. Good luck to you and your wife in the future.

Gary

[Krikit 1,165]

Hi Brent. I am sorry things did not work out. I completely understand how your wife felt. I almost didn't cross that bridge myself. The day I said goodbye to my family, friends, and my home, my heart was breaking and I thought I would not live through the pain. Some are able to look beyond that, knowing it is temporary; others know they cannot survive it. This was one of my favourite songs during the process. I think it speaks to the beauty and pain and the nostalgia of what an immigrant goes through from beginning to end. The name of the band is Shaye.... the gaelic word for courage and strength. Don't get distracted by the video. Just close your eyes and listen to the words. Peace.