Continuation of "it's not been a bed of roses."

[Nutty 2]

Alright, my husband's social security card did not arrive 3 weeks after his arrival as it should have. But on week 5 we finally got it. Then it took two weeks to mock up a resume. It took two weeks because:

1) We did not have a computer set up at home until August 1.

2) Trying to get specific details of chemical engineering trainings, procedures, work accomplishments from my husband was like pulling teeth

3) I work, dammit, and I am too exhuasted to get back on a computer after being on one for 9+ hours a day.

4) Explaining the reason for a resume and how to "sell yourself" in one was not comprehended by hubby.

Well, anyway, now we have an "ok" resume (not bad, but I am sure it could be better) for about a week and a half. And since that time, it has been me who is posting it on Indeed.com, Engcen.net, engineering.com, monster.com. thinkenergygroup.com, engineering.com, responding to individual adds on Craigs List, etc.

In this time, my husband has decided to focus his attention on the Driver's handbook to do the test for his permit. So all day he is reading the driver's manual and translating words he does not know into persian. This pisses me off! BECAUSE:

1) I sent this book to him in Iran over 10 months ago and he could have done this then.

2) He is not applying for jobs

Today, I went to Oregon Department of Employment and saw a job posting that was tailor made for him. I called him and explained this and detailed it can only be applied for in person and that he should do this TODAY! To which he replied that he 1) First wanted to see the job, 2) He wants to study his drivers manual.

I FLIPPED OUT!!!!!!!!!

Well, he is now going by bus (1 hour) to the Oregon Department of Employment to apply.

I know I am venting....

But it has been so hard.

He has been in our neighborhood for two months. Last week we walked three short blocks from our apartment to Bank of America to open an account for him. Yesterday he calls me at work when my boss is at my desk and says, "dear, where is the bank again." COME ON!!!! GET A CLUE!!!!! It is down the street and you were inside it 5 days ago.

Lastly, after I spent 3 hours cleaning on Sunday, afterwards, we were watching TV and something about Olympic Wrestling came on. I mentioned the story about the Swedish Wrestler (who is Iranian by ethnicity) tossing his bronze medal. My husband called me "negative" and "anti-iranian." All I could do at that point was take a shower (I was sweaty from cleaning) and cry in the shower. I drank two small beers and took an oxycontin and "shut down" mentally. He then tried to make ammends and admitted he was wrong (that Iranian husbands do behave this way sometimes - as if this makes it ok). All I said was, "well your in the USA now and married to an American wife. And American wives don't put up for that ####### Iranian husbands may dish out. I came back to USA, alone, without a job or place or belongings and got a job, set up house for our marriage. Let's see your stay at home sisters-in-law go to some strange city in Iran and do the same. Only for their husbands to come along later and criticize them. Life is too short and if this does not work out, then I am going to run away. Count on it. I can go back to India where I prefer to live and you can stay here or go to Iran. Whatever suits you."

I'm tired!

[Staashi 371]

Alright, my husband's social security card did not arrive 3 weeks after his arrival as it should have. But on week 5 we finally got it. Then it took two weeks to mock up a resume. It took two weeks because:

1) We did not have a computer set up at home until August 1.

2) Trying to get specific details of chemical engineering trainings, procedures, work accomplishments from my husband was like pulling teeth

3) I work, dammit, and I am too exhuasted to get back on a computer after being on one for 9+ hours a day.

4) Explaining the reason for a resume and how to "sell yourself" in one was not comprehended by hubby.

Well, anyway, now we have an "ok" resume (not bad, but I am sure it could be better) for about a week and a half. And since that time, it has been me who is posting it on Indeed.com, Engcen.net, engineering.com, monster.com. thinkenergygroup.com, engineering.com, responding to individual adds on Craigs List, etc.

In this time, my husband has decided to focus his attention on the Driver's handbook to do the test for his permit. So all day he is reading the driver's manual and translating words he does not know into persian. This pisses me off! BECAUSE:

1) I sent this book to him in Iran over 10 months ago and he could have done this then.

