Adjustment phase

[humblyblessed 0]

Hello Everyone,

Is anyone willing to share their experience's about the adjustment phase of having their spouse finally in the US?

Any problems with face to face communicating, food, major differences, job issues etc......

God willing soon my husband will be coming home and we get along so wonderfully, communication is good, and everything is so right, we have no complaints. But it would be nice to hear from those who actually have their spouses here to share some of what the adjustment has honestly been like.

It would seem like once the excitement of getting through the immigration process and the homecoming part is done, is when reality really begins to set in.

[joej 0]

There was a similar discussion on here a while back. I tried archiving, but can't find it. Anyway, the adjustment is huge for both people and it is often overwhelming. I think the first few months are the hardest. Keeping your spouse busy can help tremendously, while waiting for the ss number and work authorization. Things like community ed classes, driving classes, or whatever they like is helpfull.

[onwa 6]

LIke JoeJ said--it won't be all roses--but it won't be all bad either. Everybody has a similar but unique story to tell. One of our major problems has been food. There is no African community here in Hawaii and no African food stores or restaurants--so if you live anywhere near a big city that's not Hawaii---you should be fine. Have lots of patience, love, and don't be afraid to set your own boundaries as you start your life together. If you are a church person, try and get him involved right away--IT also helped me to read some people's stories here on Visajourney to realize just how hard it is to for some to leave one's country--how hard it can be to find a job, and just how hard the first year of marraige is for anyone. Its good to realize you are not alone in the struggles you will face. And for me--some things are alot harder then I imagined them to be--and some things are 100 time better. If you have any preconceived ideas about how things are gong to be--I'd probably throw those out the window and grow into the life you will share once he's here.

[humblyblessed 0]

Thank you Joej & Onwa!

I absolutely agree that adjusting is not going to be easy, but it's what you make of it and how you consider the feelings of eachother.

Onwa, i'm in a similar boat as you, where i live there is no African stores or restaurants. The closest city is about 45 minutes to 1 hour away, so i'm sure hubby and i will be travelling there to get some of the food he likes sometimes. I don't know how to cook African food, (yet) but i like some of the local dishes.......i'm just a picky eater, so it's going to be an adventure!

Thank you for your honesty, it's good to know you put it out there just the way it is........i respect that and appreciate that alot!

[mandolinv 0]

As long as you are both prepared that there will be issues and some rough times and that you are willing to work through them you should be fine. I love my husband to death, but the first few months were rough. We had some communication/language/ussage issues. We also had some cultural issues (choices, food, etc..) but we knew that we wanted to work through these no mater what and we kept at it and worked through them and knew that they were side issues about living together and not about our love and commitment for each other. All I can say is keep communicating (and this will likely be you initiating most of the "conversations" which was hard for me, but otherwise they never would have happened). As time goes on and you adjust to each other things will ge easier and better and better. Good luck.

[humblyblessed 0]

Thanks Mandolinv!

This whole process has been grueling, and trying. But, we've made it this far by the Grace of God. It wasn't always easy and still isn't by no means......but, our love, commitment to God and eachother, trust, much understanding (wow! it takes alot), and good communication has proven to be a good foundation in our marriage and in preparing us for whats ahead.

I do appreciate all the responses, and i'm sure others do as well, thank you.

[idocare 3]

My little advice would be for you to expect the unexpected, all the talking you all shared on the phone and the times or time you went to visit him may not be similiar to the man your about to bring into this country.

Always remember " WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM " marriage is not easy you both have to be committed to making it work, if only one person is trying to make it work it won't.

[humblyblessed 0]

Your very right, idocare!

I agree that it takes two people to make a marriage work and if both are not working at it.....downhill it goes. It's a union, a oneness and bond between two people that takes alot of work. And for those of us that have our spouses in another country, it's overtime work, double duty!

I somehow still think that the most challenging part will come once all the fresh excitement is over from the immigration process and homecoming is done.

We are just so ready to be together like a normal husband and wife should be, this distance is a bad boy! Once my husband gets to come home, we know there will be things along the way that will require more understanding, more patience, more working on, and we are very focused and ready.

Thanks to everyone who has come forth to say yes it's tough at times, yes it's alot of work and challenging, but when you really love eachother and willing to work through your problems, it can definitely work!

