Is it just the distance, or is it something more...

[Staashi 371]

See how he acts during this break and inshallah everything will work itself out. If in your heart and gut you feel something is "off" though in the way he treats you then listen to those feelings.

This is the best advice. If your heart or his is not "in it to win it" so to speak, then you need to trust yourself...this is one really tough, fight-to-the-finish process. And by finish, I'm not talking about just the visa - hell, getting the visa is the easy part - I mean citizenship or 10-year LPR card. So often, we talk about love, and how if we just hold on everything will be ok, but love is only one component of this process. See, USCIS makes this process more than just about how much do you love each other. You really have to decide if this is the man that you want to marry, but you also have to decide if you trust him enough to be financially responsible for him for the next 10 years or until he gets his citizenship.

If he does come here and you don't find happiness, are you prepared to accept the financial responsibility of his life in the US?

I hate to sound like this is all a business transaction, but in essence, it is. The US government is obligating you to make this business decision - they do want you to understand what you are undertaking.

If you're having trust issues now...it has the potential to only get worse as you get further along.

God bless you...you will make the right decision, just pray on it.

Edited August 14, 2008 by Staashi

[caybee 21]

There were never any accusations, but there were arguments over silly things, especially right before the interview. There were more silly arguments after he arrived, while we were adjusting to living together. But as time passes, there are fewer and fewer of those. The process gives us tunnel vision. We often give up our social lives (on both sides), exercise, eating right, and everyday activities to throw all our energy into just getting through that interview. And when the time is close and there's not much left to prepare, we start seeing the magnitude of what we've been doing, how much our lives are going to change, and soon! At least I think that's what I was feeling. Then here come the "what-ifs": is my spouse going to help carry the load I've been shouldering alone, is my spouse going to be there for me when I find myself jobless in a new country with a new language and customs, all of the practical questions that got set aside while we focused on that interview. So I think a feeling of insecurity on both sides is very normal. That said, that doesn't mean that one partner should be walking all over the other either, or making unreasonable demands, expecting a fundamental change in who their partner is as a human being. That, to me, is a matter that needs to be addressed as soon as possible, and certainly before living under the same roof.

[nunyab 0]

Reda and I don't fight about anything really, when he is having a bad day I am the strong one when I am having a bad day he is the strong one. we have such little time to see/talk to eachother that we have alot of "buisness" to discuss. He doesn't get jelouse of anyone cause there isn't anyone to talk to I work and come home and hang out with my kids.... he doesn't like me out late he says for my safety but I am thinking other reasons but I've agreed to his wishes becase it seems so small compared to his happiness.

If Reda is jelouse he's never told me, he doesn't like that I don't wear hijab to work but my work is a very VERY good job with great benefits that help both of us. He also knows I am always in hijab everywhere else and pray. Because he doesn't like it he just doesn't talk about it because there is no point to the discussion until he is here Insha'allah.

while I know "time away" may feel like the right thing to do I think you too need to do some talking when you're both calmer. Good luck

Rajaa

[Martiniolive 0]

you make some good points caybee. I know I am freaking out right now waiting my husbands coming to the US. And he never says anything to me about his own concerns but maybe he has some too?

Actally he always says he is just always happy so maybe he never thinks oe worries about anything.

There were never any accusations, but there were arguments over silly things, especially right before the interview. There were more silly arguments after he arrived, while we were adjusting to living together. But as time passes, there are fewer and fewer of those. The process gives us tunnel vision. We often give up our social lives (on both sides), exercise, eating right, and everyday activities to throw all our energy into just getting through that interview. And when the time is close and there's not much left to prepare, we start seeing the magnitude of what we've been doing, how much our lives are going to change, and soon! At least I think that's what I was feeling. Then here come the "what-ifs": is my spouse going to help carry the load I've been shouldering alone, is my spouse going to be there for me when I find myself jobless in a new country with a new language and customs, all of the practical questions that got set aside while we focused on that interview. So I think a feeling of insecurity on both sides is very normal. That said, that doesn't mean that one partner should be walking all over the other either, or making unreasonable demands, expecting a fundamental change in who their partner is as a human being. That, to me, is a matter that needs to be addressed as soon as possible, and certainly before living under the same roof.