2) He is not applying for jobs

Today, I went to Oregon Department of Employment and saw a job posting that was tailor made for him. I called him and explained this and detailed it can only be applied for in person and that he should do this TODAY! To which he replied that he 1) First wanted to see the job, 2) He wants to study his drivers manual.

I FLIPPED OUT!!!!!!!!!

Well, he is now going by bus (1 hour) to the Oregon Department of Employment to apply.

I know I am venting....

But it has been so hard.

He has been in our neighborhood for two months. Last week we walked three short blocks from our apartment to Bank of America to open an account for him. Yesterday he calls me at work when my boss is at my desk and says, "dear, where is the bank again." COME ON!!!! GET A CLUE!!!!! It is down the street and you were inside it 5 days ago.

Lastly, after I spent 3 hours cleaning on Sunday, afterwards, we were watching TV and something about Olympic Wrestling came on. I mentioned the story about the Swedish Wrestler (who is Iranian by ethnicity) tossing his bronze medal. My husband called me "negative" and "anti-iranian." All I could do at that point was take a shower (I was sweaty from cleaning) and cry in the shower. I drank two small beers and took an oxycontin and "shut down" mentally. He then tried to make ammends and admitted he was wrong (that Iranian husbands do behave this way sometimes - as if this makes it ok). All I said was, "well your in the USA now and married to an American wife. And American wives don't put up for that ####### Iranian husbands may dish out. I came back to USA, alone, without a job or place or belongings and got a job, set up house for our marriage. Let's see your stay at home sisters-in-law go to some strange city in Iran and do the same. Only for their husbands to come along later and criticize them. Life is too short and if this does not work out, then I am going to run away. Count on it. I can go back to India where I prefer to live and you can stay here or go to Iran. Whatever suits you."

I'm tired!

(((((((((((((((((((((((Tina)))))))))))))))))))))))) Good luck honey. God bless you.

[HLM 1]

i dont know what to say HUGS to u my sister; i can only pray things get better for u both.

[~~~water~~~ 0]

don't give up it will get better, it just needs time. stop helping him and give him a few months to find his way

[~Jackie~ 30]

The first year is definately the hardest. Hope it gets better.

Jackie

[morocco4ever 63]

This must be so frustrating, I totally understand.

I also stressed how important it was that he work on things there in Morocco, but he figured he would wait to do it when he got here. Well when he got here he realized how he messed up. This is such a fast paced lifestyle here and he doesn't have time to breath, let alone study for tests.

As for the bank, well I kind of sympathize with him. When I am in unfamiliar territory I can't find my way around at all. For some reason North, South, East, and West draw a total blank to me. I seriously believe that some people are born with some areas of life that are difficult in comparison to how other people view it. Could it be like that for him?

I also suspect that he is nervous when it comes to applying for jobs. Some people can dive into new things without a worry, but I have to admit, I would be a little freaked applying for a job in a different country if their language wasn't my first language.

Anyway, I could be way off the mark here, but trying to be the devils advocate. It is a hard life with these men. Lets face it, we take on almost all of the work while they sit. I hope things get easier for you soon.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

The husband and I look back at his first US resume and cringe. It took him a looooong time (think years, not weeks) to come up with his current, near fluent version. It took him dozens upon dozens of drafts to come up with the perfect native speaker sounding cover letter. And I won't even say how long it took him to find a good job. He also isn't too terribly good with directions. We'd drive some place tons of times, but he wouldn't know how to get there on the bus, because he doesn't pay attention when someone else is driving (his words).

Looking back, sure, I freaked out those first few months. But, what good did my freak outs do? Nothing except ellivate my blood pressure and increase the stress. Sure, the melt downs helped me releave some of the pressure inside, but they rarely helped improve anything afterwards.

There are a lot of things immigrants need to accomplish once they get here. Make a list of them. Getting a drivers license is important. Working on a resume is important. Applying for jobs is important. Learning/practicing english is important. Learning how to get around is important. Everything that needs to be accomplished, write it out. Then schedule time for everything. Have some time each day for applying for jobs. Some time for studying for the driver's exam. Some time for english, etc etc etc.

