Is it just the distance, or is it something more...

[Henia 11]

Hanging in there:

O yes the the underground sex world is alive and well here in Algeria, as is the business of bars serving alcholol and drugs.

Anyone in Alger, can tell you it is an iffy to hickhitch (even with the poor transportation system here) since so many people kidnap women and even men for sex. And not to mention gay men prefer to "pick up" their "dates" this way. Also with the high rate of proverty, no surprising the youth are being used for sex also. Also sex slavery has come to Algeria ... kidnapping women, esp young women for the sex slave trade.

Prositution here is in Alger and in the bled (countrysides) is much more on the downlow then towards Oran (and beyond). I actually heard of city near Oran where is known as the "Red City" since most houses there are brothels ... very few "clean" houses as they say. They actually put Xs on the doors of the non-brothels homes. LOL! I am still trying to get my husband to take me to this town, so I can see it for myself!

Discos which are everywhere ... just hidden are easy and ripe places for "pick-ups" of women and men! And as you have mentioned so many Russians are coming to Algeria ... funny that I have traveled to Algeria on plane now 6 times ... and all 6 times came across groups of young Russians who claim to be coming to "work" at trade shows LOL! Alot of them around!

And if you take a look online, you will come across an all too surprising number of gay websites for Algeria! You donnot even have to type in gay .. just Algeria and some word like dating. LOL! See what comes up! Just makes me think on how many men are not coming home to their wives ... what they are actually doing!

Also the number of AIDS cases are rising at an alarming rate. I went with a group of women while back to visit an AIDS clinic in Ain Benian ... so many many women there with their children suffering due to their husbands "deeds"!

Also something shocking but not exclusive to Algeria is rape and sex crimes involving children. I think this is mainly due to the lack of inforcing the laws here. Rapists in my opinions rarely get their due punishment. Maybe beat up by the father or brother ... but no real punishments! Many of rape victims later on later in life turn to the streets or hooking. Here, they donnot punish the women like some countries like Jordan/Egypt with honour killings but is a hidden secret ... years down the line covered by lies and some cases hyemoplathy operations.

Places like buses are also prime "pick-up" places since they are public ... cramped allowing for easy "touching" and noisey enough for intimate talking and number exchanging.

You asked about the hotels in Alger. Well many of them do ask but of course ones like the Sheraton or Hilton or in areas like Club des Pins they don't .... buuuut Algerians who cheat rarely go to these types of places. They seek cheaper, dirtier if you will ways like in cars, in the forest, in the zoo, behind the majisd (nice huh?) near the livestock, etc. Also surprising "innocent" places like the zoo have been taken over by the "sex crazed" ... more people fking there then animals which is such a shame ... Algeria youths already have so little activities to occupy themselves with. Also places like Club des Pins (now closed to the non-military public) and Sidi Fredj are prime "singles places" all equipped with private beaches, alcoves, cafes, and discos.

And as I said, the rate of porn here high ... I have been several times before we have Internet as home ... seeing guys hooking up with girls in the cafes buuut also guys talking "sexy" to people online, watching porn and I have even seen one guy masterbating! They try to control these types of behaviours but I guess many times the need for money overshadows morals.

I guess Americans or even Europeans are seem as more loose ... since well French are more loose ... but this is the impression they get from media ... also the few who have travelled out coming back with these grand but probably fake stories. I myself, I dress modestly (long clothes and hijeb) and take my daughter everywhere but when people, esp men find out that I am a foreigner they go out of their way to talk to me ... flirt even try to "hook up" I have no idea why but this is how it has been for me. I have even had many ask me severa questions about my husband ... trying to get a foot in the door by saying "Oooo I can treat you better then him, etc" ... Here it seem men have no problem with adultery or screwing another man's wife, esp if she is a foreigner (maybe since they think the foreigner are all rich or are going to give them visas ... I donnow) I just laugh and walk on! Idiots! But I do have to say on the other hand many men are very respectful too! So not all men do this! I actually feel much more respect here from men then I did in the US. And actually these flirty men I have seen much more of problem in Morocco and Turkey then here!

And I don't think they believe us to sex crazed ... just many might think we have different set of morals ... like ... more open to new things ... not really really sex crazed just probbaly the better word would be "open" ... or "experienced" ... but I do think alot of ppl who think this way are living in fantasy. Remember ppl get married here later in life ... 30s or even 40s is common ... so alot of sexual frustration is built up for both men and women here. Hence, why porn, gay sex, premartial sex ... and I think in many ways relationships with foreigners is so appealing!

