Hard to see my husband in a "fish out of water" situation

[Leyla 0]

It's been a crazy 2 1/2 weeks But in retrospect we are blessed.

I told Tarik that when he got here he needed to take a week off. He worked 7 days a wee 6am-11pm every day at his cafe in Casablanca so I thought a week was the LEAST he needed haha!

During his first week off we were ... alright. He is so shy and timid. He had a hard time meeting people at the mosque, he wouldn't go to visit an of my friends and would often cry about these things. He says he feels like he is nothing because he can't get a "real job" yet, he has no SSN and he is not a PR yet. He keeps breaking down saying: "I don't even care for this country. All I care about is you." I offered (more than a few times) to move to Morocco with him. He says he will be ok, he's just sad about leaving home. So the first week of being on our own and being married we cried at least once a day (it was exhausting!)

Then, out of nowhere his sister and brother-in-law (that USED to live in OHIO but moved to Louisianna for no apparent reason) decided to randomly (and I DO mean randomly) drive from Louisianna to Ohio to visit and help Tarik find some kind of work. I was a little anxious because I was hoping I could be a part of that process and I had no idea when they would be here or if they were coming right over to my apartment or not! So at 8am Tarik and I both get numerous calls on our cell phones. Finally I answer one of the calls. It is his sister and she is on our road asking what my apartment # is. I hadn't even showered and the place was a mess. I give her the address and she comes in with her husband, her son and one of their friends. I am a little grouchy because I had just been woken up and had to get ready and clean in the span of only 10 minutes. I said my Salams but apparently that was not good enough because later Tarik told me I have to act more Moroccan (which has always been my intention but ... I've kinda been American for 22 years. It's a hard habit to break). My brother-in-law takes Tarik out with their friend to find a job and leave me (with no idea of what is going on) with his sister. We ended up driving to London Ohio in the middle of BFE to have lunch with my sister-in-laws friend. The food was good, and her friend was as sweet as Candy but I still didn't know what Tarik was up to. We then drove all the way back to Columbus, met with an immigration consular. Then everyone split up only to meet back in London for dinner later that night. When Tarik and I got home, we cried (go figure). We were boh so upset (more like overwhelmed). We talked about his sister and how she was only here to help etc. Then we drove all the way back to London for dinner. I felt so left out. It was like being in Morocco all over again. Everyone was speaking in Moroccan and not giving the American girl a clue as to what was going on. But... whatever I am used to it. I sit back, listen for words I know and try to learn something else. Meanwhile I play with the children and watch CARS for the 3rd time that day.

The next day was terrible. Tarik was to start his new job at a store (that was all the information I was given). I drove him to the store, dropped him off and told him to come back outside to tell me when to pick him up. The job was originally scheduled from 2pm-midnight! So I am sitting in my car getting bad vibes fro the area and the people. It's smack dab in the ghetto. I see all the people walking in and out of the store and around the area. They all look like .... drug dealers and pimps and HS drop outs with the dream of being on Jerry Springer one day. Soon I saw Tarik walk out of the store. In his black button up shirt, nice jeans and geled hair he looked SO out of place. By this time I was crying. I had seen a women (300+ pounds or more) in shorts that might as well have been underwear and a tube top walking to the corner and then walking away for the past 10 minutes. Then, while Tarik is talking to me, she comes back, talks to a guy in his truck and gets in. I lost it! Tarik asked me what she just did and I explained it to her. I told him I thought the job was bad. It was Haram. He would be selling beer, cigarettes, lottery tickets etc. I know beggers can't be chosers but I KNEW we could find a Halal job. If you look for the good, good will come to you. So we drove home, thought of possible job oppurtunities, and found a possible job at my friends dads tire shop. We went in for an interview. Everything went perfect. Tarik and my friends dad got along well. It was great. He said he would contact his business partnet and get back to us the next day.

That day Tarik stayed by his phone no matter where he was. He didn't eat or sleep the night before. Then, late that night, we found out some other guy had hired someone else to take the job. Tarik burst into tears. He wasn't just crying... he was weeping. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness: a grown man weeping uncontrollably. He was unable to be comforted. All I could do was think of other options and hold him trying not to cry. I called my friend asking her if there was ANYWAY he could work for her father. She said she would ask. The next day, there was a BBQ at the mosuqe I was in charge of. I brought Tarik to help set up. While he went into the mosque to pray, my friend was on the phone with her father. She started jumping up and down. I held my breath. She looked at me and said "My father is going to give Tarik a job!" I SCREAMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALHAMDULILLAH! I ran inside to tell Tarik. He was SO happy! Ever since that day we have been great. He now feels a little more comfortable and able to support me. I know this job is something is is not used to, but God bless him for doing anything for me. I lucked out on him God has blessed me.

