Love my H, but separated

[Colada 0]

My H and I are separated, but I love him very much. I only wish that he knows how much I love him and love me equally that he will change for me. Maybe it is wishful thinking. I just think that after the whole immigration process, it would only strengthen the marriage. After all, we all have been through a lot. To me, marriage is for life. People think about divorce too easily. Things are not going well? Let get a divorce. My husband was being abusive, but I still love him. He could be so sweet when he is not being abusive towards me. Sometimes I think "if only I have done this..." I do't know, just want to vent on a lonely night.

[luv2uallday 1]

My H and I are separated, but I love him very much. I only wish that he knows how much I love him and love me equally that he will change for me. Maybe it is wishful thinking. I just think that after the whole immigration process, it would only strengthen the marriage. After all, we all have been through a lot. To me, marriage is for life. People think about divorce too easily. Things are not going well? Let get a divorce. My husband was being abusive, but I still love him. He could be so sweet when he is not being abusive towards me. Sometimes I think "if only I have done this..." I do't know, just want to vent on a lonely night.

I'm gonna be blunt, U r showing signs of an illness, most people who are abused will in one way justify what is happening to them.... U r too dependent on him to the point to see that being with him is hazardous to your health and emotions.... U know most abusers are like that jekle and hyde when they are in control and everything is cool they are as cool as a cat. But, when they lose control of the situation or thing they get angry and use brute force to reinstate that control in any form......... If u really dead set on being with him and working this out.. Then you are gonna have to be responsible... first of all he's gonna have to show some initiative that he wants to change like getting help anger management therepy whatever is he needs to help himself.... He's gotta want to change you cant make him plead him to change it has to be his desire.... U should make that a condition for you to return he's gotta decide what he wants in his life stay the same and being alone and lose you? or change fight his demons show he's changed and have you? But that means you gotta be strong and not give in. Stand your ground.... And whatever choice he decides go from there......... Marriage is for life but it is not a prison. It isn't a trap for you to continually to be abused It isn't an excuse to remain in this situation....... No matter what you do he would of done the same to you... If you only done this excuse is just you trying to blame urself for what he is doing to u.... It's not your fault you are not to blame it is his fault he is to blame.... another symptom of mentality that is shown in abused women.........

Get some help from a group don't just let this hide in your heart good luck and God bless

[sara..... 371]

i feel really bad for what has happened to u but u have to remember that horses never change their spots.........or something like that a man that is an abuser from what i have seen never change they may learn to hide it more or they may become worse and more dangerous ............a lot of women blame them self its all part of the the psychological game they play not very often does the abuse just start with out first programing the victim..........so u urself need to get some help so that u can get back ur life and understand that an unhealthy relationship like that is bad for u.......u an change how u look at what happened to u.......i often think abused wifes or girl friends or husbands or boy friends suffer from sort of the stock Holm syndrome.........anyways i will keep praying for u and hope that ur life gets better

sara

[caybee 21]

My H and I are separated, but I love him very much. I only wish that he knows how much I love him and love me equally that he will change for me. Maybe it is wishful thinking. I just think that after the whole immigration process, it would only strengthen the marriage. After all, we all have been through a lot. To me, marriage is for life. People think about divorce too easily. Things are not going well? Let get a divorce. My husband was being abusive, but I still love him. He could be so sweet when he is not being abusive towards me. Sometimes I think "if only I have done this..." I do't know, just want to vent on a lonely night.

I'm gonna be blunt, U r showing signs of an illness, most people who are abused will in one way justify what is happening to them.... U r too dependent on him to the point to see that being with him is hazardous to your health and emotions.... U know most abusers are like that jekle and hyde when they are in control and everything is cool they are as cool as a cat. But, when they lose control of the situation or thing they get angry and use brute force to reinstate that control in any form......... If u really dead set on being with him and working this out.. Then you are gonna have to be responsible... first of all he's gonna have to show some initiative that he wants to change like getting help anger management therepy whatever is he needs to help himself.... He's gotta want to change you cant make him plead him to change it has to be his desire.... U should make that a condition for you to return he's gotta decide what he wants in his life stay the same and being alone and lose you? or change fight his demons show he's changed and have you? But that means you gotta be strong and not give in. Stand your ground.... And whatever choice he decides go from there......... Marriage is for life but it is not a prison. It isn't a trap for you to continually to be abused It isn't an excuse to remain in this situation....... No matter what you do he would of done the same to you... If you only done this excuse is just you trying to blame urself for what he is doing to u.... It's not your fault you are not to blame it is his fault he is to blame.... another symptom of mentality that is shown in abused women.........

