Does your muslim husband mind if you drink?

[Henia 11]

Hi all. Here's why I ask this question. The other day a neighbor/good friend knocked on my door and asked if I'd like to come over and have a beer. Normally I wouldn't, but my kids are away, I was home alone and bored. So one beer leads to six and a mixed drink ...and by the time I get home I'm a bit tipsy. My fiance isn't here in the US yet(soon though), so in my drunken silliness I buzz him on yahoo and try to wake him to chat (he leaves yahoo and his cam on at night). He doesn't wake up, but my typing looked something like this "hiiiiiiiiii bbay. wkae up..oh negvfermind icant type im drunk"

So I woke up I saw what I had written, was a little embarrassed, and figured he might be upset that I had one(or a few) too many. Well, he was more than a little upset. It bothered him to the point he didn't speak to me for most of the day. He cooled off and we discussed it. Turns out he would rather I didn't drink at all. Now he's not insisting I don't, he wouldn't do that, just asking me not to. For all of you non-muslim women with muslim husbands, how does your husband feel about alcohol? Does he mind if you have some wine? Do you refrain from drinking at his request?

I seriously think most Muslim men would not tolerate their women drinking, esp being drunk. It would be offensive and degrating of themselves as men (meaning they cannot control their women) ... And personally, if the man a real practising Muslim man did allow the woman to drink freely, I would think the marriage was fraud.

That's a little harsh... i think it just depends on how religious the guy is. Kinda like with christians, and just about any religion.

I'm thinking that she means unless the man is very religious, then he's not a "real" Muslim.... Not a new sentiment around here...

Did not say anything about "real" since I am not God to judge anyone ... but clearly as I said before the pious religious ones would not tolerate this. As for those drinking, smoking is a sin.

Personally, I do not drink but of course have in the past. My husband has never drank ... but has no problem with people who do (will sit with people who do, as long as they control themselves)

Actually you did say real. I was clarifying your point. Polarbear had rebutted to your point that it depends on how religious the man is and I was saying that by "real practising Muslim man" that very religious was implied.

O well excuse then, i was not thinking real in my mind. Poor choice of words on my part.

[caybee 21]

What if it's a group of people of mixed gender and the husband is not there?

I was in a mixed group at my sister's house a couple of times before he arrived, and there was alcohol present, but nobody was drinking to excess. He knew about it and was okay with it, possibly because my sister was there and he'd met her online. It would have been an entirely different story if it had been only men. We haven't really encountered a social drinking situation since he's been here, but since he is here now, I'm sure he'd rather be with me in that mixed group than for me to go alone, which suits me fine. One day, we were both invited to the house of one of his Arab friends for dinner, and it was going to be just three or four other Arab men and us, so he declined on my behalf and went alone, and I deferred to him (after asking several questions) because he knows more about the culture than I do. He said he would have felt differently if the men were closer to my own cultural background than his. In any case, I would not have been comfortable either around a group of men I didn't know at all. I've had platonic male friends, but I've never been comfortable being alone with just male friends. But the thing is, that's my own personality and preference, and we discussed this issue from the start. If I'd had treasured platonic friendships for years or tended to make close friends of both genders easily, that would have been fine, but he and I simply would not have gotten involved, just as I would not have continued with the relationship from the start if he'd been a heavy smoker. It's not only a matter of what is right or wrong, what he and I have the legal right and freedom to do, but it's avoiding situations that will make each other uneasy, and knowing what those situations are, out of respect for each other. I know there are MENA men connected with VJ who feel one way and others who feel another. As long as the couple is on the same page, I don't see a problem. I do have trouble equating "pious Muslim" with "ability to control one's wife." Guess that "C" word does it to me every time.

Now, the complication comes, as I said before, when a couple has discussed this sort of topic from the start and were on the same page, and at some point, one spouse changes his or her mind and asks for a compromise from the other. That isn't an easy situation at all. Someone is going to have to sacrifice something.

[Henia 11]

Omg

I am absolutely not allowed to have ANY male friends, past present or future, no matter what the connection

even co workers can be in question

it is all a matter of trust

but i find...simply...men from either these countries, or who are muslim, simply do not tolerate the same lifestlye and openness that american men do

it is better not to create any sense of insecurity or deceit with your spouse

in the past, and being married to an american man, i found there was a total lack of respect on another level

a level that i am just learning about now that I am with my moroccan husband

i know now, after alot of experience that there should be no one above your spouse (other than children, of course)

spouse should be your all, your best friend and there should be no where else to go for your needs, other than him

guy friends and too much socializing could potentially sabotage the relationship...honestly when you spend so much time apart, the only person you should want to spend all your time with is your sweetie...I mean, girls, we need our "girl time" for sure, but entering male friends into the mix can cause alot of jealousy and doubt, which we all know is one of the 7 most deadly sins.

