Spotlight on Egypt's marriage crisis

[Tunisia216 2]

Source : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7554892.stm

Abdelaal's story started as an online log - now she's working on a sitcom

By Magdi Abdelhadi

BBC News, Cairo

Ghada Abdelaal with her book Ayza-Tgawwiz

Abdelaal's story started as an online log - now she's working on a sitcom

"I want to get married" is a perfectly normal thing to say for a young Egyptian man. But when a girl says it in such a conservative society - let alone writes a book with that title - she is making a political statement.

"Girls are not supposed to be actively seeking something, a girl simply exists for someone to marry or divorce her," says the author of the top-selling book, Ghada Abdelaal. "To say she wants something is seen as impolite."

The book started as a blog, before it was spotted by an Egyptian publisher and printed as a series of comic sketches in which flawed and failed suitors came knocking at her parents' door.

A paranoid policeman, a hirsute fundamentalist, a pathological liar and other hilarious caricatures are portrayed in sparkling Egyptian vernacular.

Marriage anxiety

The veiled, softly-spoken Abdelaal is a sharp and witty observer of social incongruity in Egypt, a feisty spirit trying to tear up stifling tradition.

She says her target is not Egyptian men but a tradition known as "gawwaz el-salonat" (living room marriage), where a stranger is brought to the family home and the daughter must decide whether to marry him on the basis of this brief encounter.

"People who go for a picnic need to know each other a little longer than that - let alone make a lifelong commitment," Abdelaal says.

The book's popularity - it is in its third print run with a sitcom in the offing - reflects a widespread anxiety in Egyptian society. More and more young people cannot afford to get married.

Although the book focuses on finding Mr Right, she acknowledges finding an affordable flat remains an almost insurmountable obstacle. Many young people stay engaged for years before they can save up enough money.

"By the time they actually get to live together, they are already tired of each other," says women's rights activist Nihad Abou El Qoumsan. This causes the unusually high rate of divorce among the newlyweds in Egypt, she says.

Such is the impact of property prices on the marriage crisis, a popular talk show has invited engaged couples to join a draw to win a flat.

A new apartment will be given away by a wealthy businessman every day of the fasting and holiday month of Ramadan, in September. Huge numbers have registered.

Sexual frustration

Some describe it as a social time bomb. Religious customs mean there is no sex before marriage. So how do young people react to this situation?

Sociologist Madeeha al-Safty of the American University in Cairo believes one consequence is sexual harassment of women and rape reaching unprecedented levels in Egypt.

"If you are frustrated, there is the possibility that you take it out [through] violence.

"Some people choose the safer way in moving towards a more religious attitude - not necessarily extremism, but it might reach the point of extremism," she adds.

But anthropologist Hania Sholkamy hesitates to link the problems of sexual harassment and rape to the marriage crisis.

"I don't think people who harass women on the street are necessarily single, or necessarily sexually frustrated. There are many millions of people who are extremely frustrated, but they do not harass women.

"I think the issue is one of violence and gender disparities, pure and simple."

Gender disparity is a theme running throughout Abdelaal's book, from the provocative title questioning the women's passive role in a traditional society to the way children are brought up.

"They ask young girls here when they are three or four, who would you marry… they implant the idea your only purpose in life is to get married.

"Even after she goes to school they tell her that a girl's only future is in her husband's home. So what happens when a girl for any reason cannot get married. Should she set fire to herself?"

[Henia 11]

This is a problem all over MENA (actually in other places like India too) ... Only way to solve is overcoming the cultural traditions - which is very hard!

[Nothing1234 2]

Bull Hockey

Anyway...yes, livingroom (couch) marriages still happen in farm country but in Cairo and Alex...girls are out and about picking and choosing a hubby and many openly discuss it. The sad part is .. most of the young men you will talk to feel they are out for money...(not much different than here I tell them! LOL) If you can't afford a flat or to furnish it the girls will not even take a second look.

[Aymsgirl 0]

Interesting....

I was aware of this though, thanks for sharing.

[Nothing1234 2]

Bull Hockey

Anyway...yes, livingroom (couch) marriages still happen in farm country but in Cairo and Alex...girls are out and about picking and choosing a hubby and many openly discuss it. The sad part is .. most of the young men you will talk to feel they are out for money...(not much different than here I tell them! LOL) If you can't afford a flat or to furnish it the girls will not even take a second look.

BTW Haboobi...bull hockey to the story not you~ HAHA (well...hmmm)

[polarbear 0]

Bull Hockey

Anyway...yes, livingroom (couch) marriages still happen in farm country but in Cairo and Alex...girls are out and about picking and choosing a hubby and many openly discuss it. The sad part is .. most of the young men you will talk to feel they are out for money...(not much different than here I tell them! LOL) If you can't afford a flat or to furnish it the girls will not even take a second look.

