not myself anymore

[sadwoman 0]

I am typing this under other name just in order to vent. I got upset today reading stories of ppl who came to USA and still can not adjust to new life for any reason, whether their spouse is understanding or not. Sometimes I am so happy with my life that I wanna scream out loud how much I love my husband, but sometimes... I feel like women from posts I mentioned.

I am very depressed. That didn't come with moving to United States, it was there long ago but got way worse here. I come from culture where you can't talk about feelings too much, and before when ever I told my family members I might be depressed, they laughed it off saying I'm over reacting. I know I didn't. Family tragedy made me cry in my room behind closed doors. I never recovered, ever. Only thing that kept me going was work, I worked so hard I never had time to focus on anything else. And then HE came into my life... And told me that my boss touching my body and tapping my butt and kissing my forehead is NOT OK and made me see how much I suffered for being quiet.

He was everything I have ever wanted and never thought I would find. I couldn't wait to be with him and even now when we fight the most, and we do a lot, I never wanted to leave him ever and I have that feeling of security and love even when things don't go right way. It kills me when we fight. I do love him so much, I do, but somehow I can't make myself trust him 100 percent. He knew when he met me that I had issues with men I trusted and things went wrong, and he knew that with me you have to build trust, but then it will last forever. Help me how to change that?

I am becoming ugly person that gets upset easy and I don't like it. I don't have friends here , I don't work and I am positive that is the reason for my messed up head.

I can count on my fingers people that I found honest in this country. Nothing against Americans, just I am used to talking to my friends every single day, seeing them as much as I could, going out shopping... here is different. I miss that. I tried telling myself I am not homesick and I love my husband more then that, am I lying myself? Is it OK to feel this way? I tried talking to him but I dont' wanna hurt his feelings, he is not close to his family and feels bad too. But also I can't cry anymore. i cry every day, if I have a reason or just with no reason. Whenever we are in a bad fight I feel terrible, I lost all my confidence, I was beautiful sexy woman and I feel so down and useless. I cant talk to anyone from my country, again hiding real feelings, I only have you guys here for advice.

How hard was for others ? How long did it last? Did u feel better once u started working? Sorry for the long post and God bless

[wowswift 3]

I'd say you have to try and trust your husband more. Sounds like you're holding too much in, and its eventually just exploding causing a fight. You have to let some of your guard down and communicate with him. You guys love each other, you should be able to trust him. I see you have some issues, but you have to give him some of your trust. It is always easier to say than do, but the only way to find out if you really can trust him 100% some day, is to let him prove it to you. If he steps up and supports you, you guys should work out ok. Its normal to be feeling down, especially when you're in a new place and far away from what you know. As far as feeling better after you start working, you will of course since you will have less time to focus on the bad, but it will just come out again if you don't communicate with your husband. Have some trust in him. He loves you, he married you, let him be there for you to. I think that should be your first step. Maybe even some counseling can help too. Sometimes hearing things from a professional helps couples understand each other.

I'm not sure how long you've actually been together with each other in the US, but you guys will have a settling in phase. You have to get used to each other in a way. The tension will be a bit higher, but after time it will pass. It just seems worse because you probably feel more out of place than he does, but he will feel it as well just having to live with someone. This is sorta standard for new couples though and you will learn to work together as time goes on. Seems touch, but if you guys both love each other, you can make it through.

Edited September 1, 2008 by wowswift

[sadwoman 0]

Thank you wowswift for stopping by to read my post and thank you for your advice. You are right and I will sure work hard on my life. God bless you

[wowswift 3]

i think the first step for you is opening up a bit. you have to try to let yourself trust you husband. he is supposed to be there for you, but he can't be if you don't let him in. even if its baby steps, its still a start

[NickD 203]

Considered that when my wife and daughter first arrived and planned trips for every weekend to see the sights and entertainment in my neck of the woods. We live close to Chicago, Milwaukee, St. Paul, Minneapolis, many state parks, bicycle trails, Six Flags, museums, Lake Michigan, some beautiful fresh water lakes, but my wife and daughter love the beach. So kept them busy. Since my wife couldn't work, she volunteered for charity organizations and got to meet many people and eventually made lots of friends. Took time for our daughter in high school, but she also made plenty of friends.

