How do you stay secure in a long distance relationship?

[Aymsgirl 0]

When you are apart you let your mind wander about what they are doing. Not that you shouldn't be smart and keep your eyes and ears open. Just do not let it consume you. Do not spend your time reading bad outcomes or feeding into anything negative. We went through separation during my pregnancy and birth of our son and it was extremely difficult. I wanted and needed him there so badly to support me during that time. He would try and get online as much as his work schedule allowed him to and sometimes we just had to hear each other's voices. There were times where I would call he would pick up and right away I would cry for him. This didn't help, he became depressed, thinking he would never know our son, so I had to learn to control myself. We then said we can't live like this so we set dates and goals for visits. It helped to have something to look forward to. We kept honest with each other and kept each other informed of what was going on in each others lives. We prayed a lot and had to put our faith in God that he would bring two people that loved each other together and make our family complete.

Everyday you are apart is a day closer to being together. Once he is here and you are together you will remember the pain but forget how bad it hurt. Stay on VJ and take the support these people offer. They are wonderful and many a night were they the ones that got me through this time. Everybody here seems to be giving you great advice. Take care and I pray this journey will soon unite you and your loved one.

Tasha

[RAKASA 0]

For us, communication was the key. We talked online or on the phone most days (I never understood how people could spend 6, 8, 10+ hours online - thank God we both were too busy for that sort of thing). We both stayed busy w/ work and our families.

We would call and text each other to wake each other up for the day of work ahead. COMMUNICATE..... and practice patience - you'll need plenty of it when he gets here anyway.

[Aymsgirl 0]

For us, communication was the key. We talked online or on the phone most days (I never understood how people could spend 6, 8, 10+ hours online - thank God we both were too busy for that sort of thing). We both stayed busy w/ work and our families.

We would call and text each other to wake each other up for the day of work ahead. COMMUNICATE..... and practice patience - you'll need plenty of it when he gets here anyway.

I second that one sister!

[Devkpaik 1]

For us, communication was the key. We talked online or on the phone most days (I never understood how people could spend 6, 8, 10+ hours online - thank God we both were too busy for that sort of thing). We both stayed busy w/ work and our families.

We would call and text each other to wake each other up for the day of work ahead. COMMUNICATE..... and practice patience - you'll need plenty of it when he gets here anyway.

I second that one sister!

I definitely agree that communicating constantly is huge. My fiance and I talk on the phone about 3 times EVERY DAY. There hasn't been a single day where we haven't talked on the phone at least twice.

Also I spent about a year living with her in her country as well when I was studying abroad at her college.

Also, this process can really get you down, put you in a bad mood, and weigh heavily on your mind. It's important to not let this happen and affect your daily mood. Staying positive everyday will definitely ease the process.

Good luck.

[marcuskelli 0]

The only advise I have is to pray for patience, LOTS of it.

A great friend of mine, God rest her soul, used to always say - "never pray for patience...because God will give you patience in spades. He'll make you wait forever testing your patience. Instead, pray for wisdom that you might understand the situation at hand."

Just my two little cents.

Thats a great quote and very profound for all of us going through this life changing experience. Its not easy no matter what the situation. I guess for me its those moments when you look in the mirror and you look your worst and you feel your worst and you KNOW that your signifigant other would look at you and melt anyways. I always try to think of that. How much he loves me, how much he cares for me, and that if he could be anywhere else in the world, he would be right here with me.

I know our situations could never compare, but have faith that he loves you.... It will all work out in the end.

[maggieNomar 0]

I think what M4E said about understanding the different situations (we tend to work all day and the time passes faster for us) and trying to be supportive of their NOT understanding our crazy system is an important part of being successful through this. Try to talk about how life will be when he gets here (talking about culture differences, how to apply for jobs, things like that) helps them to pass the time. Good luck with your journey.

[ladybee 0]

I am going to say communication all the time even if its just to say hi, and trust just trust him or her as much as you can tell each other you love him/her. And i send pictures and surprizes to my love.

[SterlingGirl 1]

We simply look at each other as our greatest allies in this situation, rather than enemies. We both remember that this whole process is VERY new to both of us, and it goes a lot easier if we navigate hand-in-hand rather than back-to-back.

It helps us, and me especially, to know that I am part of a bigger picture for my fiance. He is a writer, and I know that getting into the U.S. will be beneficial to him in his industry - his greatest reason for moving is me, of course, but the added boost of better proximity to important events in his field and an overall better lifestyle help add even more reinforcement. I know he probably COULD just give up at any moment, but I know he won't. I know in my marrow he won't.

