Halt!

[Asante Maroon 0]

Also, not referring to you but others, does love equate to how much you are willing to show that love by going against everything you believe? Does that mean i love him less because of the things i am not willing to do? No, but by not understanding and accepting my stance it shows his unwillingness to accept me.

Everyone says " I dont know how it is in Africa, how hard life is, maybe because i have never been there. I consider myself pretty intelligent, try to keep abreast of world events, i know the situation in Africa. I lnow some resort to all types of things in order to better themselves, but does that make it right? What about those who choose instead to work hard and to do whatever to make sure their families are cared for, what evr job that may be.

Maybe I am missing the point, if there is one. This is about two people not one. yes, i am sure that this is a good man, sure he would be a great father and husband, but when the smoke clears and as I am coming down from my, " oh , he is wonderful, the best" high, i must face reality my reality. That reality is he is really no different from any other man, just from a different part of the world, that alone does not exempt him from pain and struggle.

Thanks

Hi Dana, I don't think that by going against what you believe is proof of your love for your SO. Everyone is or was in a different place at the petition stage of their process. For me, I was 100% sure of my SO's intentions and I think its fair to say that we understood each other. I just did not see the money issue the way that you see it and that's okay because you have different experiences that inform the way that you think and approach things. You also have a child to think about.

Keeping to your values are very important because your values are what makes you, you.

Maybe waiting until he can come up with the money for the process is the best thing to do, but it might mean a very long time before this process starts. I think that he might just understand and accept your stance but it it still does not relieve the sting from knowing that he may never have the chance to be with you because of his finances. Him not calling can mean him thinking things over and not necessarily that he does not respect your position. He may have come to the realization that if he cannot come up with the money on his own that your relationship might fall apart. Time can either bring you closer or drift you apart.

Again, I'm just trying to let you see the other side of the coin because you already know how you feel about the situation.

Also, just because you may have to help him with his fees does not mean it exempts him from his struggle. Africans are typically hard working people (at least all the Africans I know personally) and when they come to this country they will take on multiple jobs just so they can support their families. Everyday may be a struggle, but they are still able to maintain a smile and cool demeanor because they understand that this is "life"...their reality. So if your SO has not struck you as the lazy type, I don't think you should worry too much about that because its my belief that if he has been ambitious back home, more than likely he will be just as ambitious or more so (because of opportunities) here. You just got to go with your gut on this one...

I do think that you are missing my point and I don't want you to feel that I do not understand where you are coming from because I most certainly do. Once again I think you are scared and that is understandable....you are dealing with someone long long long distance and maybe you have these reservations for a reason deeper than just financial reasons. All the same you might be making the right decision by holding off for a bit and just reevaluating where things are.

Good luck to you again, mama.

P.S. ....GO WITH YOUR GUT!

[Ta Ta 1]

My SO is not able to find another job since the UN has pulled out of S/L. He had a good job for 6 years with them. Offices have been downsized but computer classes offered by the employer ( he does computer repair and radio telecommunication and operation )

for which the group did not have to pay. He took the class and bettered himself. He is always striving to find something, sends out applications, was even willing to apply to work in Dafur and Congo to which I said nooooooooooo. Tried to sell ice cream once with an old fixed up freezer...........that was a mess because of lack of electricity most of the time.

He will relocate to the capital this week in search of work because he said he can't stand being without work any longer. It hurts his ego.

We had agreed that I carry the funds for the visa costs, all through AOS because I have it and he doesn't. I mortgaged my home. I did what I had to do or it would have ended right there.

He will work his hiney off when he gets here and has work permission and pay all my debt off.

We are building a future together and while it is my turn now to get him here, he will more than make up for that expense later. My focus is not who pays for what but how do we accomplish our goal of a future together. This was the only way for us. I am comfortable with that.

I believe that he showed you effort and sincerity through the expense of extending his UK tourist visa. He drained his savings to make that happen unless I am misunderstanding that.

Since he has to "reestablish" himself in the UK again it will take some time to get funds together if he is supposed to pay for all himself.

One thing you have to be careful with and it pops up on VJ ever so often, be very careful with transferring money from him to you, it leaves a

paper trail no matter how you send it and does not look good for the interview.

Many have been accused during the process of having accepted money for payment of a visa.

That is a red flag for most CO"s and you will be investigated for it, possibly prolong the process with AP.