Other than all of that (haha!) Tarik has also disovered the joy of the Chinese Buffet and Borat

I pray for the best for all of you. Have faith and search for the good and God will reward you.

[Henia 11]

First off ... good luck to both of you in this year ahead.

Secondly, I donnot see how your husband can except or even want you to be "more" Moroccan. If he wanted Moroccan woman, why didn't he marry one?

Thirdly, it is bad manners to speak around you in Derja buuut something you will have to just used to ... since this is how they are. I am living here 2 yrs ... so I know!

2 1/2 weeks he has been in the US ... and both of you pressing for him to get a job? Without papers? Well congrats, if you find him one (halaal) one but if I were you I would thinking more in the lines of getting him "trained" on living in the US ... how things work (getting around, communicating, etc) so he gets the point where he can do without you around. Then go from there with training courses ... and then look for work (esp if he doesn't have his papers) ... But if you two are so stuck on getting him working ---> resturants are the most obvious way to go!

Also I donnot know the in-laws but I advise you --->stay away!

Best of luck!

[Tunisia216 2]

You did all of that in 2 1/2 weeks???? OMG girl!!! I'm tired reading that! I know all about the tears and the crying and how heart breaking that is, but you guys are really doing great and it does sound like you have a wonderful man! I'm so glad to hear about the blessing of the job and not having to work in the other one - I've done the same thing with bars and such and said absolutely not so I can totally feel you on that!! I hope it keeps going so well!! Thank you for the update, it was a great read!!!

[*JG* 2]

Number one......from someone who knows.....don't let family dictate your lives. I know you guys are discombobulated right now; but don't let any of them take over for you in any way. You two have to figure this out together. And, you will. 2.5 weeks is not long enough. Take your time.

Second, congrats. I wish you both the best.

[Leyla 0]

First off ... good luck to both of you in this year ahead.

Secondly, I donnot see how your husband can except or even want you to be "more" Moroccan. If he wanted Moroccan woman, why didn't he marry one?

Thirdly, it is bad manners to speak around you in Derja buuut something you will have to just used to ... since this is how they are. I am living here 2 yrs ... so I know!

2 1/2 weeks he has been in the US ... and both of you pressing for him to get a job? Without papers? Well congrats, if you find him one (halaal) one but if I were you I would thinking more in the lines of getting him "trained" on living in the US ... how things work (getting around, communicating, etc) so he gets the point where he can do without you around. Then go from there with training courses ... and then look for work (esp if he doesn't have his papers) ... But if you two are so stuck on getting him working ---> resturants are the most obvious way to go!

Also I donnot know the in-laws but I advise you --->stay away!

Best of luck!

I disagree on the "more Moroccan" thing. I know this might sound silly, but I've always wanted to be moe like... well... Non Americans (in some respects). I think it's so neat how the Moroccan women I know are great hostess'. They always have enough for their guests and are amazing cooks. I've always admired the MENA Culture and I want to adopt a lot of it in my household. Plus, he didn't marry me because I was American, or Moroccan or whatever. He said he married me because I have a kind heart and I am a good Muslim (according to him). My nationality has nothing to do with it.

[Tunisia216 2]

I do understand what you were saying... Wanting to do some of the things that he is use to because it will make him more comfortable and at the same times those are characteristics that you admire in Moroccan woman. That is very admirable and I think that your husband will appreciate it greatly.

but I also understand what Henia was saying - Just be careful not to "lose yourself " in that. As long as you are being true to yourself, everything else will fall into place.

Also the SIL sounds a little pushy - if it's unacceptable to your husband, he's going to have to put his foot down. I know they were just trying to help him out, but the push to get him working days after he arrived and them driving that far unannounced to make it happen, seems unacceptable. As well as their not being concerned about the environment he was working in, as much as they were concerned about just 'getting him working' I'm so glad that you found something better for him and it might even be a blessing that it wasn't a job that they found.... Puts that leverage a little more in your court!

