Love advice, LIVE on VJ!

[SpiritAlight 1]

In the spirit of our CDN Vent Thread, where myself and a few others dumped "love issues", and so many jumped to assist, perhaps one place where the brilliance can concentrate can be here.

I have no attachment to this....just an idea brewing.

Well my ongoing saga, hahaha:

I am coming to the realization that my previous realization is actually based on reality.

Hee, hee.

Meaning, the red flags that go up and you are told that "we can work it out" and you have such faith and a willingness, and...

well, they come around and around.

So yesterday afternoon, I again approach our communication problems with tons of suggestions and calm reflection.

It didn't take long for us to both get heated and he left to go cut the grass at his house in the burbs.

I begged him to please think about why we fight, and what we could do to stop that...(well it was more in depth than that).

I begged him to come up with his own suggestions to "raise our game" to create something beautiful and to find joy in the day-to-day living.

And more...

He left.

I grabbed some kleenex because I had that feeling of futility.

And then, catching my breath i figured I'd better turn my attention to something else, so I got on to TEDtalks on-line and watched a myriad of interesting innovative videos/ideas. I saw stuff on the brain in love (and jilted), stuff on how the brain works, one on happiness and the brain (true joy and synthesized joy), and more mind-boggling shtuff.

I loved it all.

Then I found I now needed some fluff and I love martial arts so a friend recommended I locate Batman Begins on-line and started to watch that.

My partner returned and I stopped the movie.

He settled in, asked how my pain was doing (not great, needed another pain killer 800mg of motrin WOW, me who never takes meds for anything) took one so I could at least eat some soup and some cheese... anything soft.

Then being that I could feel he was not going to talk, I put the movie on.

He went to sleep at some point and today is another day.

I am not a waiting kind of person.

This does not mean I cannot wait at all.

I choose.

So....

I am choosing to not bring any of it up and see if he is at all interested in improving our communication et al.

If like the last time I didn't talk for 3 days (meaning bring up anything to do with anything other than sailing, food, weather, work), he believes we get along great, then I will take the next step and bring in a pro to assist us.

The thing is, he may be a fine, perfect human being, AND he may be stuck because he doesn't know how to express himself...and for another woman, that would be fine.

For me, well, hee hee, I am full-on baby!

I need a playmate, a friend, someone to inspire me too.

Someone interested in evolving for himself and for the world.

As I had said somewhere, after reading our first emails to each other, I can see where he might have over-extended himself, and where I under-extended myself.

There is no one person to blame.

Blame does not repair.

It destroys.

Good to look at the beginnings of what made this this, and good to learn from it and move forward.

I know some of you are thinking, "Why did you get married?"

That is so complex.

It would take a few walks in the park with coffee in hand to get to an understanding about why I/we do what we do.

And so...

I am here and I am with this person and I will do my very best to have it be joyful and playful as much as humanly possible.

As far as people getting married for life...well, I do not believe in such things.

(Yes, I told him that way before we signed that piece of paper at an unceremonial city hall union.)

There is an ebb and flow to people and their paths.

To ignore that would be foolish in my humble opinion.

I know there are some couples that last a lifetime.

That is commendable if they are truly themselves and more in joy than in misery.

Longevity doesn't impress me.

Quality does.

(Have any of you seen/read: The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deita?

Okay there are some slightly misogynistic thingies in there, and over-all it is quite good for both men and women to read.)

Have at it!

Edited August 29, 2008 by SpiritAlight

[aravis227 1]

I dated a guy who sounds kind of like your husband...as long as we didn't talk about our problems, he thought our relationship was fine...if I brought them up, then I was just making trouble and drama and trying to under-mine our "happiness". I hope it all works out for you. I don't know what people said on the Vent thread and I don't know everything you've tried, but I found that the best way to get him to have a conversation about our relationship without it turning into a drag-out fight was to start the discussion with something that I was doing that I felt I needed to fix in our relationship....otherwise he felt like I was attacking and blaming him (no matter how many times I would say that wasn't what was going on and I just wanted to work on things together). I had to put it in terms of "I want to work on X in myself and here's how I'm going to try to do it...while I'm doing that could you please try to work on Y?"