[morocco4ever 63]

This is a difficult one. On one hand the long distance can cause arguments. Like someone stated, this isn't a journey for the weak. On the other hand, what if this kind of accusation was to continue once he got here?

There was one instance that I wanted to look good for my hubby. He loves when I do my eyes smoky and bold. Not something I do often! So I did it before I got online. When he saw it he freaked and wanted to know where I was going. I explained that I wasn't going anywhere, it was for him. He calmed down and realized that he jumped to quickly. That was pretty much the only time it happened. Now that he is here there is no problem. It would have been a huge mistake if I would have ended our marriage on this little incident.

I know of a Moroccan man that would have these strange bouts of insecurity. One minute he was fine, the next he was accusing his gf (American) of cheating. But it got worse. He accused her of cheating with his sister because she was so happy (on the webcam) after she had spent some time with her. For God's sake, she was happy to see HIM! But it got worse! He then accused her of doing things with her dog! #######???? Anyway, long story short, she broke it off. It was sick, and his mind is sick.

So yes, please see his reactions, watch them close, are they normal fears that will go away once you are together, or is it something more? Just asking him won't help. You have to watch his reactions to everything.

This is not an easy life, but after having my husband here now for going on 2 years I am so happy that we fought through the system.

Good luck to you.

[esmatsgirl 1]

Not a promiscous society? I think, because of the repression of sexual urges, there is backdoor, in the night nookie that is just not discussed in Jordan. It's there, just no one talks about it or acknowledges it. Of course more prevalent in Amman than in the villages. The hookers I saw tho were in the little village of al husn.

Men and woman will mix no matter what country they are in. Just cuz mom & dad & grandparents dont know about it, doesn't mean its not happening. I saw 'women of the night' on every trip to Jordan. hoochie mama's ...lol

I hope you get thru this separation quickly. Nothing like a good reunion to make you forget the horrible wait.

jJ

Hi Jackie,

I wasn't trying to say promiscuity does not exist in Jordan...of course it exists everywhere. But if Jordan was like the US, when my husband is going out for the night...I would wonder about him a lot more than I do now. His "going out" is going over a friends house and playing cards until 2am...not going out with a bunch of friends club hopping, intermingling with a lot of women. There is a HUGE difference between Jordan and US in this regard. I would be more worried about the casual meeting when out having fun than the prostitutes....but thats just me. By the way, I saw them (the women of the night) in Amman...and also in Aqaba they are very prevalent. However, they don't make it easy!! You know this if you have ever attempted to stay in a hotel with your husband in Jordan...we had to provide our marriage agreement and IDs to prove we were married to stay together in the hotel. So, its not like you can just grab a prostitute (or even any woman) and rent a hotel room like you can here. Of course, at the Kempinski they didn't ask for any proof...but thats a 5 star hotel...and was rented online by me (from the US) before I went.

As far as being let down because he is going out and doing something with family or friends instead of talking online....he's gotta spend time with these people because he won't see them again for a long time and life is about to change for him a lot. I have had times when I was planing on being with my husband online all night and he informed me that he will be going to a friends home to play cards for the evening. Or they will come to his home. This does not make me jealous at all and I tell him to enjoy while he can and I take advantage of that free time and do something I want to do. We call each other during the night sometimes a couple times just to say we miss each other.

I wanted to comment on something else that is sort of related....I notice a lot of women here seem to take on a lot of the burden for their significant other...between paying the immigrant fees, phone bills and travel costs. I don't think you can have a long distance relationship like this without coming out with some cost burdens...but I have expected and relied on my husband to pay all of his immigrant fees on his own. He wired me the money for all of it whenever money came due. He paid for all of my trips to Jordan in full and sent me the itinerary via email and he also pays for all calls...I call him and do a missed call and he calls me right back so I don't have the burden of the cost. I think its important to do this (make them responsible) because its hard enough work on us already...doing the forms, keeping a job, home, etc. and they must accept some of this burden. And it is their responsibility, also. My husband has also sent me money for gifts for family members (birthdays) and money to help out with the bills now and then. Even though I make very good money and can afford all of these things...he does this to help out where he can.

