Continuation of "it's not been a bed of roses."

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

nutty, sounds like many things are getting to you, but in his defense i want to say, although he has been here for a few months, he may not even have a sense of direction yet. we take those thigns for granted, but i can tell you, It took me months in jordan just to know how to get home from a few stores that were only blocks away..what makes sense to you, may be completely backwards to him...the first year is the hardest, adjusting to eachother and all. Just be patient, and you two will prevail. Remember back to all the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place..It DOES get better, I promise!

[caybee 21]

nutty, sounds like many things are getting to you, but in his defense i want to say, although he has been here for a few months, he may not even have a sense of direction yet. we take those thigns for granted, but i can tell you, It took me months in jordan just to know how to get home from a few stores that were only blocks away..what makes sense to you, may be completely backwards to him...the first year is the hardest, adjusting to eachother and all. Just be patient, and you two will prevail. Remember back to all the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place..It DOES get better, I promise!

I want to second this. The first year is especially stressful, and I don't want to minimize what you're going through, but I know many things that were boringly normal to me were overwhelming to my husband when he first got here. He told me all the houses looked the same. That amazed me -- to me, there's much more variety in the architecture here than there is in his neighborhood (where, to me, everything DID look the same). But his eyes grew up there, accustomed to the architecture there, so everything looked the same here. He wouldn't venture out of the house without me for a good while for fear of getting lost. But now he knows his way around this city much better than I do.

It may be very frustrating for a while, for BOTH of you, but with patience and understanding on both sides, it really will get better.

[Henia 11]

The first year is definately the hardest. Hope it gets better.

Jackie

Tina, Jackie is so so right! Wishing you all the strength in this upcoming year!

[Imua 0]

I've always had many foreign friends. Most recently my Nepali friends have really been wonderful in giving me some light on what it is like to come and assimilate to this country. They are very kind, patient, loving people willing to explain their experiences to me without realizing that they are doing it. For example one friend was telling me about their first few weeks in our country alone. They had no one to help them yet and they stayed in a hotel at first before the semester started. They didn't know how to turn on the shower or the facets. They explained they were just a baby in our country and everything was new to them. The person telling me this was pursuing their PhD in physics and was reduced to feeling like a baby in our modern world. Feeling intimidated with the new surrounds. I observed my foreign friends for many hours and what I saw was that while they may be in new surroundings and even after two years still feel like a baby in our country that they still had a need for their homeland, for their food, for their culture, for the way of life they once knew on terms they understood. This is especially the case if they've never had to live or work anywhere else.

So while we have our American expectations of them to snap too it and be on our time schedule and assimilate much quicker I have come to realize I need to be more kind and even more patient with them and supportive of them. Showing them things when I can. Supporting them every step of the way. Loving and nurturing them as the learn their first steps in our country and take it one step at a time. You wouldn't yell at a baby to take their first steps would you? You would yell at a toddler to stop popping their pants when you're trying to potty train them?

If this advice isn't helping then try to think how you would feel being in their country if you had never been anywhere else before? Would you want to get on the internet and try to reach people at home all day? If you couldn't work yet would you want to listen to your music to feel some comfort while your spouse was busy with the life? In a new country not knowing anyone or anything far away from home would you feel motivated or a little bit of a depression because things aren't exactly the way you thought they would be? Now try reversing your gender and see how you would feel in this situation.

Realize you are doing the best you can and you both are naturally in the developmental place that you should be. That you both love each other and are trying your best to understand one another better.

I have traveled to Nepal for somewhat extended visits (4-6 weeks) and I feel like a baby when I am there - especially when crossing the street I am terrified because there are usually no traffic lights, no crosswalks and everyone is driving so fast - it is hard to get around, haggling to buy something, dealing with different ways of eating, greeting people, even using the toilet - I can't imagine how hard it is to get more settled there, finding a job, etc. I want to think since I know what it's like in Nepal I will understand more what he's going through but I am terrified of the first few months, that he will be simply overwhelmed- I hope that I will be able to help him and give him the assurance in dealing with a totally foreign culture that it sounds like your Nepali friends didn't have but really it's hard to know how each person will react. Until now Govi has only had one part-time job working for a relative so maybe he won't have expectations of the way the work world is in Nepal vs. USA - it will all be new to him anyway. And thank GOD he doesn't need to get a driver's license here in NYC, everything is a subway ride or walk away - I'm a 41 yo USC and have managed so far without one!!!

[maggieNomar 0]

Hope things are going better for you Tina.

