Hubby not coping with US culture !!

[christera22 8]

Hi all,

I dnt know where to post.My hubby is an Indian and I am an american lady. Now he is facing some problems here and nopt liking here at all. He has not started to work here and thinks that american professional life will be the same.

As you Indians are not as fare as us and thus whereever he goes he faces this problem that people look at him in a strange way. He says he doesnt get any life , welcome or recognition in the way people look at him and he says this is not the case in india . He also misses neighbors and says there are like family there........ as u know we hardly interact with neighbors. Neither can he walk on the roads , and has to travel in my car. So he says he feels highly unfriendly and unsafe here.

He has a british straight accent and thus most people here cannot understand his english in one stance.They have to ask again & again. He doesnt break his words into syllebles and makes them into one sylleble.Thus he is afraid he will also face these unfrieundly, racial stuff on roads, office and problem in communication everywhere and thus it will be very painful for him to live here.

I really dont know what to say here........... we are at dayton,ohio ......we can move to some more friendly places ( though i dnt know where that wd be ! ) but i dnt think that wd change the basic american culture.

What does the VJers say on this ?? any advice !! has anyone faced anything like this ???

[sara..... 371]

i dont know how long ur hubby has been here but it sounds like he is home sick......life here is different.....i know what he is talking about because we have lived over seas and here life is fast but we are lucky enough to live on the west coast and so life is not as mmmm hard i guess is not the word im searching for but it will do lol.......he needs to find a community that has many people from india i know that ny and calif has a lot of people from india, pakistan and many other countries.......

i think the first year is the hardest to get comfortable in a new life in a new country it took us about that long in pakistan.......i hope things improve for him

sara

[CaNdiD wiTcH 0]

Hi all,

I dnt know where to post.My hubby is an Indian and I am an american lady. Now he is facing some problems here and nopt liking here at all. He has not started to work here and thinks that american professional life will be the same.

As you Indians are not as fare as us and thus whereever he goes he faces this problem that people look at him in a strange way. He says he doesnt get any life , welcome or recognition in the way people look at him and he says this is not the case in india . He also misses neighbors and says there are like family there........ as u know we hardly interact with neighbors. Neither can he walk on the roads , and has to travel in my car. So he says he feels highly unfriendly and unsafe here.

He has a british straight accent and thus most people here cannot understand his english in one stance.They have to ask again & again. He doesnt break his words into syllebles and makes them into one sylleble.Thus he is afraid he will also face these unfrieundly, racial stuff on roads, office and problem in communication everywhere and thus it will be very painful for him to live here.

I really dont know what to say here........... we are at dayton,ohio ......we can move to some more friendly places ( though i dnt know where that wd be ! ) but i dnt think that wd change the basic american culture.

What does the VJers say on this ?? any advice !! has anyone faced anything like this ???

I have never been to US but I have been out of the country for work. It is a normal thing to feel strange at first. Homesick and feeling that you don't belong is there till the time that you could adapt to the environment. Just be there for your husband and try to explain that he is just going through a normal process of adaptation as he is new. His willingness to cope up with the current environment is also important. I worked with Indians and some of my husband's colleague in US are from India as well.. I do not think that his problem would be permanent.. Moving into a different place would not be a solution in my opinion. Anywhere in US, he will encounter different people (some maybe harsh some maybe nice).. He just need to know how to deal with it.. God Bless..

Edited August 24, 2008 by CaNdiD wiTcH

[Brad and Vika 129]

Hi all,

I dnt know where to post.My hubby is an Indian and I am an american lady. Now he is facing some problems here and nopt liking here at all. He has not started to work here and thinks that american professional life will be the same.

As you Indians are not as fare as us and thus whereever he goes he faces this problem that people look at him in a strange way. He says he doesnt get any life , welcome or recognition in the way people look at him and he says this is not the case in india . He also misses neighbors and says there are like family there........ as u know we hardly interact with neighbors. Neither can he walk on the roads , and has to travel in my car. So he says he feels highly unfriendly and unsafe here.

He has a british straight accent and thus most people here cannot understand his english in one stance.They have to ask again & again. He doesnt break his words into syllebles and makes them into one sylleble.Thus he is afraid he will also face these unfrieundly, racial stuff on roads, office and problem in communication everywhere and thus it will be very painful for him to live here.

