Thanks all for the congratulations!

[Nutty 2]

Yes, it's true we are coming up on the two month mark.

But as others have noted, it has not all been a bed of roses.

Truth be told, I am ragged with exhaustion. I lose my temper easily and feel at times overwhelmed. I feel ashamed for my outbursts. But it seems like all I do is cook, clean house, work 50 hour week, help him get used to being here and on top of this be a caregiver to an elderly shut in who is a stone alcoholic.

I am ready to collapse. Many instances where I need help and not getting it.

I am seeing a cardiologist because of chest pains (I have a heart problem)

[amal 4]

We love ya girl. Don't stress yourself out and definitely don't spoil him too much. Spoiling will only cause more difficulties later down the road. Let him adjust to the way you live and you can both tweak things as you both see fit. I learned quickly not to try to be super woman/mom/wife coz then his expectations were wayyyyyyyy too high when I slacked off and tried to relax. We still struggle with that a lot!

I'm always findable if you ever need to talk.

Take care

Amal

[polarbear 0]

We love ya girl. Don't stress yourself out and definitely don't spoil him too much. Spoiling will only cause more difficulties later down the road. Let him adjust to the way you live and you can both tweak things as you both see fit. I learned quickly not to try to be super woman/mom/wife coz then his expectations were wayyyyyyyy too high when I slacked off and tried to relax. We still struggle with that a lot!

I'm always findable if you ever need to talk.

Take care

Amal

I agree

Also try telling him when you need the help. Alot of times we expect them to see that we need help and to help pick up the load, but let's face it - men are a little dense and thick headed sometimes

It actually took me exploding at my husband and giving up for almost a week before he understood but now I actually feel guilty about how much he does around the house because he works hard too (probably harder).

[lion_lioness 0]

Amal hit it right on the head. I attempted the super woman thing and nipped it in the bud. Now instead of cooking 5x a week as a goal - it's 2x (and one of those is his turn). I stock up on canned soups and flatbread and things we can quickly make for ourselves. During Ramadan. however, I will cook 5x per week, but other than that...nope. Laundry gets dropped/picked up and I clean the house 1x a month if its dirty before then I will ask for assistance!

Your health is important.

[~~~water~~~ 0]

I agree I have never cleaned or worked this much in the house in all my life. my husband helps by not making a mess but the day to day things somehow all end up on my shoulders. I have had to cut back on the cooking as i just feel its to much to try and do it all. I He does do little things to help (the dishes here or there, watering the garden) and I do appreciate his effort. I have just had to lower my expectations and give myself a break cause between work and the chores of the house I feel exahusted.

I feel for you and having to be a caregiver on top of all the home responsibilities and work is enough to make anyone insane. hang in there i am sure things will improve!

Edited August 11, 2008 by ~~~water~~~

[maggieNomar 0]

Many of these MENA men come here with the expectation of how things are done because their mom/sister does all the housework BUT they don't have 40hr/wk jobs to do in addition! My husband thought we should go to the store every date like they did in his country so the food was fresh. Like others have said, set the stage now for how you want things. It will be hard to change later.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Aww, please take care of yourself.

As others said, it is totally ok not to be super woman! If you need his help, ask for it.

Do you have to take care of this "alcoholic shut in"? Taking care of an alcoholic is bad enough on its own. Couple that with everything else and its no wonder you are having chest pains

If you ever need to talk please feel free to pm me. (((hugs)))

Lisa

Btw I have to say,

Im so grateful to my mother in law.. she keeps giving speeches to my husband about helping me when he gets here because I work. hee hee and habibi has told me how mad he used to get at his dad for sitting around while his mom did everything around the house(she worked too)

[Nutty 2]

Some scenarios to explain:

We have a new apartment owner. I am month-to-month now (no lease). We (Abbas and I) thought it best not to let the new owner know he lives here in order to avoid renegotiating the lease. The reason: rent would increase and then they would ask to see how much I make per year (it is less than what i need to secure the apartment).

However, this situation of my hubby not being on the lease means he does not do the laundry, pick up the mail, take out the garbage (all because he does not want to be seen by the apartment manager).

Friday, after work, I had to walk to to the old man's house to change his bandages, walk to grocery store for food, carry home groceries (I don't have a car) and then having to do loads of laundry. I flipped my lid and started yelling. I said, "Your mother does a lot. But she doesn't spend 50 working at an office! And your sisters-in-law don't work and have washing machines INSIDE their houses!"

