Early removal of conditions

[Magnolia31 0]

Gosh, I haven't posted on VJ in forever but I'm back again with a question!

How does one do an early removal of conditions? Under what circumstances can this be done?

I received my GC in July of last year. My husband went to Iraq in August of last year. He has been back since May and he is a stranger to me. He is withdrawn, anti-social and is just plain old cold and unemotional. Since he's been back, he does nothing but watch TV until 5am, read books, etc. It's gotten so bad that he now sleeps on the couch. We have a now 4 month old baby and he pays no attention to her. I have tried talking to him to get him to realize there is a problem but he flies into a rage - then I get accused of being emotional and he ignores me for 1-2 weeks. I can NOT go on like this! I'm getting physically ill from this and I just feel nothing will change. My children are suffering and I wanna get out of this marriage.

I thought about going back to Germany. However, he will not sign the paperwork granting permission for my daughter's passport and there is no way I'm leaving her behind! I guess I am stuck here. So now I am looking into getting the early removal of conditions but have no clue where or how to find out about the proper steps I need to take.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[*JG* 2]

Have you considered he may have some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder and may need some help in dealing with what he may have seen and/or done in Iraq? Sounds like he may need some help. And, then, it sounds like you guys may need some marriage counseling as well.

You cannot remove conditions early or on your own without a divorce decree. First stop would be to divorce. There is no quick fix in that.

[rebelheart 0]

How does one do an early removal of conditions? In your case, I don't think you gonna have an EARLY removal of condition.

Under what circumstances can this be done? Early Removal?? Someone could correct me if I'm wrong. Your husband is not in deployment at this very moment anymore, he is with you at home. Your in K1 process, you have 2 yrs. TEMPORARY Greencard that you need to remove the condition in 90 days of your 2nd yr. TEMPORARY GC and with JOINT REMOVAL, means your filing I-751 together with your husband. You needs his support to get all necessary documents requirement to file the removal of condition. If you received your GC july 2007, you will file to remove the conditions somewhere in April 2009.

Goodluck

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Like jomo's girl said ---you can only file before the 90 day time frame if you are divorced. Otherwise, you need to wait until the 90 days before your conditional GC expires to file with your husband.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

It sounds very much like your husband is suffering Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome - he has probably had to see and do things that have shocked him to the very core of his being and life no longer has much meaning for him. This isn't personal for you or your daughter - he is feeling betrayed by the world at large and questioning the meaning of life itself. He needs psychological help. This is one of those 'for worse' times in a marriage where you really will need to shoulder the burden for the three of you until he can heal. See if you can talk with his commanding officer and arrange for him to get some treatment. He definitely isn't the man you married right now - and I bet you he would love to have that man back himself. You just happen to be the convenient scapegoat for his rage and anger because you are there, but he needs help - and so do you. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this all on your own. Contact the base, call around, find somewhere you can get him help and you can get help as well. Whether the marriage survives or not, you need to do this for all of you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

[Magnolia31 0]

Yes, I have considered that he needs counseling. I brought that up ... as well as marriage counseling. However, there is only so much a person can take - especially from a person who won't acknowledge that the other person is unhappy and not willing to fix it. I'm also tired of being controlled. I haven't been able to have a freaking life since he's been back. I'm not allowed to work or do anything. This is sick. he is a very narcissistic person and it's quite scary.

My 7-year-old is now afraid of him and my 4-month-old is just ignored by him 24/7.

Post-traumatic stress or not, I'm not willing to stay with someone who won't commit to "trying" to make a change. I'm sick of sleeping alone, sick of raising my kids alone, sick of everything being done alone.

Gosh, I haven't posted on VJ in forever but I'm back again with a question!

How does one do an early removal of conditions? Under what circumstances can this be done?

I received my GC in July of last year. My husband went to Iraq in August of last year. He has been back since May and he is a stranger to me. He is withdrawn, anti-social and is just plain old cold and unemotional. Since he's been back, he does nothing but watch TV until 5am, read books, etc. It's gotten so bad that he now sleeps on the couch. We have a now 4 month old baby and he pays no attention to her. I have tried talking to him to get him to realize there is a problem but he flies into a rage - then I get accused of being emotional and he ignores me for 1-2 weeks. I can NOT go on like this! I'm getting physically ill from this and I just feel nothing will change. My children are suffering and I wanna get out of this marriage.

I thought about going back to Germany. However, he will not sign the paperwork granting permission for my daughter's passport and there is no way I'm leaving her behind! I guess I am stuck here. So now I am looking into getting the early removal of conditions but have no clue where or how to find out about the proper steps I need to take.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Magnolia31 0]

Well, I have tried all that I can for the past 2 1/2 months. My concern is my kids. I haven't gotten into ALL details - the disturbing ones, but my gut feeling tells me that we need to get away from him. I also can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I do not believe in leaving a person when they are down - hell, he didn't leave me in my year of depression, but the difference is that I got myself some help - he refuses.

I really don't know what to do ... I'm clueless.

I can't contact anyone at any base. He was in the reserves and since he is now back, he has been released from his unit in Massachusetts. He's not assigned to any unit at the moment.

Until I can figure out what the heck to do with all this, I'm just gonna go see a counselor for myself. Maybe they can teach me how to deal with this. If worse comes to worse, I will just have to file for divorce and hope for the best. I didn't know that you have to be divorced in order to file for early removal.

Anyhow, thanks.