Wishing you so many good things!!!! Sounds like you are off and running

First off ... good luck to both of you in this year ahead.

Secondly, I donnot see how your husband can except or even want you to be "more" Moroccan. If he wanted Moroccan woman, why didn't he marry one?

Thirdly, it is bad manners to speak around you in Derja buuut something you will have to just used to ... since this is how they are. I am living here 2 yrs ... so I know!

2 1/2 weeks he has been in the US ... and both of you pressing for him to get a job? Without papers? Well congrats, if you find him one (halaal) one but if I were you I would thinking more in the lines of getting him "trained" on living in the US ... how things work (getting around, communicating, etc) so he gets the point where he can do without you around. Then go from there with training courses ... and then look for work (esp if he doesn't have his papers) ... But if you two are so stuck on getting him working ---> resturants are the most obvious way to go!

Also I donnot know the in-laws but I advise you --->stay away!

Best of luck!

I disagree on the "more Moroccan" thing. I know this might sound silly, but I've always wanted to be moe like... well... Non Americans (in some respects). I think it's so neat how the Moroccan women I know are great hostess'. They always have enough for their guests and are amazing cooks. I've always admired the MENA Culture and I want to adopt a lot of it in my household. Plus, he didn't marry me because I was American, or Moroccan or whatever. He said he married me because I have a kind heart and I am a good Muslim (according to him). My nationality has nothing to do with it.

[doodlebugg 10]

Wow all that in 2 1/2 weeks???? Good for you guys!!!!

I think at the 2 1/2 week point my husband was just learning how to work the lawn mower! Of course he didn't have his EAD yet at that point so the pressure wasn't on yet. Good luck and congratulations and stop the crying...you're together...bask in your love and enjoy each moment!

[Tunisia216 2]

:rofl: You got that right!! Mine was still fighting with the vacuum and it's insistence on eating everything in the room As well as refusing to use other household appliance because they were unnecessary energy wasters ( me thinks he was scared of them LOL )

Wow all that in 2 1/2 weeks???? Good for you guys!!!!

I think at the 2 1/2 week point my husband was just learning how to work the lawn mower! Of course he didn't have his EAD yet at that point so the pressure wasn't on yet. Good luck and congratulations and stop the crying...you're together...bask in your love and enjoy each moment!

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

so what kind of job was it that tarik ended up getting...its fantastic that you were able to find something...sofyan came to america with a his ss card pretty much in the mail 4 days after getting here...and it stil took us forever to find a job he could actually make an ok amount of money in..you are blessed for finding it soo fast!!

other than that its great to hear things are going well...your first year you can expect many obstacles, but they are just small bumps in the road and you will get thru em' good luck!!

[caybee 21]

Awwwww, you almost had me crying before the last paragraph. The adjustment is so hard, and when someone you love is trying their heart out and getting knocked back again and again, it really hurts. Good that he's able to cry in front of you, though, and express his frustration. That says a lot about your communication as a couple. I'm so glad Tarik got a safe and halal job, and kudos to you both for following your conscience and intuition. As frustrating as it must have been to have his family swoop in and try to fix things, what a blessing that they are within SOS distance. Once Tarik gets on his feet and becomes more independent, the visits may get easier (especially if you get a little warning!). Nice to see a happy ending to the first chapter, and best wishes for the road ahead.

[Aymsgirl 0]

That is great he has found a job. My husband has not recieved his EAD or GC yet and has put in so many resumes and not had one phone call and he has been here 4 months. As far as it being hard on him, I have empathy for both of you. It is so hard to adjust and every day I hear something new about how Egypt is better than the US for this or that reason. I know he is missing home when I hear this and it is hard for a man who has worked so much to adjust to not working. God bless you both and keep strong!!! Congratulations again to the newlyweds!!!

[Henia 11]

First off ... good luck to both of you in this year ahead.

Secondly, I donnot see how your husband can except or even want you to be "more" Moroccan. If he wanted Moroccan woman, why didn't he marry one?

Thirdly, it is bad manners to speak around you in Derja buuut something you will have to just used to ... since this is how they are. I am living here 2 yrs ... so I know!

