Love advice, LIVE on VJ!

[SpiritAlight 1]

Spirit,

Life is too short. I stayed in a destructive relationship for two years and half because I thought we could work it out.

Give it a good try, married life is tough but its completeness it gives is worthile.

But eventually, you are the one who instinctively knows if you are happy. Do what is best for you!

Good luck.

Thank Lili.

I can be the queen of destruction!

And I can be the gentle kitty.

I prefer/crave/seek harmony and compassion and openness to the world of possibility.

I swear if I hear NO one more time, and feel the dreaded negativity, I will scream!

Or maybe I will shut up...for good.

Edited August 29, 2008 by SpiritAlight

[Marilyn. 340]

my hubby is really driving me crazy with his money spending habits like right now I noticed when I was looking at our bank account he spent almost 8 bucks somewhere today and he knows we are very short on money right now... I know he probably bought smokes and a energy drink...

whenever I try and sit him down to talk about money he says it isn't the right time and then when he does sit down to write a budget, he sets such unrealistic goals...

arrgh...

he thinks just making more money will solve all the money problems but I know it won't... the more money we make the more we spend...

and I do know my hubby isn't the only one at fault here.. I could cut back on my spending too... but I usually only spend money on food... and clothes once in awhile but usually only when I need some clothes.. I do splurge once in awhile and I need to stop that...

he spends a lot during the week buying drinks and smokes while he is working...

maybe we should take some kind of budgeting class or something

You should start some excel spreadsheet and monitor your spending amount for a month (where it goes and how much). Then at the end of the month, sit down with your husband and he will understand how much you could be saving.

It might help to give him a really accurate picture of his spending habits. Oh and splurging once in a while is not a big deal, every woman needs to spend on something nice once in a while.

Instead of the budgeting class, your hubby should start a smoking cessation program. Most states offer free nicotine patches and consultations. Depending on how much he smokes, you could be saving $2,000/year of more.

yeah, the spreadsheet thing is a good idea..

his brother gave him some nicotine gum to try and they are still sitting there untouched... which makes me feel like he doesn't want to quit.. he has to want to quit, no amount of nagging from me is going to make him quit

I have tired talking to him about how much he is spending on the smokes but he doesn't get it... he smokes about a pack of 20 every two days.... which isn't much compared to some people.... he probably would smoke more but he doesn't smoke at home....

[SpiritAlight 1]

Indeed sister Spirit; there is strength in being vulnerable. I realize that when I come to face with the fact that I am not perfect (shocking, I know); things get easier. Judgment slips away and I am able to really see. See people -Bren included- for who they are, not for who I would like them to be.

Best vibes to you Spirit; and I also applaud your honesty.

You are the queen of many things Len.

And I know you would be someone I'd hang with if i ever moved to Seattle.

You nevah know!!!!

[trailmix 77]

Or, if budgeting isn't his forte' - maybe you have to steer that ship. I think responsibilites don't always have to be split, while everyone should want to know what is happening with finances - it's just a fact that some people don't care - or would prefer not to be too involved.

[Lili 3]

yeah, the spreadsheet thing is a good idea..

his brother gave him some nicotine gum to try and they are still sitting there untouched... which makes me feel like he doesn't want to quit.. he has to want to quit, no amount of nagging from me is going to make him quit

I have tired talking to him about how much he is spending on the smokes but he doesn't get it... he smokes about a pack of 20 every two days.... which isn't much compared to some people.... he probably would smoke more but he doesn't smoke at home....

Ah, he doesn't want to quit. My dad smoked for years till he saw his best friend at the hospital in terminal stage of lung cancer. He quit that day.

Maybe he needs something to scare him. We are all mortals but he has a wife to cherish!

