Continuation of "it's not been a bed of roses."

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

But yes, after that he moved back to Kerman to work closer to home.

His mom does stay at home and do all cooking/cleaning. But his father is dead. He is the eldest (at home).

It is my understanding Iranians tend to stay home until marriage because rents are so expensive.

Yeah, real estate in Tehran is even more expensive than in Dubai and you don't make as much money there either.

But I wouldn't be surprised if his mom started babying him again once he moved back to Kerman.

My fiance says that Iranians put alot of emphasis on the children so they grow up spoiled.

[AlHayatZween 2]

Hi Nutty!

Feel better... i just wanted to send a note to tell you that it will get better soon.

Just to commiserate, me too, I am exhausted as all hell. It's a lot more tiring and stressful than i thought it would be, and i find myself getting irritated and annoyed by little things, a lot more than i used to.

Just hang in... he will find a job soon.

And really, just any old job is good to start... It will help him get a handle on the language, accent, and vernacular; he'll learn the costs of things better; and hopefully, it will give him a chance to adjust to the culture. And even if it's not great-paying, any couple of dimes and nickels will help with the bills.

Hope you feel better. And get some rest!

At least we have a long weekend coming up!

hz

[Nutty 2]

I wanted to thank all you for letting me vent and giving me encouragement.

I know my husband loves me. He has not cheated on me or done anything extremely egregious. It is only that he can be stern and critical of me. He is not "jovial" but instead highly analytical person. It used to be I had enough good humour for the both of us. So being "judged" all the time and then having to carry the weight of all responsibility was getting to me.

I admit that I am impatient in nature. But I have been patient or at least tried to be. The times I "lose my cool" are not because I haven't exerted enough patience, it is because I am worn out.

It is so important for all of us to have an anonymous place to share our feelings. It is not good to complain to friends and family too much about the "downs" that happen in a marriage. Because it isn't good to give your spouse a bad reputation with those he has to interact with. So I try not to say much to people close to me.

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

It is so important for all of us to have an anonymous place to share our feelings. It is not good to complain to friends and family too much about the "downs" that happen in a marriage. Because it isn't good to give your spouse a bad reputation with those he has to interact with. So I try not to say much to people close to me.

Understood. And that's a great idea. I'd never tell my family if we were having problems no matter how bad they were. Luckily we don't really have any problems. My fiance is quite intelligent. He's also an engineer, but luckily he's goofy and down to earth as well and lavishes attention upon me. I do get frustrated that he doesn't help cook or clean as much as he should. But that's really his only flaw so I can't really complain.

The only time I really lose my temper with my fiance is when i'm driving in Dubai and he decides to be a back-seat driver.

Driving in Dubai is stressful enough with a road-raging Emirati in a white SUV riding up your ### without your SO critiqueing your road-skills. I can't wait till he gets a license so I can pay him back.

Have you let him know you need him to lighten up? Maybe forcing him to watch the Simpsons would teach him some American humor.

[Nutty 2]

Good idea the Simpsons (but a lot of it is "inside humour" and maybe he won't get it).

Last night we watched Lord of the Rings, and when I explained what elves were all my husband starting talking about was Jinns (or really Pari's, which are not really Jinns but angelic people in Persian). Then he started telling me Moses stories...UGh!!! He always has to go into moralistic stories! I just wish he would be more light and easy.

Edited August 25, 2008 by Nutty

[girl 37 7]

Not sure what's available in your area or whether you've already looked into it but back in Vancouver (Canada) I had a couple of immigrant friends that took advantage of government-sponsered low-cost / no cost services for new immigrants to improve their English (a series of increasingly challenging language classes) and work on their job-finding skills (e.g., putting together a resume, writing cover letters, doing mock interviews, etc.). Both friends benefited from the programs and met other people that were in similar situations there, though I must admit their cover letters still needed some tweaking.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Speaking of humor....I had CD's in my car of different comedians, to enjoy on my daily drive to work. So one day I put in George Carlin and I'm laughing and from Ibrahim, nothing. I put in George Lopez, nothing. I think our senses of humor are more different than I thought.

Jackie

Edited August 25, 2008 by just_Jackie

[Nutty 2]

Jackie,

That is part of the problem, I guess. My husband is quite dry and just doesn't know how to joke around and make light. He is sooo serious all the time.

Speaking of humor....I had CD's in my car of different comedians, to enjoy on my daily drive to work. So one day I put in George Carlin and I'm laughing and from Ibrahim, nothing. I put in George Lopez, nothing. I think our senses of humor are more different than I thought.

Jackie

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

It sounds like you guys need a good dose of Maz Jobrani and the Axis of Evil comedy troupe. They're hilarious and your Iranian should get Maz's jokes.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=fYlaIxNX01Q

[morocco4ever 63]

It is true that the sense of humor is very different. I tell jokes and he is stone faced. He tells me jokes, same reaction. But luckily my husband has a great sense of humor and we have found that we are very similar on the ones we find in common. We both know how to make each other laugh.

So has he always been like this, or has he lost his sense of humor since he got here?

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

My fiance just reminded me of how I wanted him to go everywhere with me the first few weeks when I moved to Dubai. It was one thing for me to move to Europe where things aren't so radically different but to move to the ME was quite a scary shocker. Maybe it's the same for him. A bit overwhelming.

But it sounds like you just have a smart and serious husband. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that if you're a more lighthearted person it's not what you might prefer. It's just two different personalities.

Or he could just be from a really traditional family and will need even more time to adjust than others would need.