No matter if he tries to help, the embassy has their own agenda to follow.

Just another thought in the equation.

Pray and follow where God leads you !

[MrsRowe 2]

I am not part of this forum as i am from Guyana, South America, not Ghana but i my husband is still in Guyana where we are from. He does not work for a lot of money and the Guyanese Dollars mean nothing over here. I know that he cannot really help me here so i am the one shouldering the financial part of this process. I don't mind because i know that if he could help me he would. When i went home for our wedding, we shared everything and i know that i would have helped him with most of it then too just because i know how difficult it is at home. I don't complain about that either. No way would i get on a publicc forum and ask complete stranger's their opinion of him. I think the big issue here is that you need to decide if you really want to be in this relationship or not.

I wish you both well.

[K&A 0]

Dana, like you stated you are entitled to your own opinions and do not want any judegements from anyone.

Which brings me to my next question....why will you post your story and not expect all types of opinions, judegments, and reactions?

Well, here goes my opinion and for what it's worth it can be used as a way of keeping this posting going. Because it seems like before you posted you already had your mind made up, you WERE already not talking to him.

How are you and him going to reach a conclusion or compromise without communication? You stated that you still love him at the closing of your posting so that is the more reason why you and him should communicate UNLESS YOU have made your mind that you don't want to continue the relationship.

If you found out I belive alot of people on VJ especially the American Citizens HAD TO FOOT MOST OR MAJORITY OF THE BILL TO GET THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER HERE.

You should already know your man's financial standing WHILE YALL ARE DATING. I knew my NOW husband was no BILL GATES OR THE PRESIDENT'S SON..when we started dating so you can expect some financial burden IN THE VISA PROCESS.

In your situation you have a daughter who comes first....but, guess what you have a right to be happy and being in a loving relationship too. IF HE IS REALLY THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU...THEN $$$ SHOULDN'T BE THE ISSUE. THERE ARE ALOT OF PEOPLE ON VJ WHO HAD A KID OR CHILDREN BEFORE FINDING THEIR LOVED ONE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY AND I CAN BET A GOOD CRISP DOLLAR WITH A DEAD PRESIDENT THAT MOST OF THE FINANCIAL BURDEN OF THE WHOLE VISA PROCESS FELL ON THE AMERICAN CITIZEN.

SO LIKE I WROTE IN HIS POSTING...YOU AND HIM SHOULD JUST START TALKING AND REACH A COMPROMISE.

Edited August 11, 2008 by K&A

[chispas 0]

I am not part of this forum as i am from Guyana, South America, not Ghana but i my husband is still in Guyana where we are from. He does not work for a lot of money and the Guyanese Dollars mean nothing over here. I know that he cannot really help me here so i am the one shouldering the financial part of this process. I don't mind because i know that if he could help me he would. When i went home for our wedding, we shared everything and i know that i would have helped him with most of it then too just because i know how difficult it is at home. I don't complain about that either. No way would i get on a publicc forum and ask complete stranger's their opinion of him. I think the big issue here is that you need to decide if you really want to be in this relationship or not.

I wish you both well.

Mornin' Mrs. Rowe how are you? I agree with what you wrote about the finances and such because most of us here who are women have shouldered a large portion of the cost of bringing our spouses to the US.

The only thing is that Ms. Dana might not have another place to go where she can say exactly what is going on. (without having answer questions over and over) Although this is a public forum, sometimes family and friends don't quite understand the journey and frustrations and they can't help you when you are in a state of "visa" dispair. Other times it is better that those closest to you don't know the ins and out of your relationship either so a board like this can be the place to say what is on your mind and move on. She won't see any of us tomorrow nor will she have to worry that we will tell Auntie so and so, who will tell Miss "chat a lot" the next day.

Ciao

Chispas

[lovin_famo 0]

Dana, like you stated you are entitled to your own opinions and do not want any judegements from anyone.

Which brings me to my next question....why will you post your story and not expect all types of opinions, judegments, and reactions?

Well, here goes my opinion and for what it's worth it can be used as a way of keeping this posting going. Because it seems like before you posted you already had your mind made up, you WERE already not talking to him.

How are you and him going to reach a conclusion or compromise without communication? You stated that you still love him at the closing of your posting so that is the more reason why you and him should communicate UNLESS YOU have made your mind that you don't want to continue the relationship.