I really dont know what to say here........... we are at dayton,ohio ......we can move to some more friendly places ( though i dnt know where that wd be ! ) but i dnt think that wd change the basic american culture.

What does the VJers say on this ?? any advice !! has anyone faced anything like this ???

Some good advice above, time may take care of the problem. About the accent, you might try telling him that the US, like India, is a big place with lots of different accents. Lord knows I find people from Appalachia and the Gulf Coast hard to understand. His language will adapt in time to be as bad as ours

Edited August 24, 2008 by Brad and Vika

[christera22 8]

Lots of good advices........... whwre do you suggest we wd find more good people........... we are at Ohio ....... wd NY , Calif and west coast be better towards foreigners than Ohio ?? and how is work place environment ......... are they toleraant towards foreigners ?/

I dnt know how to cope up with his neighbor intermingling concept ........ is that available anywhere in usa ? i dnt think so...

[trinket 30]

Ohio university has a significant number of Indians, I am not sure how far is, but may be there is an Indian study group within the university.

Even if not university, I am sure you can find any of those Indian stores, let him talk to the Indians out there and feel a bit at home.

About accent, it will come with the time. US itself has so many dialects.

I think once he gets into a job and starts interacting with more and more people, he will ease up a lot. People will stare one day or one month, not more than that, they will get used to inter-racial couple. It's just that he is idle and have nothing to do the whole day, he can't drive and he can't go anywhere on his own, its a new place, everything is new, he is kind of lost soul right now, so you have to be patient, you have to give him a year or so before he can finally settle down and feel comfortable.

On a side note, didn't people star at you guys in India too? I know me and my husband were and even got some snarky remarks but we took it lightly, joked about it and let it go.

[christera22 8]

mmmm i have no idea about india as i never have been there............. thats why i somehow didnt understand what he meant by saying indians are more friendly & social than americans.

[Ana&D 0]

So sorry ur hubby is feeling that way. When I first came to US I sometimes felt that way, but after some months it was ok. Hopefully he's just homesick. As an idea to offer, maybe u guys can try and find some Indians for him to communicate in ur hometown? We had some Indians in my workplace in Orlando and looks like they had their own community going on. Maybe try the yellow pages for Indian churches/culture centers?

[Imua 0]

Lots of good advices........... whwre do you suggest we wd find more good people........... we are at Ohio ....... wd NY , Calif and west coast be better towards foreigners than Ohio ?? and how is work place environment ......... are they toleraant towards foreigners ?/

I dnt know how to cope up with his neighbor intermingling concept ........ is that available anywhere in usa ? i dnt think so...

Too bad you're not here in Queens, NY - I think we have the biggest desi community in the US, at least the most diverse. In my apartment building alone we have Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Sri Lankan people - Govi will be the first Nepali and if we could find someone from Bhutan I believe we would have full SAARC representation, LOL...

I can go to a store up the street from me and buy Frooti and Limca, and eat dosa and idli. There are maybe 5 Hindu temples and a Sikh gurudwar in my immediate neighborhood. It is not uncommon to see men in dhotis here, even in March... I walk around in a salwar kameez and nobody gives me a second look. I know exactly what he means about the lack of street life in many American towns - I felt the same culture shock visiting my mom in Fresno, CA and seeing absolutely nobody on the street, everybody driving - it looked like a ghost town to me and I can't imagine how someone from India or Nepal would cope. And in Nepal anyway neighbors all know each other, in warm weather they leave their doors open, it's a totally different mindset.

Hopefully your hubby will adjust in time - if he is feeling really homesick then come to NYC and hang out in Queens

[Nikita2Charles 32]

I can feel with your husband plight, what to keep in mind it's just a stage. People deal with their emotions differently, homesickness, missing your environment, feeling helpless, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. Like Rani, Being in the Sillcon valley we have one of the largest community of indians in the bay area, we even have a huge festival in Fremont Around August 15 to celebrate india independence day with lot of enterntainers locals and some flown from India.

One of the thing you can do if possible for your husband to attend some classes, something to keep his mind busy. Being an active person and one of a suddent to stay at home and do nothing can be depressing. Also the other factor that he's not able to contribute financialy to the relationship can add to his burden. Pray and leave things in God's hand. Best wishes

Lots of good advices........... whwre do you suggest we wd find more good people........... we are at Ohio ....... wd NY , Calif and west coast be better towards foreigners than Ohio ?? and how is work place environment ......... are they toleraant towards foreigners ?/

I dnt know how to cope up with his neighbor intermingling concept ........ is that available anywhere in usa ? i dnt think so...