Would you really want to live with your mother-in-law if your husband couldn't aford a flat?

Think of the culture of respecting your elders, ect... I have a friend in that situation right now and she's pregnant - it's really not a pretty picture and the husband tends to side with the MIL more when she is in his face all the time.

Love is great and all, but with gender rolls the way they are I'm sure many of the girls look at it as self-preservation.

I was under the impression though that it was the girl's (or at least her family's) responsibility to provide everything for inside the home, but maby it's only for rural egypt where my husband is from.

[Tunisia216 2]

I agree.... I think it's a problem that just kind of goes down hill...

In one way the girls feel like they can't "chose the person they really love" because their family might push them to pick a man that can afford these things...

But in another way some girls are taking it in their own hands trying to find a man that they feel attracted to or in love with that also can afford the flat, furniture, etc... which leads to the men feeling like the girls won't talk to them unless they are well off and can afford all the necessary items for marriage...

And then the sad issue of the man and woman who are in love but can not afford the things that would make her family agree to the marriage... Spending years and years waiting for him to save and hoping her family doesn't 'pick' someone else before that day comes.

It definitely goes on all over MENA ( but probably in the US as well, like you said Nawal, some women going after men that have money)

But I know in Tunisia, it's not uncommon to see a 18-20 year old girl engaged and or married to a man over 45 ... And a lot of younger Tunisian men feel slighted.... Many of the girls they 'date' or know from school and may have feelings for are entirely unreachable to them because they won't have enough money to marry until they are 35 or older (unless they come from a very wealthy family).. And the thought of not being able to marry until after 35 and spending 10 years doing nothing but working and hoping for an engagement that may or may not come seems hopeless....

So much factors into it though- Not just cultural differences but also economic differences.. Less women working and having money to contribute to a relationship/engagement/marriage and fewer high paying jobs for the MENA men... I definitely think it's not just an "Egyptian" problem...

Bull Hockey

Anyway...yes, livingroom (couch) marriages still happen in farm country but in Cairo and Alex...girls are out and about picking and choosing a hubby and many openly discuss it. The sad part is .. most of the young men you will talk to feel they are out for money...(not much different than here I tell them! LOL) If you can't afford a flat or to furnish it the girls will not even take a second look.

[Nothing1234 2]

Bull Hockey

Anyway...yes, livingroom (couch) marriages still happen in farm country but in Cairo and Alex...girls are out and about picking and choosing a hubby and many openly discuss it. The sad part is .. most of the young men you will talk to feel they are out for money...(not much different than here I tell them! LOL) If you can't afford a flat or to furnish it the girls will not even take a second look.

Would you really want to live with your mother-in-law if your husband couldn't aford a flat?

Think of the culture of respecting your elders, ect... I have a friend in that situation right now and she's pregnant - it's really not a pretty picture and the husband tends to side with the MIL more when she is in his face all the time.

Love is great and all, but with gender rolls the way they are I'm sure many of the girls look at it as self-preservation.

I was under the impression though that it was the girl's (or at least her family's) responsibility to provide everything for inside the home, but maby it's only for rural egypt where my husband is from.

The man should have a flat and it should be furnished and also offer money to the family. Thats how its always worked in our family and within my husbands with the girls.

As for living with your mother-in-law...I'd love too! Of course in a bigger home!

[Tunisia216 2]

I knew what you meant

BTW Haboobi...bull hockey to the story not you~ HAHA (well...hmmm)

[Tunisia216 2]

It's mostly the same in Tunisia.... I say mostly because in general the man would provide the flat or the home and be expected to have that before the marriage, so right after the marriage/honeymoon they would go right to the new home ... He's expected to put most of the furniture in it, but other pieces would come from marriage gifts.

Although I've seen in some situations, the men who are less well off (poor) and the girls are poor as well and the family didn't find someone wealthy or were more modern and agreed to allow two who were in love to marry... The girl moves in with her husband's family and lives in his home... Which as you said could be great if all involved got along (mainly wife and Mother in law) but could also be a disaster... I know that Jihed's cousin married and his wife was living with him and his widower mother and after the birth of their first son she started pressing her husband to get their own place and get her out - They were not getting along at all and a lot of fighting was going on between the wife and MIL about how the child would be raised.

The man should have a flat and it should be furnished and also offer money to the family. Thats how its always worked in our family and within my husbands with the girls.

As for living with your mother-in-law...I'd love too! Of course in a bigger home!