In the end, I remember it's all increadibly overwhelming. Not everything is going to be done perfect, or even well in the first few months.

[belinda63 3,038]

Well seeing as how I will (hopefully) be dealing with this in a few months I hope to see a happy ending for you. I know in Kentucky he will be able to drive for one year with his international license and he should be able to get a kentucky license without having to take the test (I have been told). And he already understands he will not be able to work in his field at first, he is a veterinarian and will have to go back to school probably to practice in the US,

I do understand how frustrating it is, he probably feels overwhelmed and is afraid to ask for help (the macho thing again). He has come from a country where the man is the provider for the family, that is the expectation, and now he is afraid of failure. Better not to try than to fail at it.

Be supportive but firm and explain he must start sharing the burden, how stressed you are and have been, and that he should help in whatever way he can. If he is at home all day why can't he share in the cooking and cleaning?

I have a co-worker who's husband is Brazilian and he had reservations about working here. He did get a job in a retail store and he was terrified his first week but he survived and is doing well now. His english was only good, not great but working with the public has helped it a lot. And most ppl are very understanding of others if they at least make the attempt to speak English.

Both of you need to have a long talk about priorities, expectations, and goals.

Good luck, praying for both of you.

[Tunisia216 2]

Just wanted to say hang in there!!! And keep coming here and to any other friends to vent.. It helps and takes away from some stress at home! I am praying for you and wanting you to know that most of us have been through very similar things!!

I too felt that I was the only one doing the job applications and got really really angry.. But later realized as others have said it was just confusion and fear that left him so unsure...

Take care and day by day, step by step!!!

[amylovespaul 0]

I had some of the same issues and feelings with my husband as well, so I totally feel for you. As much as I wanted to give him time to adjust and try to understand the difference in culture, sometimes I just wanted to choke him...ha ha! And he's from England! He's been here for almost 3 years and he still doesn't have his driver's license or a full time job. It's not all his fault but he really doesn't help much either. We have had some rough times and lots of fights, screaming and crying. But there are so many times that I am laughing and having so much fun with him and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I know every situation is different, but I just want to let you know you are not the only one who goes through this. Seriously, when I read your post I thought "Oh my gosh that sounds like me!" Hang in there, I hope it gets better for you.

Amy

[Tunisia216 2]

I just wanted to add ... I actually got a comment in the beginning to my bellyaching about job applications, resumes, job hunts, etc that was something to the affect of ...

WHAT?? I'm not trying??? If I put half this kind of effort into finding a job in Tunisia, I'd probably be the President of the country now !!!

Honey you are NOT the only one going through it!!!!

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I've always had many foreign friends. Most recently my Nepali friends have really been wonderful in giving me some light on what it is like to come and assimilate to this country. They are very kind, patient, loving people willing to explain their experiences to me without realizing that they are doing it. For example one friend was telling me about their first few weeks in our country alone. They had no one to help them yet and they stayed in a hotel at first before the semester started. They didn't know how to turn on the shower or the facets. They explained they were just a baby in our country and everything was new to them. The person telling me this was pursuing their PhD in physics and was reduced to feeling like a baby in our modern world. Feeling intimidated with the new surrounds. I observed my foreign friends for many hours and what I saw was that while they may be in new surroundings and even after two years still feel like a baby in our country that they still had a need for their homeland, for their food, for their culture, for the way of life they once knew on terms they understood. This is especially the case if they've never had to live or work anywhere else.

So while we have our American expectations of them to snap too it and be on our time schedule and assimilate much quicker I have come to realize I need to be more kind and even more patient with them and supportive of them. Showing them things when I can. Supporting them every step of the way. Loving and nurturing them as the learn their first steps in our country and take it one step at a time. You wouldn't yell at a baby to take their first steps would you? You would yell at a toddler to stop popping their pants when you're trying to potty train them?

