THE JOKE THREAD

[mRs StOcKwElL 1]

ANOTHER ONE: Sex is... like NOKIA (connecting people) like NIKE (just do it) like PEPSI (ask for more) like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited) and like ME (too good to be true)...

[Yiyi and Chris 0]

ONE MORE BEFORE I GOT TO BED....

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.

Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $20 from me that morning and your new silk boxers were $20.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for 60 Million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Aman Pulo somewhere in Palawan. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem. Change is good.

[eric&gen 0]

This was done before geez feels we are going back wards not forward. Should have dug up the old joke thread and start from there.

[Yiyi and Chris 0]

lol

[ronjie 0]

little johny is sitting on a park bench with a bag full of candy bars. and he is eating one right after the other. across from him is an old man sitting on a bench, he looks at little johny and says, little boy you shouldn't eat so much candy. its not good for you, it will make you sick. little johny looked back at him and said, oh yea, my grandfather lived to be 88 years old !! the old man replied, wow !! did your grandfather eat that much candy? little johny said no !! but he minded his own focking business !!

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

When a very proper retired lady and her husband began planning a week's

camping vacation, she wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted

to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but

couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. She

decided on the old fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down

she still wasn't comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation

"B.C.", and wrote "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner got the letter, he couldn't figure out what

the woman meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of

whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church. So

he sent the lady this reply: Dear Madam, The B.C. is located nine miles

from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a

distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be

please to know that it will seat 350 people at one time and it is open on

Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their

lunch and make a day of it, especially on Thursday when there is organ

accompaniment. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the

quietest passage. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her

husband there. We are also having a fundraiser to purchase new seats, as

the old seats have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has

not been able to attend regularly. It's been six months since she last

went. It pains her very much not to go more often. As we grow older, it

seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could

accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to

all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We

offer a very friendly campground.

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS:

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

21. I Sold A Car To the Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

8. Please Bypass This Heart

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

6. You Done Stomped On My Heart And Mashed That Sucker Flat

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly

4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

...And the number one Country and Western song is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke

Up with a Few

[Sassy1natl 0]

This was done before geez feels we are going back wards not forward. Should have dug up the old joke thread and start from there.

Too late in the day to be grumpy...

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a

surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father

was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man

should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"

Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!

I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on

the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room

floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and

me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or

seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.

I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed

with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his

briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the

job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing

to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate!

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when

the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your

um...equipment ?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set

up my tripod so that we can get to work""Tripod?? "Oh yes, I have to

use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for

very long. Madam? Madam? ...Good Lord, she's fainted

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

Subject: Baseball has been very very good to me.

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 yr. old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy &the mother's lover

are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go

outside &toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold

them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,

$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to

church &make you confess."

They go to church &the father alerts the priest. Then he makes his son

sit in the confession booth & closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that chit again.

[Yiyi and Chris 0]

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister.

''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.''

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

[Yiyi and Chris 0]

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession he saw going down the street. Watching for a while, he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men and that it was led by a man holding a Doberman Pinscher on a leash.

When his curiosity got the better of him, Hank walked up to the man at the head of the line and said, "Please excuse me for the interruption in your time of grief, but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," said the mourner. Tightening the leash, he looked down at the dog and said, "My Doberman killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible," said Hank. "But...hmmm...is there any way you might lend me your dog for a day or two?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed over his shoulder, and said, "Get in line."

[Yiyi and Chris 0]

"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor." "Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?" "Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

[mRs StOcKwElL 1]

POSSIBLY THE BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR....

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: 'I don't have any money.' But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.'

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

'Anything?' he asked.

'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.

Well, then, 'Just follow me' said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

' Come in and close the door' the man said.

She did.

He then said 'Now get on your knees.'

She did.

'Now take down my zipper.'

She did.

'Now go ahead ... take it out.....' He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

'Well ... go ahead.'

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...

tentatively said ....

'Hello Mom, can you hear me?'

[Muh and me 18]

POSSIBLY THE BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR....

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: 'I don't have any money.' But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.'

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

'Anything?' he asked.

'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.

Well, then, 'Just follow me' said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

' Come in and close the door' the man said.

She did.

He then said 'Now get on your knees.'

She did.

'Now take down my zipper.'

She did.

'Now go ahead ... take it out.....' He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

'Well ... go ahead.'

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...

tentatively said ....

'Hello Mom, can you hear me?'

Here is a math question:

if you have 10 fish and 5 of them drown but 3 come back to life, how many fish do u have now?

Stop counting u dumbazz!!! Fish can't drown!!!