But it's possible he could still be in the adjustment phase and feeling really insecure. My fiance says that when Iranians first move to a new country they feel the need to prove the greatness of their culture and explain it's history because people don't respect Iran and the Media portrays it as a 3rd world country. Which in many respects it is but Persia has it's place as the world's first empire and oldest culture and alot of Iranians like to dwell on what was because what is is so pathetic. After a while he should loosen up and realize that it's what a country has today rather than what it had in the past that matters. America is abundant in money and material things but lacking in the culture department. That bugs people that come from countries rich in culture but not in money. They feel that culture should be held in higher esteem than materialism but that's just not the way it is in the states. It will take a while to adjust to that.

[caybee 21]

My fiance just reminded me of how I wanted him to go everywhere with me the first few weeks when I moved to Dubai. It was one thing for me to move to Europe where things aren't so radically different but to move to the ME was quite a scary shocker. Maybe it's the same for him. A bit overwhelming.

But it sounds like you just have a smart and serious husband. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that if you're a more lighthearted person it's not what you might prefer. It's just two different personalities.

Or he could just be from a really traditional family and will need even more time to adjust than others would need.

But it's possible he could still be in the adjustment phase and feeling really insecure. My fiance says that when Iranians first move to a new country they feel the need to prove the greatness of their culture and explain it's history because people don't respect Iran and the Media portrays it as a 3rd world country. Which in many respects it is but Persia has it's place as the world's first empire and oldest culture and alot of Iranians like to dwell on what was because what is is so pathetic. After a while he should loosen up and realize that it's what a country has today rather than what it had in the past that matters. America is abundant in money and material things but lacking in the culture department. That bugs people that come from countries rich in culture but not in money. They feel that culture should be held in higher esteem than materialism but that's just not the way it is in the states. It will take a while to adjust to that.

Well said. And even though I hope to move to Morocco one day, at least part time, I can't imagine the courage it would take for me to put myself "out there," to look for a job, even to go shopping alone. I was there for more than a month total, and my husband almost had to physically push me up to the corner store to buy a Coke myself. All I had to do was say "Coca Cola" with him standing three feet behind me and hand the man the coins my husband had already counted, and I still could hardly manage it (I know I'm more timid than many). The added stress of not knowing if someone I encountered would assume I was a terrorist as soon as they met me would make getting out there that much more difficult (my husband got the terrorist jokes from total strangers within a week or two of arriving here).

That said, as someone who has just completed a year and a half of taxi duty, I can certainly empathize with the OP's frustration.

[Nutty 2]

Well, my husband and I are quite different in our experience of traveling alone. I have traveled India EXTENSIVELY, Nepal, Thailand, China, Burma, Australia, Italy, Germany ALONE. As a female, ALONE and SINGLE. So for me, getting my barings and finding me way is natural.

What you said about the need to extol the greatness of the Persian culture is true. My husband constantly tells me of Giroft, Persepolis, Rostram & Sohrab, Iman Ali, Hussein.....

That's all well and good...But sometimes I wish he would lighten up.

I enjoyed the Maz Jobrani clip. However, I don't think my husband would get it.

My fiance just reminded me of how I wanted him to go everywhere with me the first few weeks when I moved to Dubai. It was one thing for me to move to Europe where things aren't so radically different but to move to the ME was quite a scary shocker. Maybe it's the same for him. A bit overwhelming.

But it sounds like you just have a smart and serious husband. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that if you're a more lighthearted person it's not what you might prefer. It's just two different personalities.

Or he could just be from a really traditional family and will need even more time to adjust than others would need.

But it's possible he could still be in the adjustment phase and feeling really insecure. My fiance says that when Iranians first move to a new country they feel the need to prove the greatness of their culture and explain it's history because people don't respect Iran and the Media portrays it as a 3rd world country. Which in many respects it is but Persia has it's place as the world's first empire and oldest culture and alot of Iranians like to dwell on what was because what is is so pathetic. After a while he should loosen up and realize that it's what a country has today rather than what it had in the past that matters. America is abundant in money and material things but lacking in the culture department. That bugs people that come from countries rich in culture but not in money. They feel that culture should be held in higher esteem than materialism but that's just not the way it is in the states. It will take a while to adjust to that.

[Nutty 2]

quote]

Well said. And even though I hope to move to Morocco one day, at least part time, I can't imagine the courage it would take for me to put myself "out there," to look for a job, even to go shopping alone. I was there for more than a month total, and my husband almost had to physically push me up to the corner store to buy a Coke myself. All I had to do was say "Coca Cola" with him standing three feet behind me and hand the man the coins my husband had already counted, and I still could hardly manage it (I know I'm more timid than many). The added stress of not knowing if someone I encountered would assume I was a terrorist as soon as they met me would make getting out there that much more difficult (my husband got the terrorist jokes from total strangers within a week or two of arriving here).

That said, as someone who has just completed a year and a half of taxi duty, I can certainly empathize with the OP's frustration.

I was quite the opposite in Iran. I constantly wanted to go outside and walk. Learn the roads, the shops, practice my money skills, basic farsi speaking. The family was constantly fretting over my solo excursions.

[Jenn! 918]

I was quite the opposite in Iran. I constantly wanted to go outside and walk. Learn the roads, the shops, practice my money skills, basic farsi speaking. The family was constantly fretting over my solo excursions.

I think that's what's making it especially difficult for you to understand his behavior. I'm the same way and I have a hard time sympathizing with certain adjustment issues sometimes, although I've always *tried* to be extra patient. I always figured he would never learn unless he just did things on his own. I'm pretty sure that on the whole I've been more of a ball buster than a coddler. Seeing how self-sufficient Wadi is now makes me think that I went about it the right way (speaking only for us, of course, everyone handles these things differently). Fortunately, Wadi had already lived away from home for a long time (like your husband) and had already adjusted to living in other countries - so that made things quite a bit easier I'm sure.

Edited August 26, 2008 by Jenn!