Multi-faith marriages and marriage ceremony

[saraandiffy 0]

I'm looking for some advice about what others have done when marrying someone outside of your own religion. My fiance entered the US at the beginning of May on a K-1. He is muslim and I am christian. We, ideally, want to have a joint wedding ceremony with a minister and an imam however, we are having a lot more trouble with this than we originally thought it would be. It is really important to my fiance to have a muslim ceremony and I am flexible with having only a muslim ceremony, not a christian one, if that would make things easier. However, because my fiance is new to the area (Seattle), he does not know the muslim community here very well and we are finding that phonecalls don't get returned or that imams feel uncomfortable with our situation. I was just wondering what others have done in this situation or whether anyone else has had this experience and mostly, how you have dealt with it. Thanks for any advice and experiences you can share!

[UmmSqueakster 54]

At the bare minimum, an islamic marriage doesn't need to be presided over by an Imam. After all, an Imam is simply whoever is chosen to lead prayers that day, although here in the US, they increasingly take on more official roles in running the masjid. All that is needed are two muslim male witnesses, a contract and the consent of both parties. If you can't find a muslim who is certified by the state to certify your marriage, might I suggest a civil ceremony with a judge, and then an unofficial ceremony that follow the precepts of Islam? Right out a contract, state in front of two witnesses that you accept each other for marriage, and wa'llah, it's a muslim marriage ok in the eyes of God.

If he's from the UK, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he's indian or pakistani, and that his family probably wants to have a huuuuuuuuuuuge party. To solemnize your marriage, maybe after the AOS process is finished, you guys could go to england and have the whole traditional shebang.

My nikkah was presided over by a local muslim man who had standing in the community and who was authorized by the state of Minnesota to perform marriages. It was really low key. We met with him on Friday at noon, attended jummah prayer, and afterwards, we exchanged vows. We pulled two random guys out of the congregation to be our witnesses, and one of them ended up becoming a friend of my husband.

[saraandiffy 0]

Yes, my fiance is from the UK and yes, he is Pakistani. Our hope is to go to London after AOS and have a "real" wedding ceremony for his family there.

I just wanted to say that I am really thankful for your reply and am curious to know how you located the person who performed your nikkah. Our biggest problem right now is trying to figure out where to even start looking for someone to do the ceremony. We have been calling various mosques with little luck so far! I would love to do something similar to what you described with the idea of having a "low key" ceremony now and something larger later on.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Well, I didn't have any trouble finding someone, but then again, we didn't have the whole interfaith marriage issue since we're both muslim.

What are the responses you've been getting? I would guess that they're reluctant to perform an interfaith ceremony, because in the case of a divorce (God forbid, not saying that will happen in your case), the woman will most likely retain custody of the kids and then they'd be raised not muslim. Which raises a whole other train of thought and a little piece of advice - decide now how you plan on raising any future kids and get it in writing. I've seen a lot of interfaith marriages end unhappily because the parties changed their minds re: kid rearing after the kids were born.

Ok, back to the original topic at hand - maybe call the county that you're getting married in and ask for a list of officients? I think everyone who is authorized to perform marriages should be listed.

And, if you can't find anyone, there's always the two witnesses unofficial route to take.

Good luck and enjoy the Pakistani wedding! I wish I could have had one of those.

[saraandiffy 0]

The reponses that we have had have been either no response at all despite lots of voicemails, emails, etc. or a hesitance to get involved - not outright rejection. Mostly it has been, as you said, concern about the marriage not being able to last. We have had a lot of stories shared with us about personal experiences of failed interfaith marriages. From our point of view, we understand the concern that others have and I don't at all want to belittle this concern. On the other hand, I wish there could be optimism towards our relationship versus skepticism but in today's climate, I can definitely understand why there is concern.

I will try contacting the county to see if there is a list of names of officiants. I didn't think of that before but will try that avenue. Thank you so much for your postings!

[almaty 19]

both muslims/./we did a civil ceremony..

[Reba 2]

can you do just a civil ceremony just for now, until you can get back to England for the big religious ceremony?

Not very romantic of course, but its an option, in case you can't find a Muslim officiant here.

Edited May 19, 2006 by Reba

[zyggy 9]

can you do just a civil ceremony just for now, until you can get back to England for the big religious ceremony?

Not very romantic of course, but its an option, in case you can't find a Muslim officiant here.

Agree with Reba... I would have just a Civil Ceremony with a subsequent religious ceremony at a later date...

[saraandiffy 0]

We may have to consider this. The reason we haven't is that the religious part of the ceremony is important to both my fiance, and to his family who I believe see the religious aspect as necessary even if we do a larger ceremony later. It is difficult when you are trying to please lots of people!

[luvaLimey 0]

Interfaith marriages can work, but it takes a lot of compromise on both parts.

I have a friend whose father in Muslim, and whose mother is LDS. Their kids were raised in both religions: they would all go as a family to the Mosque on Fridays (even his wife), and she would take her kids to church with her on Sundays. They have been married for quite a while, and most of their 7 children are fully grown and have made their own decisions about religion. That marriage worked becuase they loved each other, and were able to compromise and agree on the fundamental issues regarding the raising of their kids and the living of their lives every day.

[Donna A 4]

i am christian and my husband is muslim. we had a civil cermony in syria which i hated. never felt married since they never asked do i take this man and does he take me. so when he got to the states we went to a mosque in cleveland to take our vowels. they were glad to do it and 2 men at the mosque witnessed everything. we tried to go to the mosque my husband goes to and they really didnt want to do it for some reason so thats why we went someplace else.