[Henia 11]

Also like to mention further south past areas like Medea ... no hotel will rent you a room without marriage papers even if you have children with you!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Just my two cents...

I think being jealous or concerned and accusations of infidelity are far removed from one another.

Its understandable to have jealousy,worry ect when you are not physically present. I understand those feelings. Feeling helpless,frustrated with the seperation is comeplety normal. But trust issues are something more serious in my opinion. My husband and are both jealous by nature but we have NO doubts in regards to trust. Communication is key here as Im sure you know. Also Im sure everyone will agree, its SOO easy to misread an email,chat or text. Tiny misunderstandings can become big issues. I was once upset for two days over one word I misread and therefore took out of context. lol When we talked on the phone...I said wait wait you meant this?!?! and we laughed.

Any serious issues should be made on the phone.

It sounds like you have some concerns and you have gotten some good advise. Use your "gut" feelings, and make sure you communicate your concerns with him.

It may just be nerves on his part. You will have time to "feel it out" once he arrives and once you feel comfortable, then you can make your desicion about the marriage.

I'll keep you in my prayers and take care.

Lisa

Lisa we are not talking misinterpreation. We are talking proof sometimes. And nerves has nothing to do with disrespect and lack of compassion for her. I disagree about feeling it out once they arrive. If they are pulling stuff over there that makes your hair stand up on the back of your head, there is a good chance it will continue when they get here and worsen. I recommend setting boundaries and not allowing bad stuff to go on. It will worsen.

Thats why I made a point to say that jealousy and trust can be different animals. Accusations are a VERY serious issue.

But, not everyone is doomed for faliure, sometimes encouraging words are needed.

Of course boundries are important in any dynamic and abusive people will continually test them to see how far they can push.

I agree with "going with your gut" thats why I advised that.

[Krissy! 0]

It went too far, thus the reason for my question....

Jealousy is a completely separate subject from trust. I don't really have a problem with jealously -- I can work with that. But being told something accusative and not being respectful about it..... *sighs*

I don't think it'd be a good idea to "feel it out" while he's here in person... it would make things more difficult for me to handle if he happens to get into that mode again.

I'm following my gut instincts -- even through it's been a struggle. I just know I deserve much better treatment than that. Thanks to all for sharing your thoughts and concerns.

[*Maureen* 0]

i can't imagine being accused and disrespected by the love of my life. i wouldnt want to be his "mental punching bag"!

The only issues i've ever faced was being separated.

...and you are right, YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER TREATMENT!

[caybee 21]

It went too far, thus the reason for my question....

Jealousy is a completely separate subject from trust. I don't really have a problem with jealously -- I can work with that. But being told something accusative and not being respectful about it..... *sighs*

I don't think it'd be a good idea to "feel it out" while he's here in person... it would make things more difficult for me to handle if he happens to get into that mode again.

I'm following my gut instincts -- even through it's been a struggle. I just know I deserve much better treatment than that. Thanks to all for sharing your thoughts and concerns.

You've obviously given this a lot of difficult thought. The world is full of people who didn't trust their gut and just kept hoping an intolerable situation would change, until they realized it never would. You're making the best decision you can for yourself. Good luck in the future.

[punkmada 0]

In the US it may be easy to get a gf or bf or just a plain "good old time" but that doesn't mean people are doing that (cheating) ... like in MENA since when something is forbidden people are more likely to want to/do anything in their power to get it! Hence, more cheating. I know here in Algeria, cheating men and women is so common ... everything from flirting, to casual more then "friendship" relationships to full blown sexual relations. And not to mention the high rate of prostitution, Internet porn/fanstasy play and gay relationships. Being MENA country isn't stopping these ppl!

Yes, I agree with you, the same sort of stuff is happening in Egypt. On the one hand you have all of the rules and regulations but on the other, folks are going crazy to get at the bad stuff too, just keep it under the carpet as you will. We have to remember that Prophet Lut did not look back for a reason!!! No MENA country can stop what people want to do, regardless. All of it is in the person's heart anyways.