Get some help from a group don't just let this hide in your heart good luck and God bless

This is all so true. Of course he will be wonderful to get you to stay with him and to play the psychological game, to convince you that it's not really all that bad, that you are overreacting. And if you return to him without him taking real steps to change his behavior (this means active therapy for months at least) things will only get worse. This is not a behavior that fixes itself, and there is nothing you could have done to change that, even if you were the "perfect" wife. Think back to an abusive day. What if you had done something differently? Would he have reacted any differently? You know he would not -- he would have found something else in you to blame because his abuse is not about what you do or don't do. It is about his sick need to control another human completely, and he has chosen to control the one he should love above all others. There is no love in abuse. Of course you feel alone, of course you miss him, of course your mind wants to remember the good times, but stay strong. You deserve love and respect from your partner. Do not settle for less than that.

Edited August 21, 2008 by caybee

[merijan 0]

My H and I are separated, but I love him very much. I only wish that he knows how much I love him and love me equally that he will change for me. Maybe it is wishful thinking. I just think that after the whole immigration process, it would only strengthen the marriage. After all, we all have been through a lot. To me, marriage is for life. People think about divorce too easily. Things are not going well? Let get a divorce. My husband was being abusive, but I still love him. He could be so sweet when he is not being abusive towards me. Sometimes I think "if only I have done this..." I do't know, just want to vent on a lonely night.

I have to tell you something about what your going through , and I am speaking from experience. I lived with abuse for 10 years , and I had three kids with my ex. And there are certain traits all abusers have , they go up and down like a rollar coster. One day they are the best of men, the next they are back to their old ways. Mental , physical its all the same. And eventually they chip away at your self confidence, your self esteem, your whole entire being. Then you are always feeling guilty as if you are the cause, questioning yourself and what you could have done better. You will never suceed. It will never be enough. And they also love to play on your true faults the ones you know you have , and the ones that would be part of a normal marriage . So then you begin to beleive that because those are true then all is true. Nothing and I mean nothing you do will help. The only thing, the only way is if he chooses to get help on his own. And thats a big thing. it takes time and if he wants to admit it and change then and only then you could have a chance. I would never tell a wife to end her marriage, I dont believe in easy divorce. However abuse is not acceptable and it will never be productive. If you dont have children yet , it better to go now. Its much more difficult with kids in the picture. This is not an attempt to get you to make any choice, because in the end if you dont make the step within yourself its never going to change, you will keep taking him back he will continue with the abuse and it soon will be your fault for accepthing that abuse. I hope you will make the right choices.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

girl you need to dump that zero and get yourself a hero!

go to expatforums.com and PM Hematoma. He's a catch.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

sorry, wrong url - go to expatgroups.com

[Yiyi and Chris 0]

I understand you love him but I think a couple of Al Anon sessions will help you!!! I am so sorry for what you are going thru

[brnidokiegurl 0]

i feel really bad for what has happened to u but u have to remember that horses never change their spots.........or something like that a man that is an abuser from what i have seen never change they may learn to hide it more or they may become worse and more dangerous ............a lot of women blame them self its all part of the the psychological game they play not very often does the abuse just start with out first programing the victim..........so u urself need to get some help so that u can get back ur life and understand that an unhealthy relationship like that is bad for u.......u an change how u look at what happened to u.......i often think abused wifes or girl friends or husbands or boy friends suffer from sort of the stock Holm syndrome.........anyways i will keep praying for u and hope that ur life gets better

sara

leopards dont chg spots, nor do people usually, dont blame yourself.....things happen no matter how hard we try

[frostysoftyeaton 6]

i feel really bad for what has happened to u but u have to remember that horses never change their spots.........or something like that a man that is an abuser from what i have seen never change they may learn to hide it more or they may become worse and more dangerous ............a lot of women blame them self its all part of the the psychological game they play not very often does the abuse just start with out first programing the victim..........so u urself need to get some help so that u can get back ur life and understand that an unhealthy relationship like that is bad for u.......u an change how u look at what happened to u.......i often think abused wifes or girl friends or husbands or boy friends suffer from sort of the stock Holm syndrome.........anyways i will keep praying for u and hope that ur life gets better

sara

actually it is a leopard that does not change his spots but coming from a mans view run girl there are better men out there

[Nasturtium 500]

Yes! You should get out. Abuse often escalates. You don't want to be around for that.

girl you need to dump that zero and get yourself a hero!

go to expatforums.com and PM Hematoma. He's a catch.

Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match!