[SpiritAlight 1]

That is brilliant Aravis.

Thank you.

[Krikit 1,164]

Is this like a "Dear Joyce".... only it's a "Dear Spirit"? lol

[Sprailenes 47]

I always thought Spirit was a guy.

I guess it was just your avatar Spirit, its nothing personal at all. Sorries.

[Krikit 1,164]

I always thought Spirit was a guy.

I guess it was just your avatar Spirit, its nothing personal at all. Sorries.

[Sprailenes 47]

Whoa and I always read their name as: SpiritAlRight

I just noticed now there's no R.

This has just been a day FULL of enlightenment!

[SpiritAlight 1]

Please please don't make me laugh so much Krikit and Spraileness.

It hurts my check/gum/jaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SpiritAlight 1]

I figured we could use more specific threads.

Come here to:

drop a bomb

ask for advice

give advice, solicited and unsolicited (hee, hee)

make confessions (who will read it after-all?)

clean shite up

Yup...this and more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being brutally honest and forth-coming is not for the feint of heart.

There is strength in vulnerability!

[Marilyn. 340]

my hubby is really driving me crazy with his money spending habits like right now I noticed when I was looking at our bank account he spent almost 8 bucks somewhere today and he knows we are very short on money right now... I know he probably bought smokes and a energy drink...

whenever I try and sit him down to talk about money he says it isn't the right time and then when he does sit down to write a budget, he sets such unrealistic goals...

arrgh...

he thinks just making more money will solve all the money problems but I know it won't... the more money we make the more we spend...

and I do know my hubby isn't the only one at fault here.. I could cut back on my spending too... but I usually only spend money on food... and clothes once in awhile but usually only when I need some clothes.. I do splurge once in awhile and I need to stop that...

he spends a lot during the week buying drinks and smokes while he is working...

maybe we should take some kind of budgeting class or something

Edited August 29, 2008 by *Marilyn*

[DairyFarmer 1]

I figured we could use more specific threads.

Come here to:

drop a bomb

ask for advice

give advice, solicited and unsolicited (hee, hee)

make confessions (who will read it after-all?)

clean shite up

Yup...this and more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being brutally honest and forth-coming is not for the feint of heart.

There is strength in vulnerability!

I admire your honesty.

[Lili 3]

Spirit,

Life is too short. I stayed in a destructive relationship for two years and half because I thought we could work it out.

Give it a good try, married life is tough but its completeness it gives is worthile.

But eventually, you are the one who instinctively knows if you are happy. Do what is best for you!

Good luck.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Indeed sister Spirit; there is strength in being vulnerable. I realize that when I come to face with the fact that I am not perfect (shocking, I know); things get easier. Judgment slips away and I am able to really see. See people -Bren included- for who they are, not for who I would like them to be.

Best vibes to you Spirit; and I also applaud your honesty.

[Lili 3]

my hubby is really driving me crazy with his money spending habits like right now I noticed when I was looking at our bank account he spent almost 8 bucks somewhere today and he knows we are very short on money right now... I know he probably bought smokes and a energy drink...

whenever I try and sit him down to talk about money he says it isn't the right time and then when he does sit down to write a budget, he sets such unrealistic goals...

arrgh...

he thinks just making more money will solve all the money problems but I know it won't... the more money we make the more we spend...

and I do know my hubby isn't the only one at fault here.. I could cut back on my spending too... but I usually only spend money on food... and clothes once in awhile but usually only when I need some clothes.. I do splurge once in awhile and I need to stop that...

he spends a lot during the week buying drinks and smokes while he is working...

maybe we should take some kind of budgeting class or something

You should start some excel spreadsheet and monitor your spending amount for a month (where it goes and how much). Then at the end of the month, sit down with your husband and he will understand how much you could be saving.

It might help to give him a really accurate picture of his spending habits. Oh and splurging once in a while is not a big deal, every woman needs to spend on something nice once in a while.

Instead of the budgeting class, your hubby should start a smoking cessation program. Most states offer free nicotine patches and consultations. Depending on how much he smokes, you could be saving $2,000/year of more.

[SpiritAlight 1]

I admire your honesty.

Thanks.

It is challenging...and always worth it.