New to my wife and daughter was living in a large home with a yard, trees, and a garden, while my home was decorated in my taste, gave away to their taste, and we got a puppy, ha, that is where I drew the line, wanted a German Shepherd. Let my daughter pick out her own furniture for her bedroom, TV set, stereo, and most important of all to her, was her very own computer. Daughter went through periods of depression missing her friends, but with 4 cent a minute phone cards, and her computer was able to make contact on a daily basis.

Like any kid, has to go where their parents go, in my former marriage, had the same problem with my own kids when a job change required us to move, but they learn how to adapt. She did turn 18 and was free to return to her home country, spent a couple of months down there, but came back, realizing that this is her home. Spent the weekend moving her into a dorm where she is excited about making many new friends.

It takes time to adjust, ha asked my wife to come with me to a friends wedding last month, she commented she would go with me, but wouldn't know anybody there, turned out she knew more people than I did and had a very good time.

With the aid of the internet, wife, through the grape vine was able to meet women from her home country that within a reasonable driving distance we met in person and did things together, that way she can speak to someone in her home language, but I can talk to their husbands in English, we have a good time. But making friends is two fold, you have to have some initiative and be friendly. If you lock yourself up, will be depressed.

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

I think you do need to open up a bit more to your husband, but you also need to see a doctor. Sounds like you are clinically depressed. They'll recommend you see someone to talk about all the stuff going on and bugging you, and possibly maybe a pill to help you along. Dont sit by yourself at home! As hard as it sounds, as sad as you are, get outside and walk. Fresh air & exercise do really help in depression.

I think your husband needs to support you more. But also, some people deal with immigrating here easier, some don't. I read here on VJ how people come and are assimilated within months. My husband has been here well over 1.5 yrs and still misses home and I hear about it every single day. He was brought up in a community where family, friendships and time spent together trumps work, money, etc. He keeps saying that everyone in the US is guided by going to work 50+hrs and showing off how much you can buy with it, instead of building friend relationships & having fun. After all this time, he's still homesick. He's a guy so keeps it bottled up inside. But I'd tell you not to. Share what you feel, the more openness, the more people to help you.

Have you thought about keeping a journal? Whenever you get sad or want to cry, sit down and just start writing everything that comes to mind, no matter what it is, good bad or ugly. Keep it private and express all your thoughts there, after getting all the stuff out of your system, it should help you feel a bit of relief, like whatever bugged you, is out.

Good luck

[morocco4ever 63]

I am sorry for how you are feeling. What I believe is that you are clinically depressed. I believe that you were hoping that he would fix this just by being there. The problem is that no one can "make you happy". You must learn to love yourself. This is far above being homesick, it is only making it worse because not only are you depressed, but now you are in unfamiliar territory, and it is making it harder.

Please discuss this with your husband. You should NEVER feel like you can't express your emotions. Just make sure he understands that it isn't his fault that you feel this way. Ask him if you can go to a doctor about this depression. He can get you some medication and a good therapist. A good therapist can help you to love yourself the way you deserve.

Take care of yourself, we all deserve to be happy.

[Nutty 2]

I understand how you are feeling. Depression can come back even stronger under stress. Unlike you, my husband is the one who is the immigrant, I am the American citizen. However, I became clinically depressed before during the immigration process. Now it seems those depressed feelings are coming back. It comes from the adjusting.

It is totally understandable to feel lonely here. If you look at websites doing search, "adjusting to life in America" or USA" you will find many articles explaining differences between American culture and other cultures. One thing that comes up repeatedly is that because Americans are so mobile (moving between jobs, cities, etc) they don't have a wide circle of many friends. But instead a small number of very close friends that they keep contact with over lifetime.

Basically, you left a place where you lived all your life and had a lifetime to make friends. Now you are in a new place and have to start from the beginning to make friends again.

Even for me, moving from the east coast to the west coast was hard in this way. I can say it took me 2 or 3 years before I really developed friendships outside of my job (work friends).

So don't be too hard on yourself. You will feel a little lost in this time. One thing you can do, maybe, is enroll in some classes at the local community college (some for acedemic, some for hobby or fun). It will bring you into contact with other people who share your interests. In time, you will find American friends who will become close to you and share more intimate feelings and communications. But give it time.