If you found out I belive alot of people on VJ especially the American Citizens HAD TO FOOT MOST OR MAJORITY OF THE BILL TO GET THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER HERE.

You should already know your man's financial standing WHILE YALL ARE DATING. I knew my NOW husband was no BILL GATES OR THE PRESIDENT'S SON..when we started dating so you can expect some financial burden IN THE VISA PROCESS.

In your situation you have a daughter who comes first....but, guess what you have a right to be happy and being in a loving relationship too. IF HE IS REALLY THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU...THEN $$$ SHOULDN'T BE THE ISSUE. THERE ARE ALOT OF PEOPLE ON VJ WHO HAD A KID OR CHILDREN BEFORE FINDING THEIR LOVED ONE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY AND I CAN BET A GOOD CRISP DOLLAR WITH A DEAD PRESIDENT THAT MOST OF THE FINANCIAL BURDEN OF THE WHOLE VISA PROCESS FELL ON THE AMERICAN CITIZEN.

SO LIKE I WROTE IN HIS POSTING...YOU AND HIM SHOULD JUST START TALKING AND REACH A COMPROMISE.

Did not say keep your opinions, just to not judge, imply, assume, whatever. You are entitled to yours, but guess what my daughter still comes first, check out her picture under my profile photos, isn't she lovely!

[lovin_famo 0]

I am not part of this forum as i am from Guyana, South America, not Ghana but i my husband is still in Guyana where we are from. He does not work for a lot of money and the Guyanese Dollars mean nothing over here. I know that he cannot really help me here so i am the one shouldering the financial part of this process. I don't mind because i know that if he could help me he would. When i went home for our wedding, we shared everything and i know that i would have helped him with most of it then too just because i know how difficult it is at home. I don't complain about that either. No way would i get on a publicc forum and ask complete stranger's their opinion of him. I think the big issue here is that you need to decide if you really want to be in this relationship or not.

I wish you both well.

Mornin' Mrs. Rowe how are you? I agree with what you wrote about the finances and such because most of us here who are women have shouldered a large portion of the cost of bringing our spouses to the US.

The only thing is that Ms. Dana might not have another place to go where she can say exactly what is going on. (without having answer questions over and over) Although this is a public forum, sometimes family and friends don't quite understand the journey and frustrations and they can't help you when you are in a state of "visa" dispair. Other times it is better that those closest to you don't know the ins and out of your relationship either so a board like this can be the place to say what is on your mind and move on. She won't see any of us tomorrow nor will she have to worry that we will tell Auntie so and so, who will tell Miss "chat a lot" the next day.

Ciao

Chispas

Thank you, for not rushing to judgement and for offering sound advice!

Dana

[lovin_famo 0]

My SO is not able to find another job since the UN has pulled out of S/L. He had a good job for 6 years with them. Offices have been downsized but computer classes offered by the employer ( he does computer repair and radio telecommunication and operation )

for which the group did not have to pay. He took the class and bettered himself. He is always striving to find something, sends out applications, was even willing to apply to work in Dafur and Congo to which I said nooooooooooo. Tried to sell ice cream once with an old fixed up freezer...........that was a mess because of lack of electricity most of the time.

He will relocate to the capital this week in search of work because he said he can't stand being without work any longer. It hurts his ego.

We had agreed that I carry the funds for the visa costs, all through AOS because I have it and he doesn't. I mortgaged my home. I did what I had to do or it would have ended right there.

He will work his hiney off when he gets here and has work permission and pay all my debt off.

We are building a future together and while it is my turn now to get him here, he will more than make up for that expense later. My focus is not who pays for what but how do we accomplish our goal of a future together. This was the only way for us. I am comfortable with that.

I believe that he showed you effort and sincerity through the expense of extending his UK tourist visa. He drained his savings to make that happen unless I am misunderstanding that.

Since he has to "reestablish" himself in the UK again it will take some time to get funds together if he is supposed to pay for all himself.

One thing you have to be careful with and it pops up on VJ ever so often, be very careful with transferring money from him to you, it leaves a

paper trail no matter how you send it and does not look good for the interview.

Many have been accused during the process of having accepted money for payment of a visa.

That is a red flag for most CO"s and you will be investigated for it, possibly prolong the process with AP.

No matter if he tries to help, the embassy has their own agenda to follow.

Just another thought in the equation.

Pray and follow where God leads you !

Well received! Thanks!

