"You'll make new friends"

[Marilyn. 340]

my whole life I have never made friends easily.. I have had 3 best friends my whole life.. each at a different time in my life.. my last best friend I had for like 10 years but we slowly drifted apart.. now my only friend is my hubby which is great and all but sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend that I could call up and talk to and hang out with etc...

I agree with this...and with RJ actually...my best friend of 25 yrs has gone to India to "find her roots" I guess....since me and hubby moved away from my hometown where we both shared the same friends and lively social life, we pretty much only have each other for company now.....which is great most of the time...we have wild singing parties for two in the garage and dance in the kitchen

But when things aren't so great between us.....I miss a female friend either to commiserate with me over a few bottles of wine or give me a more reasonable perspective on things, friends are good that way.

I think i am too old now to making close friends again.

or when you need a shoulder to cry on.. the hubby's try but it makes them very uncomfortable...

[Gemmie 142]

Plus sometimes I want to talk to a female friend about HIM.

Thanks for the uplift guys and girls.

[rebeccajo 14]

Life changes. Friends come and go. It's natural.

Well, no offense, but had I lived by this motto, I'd have no one.

I think it's important to keep in touch with "old" friends, even if life changes.

Especially if there are no new ones in sight anywhere...

No offense taken.

It's not a motto I've lived 'by'. It's simply my experience based on having lived longer than many of you.

"Life changes" includes the wheel of time. Friendships come and go within that wheel as a natural occurence. Mother Nature sees to our needs during different times in our lives - she gives us someone to throw dirt with in the sandbox; someone to cry about boys with; someone to commisserate with preganancy about; someone at work who feels the same way about company policy that we do. As your life changes, your needs change and your friends needs change. Friendships are no different than anything else within life - they cycle and they change and they influence us. Some bonds are closer than others. Those are the ones worth keeping and surprisingly, you'll find they don't take loads of effort to maintain.

At this point in my life, I've got one true died-in-the-wool friendship which has lasted nearly 30 years. We used to live across the street from each as young wives. Today we see each other rarely - but we love and care about each other no less. The 'click' is there immediately whenever we are together. All of our shared experiences - the births and deaths of children; marital highs and lows; cooking and baking and crafting and shopping together - it's all still there each time we speak. It's like a comfortable bathrobe. It doesn't require that we wash it all the time or fuss over it - it's just there for us and it makes us feel nice.

I had another long term friend that I lost four years ago. Her absence is profound at times. Yet her counsel and her laugh and bright smile are always with me. The Circle of Life is cruel sometimes but it moves onward nonetheless.

And so it goes for me. I've come to learn that, for me at least, it's best to savor the friendships I find along the way as much as I can while they are here. As with most things, the course of life will steer the experience, and if it's meant to be it will happen as naturally as the seasons. If I work too terribly hard at trying to maintain something that has passed its natural shelf life, I might miss the new experience - the new friend and the new wisdom - on the next horizon. The old friend - on the shelf in the bottle who pops back in now and again - I'll keep her and she'll keep me. We've learned which bottles are worth polishing, and which are just naturally now empty but still a wonderful vintage while they lasted.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I don't think it takes a lot of life experience to realise life changes; it's one of the first things we have to grapple with, from birth onwards

however, I really liked the rest of what you said, Rebecca

although I DO believe that while many things are just a natural part of what we're doing at various stages of our lives, and thus out of our direct control, other things are not... we have the choice to keep in contact with people, or not, and some of us are better at doing that than others... sometimes we can realise we're beating our heads against a wall trying to maintain a friendship which had obviously moved on, but other times it can ALMOST slip through our fingers, until we do something to save it, and then its renewed for many more happy years

so I think the original question is definitely worth asking, and answering

[bora bora 1]

Work and extracurricular activities are great places to meet people. Most of my friends here in Florida (because I'm the USC but from NY) are from work, so we have a lot in common seeing as we have the same profession and everything.

My husband's first American friends were my friends, but seeing as most of them are women it was not the same for him. His guy friends are people he has met at work and/or at his jiu jitsu academy.