I just hope that some of us are not being taken advantage of in this regard...thats why I brought it up. I have heard women on here complaining about the money they dish out for travel, calls, even sending money to their husband to live on!!!!!!

Be careful ladies!

Deb

[secret_identity2 0]

I know of a Moroccan man that would have these strange bouts of insecurity. One minute he was fine, the next he was accusing his gf (American) of cheating. But it got worse. He accused her of cheating with his sister because she was so happy (on the webcam) after she had spent some time with her. For God's sake, she was happy to see HIM! But it got worse! He then accused her of doing things with her dog! #######???? Anyway, long story short, she broke it off. It was sick, and his mind is sick.

So yes, please see his reactions, watch them close, are they normal fears that will go away once you are together, or is it something more? Just asking him won't help. You have to watch his reactions to everything.

I could not agree more. With My X these kinds of things became our normal existence for the entire time we were waiting for his visa. The accusations were horrible, hard and ridiculous. He accused me of having sex with everyone. Men, women, children.. There was nothing that I was not capable of in his sick and twisted mind. I was so hell bent on convincing him that he was wrong, that I totally isolated myself. I completely gave up all of my friends and NEVER went anywhere except to work and home in fear that he would come online while I was out and it would just start a HUGE fight and hours of those ridiculous accusations. I really thought that once we were together these silly things would just fade away.. I was wrong..Dead wrong.. When he got here these suspicions and accusations escalated until it nearly cost me my life. He has been gone now for nearly a year (I put him on a plane in mid October, 2007) back to his home country and I have no communication with him at all. I have been able to move on and evaluate the reasons why I allowed myself to be put into such a dangerous position and I have definitely learned so much about myself in this past year. (However, I still have not managed to kick my VJ habit...I am sure I will be a resident lurker for years to come..)

My advice to those who have those nagging suspicions is to really take a hard look at the situation and try to find a

solution before it continues to get worse. God gave us intuition for a reason. If I had listened to my "gut feelings" I could have saved myself so much time, money and pain. Good Luck to all and God Bless.

[Henia 11]

LOL I see people syaing the same here ... that the spouse is "cheating" (having more fun) with the siblings ... I find this funny!

[Melinda and Ahed 0]

I too have been accused of cheating! He says the same thing, in America its very easy! Here's the thing, I just keep reassuring him & it TRULY is the distance that makes the mind crazy & gets you/them to wondering & thinking! His question for me...ALL THE TIME IS... Why me? You have MANY men in America, why me? And, I know you have other man there in America!

Truly, that is just insecurity & distance. Here is a plan! Its true, you can't REALLY know a person until you have dated them & had some time to learn about their idiosyncracies, pet peeves, etc. When he comes here, you will have 3 months to get to know each other. You don't have to rush & get married immediately! That's why you are given 90 days, to make sure that this is the lifetime decision that you want to make! You've Come SO far already, K & have invested much time & energy, not to mention MONEY into this relationship! Its normal to have fear & be scared now that the end is in sight of this long fiasco, but I say....try things out! Keep getting to know him, day by day, and really get to know him when he comes here. Cuz truly, he is sacrificing alot to be with you & to love you! As, you are for him as well!

That's my thoughts! If there's more going on that you fear is a "non-negotiable" than I would advise you to think long & hard for the next 6 weeks, before his interview!

Take care, sweetie!

[*Maureen* 0]

I know of a Moroccan man that would have these strange bouts of insecurity. One minute he was fine, the next he was accusing his gf (American) of cheating. But it got worse. He accused her of cheating with his sister because she was so happy (on the webcam) after she had spent some time with her. For God's sake, she was happy to see HIM! But it got worse! He then accused her of doing things with her dog! #######???? Anyway, long story short, she broke it off. It was sick, and his mind is sick.