Dana

[K&A 0]

Dana, like you stated you are entitled to your own opinions and do not want any judegements from anyone.

Which brings me to my next question....why will you post your story and not expect all types of opinions, judegments, and reactions?

Well, here goes my opinion and for what it's worth it can be used as a way of keeping this posting going. Because it seems like before you posted you already had your mind made up, you WERE already not talking to him.

How are you and him going to reach a conclusion or compromise without communication? You stated that you still love him at the closing of your posting so that is the more reason why you and him should communicate UNLESS YOU have made your mind that you don't want to continue the relationship.

If you found out I belive alot of people on VJ especially the American Citizens HAD TO FOOT MOST OR MAJORITY OF THE BILL TO GET THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER HERE.

You should already know your man's financial standing WHILE YALL ARE DATING. I knew my NOW husband was no BILL GATES OR THE PRESIDENT'S SON..when we started dating so you can expect some financial burden IN THE VISA PROCESS.

In your situation you have a daughter who comes first....but, guess what you have a right to be happy and being in a loving relationship too. IF HE IS REALLY THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU...THEN $$$ SHOULDN'T BE THE ISSUE. THERE ARE ALOT OF PEOPLE ON VJ WHO HAD A KID OR CHILDREN BEFORE FINDING THEIR LOVED ONE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY AND I CAN BET A GOOD CRISP DOLLAR WITH A DEAD PRESIDENT THAT MOST OF THE FINANCIAL BURDEN OF THE WHOLE VISA PROCESS FELL ON THE AMERICAN CITIZEN.

SO LIKE I WROTE IN HIS POSTING...YOU AND HIM SHOULD JUST START TALKING AND REACH A COMPROMISE.

Did not say keep your opinions, just to not judge, imply, assume, whatever. You are entitled to yours, but guess what my daughter still comes first, check out her picture under my profile photos, isn't she lovely!

LIKE I STATED BEFORE ... YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR MIND MADE UP BEFORE POSTING. YOU SAID DON'T KEEP YOUR OPINIONS, BUT IF WE ARE GIVING OPINIONS WE ARE ALSO GIVING OUR JUDGUMENT AND ASSUMPTIONS BASED ON YOUR POSTING...IT'S THE SAME THING. OPINION OR ASSUMPTION WHATEVER.

ANYWAYS, YOUR DAUGHTER IS BEAUTIFUL, AND I DID STATE SHE IS STILL FIRST PRIORITY, BUT YOU ARE ENTITLED TO LOVE TOO AND MONEY SHOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE. YOUR MAN IS NOT BILL GATES, AND YOU WONT BE THE FIRST PERSON ON VJ WHO HAD TO FOOT MOST OF THE BILL TO GET THEIR LOVED ONE HERE. IF YOUR HAVING COLD FEET THEN THAT IS IT.

YOU POSTED YOUR STORY ON VJ A PUBLIC FORUM WITH MANY DIFFERENT OPINIONATED VIEWERS AND YOU ARE NOT GONNA LIKE ALL THE REPLYS BUT IT WILL BE POSTED. YOU DO NOT WANT ANY NEGATIVE OR REPLYS NOT TO YOUR LIKENING THEN DO NOT POST YOUR BUSINESS OR STORY IS ALL I'M SAYING.

NOT TALKING TO YOUR MAN IS NOT GOING TO SOLVE THE MONEY ISSUE OR YOUR PROBLEMS. YOU NEED TO DECIDE IS IT REALLY ABOUT THE MONEY OR YOU JUST GETTING COLD FEET.

[Ban Hammer 13,509]

[stevi1123 0]

Dear Lovin_famo,

I welcome you to send me a PM. We can communicate privately on this issue if you would like to. I am also engaged to a Nigerian man who lives in London, and have been so for quite a while. Any info that I have to share, I am more than willing to do so.

But not in such a public "forum." Ok?

Stevi

[reeses16 8]

OP,

I don't know your past story, only what you posted today. If you want to continue your relationship with your fiance I think you both should begin honest talks about money and the expectations that you both have for earning, spending it, and saving it. It should be a continual conversation between the two of you.