If the depression becomes too serious or out of control, see a counselor. They are there to listen to you share your feelings and be supportive of you and give you some ideas to help yourself.

Best wishes.

[carpe diem 2]

Dear sadwoman,

I agree with all the excellent advise others have given you.

Also, and I don't know if this should give you comfort or make you brace yourself, I think adjustment may take some time, and will require a lot of initiative from your part, and perseverance as you often won't see immediate results of your efforts. When I came here, I was very, very lonely for quite a while, even though I was a student at a university (one problem was that I kind of fell in the middle of a program so the other students had built their social networks already). As much as I loved my boyfriend, I really missed my close friends and the comfort of the network I had built back home. I had lived abroad before but that was different as I knew it was going to be temporary and I was in a program with others in the same boat. I struggled with the enormity of the decision I had made, and the terrorist attacks in New York (I arrived there days before September 11, 2001) didn't make things easier.

Fast-forward seven years, and I believe I have as good a social life here as I would have back home, except that I miss having my family around. I have a few very good friends here, as well as lots of people with whom I enjoy hanging out, and we regularly have family and friends from overseas over. I would say the first two years were really hard, and for me things started looking up when I started spending more time on a hobby that brings me in contact with others with the same passion. I still feel down sometimes, but I think that's mostly the result of my psychological make-up.

So my advise would be: Accept that it will take time to get fully comfortable here. Undertake as many activities as you can handle (work, volunteer activities including on the current political campaigns, sports, religion, etc.) that will get you in regular contact with others, but don't set yourself up for disappointment by expecting too much too soon, as the kind of friendship and trust you write about takes time to develop. Try to find people from your native country with whom you can meet up every once in a while. Talk to your family and friends back home regularly and be as open as you can, there's nothing wrong with admitting that things aren't easy. Even if they can't always relate to your life here they can offer a listening ear-- and if they hear about the challenges you're facing they'll be all the more excited when your life here turns into a success story, and it will! Most of all, allow your husband to help you. Be honest with him, and discuss how he can help you. And, as others have said, do not hesitate to seek professional help if you know deep down that it's warranted. Depression is not a character flaw or a personality defect; it is a medical and psychological condition that many people can get under control.

Best of luck!

Edited September 1, 2008 by carpe diem

[NickD 203]

One way to surround yourself with people that will love you more and you will love them back more than any friends or relatives is to have kids. And if you have a half a dozen or so, will keep you so busy, won't have time to think about anything else.

Would be awfully slow is taking any kind of psychotropic or anti-depressive drug, claim there is a chemical imbalance in the brain, if even true, the wrong drug or dosage can send you at the deeper end, it's a guessing game on the part of the doctor at best. Plus bad side effects such as excessive weight gain, short term memory lost, and personality changes. Even suicidal tendencies if you forget to take a pill. And some doctors are way to quick to prescribe them. Exercise, fresh air, listening to birds sing is far better therapy and even a prayer.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Spot on, carpe!

Dear sadwoman,

I agree with all the excellent advise others have given you.

Also, and I don't know if this should give you comfort or make you brace yourself, I think adjustment may take some time, and will require a lot of initiative from your part, and perseverance as you often won't see immediate results of your efforts. When I came here, I was very, very lonely for quite a while, even though I was a student at a university (one problem was that I kind of fell in the middle of a program so the other students had built their social networks already). As much as I loved my boyfriend, I really missed my close friends and the comfort of the network I had built back home. I had lived abroad before but that was different as I knew it was going to be temporary and I was in a program with others in the same boat. I struggled with the enormity of the decision I had made, and the terrorist attacks in New York (I arrived there days before September 11, 2001) didn't make things easier.

Fast-forward seven years, and I believe I have as good a social life here as I would have back home, except that I miss having my family around. I have a few very good friends here, as well as lots of people with whom I enjoy hanging out, and we regularly have family and friends from overseas over. I would say the first two years were really hard, and for me things started looking up when I started spending more time on a hobby that brings me in contact with others with the same passion. I still feel down sometimes, but I think that's mostly the result of my psychological make-up.