[SpiritAlight 1]

my hubby is really driving me crazy with his money spending habits like right now I noticed when I was looking at our bank account he spent almost 8 bucks somewhere today and he knows we are very short on money right now... I know he probably bought smokes and a energy drink...

whenever I try and sit him down to talk about money he says it isn't the right time and then when he does sit down to write a budget, he sets such unrealistic goals...

arrgh...

he thinks just making more money will solve all the money problems but I know it won't... the more money we make the more we spend...

and I do know my hubby isn't the only one at fault here.. I could cut back on my spending too... but I usually only spend money on food... and clothes once in awhile but usually only when I need some clothes.. I do splurge once in awhile and I need to stop that...

he spends a lot during the week buying drinks and smokes while he is working...

maybe we should take some kind of budgeting class or something

You should start some excel spreadsheet and monitor your spending amount for a month (where it goes and how much). Then at the end of the month, sit down with your husband and he will understand how much you could be saving.

It might help to give him a really accurate picture of his spending habits. Oh and splurging once in a while is not a big deal, every woman needs to spend on something nice once in a while.

Instead of the budgeting class, your hubby should start a smoking cessation program. Most states offer free nicotine patches and consultations. Depending on how much he smokes, you could be saving $2,000/year of more.

This is good.

Keeping all receipts and being organized enough to look at them in some kind of category way, know what I mean, jelly bean? also helps.

It is tough.

Sometimes the more poor I have been, the more I have bought shtuff.

When I am in good money making mode, I save everything.

Weird, huh?

Our very consciousness around having and not having is so deeply rooted.

When we feel empty, we buy, we hoard.

When we feel joy-full (my play on words by separating them), we lack nothing.

Easy, huh?

[Marilyn. 340]

yeah, the spreadsheet thing is a good idea..

his brother gave him some nicotine gum to try and they are still sitting there untouched... which makes me feel like he doesn't want to quit.. he has to want to quit, no amount of nagging from me is going to make him quit

I have tired talking to him about how much he is spending on the smokes but he doesn't get it... he smokes about a pack of 20 every two days.... which isn't much compared to some people.... he probably would smoke more but he doesn't smoke at home....

Ah, he doesn't want to quit. My dad smoked for years till he saw his best friend at the hospital in terminal stage of lung cancer. He quit that day.

Maybe he needs something to scare him. We are all mortals but he has a wife to cherish!

he did get scared straight last year when he found a lump on his neck, it turned out to be an infection of some sort and not cancerous but it did scare him enough to quit.. but then later in the year his mom died and he started smoking again around that time....

the part taht bugs me is that he keeps saying he is going to quit and then the very next day he goes and buys a pack of smokes

my hubby is really driving me crazy with his money spending habits like right now I noticed when I was looking at our bank account he spent almost 8 bucks somewhere today and he knows we are very short on money right now... I know he probably bought smokes and a energy drink...

whenever I try and sit him down to talk about money he says it isn't the right time and then when he does sit down to write a budget, he sets such unrealistic goals...

arrgh...

he thinks just making more money will solve all the money problems but I know it won't... the more money we make the more we spend...

and I do know my hubby isn't the only one at fault here.. I could cut back on my spending too... but I usually only spend money on food... and clothes once in awhile but usually only when I need some clothes.. I do splurge once in awhile and I need to stop that...

he spends a lot during the week buying drinks and smokes while he is working...

maybe we should take some kind of budgeting class or something

You should start some excel spreadsheet and monitor your spending amount for a month (where it goes and how much). Then at the end of the month, sit down with your husband and he will understand how much you could be saving.

It might help to give him a really accurate picture of his spending habits. Oh and splurging once in a while is not a big deal, every woman needs to spend on something nice once in a while.

Instead of the budgeting class, your hubby should start a smoking cessation program. Most states offer free nicotine patches and consultations. Depending on how much he smokes, you could be saving $2,000/year of more.

This is good.

Keeping all receipts and being organized enough to look at them in some kind of category way, know what I mean, jelly bean? also helps.

It is tough.

Sometimes the more poor I have been, the more I have bought shtuff.

When I am in good money making mode, I save everything.

Weird, huh?