Too bad you're not here in Queens, NY - I think we have the biggest desi community in the US, at least the most diverse. In my apartment building alone we have Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Sri Lankan people - Govi will be the first Nepali and if we could find someone from Bhutan I believe we would have full SAARC representation, LOL...

I can go to a store up the street from me and buy Frooti and Limca, and eat dosa and idli. There are maybe 5 Hindu temples and a Sikh gurudwar in my immediate neighborhood. It is not uncommon to see men in dhotis here, even in March... I walk around in a salwar kameez and nobody gives me a second look. I know exactly what he means about the lack of street life in many American towns - I felt the same culture shock visiting my mom in Fresno, CA and seeing absolutely nobody on the street, everybody driving - it looked like a ghost town to me and I can't imagine how someone from India or Nepal would cope. And in Nepal anyway neighbors all know each other, in warm weather they leave their doors open, it's a totally different mindset.

Hopefully your hubby will adjust in time - if he is feeling really homesick then come to NYC and hang out in Queens

[joelunchbox 0]

I don't mean to make light of your situation but...my first marriage was to someone from west alabama, usa. No one--including me sometimes!!--could understand her. REally!

You don't give us much info like where you are, so here is my general suggestions.

find something to do as a couple--May I suggest square dancing or contra dancing. Do a google search for your area. What is nice about social activities is that people just care if you can do it, not how you look or sound.

I have traveled many places and felt out of place in most of them. But, invariably, if I got out and looked around, I would bump into someone nice and I would start to fit in.

Hope you two can find somewhere to go to help him feel more comfortable.

Has he thougt about volunteering somewhere? That is a nice way to make friends, too.

[E-Man 0]

I am sorry that your husband feels that way and I can sympathize on how your husband feels. With very few Indians living there and people who don't understand the Indian culture, makes it even more difficult for him. As someone said, you would need to go to a city where there is a large Indian population. Typically most large cities have a significant Indian population. I grew up with many Indians in Chicago and there are many Indian restuarants, stores etc.

To me I think that the coasts are an easier transition for immigrants because you have much more racial diversity (Los Angeles & New York for example).

[*JG* 2]

It takes time to figure it all out. Just hang in there.

[ginger1981 0]

You and your husband should take a weekend in Chicago sometime. It's only a 5 hour drive, and if you book enough in advance you can get a hotel for fairly cheap too. The Rogers Park neighborhood along Devon Avenue is the center of the Indian/Paki community in the midwest...there are plenty of stores, temples and restaurants that would make your husband feel a bit more at home.

[alienlovechild 75]

As you Indians are not as fare as us and thus whereever he goes he faces this problem that people look at him in a strange way.

Works the same for Americans in India. If you stick out, you'll be noticed anywhere there aren't many people that look like you.

........ as u know we hardly interact with neighbors. Neither can he walk on the roads , and has to travel in my car. So he says he feels highly unfriendly and unsafe here.

He shouldn't take it personally, most Americans don't know their neighbors due to mobility and the American unique belief in the right of privacy which I haven't heard expressed in other countries. What makes him think it's unsafe for him?

He has a british straight accent and thus most people here cannot understand his english in one stance.

Indians tend to speak quickly and speaking more slowing does help.

Thus he is afraid he will also face these unfrieundly, racial stuff on roads, office and problem in communication everywhere and thus it will be very painful for him to live here.

Not dealing with the locals will just isolate him even more. My boss is Indian and so are the guys who run the gas station near my apartment. They deal with public and become accustomed to the strange natives here. My boss claims he's never run into racial problems in over four years here. I'm sure what you mean by racial stuff on the roads unless you're referring to jerks who yell out the windows of their cars at pedestrians. I'm white but I've heard , too.

I really dont know what to say here........... we are at dayton,ohio ......we can move to some more friendly places ( though i dnt know where that wd be ! ) but i dnt think that wd change the basic american culture.

Sorry to say but Dayton is a dump and it's not the only one. Shrinking cities don't bring in new blood and long time residents are set in their ways.

Read a list of cities to avoid.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26127523/

Check out this link for a better place to live.

http://www.bestplaces.net/

Edited August 25, 2008 by alienlovechild