Continuation of "it's not been a bed of roses."

[Nutty 2]

There is the big difference, Amy...

My husband is always sooooo serious (I knew this, but it never bothered me so much)! Maybe before, living overseas, since I was light-hearted I could liven things up just by being jovial enough for the both of us. But now the weight of the world is on my shoulders. And all he does is talk about philosphy, about science, human nature...For christs sake, lighten up and laugh a little. I sure as hell need a good joke!

[Nutty 2]

Ohhh Olivia, please don't think I haven't felt or tried to be patient. I have tried to keep in my mind that he is new and everything is new to him. To be patient (which isn't my strong suit, but I try). But my husband is really slowwwww!!!! If I didn't get a little hot and bothered (which I feel I am forced to do), everything would take forever.

[Nutty 2]

1) Well, it's been 2 1/2 months (not three weeks)

2) I am not expecting him to assimilate into "our culture" in three weeks. I am expecting him to get a driver's license (since he was a PROFESSIONAL-almost stunt DRIVER back in Iran and wants to drive here).

3) I am a receptionist and we are living paycheck to paycheck. My husband keeps talking about wanting a $500.00 camera. Hell, I can't afford long distance, let alone a cell phone. I opened a bank account for him and put half of my bank savings ($1000.00) into it for him. So he could buy his damn camera.

4) Considering my husband wants to drive, take pictures, then he should expect to get a job. Because I can't afford it on my salary.

5) I think learning what shops/banks/etc are surrounding the apartment within a 5 block radius after being here two months and having the days free to explore is not too much to expect.

Jesus. If I had treated Mags like that when she'd only been here 3 weeks or so, she would have kicked my ####### and been on the first plane back to England.

A person really CAN'T assimilate into a new culture in a couple of months, ya know.....

Mags waited a year before she got a job. We could have used the money, but her getting used to the area and the culture was much more important. She still doesn't have a driver's license. It's inconvenient, but it isn't my place to *make* her go get one. Same with submitting her resumes for jobs. Seriously. #######? Again, I would have gotten my ####### kicked. And I would have deserved it.

[Nutty 2]

What exactly am I saying or doing that is really crosses the line?

First of all, your wife comes from England...so there are similiarities that you are both from a "western" culture. It takes a lot more explanation of how "USA operates" to a person from a totally non-western culture.

Secondly, part of getting assimilated into our culture is having to SPEAK ENGLISH and interact with other Americans. Right now, my husband stays home all day and does not have much interaction. This in itself, limits his use of the English language. Part of my reasoning for him to get a job is that 1) He will become less self-conscious of his speaking ability 2) It will give him self confidence overall.

What I was trying to point out - as a guy - is that if she is really saying and doing all of things that she says she is, he's going to be WAY resentful. If I were in his situation and those things were happening/being said to me, I'd either completely go off and have a screaming match, ending me me leaving, or I'd just keep silent and then leave one day. I would NOT put up with that kind of thing.

She may be "just venting", but if she's really saying and doing those things, then it's real - not venting.

[Tunisia216 2]

I totally get what you are saying as well as what others are saying.. I see both sides..

But I will admit that I lost it quite a few times for the same reasons that you did. And at times I felt guilty for it. But it was a huge change, his way of life there and what my life is here, and the expectations I had for him here. Family calling every day to ask if he found a job yet and things like that were only adding to the pressure. And realizing that what he thought was a lot of money ( my salary) did not go as far when he saw the bills that have to be paid from that..

I really do hope that it gets better for you and easier as time goes on... I don't know how long your relationship was before he got here, but that too can contribute heavily to that "drained" feeling you have... We were almost 2 years before he finally got in the US .. August 2006 to May 2008 and after that time of working, trying to travel back and forth, all the fees and papers to USCIS/NVC.. Money spent, head ache and heart ache, I think I felt bitter and it was hard to find the positive emotions...

It does get a bit easier as time goes and I'm really hoping and praying for you that things are going to improve!!!

1) Well, it's been 2 1/2 months (not three weeks)

2) I am not expecting him to assimilate into "our culture" in three weeks. I am expecting him to get a driver's license (since he was a PROFESSIONAL-almost stunt DRIVER back in Iran and wants to drive here).

3) I am a receptionist and we are living paycheck to paycheck. My husband keeps talking about wanting a $500.00 camera. Hell, I can't afford long distance, let alone a cell phone. I opened a bank account for him and put half of my bank savings ($1000.00) into it for him. So he could buy his damn camera.

4) Considering my husband wants to drive, take pictures, then he should expect to get a job. Because I can't afford it on my salary.