Our very consciousness around having and not having is so deeply rooted.

When we feel empty, we buy, we hoard.

When we feel joy-full (my play on words by separating them), we lack nothing.

Easy, huh?

yeah.

I feel bad telling him not to buy stuff because he makes the money.. I just want him to be aware of our expenses and how much money we have etc... and not just spend money willy nilly... I told him that the other day and he said well, I know you always pay the bills and I said well it is hard if there isn't enough money in there

Edited August 29, 2008 by *Marilyn*

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Spirit - here are two books that might help to explain the communications problems you two are experiencing. You can probably get them at your local library or order them through inter-library loan if you don't want to buy them:

1) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Northfield Publishing, Chicago, 1992 (There are 5 different basic communication styles and needs and many of us have different communications styles from our partners. Becoming familiar with how our partner communicates may help us see that when we feel there is no communication or support t is more likely that we are not understanding each other's communication styles and so are feeling unheard and unsupported. This book helps to identify and recognize our own and our partner's communication styles and support needs);

2) Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: What You Can Learn from the Breakthrough Research to Make Your Marriage Last by Dr. John Gottman, Simon & Shuster, New York, 1994 - (A practical guide looking at how actual partners interact with each other verbally and non-verbally to find compatibility issues and differences and how successful couples resolve them)

love

Kathryn

[brown_eyes 0]

I tried to have a more soulful talk with my man last night... I probably got too angry too quickly and it turned into a brawl (over the phone.. ugh) and it wasn't pretty. I felt a lot of the same things that you did, Spirit... I 100% get everything you said in your orginal post.

He told me that when I come down tonight we could talk about things. But it's a crapshoot because if things are fine and good is he really going to bring this up and risk some sort of disagreement or fight? I mentioned that too and he said he would bring it up. I have faith that we are both looking for better answers and solutions. Sometimes I have fears that he tags us as a couple that "fights all the time."

I think once I start working full-time again I'll have less time to worry about some of these things and can focus on myself more. Maybe I'll start taking up yoga to balance myself out.

[SpiritAlight 1]

Those books sound awesome Kathryn, thank you so much.

All the research helps, if nothing but to stay calm in that busy-ness.

Hee, hee.

Dear Brown Eyes, thank you for that.

At least I do not feel like I am truly from Saturn.

I may be weird/eclectic, but, and (those words are interesting when you stop using the word 'but') I just want to live fully.

Switched on.

Awake.

Aware.

Present.

Oh I slip up...yup.

I am only a demi-goddess, after all....part human, the part that errs time and again.

And I am finding that I am really good at emulating those around me.

Hence having uncluttered my social life in Vancouver when I lived there and keeping and finding only friends that are on the same path.

A more spiritual, holistic one where fighting is truly not an option.

There is much to say on all that alone.

I came back (to Chicago) from a lovefest at my other home (Vancouver) and the contrast has been tremendous.

Time to gear down...shift into the reasons why this relationship can work.

I said I needed to live through 4 seasons to know.

We made that agreement.

Hey Brown Eyes, let's see if our men do bring it up.

[CDAgirlMI 51]

I once read a quote somewhere that makes so much sense

"Its easy to fall in Love..the hard part is to STAY in Love".

I think some people spend too much time and effort on their wedding and not enough on their marriage. A wedding is 1 day. Marriage is for life(hopefully).

A lot of us have it harder than "normal" people in relationships because of the long distance. We date for X amount of years, most of us not spending an excessive amount of consecutive days with our partners. We file the paperwork, cross over the border & then BAM!...we're living with them full time. It can be hard for both people to adjust. We think we know that person, but do we really???

Things take time. If it's something we truly cherish & love, we should be willing to take things one step at a time.

[SpiritAlight 1]

(I am bringing this over from The Vent thread.)

It's funny how things can look so good on paper...

Until someone walks in your shoes, i.e. gets into your heart and mind, for a while, who could truly know how and why.