[AubreyJ 0]

So Awal has only been here two days now. He's taking a nap right now because I think it's just so much to take in. I remember sleeping a lot while I was in Ghana, and now it's him. I think you sleep a lot when you have so much to think about and process.

We've already done a few things and walked around - we even went up the biggest skyscraper here to look at the life, and I think it's just so, so, so different for him. He almost fell off the escalator in the airport and nearly smashed his face in on a revolving door today! It's really the little things. It's already been very hard for him to understand why we have so much and Ghanaians have so little (for me as well) But over all he likes it and the people, and it enjoying himself- it's just a lot.

I think patience and understanding are just the most important things. Because yes, it is going to be hard in the beginning. But imagine a person travelling such a distance just for love! What a strong love it must be if they are willing to give up everything just to be with you.

The food or water here is making him a little sick here already too. I've been making just rice things for now.. but I think it's just the bacteria.

And I have to say, it's so strange that for a full year I've just been working toward this one thing. And now that it's here.. it's like I'm on a whole new journey. Amazing.

[humblyblessed 0]

Thats sweet of you AubreyJ to take him around to experience alittle, but not to much to overwhelm him.

I also agree with you that patience and understanding is key!

I wish you and Awal the best on this new journey! I hope he starts to feel better and the sickness will go away...... i'm sure it will once his body gets use to the food & water here.

[Neya 0]

Oh Aubrey...

I have to admit I am envious. I wish you only the best and I cant wait to be in your shoes.

I had no idea the water would be an issue so thanks for that tip. I know the food is also another thing but being in a major metropolitan area should help.

Thanks to everyone for your tips because forewarned is for armed.

[joej 0]

So Awal has only been here two days now. He's taking a nap right now because I think it's just so much to take in. I remember sleeping a lot while I was in Ghana, and now it's him. I think you sleep a lot when you have so much to think about and process.

We've already done a few things and walked around - we even went up the biggest skyscraper here to look at the life, and I think it's just so, so, so different for him. He almost fell off the escalator in the airport and nearly smashed his face in on a revolving door today! It's really the little things. It's already been very hard for him to understand why we have so much and Ghanaians have so little (for me as well) But over all he likes it and the people, and it enjoying himself- it's just a lot.

I think patience and understanding are just the most important things. Because yes, it is going to be hard in the beginning. But imagine a person travelling such a distance just for love! What a strong love it must be if they are willing to give up everything just to be with you.

The food or water here is making him a little sick here already too. I've been making just rice things for now.. but I think it's just the bacteria.

And I have to say, it's so strange that for a full year I've just been working toward this one thing. And now that it's here.. it's like I'm on a whole new journey. Amazing.

Glad to hear that he made it safely and things are going well.

[JenT 0]

David is here visiting for 4 weeks... his first time in the US in 26 years. He's only been here for 2.5 days but his biggest adjustment right now is driving. He's never driven an automatic transmission... both of my cars are automatic... and getting used to the different traffic rules as compared to Germany in addition to the actual 'mechanics' of driving an automatic is making him feel a little helpless.

He tends to have a short fuse about little things, and I'm seeing some of that already being manifiested... but it's all about perspective and communication. I constantly try to put myself in his shoes and think how I would feel. I am determined to do whatever it takes to make him comfortable and feel at home, but at some point, 'real life' takes over and HE has to be just as flexible...

He is amazed at the options here, as compared to Germany... from the types of TVs on the market to the simple conveniences (toaster ovens, large refrigerators) that we take for granted.

And, even though he's British and speaks English (well, that's debatable ), he is being challenged with the language here in the US. He's lived in Germany for 17 years and is used to the German way of talking, predictable conversation turns, etc.. That's not the case here in the US... 'random thoughts' seem to be more prevalent and he's finding that he really has to work at keeping up with conversation, even though everyone is speaking English. I can relate in a way... after returning home from my visits to Germany, I found myself translating the English I was hearing in German, formulating a response in my head in German, and translating that back to English... and that was after only 10 days....

So I'm grateful that I've been on 'his side of the world' so that I can see the perspective he's coming from... helps me relate and perhaps anticipate the challenges he might have.

And I have to replace our shower head... he prefers the hand-held kind.

Jen