[Henia 11]

In the US it may be easy to get a gf or bf or just a plain "good old time" but that doesn't mean people are doing that (cheating) ... like in MENA since when something is forbidden people are more likely to want to/do anything in their power to get it! Hence, more cheating. I know here in Algeria, cheating men and women is so common ... everything from flirting, to casual more then "friendship" relationships to full blown sexual relations. And not to mention the high rate of prostitution, Internet porn/fanstasy play and gay relationships. Being MENA country isn't stopping these ppl!

Yes, I agree with you, the same sort of stuff is happening in Egypt. On the one hand you have all of the rules and regulations but on the other, folks are going crazy to get at the bad stuff too, just keep it under the carpet as you will. We have to remember that Prophet Lut did not look back for a reason!!! No MENA country can stop what people want to do, regardless. All of it is in the person's heart anyways.

Disclaimer: My comments donnot reflect my approval or disapproval of the following:

And I mean no offense to Saudis and Pakis but let us look at countries like Saudi Arabia and Pakistan where everything seems to out-lawed ... then looked at their stats. And no I am not trying to funny here, but the stats show KSA has one of the highest rates of homosexulity and Pakistan one of the highest rate of Zophilia. Sorry to say this, but many of these extreme Islamic censorship laws have only brought on more serious and sometimes dangerous behaviours.

And these people who are acting on their sexual urges are not considering themselves gay or any other name you want to use. And not to mention in these more conversative/extreme countries rape and the sex slave industry seem to be thriving the best

[Sandrila 1]

It is reassuring to see that I am not the only one being badgered and scrutinized by my husband.

I find I am often being questioned by the FBI....surely this man is unlike any other I have encountered in my life.

In so many ways he is soo good to me and has made me enlightened but does being enlightened mean you have to lose yourself?

I find all the time we are just fighting about the things he "thinks" I am doing in the one or two minutes he cant reach me by internet or phone. I feel that we just fight about the things he doesnt want me to do, which, I can understand making sacrifices because we are in a committed relationship, but a relationship can only manage this way if there is TRUST..

how can one, who has never been enlightened or never found true happiness be persecuted for their experiences in the past? If one wants to have a healthy, enlightened future, one must move on, forget the past and start anew.

True, our country is so different than theirs BUT our men need to know that not all people, male or female are playing behind them and playing games.

It has become so distressful to constantly waste time justifying and detailing every minute of my life since being apart from him..I love him so dearly but I can totally understand how this kind of possessive/obsessive and accusatory behavior can drive one away. Respect your husband yes, but become his prisoner and under his total control so that you dont have any life, fun or peace of mind?? I dont agree with this way. I dont know if this is a separation issue, moroccan or muslim issue or just an individual insecurity issue...and how can you prove???? you cant always provide proof and what then?? calling relatives, friends and children to verify your whereabouts??? this is insane I think..anyone agree??

[Staashi 371]

It is reassuring to see that I am not the only one being badgered and scrutinized by my husband.

I find I am often being questioned by the FBI....surely this man is unlike any other I have encountered in my life.

In so many ways he is soo good to me and has made me enlightened but does being enlightened mean you have to lose yourself?

I find all the time we are just fighting about the things he "thinks" I am doing in the one or two minutes he cant reach me by internet or phone. I feel that we just fight about the things he doesnt want me to do, which, I can understand making sacrifices because we are in a committed relationship, but a relationship can only manage this way if there is TRUST..

how can one, who has never been enlightened or never found true happiness be persecuted for their experiences in the past? If one wants to have a healthy, enlightened future, one must move on, forget the past and start anew.

True, our country is so different than theirs BUT our men need to know that not all people, male or female are playing behind them and playing games.

It has become so distressful to constantly waste time justifying and detailing every minute of my life since being apart from him..I love him so dearly but I can totally understand how this kind of possessive/obsessive and accusatory behavior can drive one away. Respect your husband yes, but become his prisoner and under his total control so that you dont have any life, fun or peace of mind?? I dont agree with this way. I dont know if this is a separation issue, moroccan or muslim issue or just an individual insecurity issue...and how can you prove???? you cant always provide proof and what then?? calling relatives, friends and children to verify your whereabouts??? this is insane I think..anyone agree??