So my advise would be: Accept that it will take time to get fully comfortable here. Undertake as many activities as you can handle (work, volunteer activities including on the current political campaigns, sports, religion, etc.) that will get you in regular contact with others, but don't set yourself up for disappointment by expecting too much too soon, as the kind of friendship and trust you write about takes time to develop. Try to find people from your native country with whom you can meet up every once in a while. Talk to your family and friends back home regularly and be as open as you can, there's nothing wrong with admitting that things aren't easy. Even if they can't always relate to your life here they can offer a listening ear-- and if they hear about the challenges you're facing they'll be all the more excited when your life here turns into a success story, and it will! Most of all, allow your husband to help you. Be honest with him, and discuss how he can help you. And, as others have said, do not hesitate to seek professional help if you know deep down that it's warranted. Depression is not a character flaw or a personality defect; it is a medical and psychological condition that many people can get under control.

Best of luck!

[morocco4ever 63]

One way to surround yourself with people that will love you more and you will love them back more than any friends or relatives is to have kids. And if you have a half a dozen or so, will keep you so busy, won't have time to think about anything else.

Would be awfully slow is taking any kind of psychotropic or anti-depressive drug, claim there is a chemical imbalance in the brain, if even true, the wrong drug or dosage can send you at the deeper end, it's a guessing game on the part of the doctor at best. Plus bad side effects such as excessive weight gain, short term memory lost, and personality changes. Even suicidal tendencies if you forget to take a pill. And some doctors are way to quick to prescribe them. Exercise, fresh air, listening to birds sing is far better therapy and even a prayer.

I can't say I agree with this advice. Having children isn't a decision you make to help yourself heal. This is something that is best held off until you have your life in order.

[*JG* 2]

You have trust issues you need to deal with. Sounds like the way to deal with them is to talk to your husband.

Then, it sounds like you need to maybe go find a job and meet some new people.

[lizamaki 0]

hi there. i understand the depression you are going through right now, but still, no one can feel what you really feel except God. it is no joke keeping everything to yourself so it's good that you are able to vent out through this post.

i don't want to sound as if i know the solution to your problem, coz only God can really help you. i am just a vessel here who God is using to reach out to you and share with you what He has also taught me in this journey called life.

two people who enter a marriage are two separate entities that become one. each one carries with him/her his/her own issues and baggages from the past. the marriage then, should become a healing ground for both parties, with Jesus as the Healer. this is why the Bible says that a threefold cord can never be broken.

marriage is not something that two people can just enter into. most of the time (i am speaking from experience coz i had a failed previous marriage and failed relationships) it even becomes an outlet and a rebound. we enter into it while we are still nursing old wounds, or even covering it up with band-aids.

and since you are already in this marriage, you have to make it work out. it is a commitment to God more than to your husband or to the marriage itself.

cry out to God right now and plead for His help. He will not fail you, believe me. He is the only One who can come through for you.

i can be of help to you in any way that God leads me to. you can reach me through my email ... liza_v23@yahoo.com.ph...then i will give you another site where you can contact me. i am into "on-line" Christian counseling. i set up a site recently.

and look at it this way, girl...

here i am, wanting so much to be with the man i love so much. i have waited for years for God to send me my promised man. i met him two years ago. and now, i am waiting to be reunited with him in the physical. i have been waiting for my NOA2. our love story is a story of how God can restore something broken and make it more beautiful than it has been before. i have all the reason to be approved coz my love story is more than me. it is about God.

and yet, here i am waiting and waiting. and there you are, you are already with your husband, and you are going through this and feeling depressed. i will trade anything just to be with the man i love.

i pray that i was able to be of some help to you in the way that God intended to.

mail me anytime and i will definitely get back at you.

God bless you.

liza

[Nutty 2]

PS....

Getting regular daily exercise, eating healthy are very good for improving mood.

Anti depressent pills can help. But there are many to choose from and getting the correct dosage which works best for you takes time. There are also some side effects you may not like that come with these medicines.

Just try for right now, getting exercise, healthy food and vitimin pills (B vitimins are good for mood), enough sleep and lastly some counseling. Also, remember to enroll in some simple classes to meet other people who share same interests as you.

Best of luck