How do you stay secure in a long distance relationship?

[bassim's baby 0]

When I met my Iraqi fiance online, he was living in Italy while attending school. We met there and spent a month living together. When I left him in Italy, I was so sure that our love was strong and nothing could change that.

Now he is back in his country...and it is already so hard. I cannot contact him anytime I want anymore. When I talk to him, he is so depressed and upset about the life in his country. We fight almost every time we talk about the visa process and how long it will take.

I know that right now, he is just stressed and frustrated. I am too.

I just want to know what you all do. How do you cope with it? I still feel like I could wait as long as I need to, but I worry more and more every day that he will just give up on the whole thing...our dreams...all of it.

I no longer feel secure in our relationship. What seemed unbreakable before is quickly faltering.

Did anyone else have similar situations? How did you overcome hard times like this? What can I say to him?

Thank you in advance for your input.

I hope you have a pleasant day.

[Nagishkaw 510]

Place it in God's hands.

[morocco4ever 63]

It isn't easy, but it is doable. When my husband was ready to throw up his hands on the entire process I let him know he could walk away anytime he wanted, I would not beg or plead him to work it out. He wanted me to sell everything and go there, I said no to that as well. I told him that I love him, and if he can't handle this I would never force him to try. Given a little space he would calm down and tell me that he didn't want to give up, he wanted to be with me. So we proceeded.

It was easier for me to handle the wait than it was for him. He didn't work, I did. I knew our system, and how to deal with it, he didn't.

Your love for each other will need to be strong. This is a real test of your love. Hang in there and be patient, loving, and understanding of his feelings. It all works out for the best in the end.

[polarbear 0]

It isn't easy, but it is doable. When my husband was ready to throw up his hands on the entire process I let him know he could walk away anytime he wanted, I would not beg or plead him to work it out. He wanted me to sell everything and go there, I said no to that as well. I told him that I love him, and if he can't handle this I would never force him to try. Given a little space he would calm down and tell me that he didn't want to give up, he wanted to be with me. So we proceeded.

It was easier for me to handle the wait than it was for him. He didn't work, I did. I knew our system, and how to deal with it, he didn't.

Your love for each other will need to be strong. This is a real test of your love. Hang in there and be patient, loving, and understanding of his feelings. It all works out for the best in the end.

[S and S 12]

I totally understand the frustration and fighting. Sometimes me and my husband are so upset about the wait we take it out on each other. Then we make up and talk things out. You will have your good days and bad days. Sometimes the whole thing seems impossible. I went back one other time to see him since we got married, but that was almost 10 months ago. Slowly we have gotten used to this crazy, long wait, but it doesn't ever become easy. It is a test of your love, but if you two are strong and committed, it will work out.

Make sure to talk every day if possible. Discuss your hopes and dreams. Cry when you need to. Don't try to hold it in. Yet I discovered with my husband he can't handle my crying because it makes him feel helpless so you may have to avoid it with yours. Depends on his personality. Yet, he needs to know how much you miss him. Always make sure to reassure him and give him comfort. It really does help.

[Muh and me 18]

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! GOOD LUCK!

[JULIAFERNO 0]

Be incredibly kind to one another during this time and you will be amazed at how your love grows. People often underestimate the power of kindness.

[sara..... 371]

wow i just do not know where to even start.........if u will look at our time line u will see how long it has been since we filed and since we have seen each other............

we dont get to talk much either and there are times when i dont even know if he is alive or dead because of some issues that come up where he lives........not a safe area at all.............(of course it is not near as dangerous as iraq)......

so i pray alot........i try to be encouraging to him when he is down ..........the biggest thing i think that helps us is that each try to be the strong one when the other one can not.......and sorry to say here lately that is not the case both of us are basket cases......but we remind each other of all that we do have........we have our love for each other, our health and as long as we have not received a denial we are still looking at this positive or at least that is what we tell each other

i survive because of all the positive support i receive here on this forum.......when im so down they always pick me up.....more even than what close family can do because everyone is going thru some part of the immigration process or have already dealt with it.........if u love someone u just have to put ur faith in God and pray.........and really what will be will be but if u try to fight th process and end up fighting with each other then u urselfs will end the process.......dont let that happen try to be the strong when when he is down.........kind of think of it as a trail for ur love for each other........surely u love each other so much that u can each stand sometime with out each other huh? or u would not have filed for the visa.....

I will put u both in my prayers and u can look at this way many that have applied for an iraqi they are already done.....or close to it so ur leaps ahead of us.... good luck to u and try to keep positive thoughts

sara

[Y's_habibitk 2]

The only advise I have is to pray for patience, LOTS of it. If you dont pray, then just work on it.

The other thing is complete communication. I cant keep my feelings from my husband, positive or negative. And he tells me everything as well. I think to be fully aware of the road that you are travelling on is important. The reality of this process is hard to swallow. If you arent prepared for the long wait and the hardships ect, it makes it that much harder.

It's totally doable, but it is work. But then again, anything worth having take work right?

Lisa

[Staashi 371]

The only advise I have is to pray for patience, LOTS of it.

A great friend of mine, God rest her soul, used to always say - "never pray for patience...because God will give you patience in spades. He'll make you wait forever testing your patience. Instead, pray for wisdom that you might understand the situation at hand."

Just my two little cents.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

The only advise I have is to pray for patience, LOTS of it.

A great friend of mine, God rest her soul, used to always say - "never pray for patience...because God will give you patience in spades. He'll make you wait forever testing your patience. Instead, pray for wisdom that you might understand the situation at hand."

Just my two little cents.

Thats funny, I was typing that thinking of that same piece of advise I got a long time ago. I always heard it in another context though, not patience in waiting.. but patience to deal with people. I.E- I pray for patience and the next day someone close to me is driving me completely nuts! lol

Edited August 7, 2008 by Y_habibitk

[Nasturtium 500]

Being apart tends to make suspicions rise in a relationship.. everything is amplified. You just have to develop a system for dealing with that as well as cutting a lot of slack. I have no idea how people so it for years on end... We did it for about 2 years but seeing each other every 6 months mostly... I imagine it would be the same, though, just seemingly never-ending. We discovered for us, it really helped to set a date of being reunited by my going over there. Even if we moved our date, having a supposed "end" to seperation really helped psychologically.

[*Maureen* 0]

it's very very very hard. I don't know what your situation for planning a visit somewhere to go see him. I know making trips during the process HELPED alot! would it be possible for him to get a visitor visa for italy?

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Stay on Visa Journey and make friends. My marriage would probably be over it if wasn't for this bunch of understanding ppl!

Oh yes and develop an amazing amount of patience.

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

Oddly enough, I think I was more secure when the relationship was long distance. There wasn't any of the day to day drama going on, ya know? We talked online almost everyday, unless work or illness prevented it, for the 7 months prior to our marriage, and for the nine months before he got his visa. We talked by phone for a few minutes everyday after our marriage. Hearing his voice somehow made me stay sane.

For me, the bad and the hard came after he got here. The differences in the cultures, getting to KNOW each others strengths and weakness', just the daily grind, those problems came after he got here. LOL

Somehow, we have faced all of this, talked thru lots of stuff, and we are still together and love each other still.