So people may make suggestions and in the end the only that may help is divine intervention! Ha.

Oh I am only being slightly facetious.

It is like when the raging fire has gone to burning embers to a tiny spark to something cool,

how do you respark it?

Edited August 30, 2008 by SpiritAlight

[SpiritAlight 1]

I once read a quote somewhere that makes so much sense

"Its easy to fall in Love..the hard part is to STAY in Love".

I think some people spend too much time and effort on their wedding and not enough on their marriage. A wedding is 1 day. Marriage is for life(hopefully).

A lot of us have it harder than "normal" people in relationships because of the long distance. We date for X amount of years, most of us not spending an excessive amount of consecutive days with our partners. We file the paperwork, cross over the border & then BAM!...we're living with them full time. It can be hard for both people to adjust. We think we know that person, but do we really???

Things take time. If it's something we truly cherish & love, we should be willing to take things one step at a time.

Yup, you said it CDAgirlMI.

Staying in love would be easy in a world without conflict.

And perhaps the wedding is the main focus for some couples, not for so many that are immigrating I would imagine.

We have not had our "wedding", our celebration.

We simply went to city hall and signed a marriage certificate after agreeing that it was no time to celebrate with his father dying in a few months or so.

And tic toc tic toc, the immigration clock keeps on ticking and paperwork needs to get done.

Is this an excuse?

No.

It is the only reason I agreed to get married.

It was the paperwork that allowed us a real chance to live together and see what had compelled us to be together and see what is there.

Oh I do get caught up in other people's energies.

I am way too sensitive, too feeling.

I actually cannot separate my own feelings from ones I pick up from others.

This is a big deal.

That is why I crave quiet, and isolation at times.

I make a good hermit...and I am the queen hostess/entertainer.

I am all people.

Do you know what I mean by this?

We all are.

We are all connected, and so, we choose.

I am good at assisting others in cleaning up issues in their lives.

And I have been good at doing my own too.

It's just, at this moment, I am feeling, hmmmm, what exactly...

I am feeling like I am alone in my concerns in my main relationship at home.

Time will tell.

And I am a big ship that does not turn fast.

As you said CDIgirl, how well do you know someone until you have lived with them?

"They say" it takes 3 years.

I say it takes 4 seasons.

What do any of you say?

[KarenCee 3]

I once read a quote somewhere that makes so much sense

"Its easy to fall in Love..the hard part is to STAY in Love". Yes...that was truly the easy part.

I think some people spend too much time and effort on their wedding and not enough on their marriage. A wedding is 1 day. Marriage is for life(hopefully).

I've often wondered why so much effort (and money) goes into those big BIG weddings...IMHO it's as if the planning of said BIG wedding and the actual BIG wedding takes so much energy and time that when it's over, you are left with the marriage...not that I am saying BIG weddings are wrong, but...know what I mean jellybean? The wedding is just the door to the real thing...LIFE and MARRIAGE. When you sit down to plan that wedding (whatever size it is) did you also plan for "the rest of our lives" in there somewhere? Just a thought you know...not trying to be judgmental. It's a general "you" that I use here.

A lot of us have it harder than "normal" people in relationships because of the long distance. We date for X amount of years, most of us not spending an excessive amount of consecutive days with our partners. We file the paperwork, cross over the border & then BAM!...we're living with them full time. It can be hard for both people to adjust. We think we know that person, but do we really???

I think that's the hard part...for some of us. Regardless of how much you discussed, talked about, did together in person, etc. it's the actual day to day, paying the bills, living life that really tells the tale. Life has a lot of quirks, things you never planned on (I mean, really...how can you plan for everything!), and the day to day living together isn't always rainbows and roses out your #######! I've always told my sweetness....marriage isn't just an institution...it's a full time 24 hr 7 day a week JOB. One good day does not constitute a rest from the rest of the marriage!

Things take time. If it's something we truly cherish & love, we should be willing to take things one step at a time.

Yup, you said it CDAgirlMI.

