married alittle over a year and just got her kids here

[GREEN/TRAN 0]

my wifes kids came to usa after she had been here for one year. everything was great before except little things like her working 16 hours a day and the girl from chinese chef insisting on living with us. but now her kids are here and i didnt know before hand that vietnamese kids sleep with there mom.i feel almost more alone than i ever did now and she agreed to only work 4 days a week from 10 till 4 but after one day it became 9 till 530 or 6 and six days a week. i work third shift and now i am watching the kids while she works, taking her to work soon as i am home and picking her up after she gets off and trying to get a decent nap so i can stay awake all night. but on weekends when i think we will have some my time it doesnt happen everyone is speaking vietnamese and if "uncle frank" isnt entertaining then im on my own . do all vietnamese kids sleep with her mom and husband sleep on floor or another bed?? I ve explained my feelings to her and she says she understands but theres still some days when i cant get a peck on the cheek

[martindart 0]

my wifes kids came to usa after she had been here for one year. everything was great before except little things like her working 16 hours a day and the girl from chinese chef insisting on living with us. but now her kids are here and i didnt know before hand that vietnamese kids sleep with there mom.i feel almost more alone than i ever did now and she agreed to only work 4 days a week from 10 till 4 but after one day it became 9 till 530 or 6 and six days a week. i work third shift and now i am watching the kids while she works, taking her to work soon as i am home and picking her up after she gets off and trying to get a decent nap so i can stay awake all night. but on weekends when i think we will have some my time it doesnt happen everyone is speaking vietnamese and if "uncle frank" isnt entertaining then im on my own . do all vietnamese kids sleep with her mom and husband sleep on floor or another bed?? I ve explained my feelings to her and she says she understands but theres still some days when i cant get a peck on the cheek

I just asked my wife about this and she said this is somewhat true due to the number of beds a family has in Vietnam. How old are the kids?

I feel for you but you must take a stand on this matter of sleeping. As far as all speaking Vietnamese around you... "Welcome to the family" =-)

[chuckb 0]

Good Luck to you, Asian culture isn't American. I'm sure it will work out in time. You both have to adjust and find a compromise that works for both of you. Ain't always easy, but the end result, Awesome!

Cheers

[STEPHnRIA 2]

Oh no! I am Asian, a single mom and my son is so used to sleeping beside me. But I know things will have to change when I get to be with my fiancee in the US. Its true... its the Asian culture. You will be amazed with Asian single moms. They think they have to do everything for their kids... work 24/7 and pamper them. They barely have time for themselves, much more to their husbands. The key is to talk to her and explain that you are her partner, so you should be a team. She will have to adjust to American culture cuz she married an American and well...she is in America. Now about the "conversations in Vietnamese"- eventually the kids will go to school and they will learn to speak english fast. Sooner or later, your wife will be the only one speaking in Vietnamese.

[Dakine 26]

Get kids their own room ASAP. Make English the "home" language.

If you don't you will be left out in right field. Not good for a relationship.

[GREEN/TRAN 0]

my wifes kids came to usa after she had been here for one year. everything was great before except little things like her working 16 hours a day and the girl from chinese chef insisting on living with us. but now her kids are here and i didnt know before hand that vietnamese kids sleep with there mom.i feel almost more alone than i ever did now and she agreed to only work 4 days a week from 10 till 4 but after one day it became 9 till 530 or 6 and six days a week. i work third shift and now i am watching the kids while she works, taking her to work soon as i am home and picking her up after she gets off and trying to get a decent nap so i can stay awake all night. but on weekends when i think we will have some my time it doesnt happen everyone is speaking vietnamese and if "uncle frank" isnt entertaining then im on my own . do all vietnamese kids sleep with her mom and husband sleep on floor or another bed?? I ve explained my feelings to her and she says she understands but theres still some days when i cant get a peck on the cheek

the kids are 8 and 10 . they have there own room but she sleeps in it with them. hopefully things will work out over time .ill try it her way for some time till the kids get adjusted here

[Icarus 0]

Hey Frank! Everything you've described so far are all things I've noticed or encountered too and ALL ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL in the vietnamese culture. My step brother was 1

[sara..... 371]

hmm well im sure part of it is culture but also she has been away from her kids for a year?........im sure that was the longest year of her and the children's lifes and they are in a culture now they know nothing about im pretty sure things will calm down after they get used to being here and she can finally feel comfort that her children are here.........when we went to pakistan i remember my mom sleeping with us because we felt so uncomfortable in a new culture we didnt understand anything in it or the language.....after getting used to the way of life there and started picking up the language we felt more comfortable and more at home so after some time she slept in her own room sometimes just a few times aweek then after that finally all the time(we are not easy to sleep with cuz we all want to hog the bed lol) anyway just give it some time and work on ur life and the new additions everything takes time good luck and will put u in my prayers

sara

[Icarus 0]

ok, I got cut off on my edit My stepbro was 10 when he got here and was completely freaked out to sleep alone. In fact, he slept outside my dads room curled up on the floor for the first few weeks...Heck! Even now, 4 years later, he sneaks into his moms bed while my dad is working late (2 nights a week). It's scared the hell out of my dad a few times when he's getting home at 2am and sees a large figure jump out of bed and dash down the hall!