[rebeccajo 14]

I don't think it takes a lot of life experience to realise life changes; it's one of the first things we have to grapple with, from birth onwards

however, I really liked the rest of what you said, Rebecca

although I DO believe that while many things are just a natural part of what we're doing at various stages of our lives, and thus out of our direct control, other things are not... we have the choice to keep in contact with people, or not, and some of us are better at doing that than others... sometimes we can realise we're beating our heads against a wall trying to maintain a friendship which had obviously moved on, but other times it can ALMOST slip through our fingers, until we do something to save it, and then its renewed for many more happy years

so I think the original question is definitely worth asking, and answering

*shrugs*

It's one thing to realize that life changes. It's quite another to experience those changes. That was one of things I appreciated the most in my friendship with the woman who passed away. She was 16 years older than me. Much of our friendship was built on our age difference, which we found marvelous. I could touch her previous experiences (which she was always willing to share) and apply her hard-earned wisdom to my life. She found my 'youth' refreshing, interesting and stimulating - I think I helped keep her 'moving' when she didn't feel like it.

One of the things I learned from her was to accept that change won't kill me. You speak of choices - it's true we have them. But sometimes we 'choose' to try and manipulate the change around us. We're afraid if things change, we won't be happy or we will loose something we can't do without. I guess the brutal truth is that sometimes we are unhappy for a while and we do suffer loss. That's the 'naturalness' I referenced in my first post. Just like there is a reaction for every action, there is a joy for every sorrow. As life measures itself out, it rarely dispenses more 'bad' to a person than it also dispenses 'good'.

I answered Gemmie with the original brief terse response for a reason and that reason was just to give her a tidbit to think about. That even though friends come and go, that it's natural and normal as our life changes. I've seen her write more than once over nervous misgivings about transitioning her life.

Had I made comments like Gemmie's to my dear friend now departed, I'm pretty certain she would have told me that I'll get over it - if I choose to. That I'll keep the things from my past that are dear to me even if they aren't a living breathing part of my present existence, and that the parts which do remain will be the few strong bricks on which the future will happen. That if I try to dig my heels too deeply in the past, I won't be able to sprint towards the future.

And she'd probably also have said that if the tiny voice inside me is telling me the course I am presently on will take too large a toll on what I hold dear - that perhaps that course should be altered.

*sigh*

There is always a cost in moving forwards. Wise choices are sometimes hard to make. I've never moved around the world and given up all and everyone I know in the name of a new life wth someone I love. So I can't speak personally to that experience. But I can testify to the fact that many of those people you cherish now will, through natural attrition, disappear from your life even if you stay put in the same place. That girl who moves to Japan - those other friends you are so close with right now - most will drift from your life even if you stay put, right where you are, and never move to 'a field' in America to begin a new life.

Edited August 23, 2008 by rebeccajo

[Laura+Tom 2]

It's my one of my biggest worries about moving to the US, that I won't make any friends. I think I'm just going to have to throw myself out there, join a welcome group, a british club (if there is on, I haven't found one yet in Montgomery, AL) or try and get a job as soon as I can.

[Hannah+Vito 0]

as someone who dropped all friends from secondary school and went on to uni ( i'm not hartless, the very few i had i fell out with, long story and teen drama) and went on to make lots of good new friends at a university for art and design, where no one seems to come from the same place or country, the minute we graduated this happened, we all went either back home to where ever, or whatever and we dont have the conveinience of being able to pop to the next room and have a laugh. doesnt mean we no longer have a friendship, it just means we are not in contact every day and it takes more organisation to meet up again. i will hopefully still have friends who will use a visit as an excuss for a holiday. and we will visit them and i will have to make some more new friends again. its life and i've come to accept it.

[Gemmie 142]

I appreciate your words, RJ.

Actually my fiancee tells me the same things... that it's natural for friends to come and go from your life as people go down different paths all the time. He also tells me that if we're truly meant to stay friends, it will happen with little effort. Just picking up the phone now and then for one of our chats will do it.

I do have a few worries about transitioning my life, like work, studying, family, driving, and friends. I'm a little worried that I'll lose contact with what I have now if I don't make the effort; especially seeing as one of my friends has always been a disorganised sieve. I'm usually the one to plan our visits and whatnot, though she does call me regularly. I know I'm going to miss meeting up with people that I care about and going out to dance or having them come over for dinner. I also know that many many people that have gone through the transition miss their friends terribly, especially as they're adjusting, so want to lessen those negative feelings as much as possible. I'm also going to keep studying psychology even if I'm not on a MA course... just because it's something that I love doing over here and don't want to lose.

That's not to say that I'm digging my heels *too* much into the past... I look forward to the new change in my life, and if the little worries were overbearing, I wouldn't do it. We would find some way for him to move to the UK as he's said he's willing to do.