Staying in love would be easy in a world without conflict.

And perhaps the wedding is the main focus for some couples, not for so many that are immigrating I would imagine.

We have not had our "wedding", our celebration.

We simply went to city hall and signed a marriage certificate after agreeing that it was no time to celebrate with his father dying in a few months or so.

Oh Spirit...maybe having one...however small...as a reference point to remind you and your sweetie would help? We have our Marriage Blanket on the wall...a constant reminder that we ARE married. We didn't just have a cutsy romantic ceremony with sweet words, flowers, and photos. It was a promise and committment ceremony. Every now and then we do go back and look at our wedding photos...but it's that blanket on the wall that is a sobering reminder of what we promised...our promise to commit...and to me, that was far more binding than anything the minister(s) said that legally bound us together. My people used this blanket as their "rings" so to speak...and the only way the marriage was dissolved was having the blanket torn in two. Literally torn in two. *takes a deep breath* When things don't go just right, I look to our blanket...and remember...

This is just what *I* do though...

And tic toc tic toc, the immigration clock keeps on ticking and paperwork needs to get done.

Is this an excuse?

No.

It is the only reason I agreed to get married.

It was the paperwork that allowed us a real chance to live together and see what had compelled us to be together and see what is there.

Oh I do get caught up in other people's energies.

I am way too sensitive, too feeling.

I actually cannot separate my own feelings from ones I pick up from others.

This is a big deal.

That is why I crave quiet, and isolation at times.

I make a good hermit...and I am the queen hostess/entertainer.

I am all people.

Do you know what I mean by this?

We all are.

We are all connected, and so, we choose.

I am good at assisting others in cleaning up issues in their lives.

And I have been good at doing my own too.

It's just, at this moment, I am feeling, hmmmm, what exactly...

I am feeling like I am alone in my concerns in my main relationship at home.

Time will tell.

And I am a big ship that does not turn fast.

As you said CDIgirl, how well do you know someone until you have lived with them?

"They say" it takes 3 years.

I say it takes 4 seasons.

What do any of you say?

I agree...four seasons...and many moons my dear Spirit. It is much easier to ignore the problem in the hopes that it will go away. Therein the adage "Ignorance is bliss". Not always true though. I tried that...in my first marriage...sigh. Twenty years of trying to ignore things. Twenty years of so many missed opportunities.

However, my current marriage is different. The issues that haunted me (and sometimes put me in danger) aren't a part of the equation now. Yet we are still adjusting and learning...growing...and sometimes it can be painful. That's when I have a look at the blanket on the wall. When I don't think I can do this anymore....when my heart hurts so bad for what my sweet angel girl is going through...when all I want to do is curl up and sleep all day...when I feel that my gorgeous hubby just doesn't get it...when STRESS is our constant companion and live in tenant...I look to the blanket.

That's just me...what I do.

Sorry this has been such a long one...I'm home alone and reading all these posts has made me want to be philosophical this morning.

[brown_eyes 0]

Well I crossed the border last night (took Aldergrove crossing -- only 10 minute wait! ) and went over to my sweetie's apartment.

Spirit, our big talk wasn't actually the first thing on my mind when I showed up... I had just come from the job interview (that went really well btw!) and was just wanting to get out of my heels and dressy gear.

Now I'm not sure what I was expecting... for him to sit me down and say "Ok.. let's talk about this" or what he normally does where he just sits me down on his lap and looks into my eyes and say "Are you okay?" Well --- I got the latter and I told him I was fine.

I suppose I COULD have said NO, I'm not okay but I didn't. At that moment I was fine. But did it fix what happened the night before? Not really. It just kinda pushed it aside.

The weekend is still young but he's watching his football game and his team is winning which means he'll be in a good mood for the rest of the weekend so the likelihood of him bringing it up again is slim to none.

BUT -- if I have to read between the lines he is concerned about really resolving things, but right this very moment things ain't broke so he ain't fixin' it!