Love advice, LIVE on VJ!

[SpiritAlight 1]

Well I crossed the border last night (took Aldergrove crossing -- only 10 minute wait! ) and went over to my sweetie's apartment.

Spirit, our big talk wasn't actually the first thing on my mind when I showed up... I had just come from the job interview (that went really well btw!) and was just wanting to get out of my heels and dressy gear.

Now I'm not sure what I was expecting... for him to sit me down and say "Ok.. let's talk about this" or what he normally does where he just sits me down on his lap and looks into my eyes and say "Are you okay?" Well --- I got the latter and I told him I was fine.

I suppose I COULD have said NO, I'm not okay but I didn't. At that moment I was fine. But did it fix what happened the night before? Not really. It just kinda pushed it aside.

The weekend is still young but he's watching his football game and his team is winning which means he'll be in a good mood for the rest of the weekend so the likelihood of him bringing it up again is slim to none.

BUT -- if I have to read between the lines he is concerned about really resolving things, but right this very moment things ain't broke so he ain't fixin' it!

I giggle when I read this.

For so many reasons...

You are seeking harmony and love and all the beautiful things.

This is commendable.

I created a space for us to talk and bring up all kinds of things and it wasn't easy.

It hurt.

And again, I felt like it was futile.

And then we got somewhere.

Who knows...again, time will tell.

(see also The Vent thread)

You made me think of that scene in the movie Sex & the City where Samantha learns all about football (?) in order to get laid with this handsome man she is lusting after. This part of the movie alone is worth watching. When "his" team wins, mmmmm SEX...and when they don't, well... hahaha.

People that place importance on professional sports need to get their priorities straight.

Unless a relative or close friend is on the team, why does anyone care?

No need to answer....it is a pet peeve of mine.

You know I do not live with a TV.

I do not need to be entertained.

I have my mind for that, hahaha!

Oh and people watching too....the best is nature; pure and simple.

Mmmmm....

:star:

[SpiritAlight 1]

....

I think once I start working full-time again I'll have less time to worry about some of these things and can focus on myself more. Maybe I'll start taking up yoga to balance myself out.

I forgot to highlight this point:

When you feel really bad inside, exercising whether it is walking, cycling, stretching, dancing, all of it, helps more than I could even explain.

Getting into one's body is getting out of one's mind.

This is a good thing!

I really should take my own advice.

Hahaha.

You all have heard this one:

Take my advice please, because I am currently not using it.

[trailmix 77]

People that place importance on professional sports need to get their priorities straight.

Unless a relative or close friend is on the team, why does anyone care?

No need to answer....it is a pet peeve of mine.

You know I do not live with a TV.

I do not need to be entertained.

I have my mind for that, hahaha!

Oh and people watching too....the best is nature; pure and simple.

Mmmmm....

:star:

I would venture that they care because it is entertaining?

Isn't watching sports 'people watching' - now maybe we aren't all Richard Attenborough - but I guess it's watching people excel at something while also being entertaining.

I don't watch sports - well that's not true, I do watch world cup rugby a bit, every 4 years - but I think it's nice that other people can enjoy something so much.

[SpiritAlight 1]

[antda 13]

Hi Everyone (especially to fellow Canucks),

Well, it looks like VJ isn't just for immigration advice after all! It's odd how I found this message thread while I was on the Canada forum. Regardless, thanks for starting and participating in this personal off-topic thread. It's been interesting to read other things around here, besides immigration-related issues...

So now that I'm here, if you don't mind, can I start with stating an issue of my own (I hope that I'm on the right message thread/topic to state this too)?:

My husband and I get a long really well, have a lot in common with each other, and most imortantly love each other very much. The problem is that lately we've been dealing with a lot of big stressful life issues that are getting in the way of our marriage. For example, dealing with finances (even though we are both frugal and wise with money), medical issues (especially difficult with me having been through miscarriages recently), dealing with past and present family and friends (and making some stupid decisions there), dealing with immigration and relocation (I'm sure all of you can understand this one), and more issues/etc. This has resulted in some arguments/disagreements and at times leaving us wondering what other alternatives there are to consider to improve our marriage. We both want to and are working out these issues and do want to stay together, so at least that gives us hope there. Besides talking to each other, writing goals/objectives down, reading about marriage information, and in worst case scenerio considering therapy for the both of us, what else can we do? I understand that we cannot get rid of these stresses in our lives, and are currently working through these and other issues together. But I don't want it to get to the point where all we can really do is deal with the stress in our lives, instead of focusing on the marriage and each other and all the good times that we've had and will have. "Though good times and in bad, and so forth..." The question is: How can we work through these bad times, so that we'll be able to have more good times?