In my heart of hearts, I believe that this behavior doesn't change - it will only get worse. When it comes to faults or habits of people, my grandmother gave me the greatest piece of advice: She said, "Take the worst fault of the person you want to marry and multiply it by 100; because that is what it will feel like when you are married. You're going to feel like you're imprisoned because of that fault - as once you're married you can't get out. (Remember, she was basing her experience on a time when divorce wasn't common or even acceptable). If you can still live with that fault mulitplied by 100, you'll be ok - if not, you will need to decide what you're going to do."

I always thought it was pretty brilliant - and always remember this line: "Women marry men expecting that they'll change, men marry women expecting that they won't."

[caybee 21]

It is reassuring to see that I am not the only one being badgered and scrutinized by my husband.

I find I am often being questioned by the FBI....surely this man is unlike any other I have encountered in my life.

In so many ways he is soo good to me and has made me enlightened but does being enlightened mean you have to lose yourself?

I find all the time we are just fighting about the things he "thinks" I am doing in the one or two minutes he cant reach me by internet or phone. I feel that we just fight about the things he doesnt want me to do, which, I can understand making sacrifices because we are in a committed relationship, but a relationship can only manage this way if there is TRUST..

how can one, who has never been enlightened or never found true happiness be persecuted for their experiences in the past? If one wants to have a healthy, enlightened future, one must move on, forget the past and start anew.

True, our country is so different than theirs BUT our men need to know that not all people, male or female are playing behind them and playing games.

It has become so distressful to constantly waste time justifying and detailing every minute of my life since being apart from him..I love him so dearly but I can totally understand how this kind of possessive/obsessive and accusatory behavior can drive one away. Respect your husband yes, but become his prisoner and under his total control so that you dont have any life, fun or peace of mind?? I dont agree with this way. I dont know if this is a separation issue, moroccan or muslim issue or just an individual insecurity issue...and how can you prove???? you cant always provide proof and what then?? calling relatives, friends and children to verify your whereabouts??? this is insane I think..anyone agree??

In my heart of hearts, I believe that this behavior doesn't change - it will only get worse. When it comes to faults or habits of people, my grandmother gave me the greatest piece of advice: She said, "Take the worst fault of the person you want to marry and multiply it by 100; because that is what it will feel like when you are married. You're going to feel like you're imprisoned because of that fault - as once you're married you can't get out. (Remember, she was basing her experience on a time when divorce wasn't common or even acceptable). If you can still live with that fault mulitplied by 100, you'll be ok - if not, you will need to decide what you're going to do."

I always thought it was pretty brilliant - and always remember this line: "Women marry men expecting that they'll change, men marry women expecting that they won't."

I agree with both of these pieces of advice. I also like what my sister told me once: Marry a kind man who wears bad ties. You can fix the ties.

[Jenn! 918]

It is reassuring to see that I am not the only one being badgered and scrutinized by my husband.

I find I am often being questioned by the FBI....surely this man is unlike any other I have encountered in my life.

In so many ways he is soo good to me and has made me enlightened but does being enlightened mean you have to lose yourself?

I find all the time we are just fighting about the things he "thinks" I am doing in the one or two minutes he cant reach me by internet or phone. I feel that we just fight about the things he doesnt want me to do, which, I can understand making sacrifices because we are in a committed relationship, but a relationship can only manage this way if there is TRUST..

how can one, who has never been enlightened or never found true happiness be persecuted for their experiences in the past? If one wants to have a healthy, enlightened future, one must move on, forget the past and start anew.

True, our country is so different than theirs BUT our men need to know that not all people, male or female are playing behind them and playing games.

It has become so distressful to constantly waste time justifying and detailing every minute of my life since being apart from him..I love him so dearly but I can totally understand how this kind of possessive/obsessive and accusatory behavior can drive one away. Respect your husband yes, but become his prisoner and under his total control so that you dont have any life, fun or peace of mind?? I dont agree with this way. I dont know if this is a separation issue, moroccan or muslim issue or just an individual insecurity issue...and how can you prove???? you cant always provide proof and what then?? calling relatives, friends and children to verify your whereabouts??? this is insane I think..anyone agree??

It is insane and I wouldn't tolerate it, personally. I do think that some women actually like this extreme jealousy/control because they perceive it to be a sign of affection/love, whereas I think it's only a sign of jealousy/control issues.

I also think that there is a lot of trash talking by so-called friends, planting ideas - whether it is malicious or not, who knows. Either way, it's no excuse to behave irrationally.