So yes, please see his reactions, watch them close, are they normal fears that will go away once you are together, or is it something more? Just asking him won't help. You have to watch his reactions to everything.

I could not agree more. With My X these kinds of things became our normal existence for the entire time we were waiting for his visa. The accusations were horrible, hard and ridiculous. He accused me of having sex with everyone. Men, women, children.. There was nothing that I was not capable of in his sick and twisted mind. I was so hell bent on convincing him that he was wrong, that I totally isolated myself. I completely gave up all of my friends and NEVER went anywhere except to work and home in fear that he would come online while I was out and it would just start a HUGE fight and hours of those ridiculous accusations. I really thought that once we were together these silly things would just fade away.. I was wrong..Dead wrong.. When he got here these suspicions and accusations escalated until it nearly cost me my life. He has been gone now for nearly a year (I put him on a plane in mid October, 2007) back to his home country and I have no communication with him at all. I have been able to move on and evaluate the reasons why I allowed myself to be put into such a dangerous position and I have definitely learned so much about myself in this past year. (However, I still have not managed to kick my VJ habit. ..I am sure I will be a resident lurker for years to come.. )

My advice to those who have those nagging suspicions is to really take a hard look at the situation and try to find a

solution before it continues to get worse. God gave us intuition for a reason. If I had listened to my "gut feelings" I could have saved myself so much time, money and pain. Good Luck to all and God Bless.

i'm glad to hear you got out of that!!i am very sorry to hear the pain that you went through

[Henia 11]

In the US it may be easy to get a gf or bf or just a plain "good old time" but that doesn't mean people are doing that (cheating) ... like in MENA since when something is forbidden people are more likely to want to/do anything in their power to get it! Hence, more cheating. I know here in Algeria, cheating men and women is so common ... everything from flirting, to casual more then "friendship" relationships to full blown sexual relations. And not to mention the high rate of prostitution, Internet porn/fanstasy play and gay relationships. Being MENA country isn't stopping these ppl!

Edited August 15, 2008 by Henia

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Just my two cents...

I think being jealous or concerned and accusations of infidelity are far removed from one another.

Its understandable to have jealousy,worry ect when you are not physically present. I understand those feelings. Feeling helpless,frustrated with the seperation is comeplety normal. But trust issues are something more serious in my opinion. My husband and are both jealous by nature but we have NO doubts in regards to trust. Communication is key here as Im sure you know. Also Im sure everyone will agree, its SOO easy to misread an email,chat or text. Tiny misunderstandings can become big issues. I was once upset for two days over one word I misread and therefore took out of context. lol When we talked on the phone...I said wait wait you meant this?!?! and we laughed.

Any serious issues should be made on the phone.

It sounds like you have some concerns and you have gotten some good advise. Use your "gut" feelings, and make sure you communicate your concerns with him.

It may just be nerves on his part. You will have time to "feel it out" once he arrives and once you feel comfortable, then you can make your desicion about the marriage.

I'll keep you in my prayers and take care.

Lisa

Edited August 17, 2008 by Y_habibitk

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

In the US it may be easy to get a gf or bf or just a plain "good old time" but that doesn't mean people are doing that (cheating) ... like in MENA since when something is forbidden people are more likely to want to/do anything in their power to get it! Hence, more cheating. I know here in Algeria, cheating men and women is so common ... everything from flirting, to casual more then "friendship" relationships to full blown sexual relations. And not to mention the high rate of prostitution, Internet porn/fanstasy play and gay relationships. Being MENA country isn't stopping these ppl!