Ok, now that I've typed that out, I feel a bit better. Sorry though, if I've bothered the VJ community with my problems by mentioning it in this post. Though any advice, comments, suggestions, ideas, etc. are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

. of immigration-related issues, next!

Ant (Through bad times, wondering if there will be more good times ahead...)

I figured we could use more specific threads.

Come here to:

drop a bomb

ask for advice

give advice, solicited and unsolicited (hee, hee)

make confessions (who will read it after-all?)

clean shite up

Yup...this and more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being brutally honest and forth-coming is not for the feint of heart.

There is strength in vulnerability!

[Krikit 1,164]

I find the best thing for me to do is to take each disappointment/issue and to analyze it to see what lesson can be learned from it. In part, I view life as an educational process. When something happens, I will look for the silver lining. (And, if at all possible, the humour and the irony in a situation. lol) I ask myself.... What did I need to know that I did not know before? How can I apply that lesson to what I say and do in the future? How can I use this information to become a more understanding and less judgemental person? Then I tuck it away and carry on, and make sure that I apply what I've learned in my everyday life.

Problems and disappointments and issues and devastations help us to build character and can, in fact, provide for better relationships as we each learn and grow. The trick is to take what you've learned and become stronger with the newfound knowledge. Some people cannot do this and will self-implode as they make their way through life in a downward spiral; some will continue to make the same mistakes, over and over again, because they cannot, or will not, learn the lesson being offered. We all know someone like that. Life is not an easy road, that's for sure. But it sure is beautiful. And fun. Lots and lots of fun.

[SpiritAlight 1]

Welcome Ant.

I like what Krikit has to say.

She is sweet and patient.

I am not so patient...with myself, neither.

My sweetie and i have had more than our share of outside tragic events since I got here.

And we have not handled them well at all.

It gets me thinking that when someone says to you, "You know, you may leave this relationship and find yourself with the same things to work out in the next one. So running away won't help you. Deal with it."

All that kind of advice...

And all I can think of at that moment is:

to hellll with relationships!

Meaning I do not need (simply) one.

I have many, with all kinds of people on all kinds of levels.

Why do I need ONE?

Was it Walt Whitman that said,

With so many people to love, why do I worry about one?'

And so...

I am here in this one, and have been saying in this forum that I have been feeling like a fish out of water.

I have many ideas up my sleeve and have been implementing them.

So far?

Well, things are shifting, and I am using sometimes intense focused energy and most times my sense of humour.

After all, I realized that when I spoke to a friend about my deep shtuff, why is it that I can laugh at myself so easily and with my partner I cannot?

This is a most important point.

I laugh with others about me and my situation, and I cry or get angry about it with my sweetie.

This is the big shift for me..to bring that into our conversations.

And for him the big realization is that he needed to change how he speaks to me (This is HUGE) because he is not of the gentlest personalities out there.

Hahaha!

I have both sides of the brain firing all at once and I choose the more creative synapses to pay attention to...because it is way more fun.

And he is so left-brain-oriented, so analytical...

Try this test!

Oops, A.D.D. kicked in...where was I?

Hee, hee.

So we are on a path that is more in line with the long conversations we had when we first met.

One that will allow me to be me and him to be him and the future holds some promise.

Although this does not mean that I will ignore the now...not ever.

I live in the now.

We all do.

It need attention.

If all the external problems kill all the bliss, which is where I have found myself, it is time for some radical action!

That is what I am doing.

I have asked the hard questions.

And so far, some of them have been answered to my heart's satisfaction.

Does that mean all is perfect?

No.

And a lot is better, so...

for now, tic toc tic toc....and find a path, build a bridge, and be together...real and true.

(Corny, huh?)

a reminder from a friend:

BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF

Edited September 2, 2008 by SpiritAlight

[brown_eyes 0]

Spirit, I went through some similar issues with my partner in how he spoke to me. We get along great and spending the time together since he got here has really allowed us to grow but sometimes how one treats you (over the phone or through MSN) online vs. in person can be totally different!

He has tendency to be overly sarcastic and has this smart ### way about himself (towards a lot of things but most importantly ME!) that I find.. well... immature. I found his teasing to get too far and my feelings would get hurt. I came out and just told him that he needed to cut it out. I also told him that I've never seen this side of him before... and that he didn't used to treat me this way so what gives?