2 1/2 weeks he has been in the US ... and both of you pressing for him to get a job? Without papers? Well congrats, if you find him one (halaal) one but if I were you I would thinking more in the lines of getting him "trained" on living in the US ... how things work (getting around, communicating, etc) so he gets the point where he can do without you around. Then go from there with training courses ... and then look for work (esp if he doesn't have his papers) ... But if you two are so stuck on getting him working ---> resturants are the most obvious way to go!

Also I donnot know the in-laws but I advise you --->stay away!

Best of luck!

I disagree on the "more Moroccan" thing. I know this might sound silly, but I've always wanted to be moe like... well... Non Americans (in some respects). I think it's so neat how the Moroccan women I know are great hostess'. They always have enough for their guests and are amazing cooks. I've always admired the MENA Culture and I want to adopt a lot of it in my household. Plus, he didn't marry me because I was American, or Moroccan or whatever. He said he married me because I have a kind heart and I am a good Muslim (according to him). My nationality has nothing to do with it.

Well I am sorry if you took offense to my words but my intention was good. I only meant as Ash restated, you should be you! But I do agree many of the MENA morals are better then American ones. For me, I have adopted the better parts of Algeria, while filtering out the bad ones.

[caybee 21]

I disagree on the "more Moroccan" thing. I know this might sound silly, but I've always wanted to be moe like... well... Non Americans (in some respects). I think it's so neat how the Moroccan women I know are great hostess'. They always have enough for their guests and are amazing cooks. I've always admired the MENA Culture and I want to adopt a lot of it in my household. Plus, he didn't marry me because I was American, or Moroccan or whatever. He said he married me because I have a kind heart and I am a good Muslim (according to him). My nationality has nothing to do with it.

I get what you're saying. Some of my husband's relatives showed up without warning when I was in Morocco, and I watched his mom and sisters welcome them with open arms and throw a meal together for everyone. My mom has relatives from Kentucky/Ohio like that as well. The cultural thing for her folks goes back to living in the mountains with bad roads, so if you "dropped in" for a visit, it was expected that your surprised host would feed you (taking pride in feeding you well) and give you a bed for the night. It's frustrating when it's sprung on you, but at the same time, it's a very warm tradition. I've thought about putting together an emergency kit of sorts for unexpected drop-ins (the few we ever get), tea and nice cookies tucked away in a cupboard so at least my husband could welcome his friends in Moroccan fashion. I can throw a tagine together pretty quickly if I have the ingredients on hand. So do I think it's possible to adapt some of the traditions that you're especially fond of without your blood pressure spiking through the roof, if that is your choice. As for the Darija, yeah, I've realized that's just gonna happen when I'm outnumbered. Either I learn it myself (as hubby has learned English) or I'm just gonna be in the dark much of the time. I do pick up on things now, though, and there are times I can follow a conversation between my husband and his brother well enough to laugh or nod "knowingly" at an appropriate time and freak the man out.

I do agree many of the MENA morals are better then American ones. For me, I have adopted the better parts of Algeria, while filtering out the bad ones.

Edited August 26, 2008 by caybee

[caybee 21]

Wow all that in 2 1/2 weeks???? Good for you guys!!!!

I think at the 2 1/2 week point my husband was just learning how to work the lawn mower! Of course he didn't have his EAD yet at that point so the pressure wasn't on yet. Good luck and congratulations and stop the crying...you're together...bask in your love and enjoy each moment!

Ahhhhh, the lawn mower memories...

[Nutty 2]

OMG!!!!

I am reading this on the sly at work. But I feel compelled to say to you and Tarik, "Be easy on yourselves!!!!! It's only 2 1/2 weeks since Tarik arrived. I admire Tarik's desire to find a job so quickly, but don't take it to heart if nothing happened in two weeks. Gosh, it took me one month at least to find work and I am American by birth."

PS...I do have to laugh when you descibe how the relatives just randomly hop in their car and drive up without making arrangements first. I've been in the same situation as you on this. And just recently my husband told me to be "more Iranian" when dealing with his relatives.

It's been a crazy 2 1/2 weeks But in retrospect we are blessed.

I told Tarik that when he got here he needed to take a week off. He worked 7 days a wee 6am-11pm every day at his cafe in Casablanca so I thought a week was the LEAST he needed haha!

During his first week off we were ... alright. He is so shy and timid. He had a hard time meeting people at the mosque, he wouldn't go to visit an of my friends and would often cry about these things. He says he feels like he is nothing because he can't get a "real job" yet, he has no SSN and he is not a PR yet. He keeps breaking down saying: "I don't even care for this country. All I care about is you." I offered (more than a few times) to move to Morocco with him. He says he will be ok, he's just sad about leaving home. So the first week of being on our own and being married we cried at least once a day (it was exhausting!)