If this advice isn't helping then try to think how you would feel being in their country if you had never been anywhere else before? Would you want to get on the internet and try to reach people at home all day? If you couldn't work yet would you want to listen to your music to feel some comfort while your spouse was busy with the life? In a new country not knowing anyone or anything far away from home would you feel motivated or a little bit of a depression because things aren't exactly the way you thought they would be? Now try reversing your gender and see how you would feel in this situation.

Realize you are doing the best you can and you both are naturally in the developmental place that you should be. That you both love each other and are trying your best to understand one another better.

[*Maureen* 0]

Nutty, there will always be some minor bumps along the way, it just takes some time to smooth them out ( just as long as it's not physical or mental abuse!) and to be quite honest, IMO, men can sometimes be just the biggest BABIES!!!lol (sorry to the guys)they can be the ones to get the spider out or open that jar of whatever but when it comes to certain things and handling situations they just completely suck at! lol I think most women handle certain things much better and can get a better grip on things. I sure hope that things will brighten up for you. ( i think we all had to bite our tongues a few times during this...lol) good luck to you.

[Nasturtium 500]

Ohhhhh yeahhhhh the job thing was awful. That was what our main issue was. I got him a job right when he got here but it was only part-time.. so he wanted to look for other jobs yet could not understand the need for a cover letter. That was driving me nuts. The driver's test thing too, was nuts. You will be so amazed how much better it gets once they feel somewhat on their feet again.

[mimiiw 0]

I thought that Olivia gave such good advise here and really explained it so well about how they must feel here - i totally agree.

I remember the utter frustration of trying to decipher a resume for my husband too and how frustrating it was trying to translate from algerian french into english what he had done in his own country -with barriers of the type of work he had done -inhibiting my every way!! (Like division of the army that helped fight terrorism! ) That wasnt easy to put into laymens terms, I can say! And half of the stuff apparently was top secret so he wouldnt/doesnt ever talk to me about it even!

Anyways, I somehow came up with a resume as best as I was able to under the circumstances; I can also tell you, it was always me who would post his resume all over the place, scout out possible job opporftunities etc etc. And at first, over and over and over -it was like he would sabotage himself time and time again -when companies would actually call him on the phone for a possible interview -he would tell them that he would get his wife to call them back!!!

At one point, an airline called him up for a bilingual agent position (thanks to me_ and he told them the same thing!!! An airline job!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I can remember feeling so utterly frustrated and upset when that would happen -i'd tell him, You cant do that here!!! It took him a while to get it. Where he is working now, is again thanks to me -i happened to have seen a sign outside next door to where i work - LABORERS WANTED and the phone number so I called them up -i think i said something like I work next door, and noticed your sign out -and mentioned that my husband is a new immigrant here and its "always difficult getting started for the " The guy was actually sympathetic when I explained even, that he does speak basic english but at times can be hesitant with it-hence the difficulty in finding a job -well long story short -he called him up and said he had spoken to me etc; and set up an interview for him the next day. As it happens, there are 3 men from Africa working there who speak french so apperently he fit right in! lol.

But anyways he got on, at a decent salary-double what new immigrants normally make here to start -and really in my opinion, its aa good clean job that has opportunity for him to learn and grow if he is smart about it.

But getting back to the resume -what actually helped me, I went into the companies internet site and sort of read abou what they do -so i basically took some of their wording in the job descriptions/changed some of their wording to more ordinary grammar so i could add it to his resume -and that sort of helped me; at least put together a not too shabby resume -considering how little information i had to go on; regarding what he did back home.

This resume isnt perfect by far to say the least; but it has resulted in MANY COMPANIES ACTUALLY CALLING HIM UP for interviews (thanks to me again submitting it all over town! ) regardless of whether he took advantage of the opportunity or not.

I also had a friend who works as a secretary in an oil company sort of format it together with niicer looking lines, script etc as i am not so good at that. I could always pm it to you if you were interested in seeing my attempt at translating/updating a new immigrants resume.

But i certainly can relate and feel for you with what you wrote above -it seems as if so many of us have been through/are going thru the same thing with these MENA Men