I let him know that couples can have fun together and laugh and have senses of humour but why does it have to be at one partner's expense?

Anyway... I kinda called him out on being the guy that could dish it out but couldn't take it and now it's down to a reasonable level where he's aware of what comes out of his mouth. Simply put I don't want to be with a jerk!

Heh... you speak of patience. I used to think I had some but now I'm wondering where it went.

[SpiritAlight 1]

Spirit, I went through some similar issues with my partner in how he spoke to me. We get along great and spending the time together since he got here has really allowed us to grow but sometimes how one treats you (over the phone or through MSN) online vs. in person can be totally different!

He has tendency to be overly sarcastic and has this smart ### way about himself (towards a lot of things but most importantly ME!) that I find.. well... immature. I found his teasing to get too far and my feelings would get hurt. I came out and just told him that he needed to cut it out. I also told him that I've never seen this side of him before... and that he didn't used to treat me this way so what gives?

I let him know that couples can have fun together and laugh and have senses of humour but why does it have to be at one partner's expense?

Anyway... I kinda called him out on being the guy that could dish it out but couldn't take it and now it's down to a reasonable level where he's aware of what comes out of his mouth. Simply put I don't want to be with a jerk!

Heh... you speak of patience. I used to think I had some but now I'm wondering where it went.

If you look up the word impatient in the dictionary, there will by my picture!

Hahaha!

I created a thread about sarcasm...you might want to check that out.

Sarcasm and cynicism has no place in society,

It is callous and hurtful.

I believe it comes from a bring of self-worthlessness, i.e. that person needs attention and/or is trying to win friends by showing off some misguided prowess.

(Ha! That was a mouthful.)

And you are absolutely right about telephone and email conversations...how different they can be from truly being with that person.

I mentioned that i found our old emails and started to read them.

The evidence of what I speak!!!

So I asked my sweetie to read them with me...now we just need to find some time.

Make the time...yup.

People, we need not feel guilty for not thinking our relationships are not perfect.

We are not perfect.

They are not perfect.

So??????????

(And I use that word, perfect. with tongue slightly in cheek.)

Once I get over myself and stop taking myself and my "problems" seriously, then the healing can begin.

And that can look like anything.

It does not mean the relationship will survive.

Although my intention is to create a joyous home together, it may not come to pass.

(See about the word intend/intention in the Off Topic thread, ha.)

All is good in my world at the moment, except my ongoing tooth procedure. Ouch.

I feel I am building a bridge to communication and so...I can only hope we gt there.

That reminds me of a favourite quote:

from Winnie the Pooh no less

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

************

Oh I wish I could type.

When I read back my stuff sometimes, I just cringe.

Sorry for any difficulty in reading my shtuff.

[brown_eyes 0]

Ha.. I did that, too. Read over some of the emails from way back when. Our "courtship" days.

I don't mind a bit of dry humour but what I can't stand is someone who justifies being a jerk by being sarcastic and making back handed "jokes" at others. And then when they see you are hurt or upset.. they say "Hey -- I was just joking!" I hate that!

Spirit, you are sooooo right. I think that it's such an imbalance to want the perfect relationship when we are not perfect. I'm really working on simply getting to know my partner better because we are fortunate to have that time before we start the visa process.

[palilover 1]

Indeed sister Spirit; there is strength in being vulnerable. I realize that when I come to face with the fact that I am not perfect (shocking, I know); things get easier. Judgment slips away and I am able to really see. See people -Bren included- for who they are, not for who I would like them to be.

Best vibes to you Spirit; and I also applaud your honesty.

very well said indeed!

[SpiritAlight 1]

...

People, we need not feel guilty for not thinking our relationships are not perfect.

...

Oops, I swear I am a spazzzzzz...what I'm trying to say here,

and I wrote too may of the word 'not'...

People, we need not feel guilty for thinking our relationships are not perfect.

There.

That's more like it.

[aravis227 1]

...

People, we need not feel guilty for not thinking our relationships are not perfect.

...

Oops, I swear I am a spazzzzzz...what I'm trying to say here,

and I wrote too may of the word 'not'...

People, we need not feel guilty for thinking our relationships are not perfect.

There.

That's more like it.

Who wants a perfect relationship, anyway? That would be so BORING! We only grow as individuals and couples when there's a little bit of stress thrown in.

[Krikit 1,164]

Who wants a perfect relationship, anyway? That would be so BORING! We only grow as individuals and couples when there's a little bit of stress thrown in.

I do!

[brown_eyes 0]

This is the only perfect relationship around here!