[Henia 11]

I've always had many foreign friends. Most recently my Nepali friends have really been wonderful in giving me some light on what it is like to come and assimilate to this country. They are very kind, patient, loving people willing to explain their experiences to me without realizing that they are doing it. For example one friend was telling me about their first few weeks in our country alone. They had no one to help them yet and they stayed in a hotel at first before the semester started. They didn't know how to turn on the shower or the facets. They explained they were just a baby in our country and everything was new to them. The person telling me this was pursuing their PhD in physics and was reduced to feeling like a baby in our modern world. Feeling intimidated with the new surrounds. I observed my foreign friends for many hours and what I saw was that while they may be in new surroundings and even after two years still feel like a baby in our country that they still had a need for their homeland, for their food, for their culture, for the way of life they once knew on terms they understood. This is especially the case if they've never had to live or work anywhere else.

So while we have our American expectations of them to snap too it and be on our time schedule and assimilate much quicker I have come to realize I need to be more kind and even more patient with them and supportive of them. Showing them things when I can. Supporting them every step of the way. Loving and nurturing them as the learn their first steps in our country and take it one step at a time. You wouldn't yell at a baby to take their first steps would you? You would yell at a toddler to stop popping their pants when you're trying to potty train them?

If this advice isn't helping then try to think how you would feel being in their country if you had never been anywhere else before? Would you want to get on the internet and try to reach people at home all day? If you couldn't work yet would you want to listen to your music to feel some comfort while your spouse was busy with the life? In a new country not knowing anyone or anything far away from home would you feel motivated or a little bit of a depression because things aren't exactly the way you thought they would be? Now try reversing your gender and see how you would feel in this situation.

Realize you are doing the best you can and you both are naturally in the developmental place that you should be. That you both love each other and are trying your best to understand one another better.

I have traveled to Nepal for somewhat extended visits (4-6 weeks) and I feel like a baby when I am there - especially when crossing the street I am terrified because there are usually no traffic lights, no crosswalks and everyone is driving so fast - it is hard to get around, haggling to buy something, dealing with different ways of eating, greeting people, even using the toilet - I can't imagine how hard it is to get more settled there, finding a job, etc. I want to think since I know what it's like in Nepal I will understand more what he's going through but I am terrified of the first few months, that he will be simply overwhelmed- I hope that I will be able to help him and give him the assurance in dealing with a totally foreign culture that it sounds like your Nepali friends didn't have but really it's hard to know how each person will react. Until now Govi has only had one part-time job working for a relative so maybe he won't have expectations of the way the work world is in Nepal vs. USA - it will all be new to him anyway. And thank GOD he doesn't need to get a driver's license here in NYC, everything is a subway ride or walk away - I'm a 41 yo USC and have managed so far without one!!!

Off topic, but curious ... how is the trip to Nepal ... from where do you fly? Have to take any trains/buses to get there ... sorry I am not in the "know" about Nepal ... and from what I learned in school it is remote ... ?! Seems like a great adventure thou!

[Imua 0]

I've always had many foreign friends. Most recently my Nepali friends have really been wonderful in giving me some light on what it is like to come and assimilate to this country. They are very kind, patient, loving people willing to explain their experiences to me without realizing that they are doing it. For example one friend was telling me about their first few weeks in our country alone. They had no one to help them yet and they stayed in a hotel at first before the semester started. They didn't know how to turn on the shower or the facets. They explained they were just a baby in our country and everything was new to them. The person telling me this was pursuing their PhD in physics and was reduced to feeling like a baby in our modern world. Feeling intimidated with the new surrounds. I observed my foreign friends for many hours and what I saw was that while they may be in new surroundings and even after two years still feel like a baby in our country that they still had a need for their homeland, for their food, for their culture, for the way of life they once knew on terms they understood. This is especially the case if they've never had to live or work anywhere else.

So while we have our American expectations of them to snap too it and be on our time schedule and assimilate much quicker I have come to realize I need to be more kind and even more patient with them and supportive of them. Showing them things when I can. Supporting them every step of the way. Loving and nurturing them as the learn their first steps in our country and take it one step at a time. You wouldn't yell at a baby to take their first steps would you? You would yell at a toddler to stop popping their pants when you're trying to potty train them?

If this advice isn't helping then try to think how you would feel being in their country if you had never been anywhere else before? Would you want to get on the internet and try to reach people at home all day? If you couldn't work yet would you want to listen to your music to feel some comfort while your spouse was busy with the life? In a new country not knowing anyone or anything far away from home would you feel motivated or a little bit of a depression because things aren't exactly the way you thought they would be? Now try reversing your gender and see how you would feel in this situation.

Realize you are doing the best you can and you both are naturally in the developmental place that you should be. That you both love each other and are trying your best to understand one another better.