[Henia 11]

It is reassuring to see that I am not the only one being badgered and scrutinized by my husband.

I find I am often being questioned by the FBI....surely this man is unlike any other I have encountered in my life.

In so many ways he is soo good to me and has made me enlightened but does being enlightened mean you have to lose yourself?

I find all the time we are just fighting about the things he "thinks" I am doing in the one or two minutes he cant reach me by internet or phone. I feel that we just fight about the things he doesnt want me to do, which, I can understand making sacrifices because we are in a committed relationship, but a relationship can only manage this way if there is TRUST..

how can one, who has never been enlightened or never found true happiness be persecuted for their experiences in the past? If one wants to have a healthy, enlightened future, one must move on, forget the past and start anew.

True, our country is so different than theirs BUT our men need to know that not all people, male or female are playing behind them and playing games.

It has become so distressful to constantly waste time justifying and detailing every minute of my life since being apart from him..I love him so dearly but I can totally understand how this kind of possessive/obsessive and accusatory behavior can drive one away. Respect your husband yes, but become his prisoner and under his total control so that you dont have any life, fun or peace of mind?? I dont agree with this way. I dont know if this is a separation issue, moroccan or muslim issue or just an individual insecurity issue...and how can you prove???? you cant always provide proof and what then?? calling relatives, friends and children to verify your whereabouts??? this is insane I think..anyone agree??

Not sayng that your man is ... but in my experience most people who are overly suspicous and accuse the partner of misbehaviours are usually the ones sneaking around in the downlown. I think somehow paranoia sets in on what they are doing, then they assume the other is doing the same!

But in the end, for whatever reason the person is doing is ... for sure in the end it will end. No one can live like this for long periods of time (unless they must) ...

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

It is reassuring to see that I am not the only one being badgered and scrutinized by my husband.

I find I am often being questioned by the FBI....surely this man is unlike any other I have encountered in my life.

In so many ways he is soo good to me and has made me enlightened but does being enlightened mean you have to lose yourself?

I find all the time we are just fighting about the things he "thinks" I am doing in the one or two minutes he cant reach me by internet or phone. I feel that we just fight about the things he doesnt want me to do, which, I can understand making sacrifices because we are in a committed relationship, but a relationship can only manage this way if there is TRUST..

how can one, who has never been enlightened or never found true happiness be persecuted for their experiences in the past? If one wants to have a healthy, enlightened future, one must move on, forget the past and start anew.

True, our country is so different than theirs BUT our men need to know that not all people, male or female are playing behind them and playing games.

It has become so distressful to constantly waste time justifying and detailing every minute of my life since being apart from him..I love him so dearly but I can totally understand how this kind of possessive/obsessive and accusatory behavior can drive one away. Respect your husband yes, but become his prisoner and under his total control so that you dont have any life, fun or peace of mind?? I dont agree with this way. I dont know if this is a separation issue, moroccan or muslim issue or just an individual insecurity issue...and how can you prove???? you cant always provide proof and what then?? calling relatives, friends and children to verify your whereabouts??? this is insane I think..anyone agree??

Not sayng that your man is ... but in my experience most people who are overly suspicous and accuse the partner of misbehaviours are usually the ones sneaking around in the downlown. I think somehow paranoia sets in on what they are doing, then they assume the other is doing the same!

But in the end, for whatever reason the person is doing is ... for sure in the end it will end. No one can live like this for long periods of time (unless they must) ...

AGREED HENIA. Often the ones doing the majority of the accusing are the ones doing it themselves. Or living a life that they dont want their spouse to live, thats for sure.

[Krissy! 0]

Thank you to all for providing the support that I'm not the "confused" one here. I just read the last few comments -- and that's EXACTLY my thoughts. Love the words of advice from the grandmother and sister.

I agree I must get out of the relationship while I still can. We still correspond (but not as much as we used to because I specifically asked for "space"). This guy is very infratuated with me. I love him very much but I just can not tolerate this kind of behavior, and know it would not totally end, even at his insistence (I already seen a small trace of it since he "promised"). So yes, I don't think I could handle 100x of this later on in marriage.

So, I'm slowly beginning the steps of disassociating myself from him. It's very difficult as I do fear certain things, but I will remain strong as possible with support.

I don't think I'll completely stop coming to VJ.com. This is a great group of MENA women (and man), and I'm rooting for all of you.

Bless you all.