Then, out of nowhere his sister and brother-in-law (that USED to live in OHIO but moved to Louisianna for no apparent reason) decided to randomly (and I DO mean randomly) drive from Louisianna to Ohio to visit and help Tarik find some kind of work. I was a little anxious because I was hoping I could be a part of that process and I had no idea when they would be here or if they were coming right over to my apartment or not! So at 8am Tarik and I both get numerous calls on our cell phones. Finally I answer one of the calls. It is his sister and she is on our road asking what my apartment # is. I hadn't even showered and the place was a mess. I give her the address and she comes in with her husband, her son and one of their friends. I am a little grouchy because I had just been woken up and had to get ready and clean in the span of only 10 minutes. I said my Salams but apparently that was not good enough because later Tarik told me I have to act more Moroccan (which has always been my intention but ... I've kinda been American for 22 years. It's a hard habit to break). My brother-in-law takes Tarik out with their friend to find a job and leave me (with no idea of what is going on) with his sister. We ended up driving to London Ohio in the middle of BFE to have lunch with my sister-in-laws friend. The food was good, and her friend was as sweet as Candy but I still didn't know what Tarik was up to. We then drove all the way back to Columbus, met with an immigration consular. Then everyone split up only to meet back in London for dinner later that night. When Tarik and I got home, we cried (go figure). We were boh so upset (more like overwhelmed). We talked about his sister and how she was only here to help etc. Then we drove all the way back to London for dinner. I felt so left out. It was like being in Morocco all over again. Everyone was speaking in Moroccan and not giving the American girl a clue as to what was going on. But... whatever I am used to it. I sit back, listen for words I know and try to learn something else. Meanwhile I play with the children and watch CARS for the 3rd time that day.

The next day was terrible. Tarik was to start his new job at a store (that was all the information I was given). I drove him to the store, dropped him off and told him to come back outside to tell me when to pick him up. The job was originally scheduled from 2pm-midnight! So I am sitting in my car getting bad vibes fro the area and the people. It's smack dab in the ghetto. I see all the people walking in and out of the store and around the area. They all look like .... drug dealers and pimps and HS drop outs with the dream of being on Jerry Springer one day. Soon I saw Tarik walk out of the store. In his black button up shirt, nice jeans and geled hair he looked SO out of place. By this time I was crying. I had seen a women (300+ pounds or more) in shorts that might as well have been underwear and a tube top walking to the corner and then walking away for the past 10 minutes. Then, while Tarik is talking to me, she comes back, talks to a guy in his truck and gets in. I lost it! Tarik asked me what she just did and I explained it to her. I told him I thought the job was bad. It was Haram. He would be selling beer, cigarettes, lottery tickets etc. I know beggers can't be chosers but I KNEW we could find a Halal job. If you look for the good, good will come to you. So we drove home, thought of possible job oppurtunities, and found a possible job at my friends dads tire shop. We went in for an interview. Everything went perfect. Tarik and my friends dad got along well. It was great. He said he would contact his business partnet and get back to us the next day.

That day Tarik stayed by his phone no matter where he was. He didn't eat or sleep the night before. Then, late that night, we found out some other guy had hired someone else to take the job. Tarik burst into tears. He wasn't just crying... he was weeping. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness: a grown man weeping uncontrollably. He was unable to be comforted. All I could do was think of other options and hold him trying not to cry. I called my friend asking her if there was ANYWAY he could work for her father. She said she would ask. The next day, there was a BBQ at the mosuqe I was in charge of. I brought Tarik to help set up. While he went into the mosque to pray, my friend was on the phone with her father. She started jumping up and down. I held my breath. She looked at me and said "My father is going to give Tarik a job!" I SCREAMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALHAMDULILLAH! I ran inside to tell Tarik. He was SO happy! Ever since that day we have been great. He now feels a little more comfortable and able to support me. I know this job is something is is not used to, but God bless him for doing anything for me. I lucked out on him God has blessed me.

Other than all of that (haha!) Tarik has also disovered the joy of the Chinese Buffet and Borat

I pray for the best for all of you. Have faith and search for the good and God will reward you.