I have traveled to Nepal for somewhat extended visits (4-6 weeks) and I feel like a baby when I am there - especially when crossing the street I am terrified because there are usually no traffic lights, no crosswalks and everyone is driving so fast - it is hard to get around, haggling to buy something, dealing with different ways of eating, greeting people, even using the toilet - I can't imagine how hard it is to get more settled there, finding a job, etc. I want to think since I know what it's like in Nepal I will understand more what he's going through but I am terrified of the first few months, that he will be simply overwhelmed- I hope that I will be able to help him and give him the assurance in dealing with a totally foreign culture that it sounds like your Nepali friends didn't have but really it's hard to know how each person will react. Until now Govi has only had one part-time job working for a relative so maybe he won't have expectations of the way the work world is in Nepal vs. USA - it will all be new to him anyway. And thank GOD he doesn't need to get a driver's license here in NYC, everything is a subway ride or walk away - I'm a 41 yo USC and have managed so far without one!!!

Off topic, but curious ... how is the trip to Nepal ... from where do you fly? Have to take any trains/buses to get there ... sorry I am not in the "know" about Nepal ... and from what I learned in school it is remote ... ?! Seems like a great adventure thou!

It's amazing, the flight usually takes anywhere from 20 to 30 hours depending on where your layover is. The quickest way is through Oman or UAE - this last time I flew with Etihad through Abu Dhabi. Some airlines only fly there once a week so the scheduling is tricky. I am hoping next time we can go through Dubai and stay a couple of days because I have heard it's amazing. It's a beautiful flight landing in KTM if the conditions are clear because you go directly over the Himalayas.

[PlatyPius 5]

Jesus. If I had treated Mags like that when she'd only been here 3 weeks or so, she would have kicked my ####### and been on the first plane back to England.

A person really CAN'T assimilate into a new culture in a couple of months, ya know.....

Mags waited a year before she got a job. We could have used the money, but her getting used to the area and the culture was much more important. She still doesn't have a driver's license. It's inconvenient, but it isn't my place to *make* her go get one. Same with submitting her resumes for jobs. Seriously. #######? Again, I would have gotten my ####### kicked. And I would have deserved it.

[morocco4ever 63]

Jesus. If I had treated Mags like that when she'd only been here 3 weeks or so, she would have kicked my ####### and been on the first plane back to England.

A person really CAN'T assimilate into a new culture in a couple of months, ya know.....

Mags waited a year before she got a job. We could have used the money, but her getting used to the area and the culture was much more important. She still doesn't have a driver's license. It's inconvenient, but it isn't my place to *make* her go get one. Same with submitting her resumes for jobs. Seriously. #######? Again, I would have gotten my ####### kicked. And I would have deserved it.

Chill...she is venting with the girls. This is the way we are, we just need to vent when we feel overwhelmed. She loves him very much and it is just as much an adjustment for her as it is for him. Women handle things differently than men.

[PlatyPius 5]

What I was trying to point out - as a guy - is that if she is really saying and doing all of things that she says she is, he's going to be WAY resentful. If I were in his situation and those things were happening/being said to me, I'd either completely go off and have a screaming match, ending me me leaving, or I'd just keep silent and then leave one day. I would NOT put up with that kind of thing.

She may be "just venting", but if she's really saying and doing those things, then it's real - not venting.

[polarbear 0]

Platypus - It's a culture shock for those that come here, and in many instances for the americans waiting for the loved ones.

Both sides are dealing with things, and really I think it's easier for those who have spouses from Europe or countries where things are a little more familiar. My husband is from the ME, but lived in France for 10 yrs and thought it was going to be just like France.... but it is still very different so I'm not saying it's not hard for everyone.

Nutty -

I remember telling my friend that I feel like I have a teenager at home bc he couldn't drive, didn't speak English, very computer illiterate, needed me for everything, and when I got home at the end of the day wanted me to go places with him so he could get out of the house and constantly expecting/asking for things - I felt like I never had a break and I was either at work or expected to be all about him and give him every spare moment I had.... trust me, I got into plenty of fights the first 6 months. I think I was going through culture shock as well and look back on the way I acted and can't believe his was so good to me and understanding Actually, I used to tell myself it was preperation for having children - If I couldn't handle someone needing my time like that then I would never be able to have children

Hang in there and try to cut him some slack. Be understanding and try to talk things out with him instead of fuming about them - work together.

It's only after my husband went back for awhile and came home that we learned to appriciate eachother a little more and communicate better and I feel like I'm on the honeymoon I never had but that may be just because I'm on a school vacation that ends tomorrow, so check in with me next week

[Laura+Tom 2]

What I was trying to point out - as a guy - is that if she is really saying and doing all of things that she says she is, he's going to be WAY resentful. If I were in his situation and those things were happening/being said to me, I'd either completely go off and have a screaming match, ending me me leaving, or I'd just keep silent and then leave one day. I would NOT put up with that kind of thing.