I honestly think in some respects ITS MORE PREVALENT. Here in the USA, my husband was shocked that women stay in the house at night. I think he thought we all work the streets. I have NEVER had an American woman make eyes at my husband then look down and do the doe eyed eyelash flutter like I have over there and with women from MENA over here. There is definitely an element of fantasy and the forbidden which makes everything more interesting and fun. What kills me is that I had no idea about all the under the current dynamics such as readily available prostitution ( 5 euros a hit) and brothels and the culture of gay sex and underage sex and the whole sugar momma thing ( where older divorced women their fund their much younger men... and married men living in Europe , Usa and the west basically have "girlfriends" from the culture and everyone is in on it and somehow no one tells the westerner. See you are there , Henia and you are seeing this stuff. I ve tried to talk about with other Americans married to people from the same culture and no one was picking up on this stuff.. You have to outright ask someone from North Africa about cabarets, brothels,drug use etc to even get a firm answer. The other thing is that activity varies from country to country. Egypt has a long history of prostitution. Its become very russian dominated but its run differently because of having to be "married" Morocco has a strong gay tourism base that doesnt exist in Algeria. Gay hook ups here are done inside of "cabarets" and alot of the customers are over the road drivers and they hook with bis and since they are the "top" they dont consider themselves gay. Morocco has entire sections of Marrakech that are gay and gays own their own hotels there and market to gay tour groups. I saw the same thing in tunisia.. with Gay older french men kissing their tunisian boyfirends in cafes. Algeria has the same thing but its just not overt. Its part of the nighttime cabaret culture. And then I have to listen to about what sluts american women are and how our culture is this and that and dirty and I wanna scream. With the changes in Mena, all of this is all over. Iraqis are hooking at such great levels that Syrian culture is completely infilitrated with 15 year olds plying their trade. Even saudi has a secret trade and with the break down of the soviet union, there is NOTHING you cant buy in Dubai and in Abu Dhabi. This is what kills me about how some people perceive mena. you are living there so you are seeing on a daily basis all this cheating and stuff...Also the whole empowered wealthy older woman thing is big... where maybe the woman is an ex prostitute and ends up buying a bar or goes out of country and goes home to get a really young man from her own nationality. Everyone is cutting deals all over the place. All I know is that Ihave seen alot LESS debauchery over here Henia than I saw there. I have to admit though that Tunis was really pretty out there.. with Algeria more covert. This might be why you see such young guys on the net really pursuing women 2 times their age. Its happening in real life there too in the bars.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

In the US it may be easy to get a gf or bf or just a plain "good old time" but that doesn't mean people are doing that (cheating) ... like in MENA since when something is forbidden people are more likely to want to/do anything in their power to get it! Hence, more cheating. I know here in Algeria, cheating men and women is so common ... everything from flirting, to casual more then "friendship" relationships to full blown sexual relations. And not to mention the high rate of prostitution, Internet porn/fanstasy play and gay relationships. Being MENA country isn't stopping these ppl!

One question? Do they perceive western women in your opinion as loose or oour culture as sex crazed in your opinion? I get the drift that somehow we are just not in the equation sometimes until its determined if we are PAPERS or a real marriage. Henia., also Algiers in the big hotels requires that paper of marriage to even check in unless you are buying 2 rooms.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Just my two cents...

I think being jealous or concerned and accusations of infidelity are far removed from one another.

Its understandable to have jealousy,worry ect when you are not physically present. I understand those feelings. Feeling helpless,frustrated with the seperation is comeplety normal. But trust issues are something more serious in my opinion. My husband and are both jealous by nature but we have NO doubts in regards to trust. Communication is key here as Im sure you know. Also Im sure everyone will agree, its SOO easy to misread an email,chat or text. Tiny misunderstandings can become big issues. I was once upset for two days over one word I misread and therefore took out of context. lol When we talked on the phone...I said wait wait you meant this?!?! and we laughed.

Any serious issues should be made on the phone.

It sounds like you have some concerns and you have gotten some good advise. Use your "gut" feelings, and make sure you communicate your concerns with him.

It may just be nerves on his part. You will have time to "feel it out" once he arrives and once you feel comfortable, then you can make your desicion about the marriage.

I'll keep you in my prayers and take care.

Lisa

Lisa we are not talking misinterpreation. We are talking proof sometimes. And nerves has nothing to do with disrespect and lack of compassion for her. I disagree about feeling it out once they arrive. If they are pulling stuff over there that makes your hair stand up on the back of your head, there is a good chance it will continue when they get here and worsen. I recommend setting boundaries and not allowing bad stuff to go on. It will worsen.