5) I think learning what shops/banks/etc are surrounding the apartment within a 5 block radius after being here two months and having the days free to explore is not too much to expect.

Jesus. If I had treated Mags like that when she'd only been here 3 weeks or so, she would have kicked my ####### and been on the first plane back to England.

A person really CAN'T assimilate into a new culture in a couple of months, ya know.....

Mags waited a year before she got a job. We could have used the money, but her getting used to the area and the culture was much more important. She still doesn't have a driver's license. It's inconvenient, but it isn't my place to *make* her go get one. Same with submitting her resumes for jobs. Seriously. #######? Again, I would have gotten my ####### kicked. And I would have deserved it.

[Nutty 2]

We don't drive. My husband got lost walking (three short blocks) after being shown numerous times that "this is the bank" and being inside it the week before.

FYI - my neighborhood has numeric/alphabetized streets

I think you have to realize that life in the ME is very slow-paced unless you are from one of the GCC countries like the UAE where there are more foreigners than locals. Luckily my Iranian fiance has had the experience of living and working in Dubai where you have to work considerably more than in Iran. He's told me that in Iran you might be on the clock for 8-9 hours but you really only work for 2-3 of those hours. So it will be quite an adjustment to get used to the faster pace of life in the states and dealing with the American work culture where people work overtime regularly and then don't even necessarily get 2 weeks, let alone a month of vacation time.

And I can sympathize with him getting lost on occasion. It's the same for me. If someone else is driving I don't remember how to get there even if they drive me there 30 times. However, if they let me drive while they tell me where to go I can remember how to get there after a few times. But I can't be counted on not to roadrage.

[anitacastillo 0]

I have to remind myself often - love is patient.

My husband didn't pass the written driver's license test last week (after studying for a long time) and is struggling to find a job. I am grateful he takes care of many things around our home.

Tina -- take it a day at a time. It will get better.

I don't like to be critical -- but I don't think you should have bought such an expensive camera. You need to have savings for emergencies.

[wakeywakeup 1]

This topic is very helpful. I understand every point made. I don't have any advice because I'm in the throws of adjustment also.

When we get in a relationships we have to deal with how differently men and women communicate and see things and compound that with the fact that you're brining two different cultures together.

Hang in there you aren't alone and venting is good on the site. Helps you get perspective before saying something you may regret to your SO.

Just my thoughts.

[Nutty 2]

I did not buy an expensive camera.

I opened an account for my husband and put $1000 in it. After that, it is his money to do with as he pleases.

[Nutty 2]

Speaking of "productivity"...

I had to point out to my husband that when I am at work, I am at work busy working. He seems to think because I am a administrative assistant I do nothing.

I think you have to realize that life in the ME is very slow-paced unless you are from one of the GCC countries like the UAE where there are more foreigners than locals. Luckily my Iranian fiance has had the experience of living and working in Dubai where you have to work considerably more than in Iran. He's told me that in Iran you might be on the clock for 8-9 hours but you really only work for 2-3 of those hours. So it will be quite an adjustment to get used to the faster pace of life in the states and dealing with the American work culture where people work overtime regularly and then don't even necessarily get 2 weeks, let alone a month of vacation time.

And I can sympathize with him getting lost on occasion. It's the same for me. If someone else is driving I don't remember how to get there even if they drive me there 30 times. However, if they let me drive while they tell me where to go I can remember how to get there after a few times. But I can't be counted on not to roadrage.

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

Where in Iran is he from?

[Nutty 2]

Kerman

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

Kerman

My fiance is a little tipsy at the moment but when he sobers up I will see what advice he can give.

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

Apparently it is really common for single Iranian guys to live at home even if they are 40.

So they're used to mommy and daddy doing everything for them. So it appears that your man will need a bit of weening i'm sorry to say. He will need some time to be able to stand on his own two feet.

I'm lucky that mine has been living away from his family for 3 yrs. now. He still can't cook anything but rice though. But he does help with the dishes after I give him the evil eye.

[Nutty 2]

My husband lived 5 years in Marhsharh by himself and 5 years in Tehran when he was at Tehran university. So he is not completely a baby.

But yes, after that he moved back to Kerman to work closer to home.

His mom does stay at home and do all cooking/cleaning. But his father is dead. He is the eldest (at home).

It is my understanding Iranians tend to stay home until marriage because rents are so expensive.

Apparently it is really common for single Iranian guys to live at home even if they are 40.

So they're used to mommy and daddy doing everything for them. So it appears that your man will need a bit of weening i'm sorry to say. He will need some time to be able to stand on his own two feet.

I'm lucky that mine has been living away from his family for 3 yrs. now. He still can't cook anything but rice though. But he does help with the dishes after I give him the evil eye.