I think its important for you to know why you don't want to pay his visa fees. I'm not suggesting you post these reasons (or that you must pay for his visa), just think about it. Is it because you feel that as a man he should have that responsibility? Is it because your financial situation doesn't allow you to do so right now? If you think its his responsibility alone you may want to talk with him, find out where he spends his money. London is expensive, unless he's there on a work visa, he's probably not supposed to be working in the first place. You mentioned that he saving money for Nigeria (I'm not sure if you meant that he's sending money home to family or saving for his return trip to Nigeria); but whatever the case it seems like he may have some financial goals that are not a priority for you but are important to him.

If you love your SO, it does not mean that you MUST pay his fees. You are a mother first, your daughter is your priority.

I also want to remind you that they issues over money will continue once he gets here. It will mostly likely take your SO a while to find a job. While he is waiting for his work permit or to be hired, he will still have to eat, need medical insurance, clothes, etc. Will you feel like he is taking advantage of you then? If you concerns are only about money and not the relationship, keep in mind that things will change...eventually. My hubby and I were extremely blessed. When he first got here, I didn't have a lot of money and things were tight. It took a few months for him to find a job and many more to find a job where he was happy. He's been here in the US a little over a year now. And because of his hard work (and mine) we have managed to pay off most of our credit card debt, live comfortably, and establish a long term savings account; all of which we could not have done on a single income.

Just a few things to think over. Please be encouraged! I'm sure a solution can be found if the two of you are committed to finding a one.

Edited August 11, 2008 by reeses16

[His Glory 25]

"I also want to remind you that they issues over money will continue once he gets here. It will mostly likely take your SO a while to find a job. While he is waiting for his work permit or to be hired, he will still have to eat, need medical insurance, clothes, etc. Will you feel like he is taking advantage of you then? If you concerns are only about money and not the relationship, keep in mind that things will change...eventually. My hubby and I were extremely blessed. When he first got here, I didn't have a lot of money and things were tight. It took a few months for him to find a job and many more to find a job where he was happy. He's been here in the US a little over a year now. And because of his hard work (and mine) we have managed to pay off most of our credit card debt, live comfortably, and establish a long term savings account; all of which we could not have done on a single income."

I agree with this. If you are finding it unreasonable now it may be too difficult to bare later. You will both be unhappily married. He may not be in a position to pay the fees and now he realizes that pursuing a relationship with you means that he may never have the money to be with you so he may having to readjust his emotions now, just as you are having to....or he is just pouting. Which makes it easier for you to make the decision to let it go. my two cents.

[idocare 3]

Think, think, think

[K&A 0]

OP,

I don't know your past story, only what you posted today. If you want to continue your relationship with your fiance I think you both should begin honest talks about money and the expectations that you both have for earning, spending it, and saving it. It should be a continual conversation between the two of you.

I think its important for you to know why you don't want to pay his visa fees. I'm not suggesting you post these reasons (or that you must pay for his visa), just think about it. Is it because you feel that as a man he should have that responsibility? Is it because your financial situation doesn't allow you to do so right now? If you think its his responsibility alone you may want to talk with him, find out where he spends his money. London is expensive, unless he's there on a work visa, he's probably not supposed to be working in the first place. You mentioned that he saving money for Nigeria (I'm not sure if you meant that he's sending money home to family or saving for his return trip to Nigeria); but whatever the case it seems like he may have some financial goals that are not a priority for you but are important to him.

If you love your SO, it does not mean that you MUST pay his fees. You are a mother first, your daughter is your priority.

I also want to remind you that they issues over money will continue once he gets here. It will mostly likely take your SO a while to find a job. While he is waiting for his work permit or to be hired, he will still have to eat, need medical insurance, clothes, etc. Will you feel like he is taking advantage of you then? If you concerns are only about money and not the relationship, keep in mind that things will change...eventually. My hubby and I were extremely blessed. When he first got here, I didn't have a lot of money and things were tight. It took a few months for him to find a job and many more to find a job where he was happy. He's been here in the US a little over a year now. And because of his hard work (and mine) we have managed to pay off most of our credit card debt, live comfortably, and establish a long term savings account; all of which we could not have done on a single income.

Just a few things to think over. Please be encouraged! I'm sure a solution can be found if the two of you are committed to finding a one.

" I LOVE WHAT YOU SAID....REALLY WELL SAID...THAT IS ADVISE I AM TAKING FOR MYSELF, WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IT IS AN UP AND DOWN SLOPE. AND WHEN IT FINALLY BECOMES TWO INCOME WORKING TOWARDS A COMMON GOAL, THAT IS EVEN BETTER. THANK YOU FOR SHARING!"