Then Sunday, I was running late for a friend's party. I asked Abbas to go to Trader Joes to buy a bottle of wine for a friend. He refused. I mean, it was not like we were going to drink it, it was a gift for a friend. And who the hell cares in Trader Joes if he buys it. Again, I blew my lid. And started yelling how he never helps!!!!!!

[Nutty 2]

Last night, after we got home from the party, I just broke down and started crying. Telling him that this life has changed me and that I want to go away. I am not good for him or even myself. I was so ashamed of my outbursts. And how I feel so physically bad (I just don't think he understands).

[Nutty 2]

The alcoholic, old man is truly alone (He's my ex apartment manager). He was in the hospital for three months and now needs bandages changed daily for a skin graft wound. I work in conjuction with some social workers.

Aww, please take care of yourself.

As others said, it is totally ok not to be super woman! If you need his help, ask for it.

Do you have to take care of this "alcoholic shut in"? Taking care of an alcoholic is bad enough on its own. Couple that with everything else and its no wonder you are having chest pains

If you ever need to talk please feel free to pm me. (((hugs)))

Lisa

Btw I have to say,

Im so grateful to my mother in law.. she keeps giving speeches to my husband about helping me when he gets here because I work. hee hee and habibi has told me how mad he used to get at his dad for sitting around while his mom did everything around the house(she worked too)

[Staashi 371]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tina))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) God bless you, you are in my prayers. May you have peace.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Some scenarios to explain:

We have a new apartment owner. I am month-to-month now (no lease). We (Abbas and I) thought it best not to let the new owner know he lives here in order to avoid renegotiating the lease. The reason: rent would increase and then they would ask to see how much I make per year (it is less than what i need to secure the apartment).

However, this situation of my hubby not being on the lease means he does not do the laundry, pick up the mail, take out the garbage (all because he does not want to be seen by the apartment manager).

Friday, after work, I had to walk to to the old man's house to change his bandages, walk to grocery store for food, carry home groceries (I don't have a car) and then having to do loads of laundry. I flipped my lid and started yelling. I said, "Your mother does a lot. But she doesn't spend 50 working at an office! And your sisters-in-law don't work and have washing machines INSIDE their houses!"

Then Sunday, I was running late for a friend's party. I asked Abbas to go to Trader Joes to buy a bottle of wine for a friend. He refused. I mean, it was not like we were going to drink it, it was a gift for a friend. And who the hell cares in Trader Joes if he buys it. Again, I blew my lid. And started yelling how he never helps!!!!!!

What a heavy load to carry honey.

So is there a game plan about the living situation? I mean, do you have a timeframe you are working with, then at least you can say to yourself: only ___ more months of this and everything will settle down. Do you have any friends or neighbors close by that can help you with transportation? like rides to the grocery store and laundry mat. Even making "laundry dates" with friends makes it easier. I used to do that when I had to go to the laundry mat, it made laundry more of an outing than such a chore.

Take some deep breathes when you feel like you're going to explode and take care of yourself. (I know easier said than done)

and remember, we're always here to listen when you want to rant

Lisa

[Y's_habibitk 2]

The alcoholic, old man is truly alone (He's my ex apartment manager). He was in the hospital for three months and now needs bandages changed daily for a skin graft wound. I work in conjuction with some social workers.

Aha. The social workers should get a homehealth agency involved. The hospital should not have discharged him with daily dressing changes! but they do that stuff all the time.

Take care of yourself and if its too much on you, tell the social worker and it will force them to find another option.

((hug)))

[MrsAmera 41]

I don't think you should feel bad for your outbursts. Honestly I think we all do it. I know I did (and still do almost 3 years later!) It's really difficult and you can only handle the burden for so long. I have another very good friend who is Moroccan and married to a Moroccan man and she deals with the same issues as I do. She works full time and they have a child and the everyday cooking/cleaning etc. She and I try to help out each other as much as we can and so far it works out really well. I also second what someone else said - you have to tell them they need to help or they don't get it and won't help.

[Nasturtium 500]

Awww, Nutty, I hope you feel better soon. This time is really hard. Please let us know how your cardiology visit goes.