Seriously, tho, all the things you mention in your post are all perfect normal, and as you all adapt to life together, you will find your comfort zone too! And soon, you'll be napping alongside the kids too! GOOD LUCK!

Edited August 10, 2008 by Icarus

[island_princess 2]

Before I came here in the US, I somewhat oriented my 5 y.o (then) daughter with the American culture. One of them - the sleeping arrangements. All throughout her 5 years of existence, she was sleeping beside me. To break this habit, my husband put together a very kid-enticing room for her - nice bed, night light, disney character inspired pillows, etc. Since day 1 in the US, my daughter learned to sleep alone in her bed. Of course, I read stories to her to put her to sleep...and it works.

[island_princess 2]

About the language, children are sponges. They learn very fast. It only took my daughter 10 months to really speak and understand it. And she is not an English speaker when she arrives here..so don't worry too much about that.

Tell your wife to speak English when speaking to the kids. That should be the house rule.

[Dau_Que 0]

my wifes kids came to usa after she had been here for one year. everything was great before except little things like her working 16 hours a day and the girl from chinese chef insisting on living with us. but now her kids are here and i didnt know before hand that vietnamese kids sleep with there mom.i feel almost more alone than i ever did now and she agreed to only work 4 days a week from 10 till 4 but after one day it became 9 till 530 or 6 and six days a week. i work third shift and now i am watching the kids while she works, taking her to work soon as i am home and picking her up after she gets off and trying to get a decent nap so i can stay awake all night. but on weekends when i think we will have some my time it doesnt happen everyone is speaking vietnamese and if "uncle frank" isnt entertaining then im on my own . do all vietnamese kids sleep with her mom and husband sleep on floor or another bed?? I've explained my feelings to her and she says she understands but theres still some days when i cant get a peck on the cheek

I'm no expert in family counseling but I see an alarm in the BOLD last part of your comment. My prediction: She will win and you WILL learn to accept it or else.

PS. In my post in the other thread, I commented: First couple years after her arrival here in the US, you talk, she listens (not that she wants to, but she pretends for the bigger fish in her mind, the Green card). Once the Green card is in her hands, take a wild guess who will listen to whom more often?

When she respects you, you don't have to ask and tell her to do anything. She's an adult and has her own observations. To me, her kids or you, who is more valuable to her, it's all a matter of perspective.

[2ond journey 0]

I think once the kids start going to school and relize that thier school-mates dont sleep with thier parents they may not want to do that anymore. They seem to like to follow what thier friends are doing. I would think that it won't last too long.

[Jack & Xuan 0]

I am American and when I was deployed to Japan with the US Marines for a year my son was only 8 months old. When I got back after Desert Storm was over my son had his second birthday a few days later. I remember times when I would just go watch him sleep after being separated for so long. There were also times when I would be napping on the couch and I would wake up with him sleeping ON me. There would be times when we would visit a friends house an I would lay on the floor to watch TV when he was about 4 years old and he would lay ON me to watch TV. I think it is very normal for parents who have been separated from their children for long periods of time to over compensate. About the conversations, have you tried to learn Vietnamese? It would seem the opportunity is very good for you to practice and I am sure it would make you more interesting to the children and your wife if you tried to learn their language. Being in America I am sure HOME will be the only place they will feel comfortable to speak in their native tongue. What you describe as a lack of attention from your wife, that is something you will want to decide how to deal with. I may be a bit out of touch when I say it is hard for me to believe that a woman who loves you from Vietnam would not show you an abundance of attention. Especially compared to an American woman.

Just a few thoughts.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

1. This cannot last forever. It's not healthy for your relationship.

2. Compromise and let is last for now, but make it clear that change is afoot. You cannot change 100% for her. That isn't fair. It needs to go both ways. Believce me, I have my wars with my wife on the change thing. There is onsly so much a man can give before he sayd, hey, it's give and take, not give and give and give again.

3. The kids need their own very cool, very hip, very fun room. It's great they have their own room now, but make it super cool for them.

4. Mom has to slowly get the kids to sleep on their own. At 8 and 10, it's time. My wife, who is 100% Vietnamese, stopped sleeping with her parents around 6 or 7.

5. Get these kids into English lessons NOW. Get them to school where they have no choice but to speak English. They will learn best that way.

Hopefully your wife will realize how hard this is on you and that it is like a knife in the heart. You are American and as an American expect to be able to share that sleep time with your wife. It's a common western way of bonding. To go without is not something most can handle.

Edited August 11, 2008 by Matt_Stevens