Edited August 24, 2008 by Gemmie

[Nasturtium 500]

I appreciate your words, RJ.

Actually my fiancee tells me the same things... that it's natural for friends to come and go from your life as people go down different paths all the time. He also tells me that if we're truly meant to stay friends, it will happen with little effort. Just picking up the phone now and then for one of our chats will do it.

I do have a few worries about transitioning my life, like work, studying, family, driving, and friends. I'm a little worried that I'll lose contact with what I have now if I don't make the effort; especially seeing as one of my friends has always been a disorganised sieve. I'm usually the one to plan our visits and whatnot, though she does call me regularly. I know I'm going to miss meeting up with people that I care about and going out to dance or having them come over for dinner. I also know that many many people that have gone through the transition miss their friends terribly, especially as they're adjusting, so want to lessen those negative feelings as much as possible. I'm also going to keep studying psychology even if I'm not on a MA course... just because it's something that I love doing over here and don't want to lose.

That's not to say that I'm digging my heels *too* much into the past... I look forward to the new change in my life, and if the little worries were overbearing, I wouldn't do it. We would find some way for him to move to the UK as he's said he's willing to do.

Hi Gemmie! I've moved quite a bit all over the country and my experience is exactly what your fiance described. My close friends are still my close friends, even if we go a year without talking... when we do manage to catch up it is exactly like old times.

[rebeccajo 14]

I appreciate your words, RJ.

Actually my fiancee tells me the same things... that it's natural for friends to come and go from your life as people go down different paths all the time. He also tells me that if we're truly meant to stay friends, it will happen with little effort. Just picking up the phone now and then for one of our chats will do it.

I do have a few worries about transitioning my life, like work, studying, family, driving, and friends. I'm a little worried that I'll lose contact with what I have now if I don't make the effort; especially seeing as one of my friends has always been a disorganised sieve. I'm usually the one to plan our visits and whatnot, though she does call me regularly. I know I'm going to miss meeting up with people that I care about and going out to dance or having them come over for dinner. I also know that many many people that have gone through the transition miss their friends terribly, especially as they're adjusting, so want to lessen those negative feelings as much as possible. I'm also going to keep studying psychology even if I'm not on a MA course... just because it's something that I love doing over here and don't want to lose.

That's not to say that I'm digging my heels *too* much into the past... I look forward to the new change in my life, and if the little worries were overbearing, I wouldn't do it. We would find some way for him to move to the UK as he's said he's willing to do.

I've always said that I can't imagine what it must be like to give it all up and move thousands of miles away. It must be exciting and daunting at the same time. Even though I witnessed what my husband experienced, I can't possibly really understand what has gone on his head and his heart. I think it probably takes about 10% intestinal fortitude and 90% blind faith.

I don't know where you live, Gemmie, but my husband also moved from a bustling city (Londonderry) to a 'concrete field' in the US. My town has a population of around 35,000; there is little in the way of culture; employment opportunities are sparse. I constantly tease him by asking why the hell he moved here. If you are looking for the American Dream, it ain't here.

By contrast, he feels he left many demons behind. He sees his country as bigoted and separated. To date, the Celtic Tiger is not roaring in Northern Ireland although economic conditions are far better than they were during his childhood and adolescent years. Most of his family have passed away - he takes comfort in my family network here. He's a shy man and making friends is not easy for him, although he enjoys his workmates. He is making more money (after three years here) than he ever did back home, and he owns a home for the first time in his life.

We haven't been back to visit since we left the rainy Maiden City nearly three years ago. I think we are going back in March. It's time for a pint and to check in on the family does remain. He says he wonders if it will all look changed - how it will feel. He says this is his home now.

We shall see.

[Gemmie 142]

I'm from Swindon originally, now in Bath.. it's not as busy as London, though in contrast to where my fiancee lives, it's much much more busy. It sounds similar as to what you describe... very few job opportunities (he's been looking for something stable for years and he's living there); in fact very few people, period. At the same time, I have a bigger chance of getting my foot into the housing market over there and living costs are lower. I also feel comforted by his family... my own has been slowly slipping away over the past few years, sadly. I question whether I would be willing to do this if my mother and grandmother were still around.

Good luck on the visit... I also am curious as to how your husband will feel when he goes back... I feel somewhat nostalgic whenever I go to my hometown, and that's only a short train ride away. At the same time though, he's probably grown a lot since the transition, and it might reinforce how proud he is that he made that decision.