She may be "just venting", but if she's really saying and doing those things, then it's real - not venting.

I agree, if my husband started saying those things to me, ooo I'd be pissed. Especially if it's only been a couple of months. I'd need at least six month to a year to find my feet, feel confident in where I am etc.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I've been reading this thread daily and looking for ways to advise that could possibly make a difference. We've had the opposite experience. My husband had a working resume very soon after arriving on May 1, found job postings online and figured out how to use them without much assistance from me. He went on several interviews, has been working for a month, and is constantly looking for new opportunities for advancement. His conversational english is advanced, but he needs work on vocabulary and writing skills, so we have enrolled him in a well-recommended English program. He has taken well to the inevitable rejections, has adjusted very well to social and cultural differences and seems to be happy and optimistic about the future. Last night, he took me on a "date" with his first paycheck. It was worth the aggrevation.

I think that attitude on the part of both parties has a lot to do with the pace and success of the immigrant's adjustment here. Everyone has their individual strengths and weakness when coming to terms with major changes, and acceptance with guidance from the USC and other willing sources helps build the confidence they need to move forward. My husband is even more highly motivated than I expected, and he did have the advantage of input from Moroccan friends who were already here, and a wife who is very familiar with Moroccan norms. Still, none of that would have been helpful if I freaked out alot or harbored the very wrong expectation that things would proceed very rapidly for him. He is here, with me now, and that is what matters most. I try to keep that in mind for our members who can't WAIT to have this problem rather than the one that makes them wonder if their loved one will ever be here with them.

It is hard for both of you, no denying that. This process requires yeoman's work from each party. We live two lives for quite a while, doing what we have always needed to do to get thru the day AND assisting our spouse to navigate through the maze of a new world. Even as my husband has grown more self-reliant, I still relish times (like now) when I can just kick back and relax because there is no application waiting for my approval, no meal to be prepared, no chauffeur service to be rendered. Whew! I feel your pain, but it is what it is. Raising five kids was harder, this, too, shall pass, and may you both be better for it.

Edited August 24, 2008 by Virtual wife

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

I think you have to realize that life in the ME is very slow-paced unless you are from one of the GCC countries like the UAE where there are more foreigners than locals. Luckily my Iranian fiance has had the experience of living and working in Dubai where you have to work considerably more than in Iran. He's told me that in Iran you might be on the clock for 8-9 hours but you really only work for 2-3 of those hours. So it will be quite an adjustment to get used to the faster pace of life in the states and dealing with the American work culture where people work overtime regularly and then don't even necessarily get 2 weeks, let alone a month of vacation time.

And I can sympathize with him getting lost on occasion. It's the same for me. If someone else is driving I don't remember how to get there even if they drive me there 30 times. However, if they let me drive while they tell me where to go I can remember how to get there after a few times. But I can't be counted on not to roadrage.

Edited August 24, 2008 by Hoomsfuturewife

[JVKn'CVO 11]

This must be so frustrating, I totally understand.

I also stressed how important it was that he work on things there in Morocco, but he figured he would wait to do it when he got here. Well when he got here he realized how he messed up. This is such a fast paced lifestyle here and he doesn't have time to breath, let alone study for tests.

As for the bank, well I kind of sympathize with him. When I am in unfamiliar territory I can't find my way around at all. For some reason North, South, East, and West draw a total blank to me. I seriously believe that some people are born with some areas of life that are difficult in comparison to how other people view it. Could it be like that for him?

I also suspect that he is nervous when it comes to applying for jobs. Some people can dive into new things without a worry, but I have to admit, I would be a little freaked applying for a job in a different country if their language wasn't my first language.

That is definitely how I felt while adjusting. Specially coming from south of the Equator, it was like my compass was completely thrown off, and I got lost a lot. It just takes time to adjust and get the hang of things. You feel awkward and out of place all the time.

I was very nervous when I first started applying for jobs. After 4 months of not being able to work, I was very anxious to go out and start contributing with an income, but there is also the fear of discrimination and prejudice, and of course failing in what is a defining moment in adapting to a new life in another country.

Regarding the driving test, I can tell you that you can read the book while away (I did that), but until you see traffic here and how the streets are set up, you don't get the whole picture.

It took me almost 5 months from arriving to starting to work, and I can assure you that it was hard on me too watching Justin work very hard to support us both and not being able to help out, but he was very supportive and that made all the difference in the world with getting me to a good start here. Be patient, things take time but he needs your support and guidance, and everything will unfold just fine

Good Luck!

Caro