Besides, we don't dwell on it. Sure, we miss each other dreadfully and often convey that to one another, but we're also aware that we have lives - including the loose ends thereof to tie up - and that, as long as we're on schedule with sending in the needed papers and going through the necessary steps, we're going to be together. There's no "if" with us, only when. We've learned to take advantage of what time we have left with our present lives - his ability to see his best friend or grandparents when he wants to, certain food that isn't commonly available in the U.S., etc. And my having my home to just myself and my son, closet space I don't have to share, weekends that are spent completely with my child or my friends, and other things that will probably experience big adjustments once he's settled in.

All things considered, it's been a breeze.

Edited August 12, 2008 by SterlingGirl

[Morning Sunshine 0]

Sometimes it is best to avoid the topic of the visa unless it is absolutely necessary in order to prevent hard feelings amongst the two of you. I know when my husband and I start talking on the visa topic, everything goes downhill from there. Just constantly remind each other of how much in love the two of you are and how you enjoyed being together. Also, if you feel a fight coming on pretend your calling card is about to go out (if you are using one) say you love your significant other and then hang up. Try to avoid conflict at all costs. Also, try to make some friends in similar situations to help you cope with this trying time. Long distance relationship are not easy, but then again NO relationship is easy so if you love the person try to make it work and place your worries in the hands of God and pray egularly for peace in your relationship. Good luck!

Oddly enough, I think I was more secure when the relationship was long distance. There wasn't any of the day to day drama going on, ya know? We talked online almost everyday, unless work or illness prevented it, for the 7 months prior to our marriage, and for the nine months before he got his visa. We talked by phone for a few minutes everyday after our marriage. Hearing his voice somehow made me stay sane.

For me, the bad and the hard came after he got here. The differences in the cultures, getting to KNOW each others strengths and weakness', just the daily grind, those problems came after he got here. LOL

Somehow, we have faced all of this, talked thru lots of stuff, and we are still together and love each other still.

[b4byd09 0]

if you love someone and they know you do they will always be yours ragardless how far you live from each other. But i also preffer calling your loved one twice a week atleast, sending gifts once in a while, love letters, I love you cards, chat, emails and maybe do what I did. I have metro pcs free international texting. I send her I love you everyday morning and night not to mention tons of poetry I send when i have time. I tell her how I feel about her and I miss her. I tease her once in a while asking her questions that makes her smile over the text messages. When you love someone it comes from heart. you dont have to make it up to keep it up. Respects.

[Sandrila 1]

I often wonder if other couples experience this type of despair and frustration.

They must.

I feel we are in that position now and often thinking what if this doesnt happen?

I know the waiting, the uncertainty and hard time is more for my husband there.

It is hard

#1 having a long distance relationship

#2 reassuring our spouses

#3 keeping hope during this long process

I feel it is normal and I agree that you must pray and stay strong

I believe if we make it through all this, we can make it through anything

[ChuckandOlga 0]

I was lurking thru the forums and I came across this post. I want to give you all any positive feed back that I can : )

It is very normal to let our minds wander with the unknown. But there is one basic fact, we all have met someone we want to spend the rest of our natural lives with and to be able to smile at one another when we are 80 years old. Hell it would be a great gift to make love when we are 80 years old too : )

What we have to think of is what can we do now to help our future husbands and wives or our now husbands and wives. I myself would do anything for my soon to be wife when she is feeling depressed or from the spur of the moment I would ask her if she was a "good girl" this week or today. Olga would probably have a look on her face... this is an odd question face and she would say yes of coarse I have been a good girl. I would then tell her how much money do you think you would need to make a great supper for the family and she would tell me. I would then tell her take out $20.00 extra and buy a bottle of wine also. Twenty dollars USD is equaled to $100.00 in Ukraine : )

But in all of this I thought I had great patients before I met Olga... I was wrong! This is one of the hardest tasks I had to do in my life is to wait and wait and wait even more. I think God will give to us only what we can endure but he also teaches us in the process. This process my friends we are being thought something, embrace it and learn from it. We will need it later in the future when the bad times come just as it does in any relationship.

As much as even right now I would like to call CSC and to tell them to go screw them selfs for being slackers, in a way they are helping me to find and understand what patients is all about. Perhaps we too should think about the things we do that may cause doubt in someones mind and to change this for the people we love. After all I would expect Olga to do this for me ; )