Like jomo's girl said ---you can only file before the 90 day time frame if you are divorced. Otherwise, you need to wait until the 90 days before your conditional GC expires to file with your husband.

[cherr1980 1]

Yes, I have considered that he needs counseling. I brought that up ... as well as marriage counseling. However, there is only so much a person can take - especially from a person who won't acknowledge that the other person is unhappy and not willing to fix it. I'm also tired of being controlled. I haven't been able to have a freaking life since he's been back. I'm not allowed to work or do anything. This is sick. he is a very narcissistic person and it's quite scary.

My 7-year-old is now afraid of him and my 4-month-old is just ignored by him 24/7.

Post-traumatic stress or not, I'm not willing to stay with someone who won't commit to "trying" to make a change. I'm sick of sleeping alone, sick of raising my kids alone, sick of everything being done alone.

Gosh, I haven't posted on VJ in forever but I'm back again with a question!

How does one do an early removal of conditions? Under what circumstances can this be done?

I received my GC in July of last year. My husband went to Iraq in August of last year. He has been back since May and he is a stranger to me. He is withdrawn, anti-social and is just plain old cold and unemotional. Since he's been back, he does nothing but watch TV until 5am, read books, etc. It's gotten so bad that he now sleeps on the couch. We have a now 4 month old baby and he pays no attention to her. I have tried talking to him to get him to realize there is a problem but he flies into a rage - then I get accused of being emotional and he ignores me for 1-2 weeks. I can NOT go on like this! I'm getting physically ill from this and I just feel nothing will change. My children are suffering and I wanna get out of this marriage.

I thought about going back to Germany. However, he will not sign the paperwork granting permission for my daughter's passport and there is no way I'm leaving her behind! I guess I am stuck here. So now I am looking into getting the early removal of conditions but have no clue where or how to find out about the proper steps I need to take.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Have you consider speak to the Family Readiness Group or the chaplan assigned to his unit? All of those are services to you, the soldier and family members of him. The Family Readiness Group is a great help (hopefully you have a good one, I volunteered for two years), they can help you to contact several areas that may help you. You can call Military One Source, at least to speak with somebody over the phone. from them they can advice you to go to different type of counseling free of service, the army pay for it, you dont have to do anything. Trust me it works as long you push for it. I did that on my first try of counseling it did not work but I did my try!. Even he does not want to go to counseling or seek psychological help you will need to go too. You can go first. Go to the chaplan (even you are not a believer or whatever), speak with his commander...they NEED to know that he NEEDS HELP. Most of the time, if the soldier is in a good unit (by luck) they MAKE THEM to got counseling...like it or not. My ex went to Desert Storm (before I met him) and he told me he had to go to counseling after that. Remember, that to seek for help won't come from him because he is too deep within himself, he is not listen to you or seeing himself as a sick person.

Have you spoke with other people at his unit? like other soldier's wives perhaps??? there are forums over the internet about army/soldier wives...they are great help too.

You DO NOT HAVE TO DEAL with his alone. You are not alone first of all. You just need to find the help that you need, after you try all those routes and you still find yourself in a dead end...then you can make other decisions. By the way, you do need to speak with your family and somebody at his unit. For me his behavior can turn violent and especially the issue that he won't signed so your daughter is free to leave the country worries me. Remember, keep an open communication with several people around him is the best way to prevent accidents. Keep the faith!

Good luck!

[Chica Yeyé 41]

This might sound blunt, but I call it as I see it, so no offense intended. People with any type of mental illness (as PTSD is) are not selfish pricks --- they are sick individuals, just like people with diabetes. We would not be so quick to judge if he had cancer now, would we In recovery from mental illness, the role of the family is crucial - have you contacted the Veteran's hospital in your area to ask about services?

I don't think he is not willing to change; and I can bet he feels like ####### most of the time. You say he is not the same and I believe you: and I am pretty sure he knows he is not the same as well.

Best of luck to you.

[*JG* 2]

Magnolia....."trying" to make a change would mean he has to face some of his demons. Demons, I can't even imagine. I feel for him.

I also feel for you. I had that very why are you ignoring me conversation with my husband last night after I could not take it anymore. It was not pretty. Turns out, it was his dealing with issues not really involving me and trying to protect me from said issues.

You guys have come a long way to where you are now. I hope you at least try to work it out....both of you.

[mnieto 2]

Magnolia, that's an awful situation....even though I can totally relate to you being tired of the situation, I agree with Len_and_Bren.

I don't even want to imagine the things your hubby has seen in Iraq.

I guess a normal human mind simply cannot absorb the atrocities that are going on in a war-region, that's why people change so much once they are back to the life they had before. How is a normal person supposed to switch back to the happy-mode once back home, after being in fear and stress for such a long time?

Maybe he had high hopes regarding his arrival back home, maybe he was hoping to get his regular life back.Because it didn't happen right away, he has now ended up disappointed, with a feeling of hopelessness and just feeling like a looser.

As long as you don't fear for your own and your kid's safety around him and as long as he's not violent, don't let him down now!

He needs your help and support right now. Not only should you try to hang in there because you are his wife and knew that you married a soldier and knew what these guys are being put through, but also because nobody should be let down when the sh%it hits the fan in rough times.

If there is any ray of hope left on your side, try to stay patient until he picks up some courage and allows you and others to help him out of his numbness.

Edited August 19, 2008 by mnieto