[Nothing1234 2]

It's mostly the same in Tunisia.... I say mostly because in general the man would provide the flat or the home and be expected to have that before the marriage, so right after the marriage/honeymoon they would go right to the new home ... He's expected to put most of the furniture in it, but other pieces would come from marriage gifts.

Although I've seen in some situations, the men who are less well off (poor) and the girls are poor as well and the family didn't find someone wealthy or were more modern and agreed to allow two who were in love to marry... The girl moves in with her husband's family and lives in his home... Which as you said could be great if all involved got along (mainly wife and Mother in law) but could also be a disaster... I know that Jihed's cousin married and his wife was living with him and his widower mother and after the birth of their first son she started pressing her husband to get their own place and get her out - They were not getting along at all and a lot of fighting was going on between the wife and MIL about how the child would be raised.

The man should have a flat and it should be furnished and also offer money to the family. Thats how its always worked in our family and within my husbands with the girls.

As for living with your mother-in-law...I'd love too! Of course in a bigger home!

I can't wait till my MIL arrives...isA. I want her help...also the reason for the bigger home now. Yalla Momma hurry up!

[polarbear 0]

Bull Hockey

Anyway...yes, livingroom (couch) marriages still happen in farm country but in Cairo and Alex...girls are out and about picking and choosing a hubby and many openly discuss it. The sad part is .. most of the young men you will talk to feel they are out for money...(not much different than here I tell them! LOL) If you can't afford a flat or to furnish it the girls will not even take a second look.

Would you really want to live with your mother-in-law if your husband couldn't aford a flat?

Think of the culture of respecting your elders, ect... I have a friend in that situation right now and she's pregnant - it's really not a pretty picture and the husband tends to side with the MIL more when she is in his face all the time.

Love is great and all, but with gender rolls the way they are I'm sure many of the girls look at it as self-preservation.

I was under the impression though that it was the girl's (or at least her family's) responsibility to provide everything for inside the home, but maby it's only for rural egypt where my husband is from.

The man should have a flat and it should be furnished and also offer money to the family. Thats how its always worked in our family and within my husbands with the girls.

As for living with your mother-in-law...I'd love too! Of course in a bigger home!

Yeah, I think it's different where my husband is from.

You literally build an apartment or home from the ground up or purchase one - there is no renting. This is so expensive (the steel, concrete, wood, work, ect) that the men still are not able to marry until at least 35. They women still get the Mahr, but it eases the burden a little on the men. My husband's brothers did this and the wife provided everything for the inside or it would have been another 10-15 years before marriage and enough money saved for the appliances, furiture, ect... I don't think those poor farmers would ever be able to marry if they had to provided everything and then pay additional money to the family.

My husband had an apartment, but it was taken by the government (apparently someone important passed by and decided they wanted the entire building) and he was kicked out without recompensation. Was told it was a gift to you know who So now he's embaressed to even take me home bc he cannot provide me with a seperate roof from my mother-in-law.

[sara..... 371]

oppps this story really hits home for me.......many of u know that i opted to find my own husband thru the muslim matrimonial site..........i did not want my family making the choice of my husband and i sure did not want to marry a cousin or someone based on what someone else felt was better for me.........i managed to gain permission first cuz i have a great mom second because i kept my family involved but not to the extent that they made the choice for me they only helped me weed out the freaks and there as a lot of them lol.........im really glad to see that other girls also have courage todo something about their own future........ because of what i have done all my other sisters will also have the chance to be proactive in finding their own husband.......

[Tunisia216 2]

I can't wait for you either!! I think it will be so great, the help for you and the time spent with Zain and Nour

...But you were blessed and gifted with a really sweet mother in law

Not everyone is that lucky... For instance, I'd rather stab my eyes out with rusty nails before having to live with my ex husband's mother!!

I can't wait till my MIL arrives...isA. I want her help...also the reason for the bigger home now. Yalla Momma hurry up!

[Imua 0]

Bull Hockey

Anyway...yes, livingroom (couch) marriages still happen in farm country but in Cairo and Alex...girls are out and about picking and choosing a hubby and many openly discuss it. The sad part is .. most of the young men you will talk to feel they are out for money...(not much different than here I tell them! LOL) If you can't afford a flat or to furnish it the girls will not even take a second look.

Hmm, whenever I hear this I can't help but think the truth must be 'the (pretty) girls won't take a look' - maybe the guys' standards are set too high? A lot of women (ahem) aren't golddiggers and will even be willing to have a difficult living situation while money is tight but maybe the guys shouldln't only pick women who put 5 hours a day into their appearance and then expect a return on their investment....

At least this is what I think when American guys say this, dunno how much this applies to MENA.