I keep hearing this word clean, clean, clean

do your husbands use this word alot too???

cant we still have had our experience and be american and still be clean??? It is possible for people to change too and see things from a totally different perspective, but I have to admit, you can take the girl out of america, but NOT the american out of the girl!!

I guess you have to view you on the cultural level. For us, Americans (or even other cultures) intermingling is common and OK. Nothing wrong with woman having platonic male friends. But in MENA generally looked upon as the woman is loose ... men only seeking female friends for what else? Sex! Maybe not be the case always ... since I know my husband has many "intercounters" or "appointments" with females throu his work (past and present) and for sure he is not screwing any of them. But some people might look at this, as he is trying to, etc. And myself, I have many male contacts (friends if you will) but I have nothing to do with them in that arena (sexual) ...

But finally would like to add, in the US probably in my opinion more chance of "clean" relations between male/women buuut that does not mind sexual thoughts/desires never enter the mind LOL!

As for me, my husband has no problem with me speaking to men (non-flirting/sexual, etc) and going with "trusted" men he knows (too) but I am sure would have problem if I went with a man, he did not know/trust alone! But as I generally donnot do this, here or even in the US ... no issue yet to have discussed!

[Henia 11]

What if it's a group of people of mixed gender and the husband is not there?

I was in a mixed group at my sister's house a couple of times before he arrived, and there was alcohol present, but nobody was drinking to excess. He knew about it and was okay with it, possibly because my sister was there and he'd met her online. It would have been an entirely different story if it had been only men. We haven't really encountered a social drinking situation since he's been here, but since he is here now, I'm sure he'd rather be with me in that mixed group than for me to go alone, which suits me fine. One day, we were both invited to the house of one of his Arab friends for dinner, and it was going to be just three or four other Arab men and us, so he declined on my behalf and went alone, and I deferred to him (after asking several questions) because he knows more about the culture than I do. He said he would have felt differently if the men were closer to my own cultural background than his. In any case, I would not have been comfortable either around a group of men I didn't know at all. I've had platonic male friends, but I've never been comfortable being alone with just male friends. But the thing is, that's my own personality and preference, and we discussed this issue from the start. If I'd had treasured platonic friendships for years or tended to make close friends of both genders easily, that would have been fine, but he and I simply would not have gotten involved, just as I would not have continued with the relationship from the start if he'd been a heavy smoker. It's not only a matter of what is right or wrong, what he and I have the legal right and freedom to do, but it's avoiding situations that will make each other uneasy, and knowing what those situations are, out of respect for each other. I know there are MENA men connected with VJ who feel one way and others who feel another. As long as the couple is on the same page, I don't see a problem. I do have trouble equating "pious Muslim" with "ability to control one's wife." Guess that "C" word does it to me every time.

Now, the complication comes, as I said before, when a couple has discussed this sort of topic from the start and were on the same page, and at some point, one spouse changes his or her mind and asks for a compromise from the other. That isn't an easy situation at all. Someone is going to have to sacrifice something.

Well I made the comment, but me too have problem with the C word LOL! I surely would not be married to a man who tried to control me ... but I do see that alot!Here and other countries in MENA that I have been to! But some men are just like that ... have to have their women in check ... or least have the front that they do! Cultural thing! I fear for those couples ...

[Staashi 371]

OK here goes..

Whoever said that men and women can be PLATONIC friends in a previous post... My husband knew I had male friends before we married...Was he thrilled with it? No, but he accepted it. He also knew I had weekly poker games with them and once in a while a couple drinks. Again, was he thrilled? Nope, but accepted it. He doesn't drink at all, and is now requesting that I don't either. Sooooooooooooooooo.........I asked the people here how their husbands felt about drinking.

How this has turned into me having a sordid three-way love fest with the neighbors is beyond me. However, if this does happen someday, and I do decide to send the story to Penthouse, I'm wondering how much they pay if the story is published?

Moving on

I've just asked my man again to tell me what exactly bothered him so much. He said this "I'm clean, no drugs, alcohol or cigarettes now. It's good for me and it's good for you too to be that way. But sometimes when you drink, it makes me think why not have a few drinks with my wife? So, to help me not to drink, I want you to stop too."

So in a sense he is requesting that you help hold him accountable, to help him be strong in his convictions, which makes sense. It's complicated in that he accepted you drinking in the beginning and feels differently now, which requires a compromise you weren't expecting.

Yep exactly. But I'm sure we'll both have to make compromises in the future we weren't expecting.

Staashi---omg your imagination I was not SLOPPY drunk just stupid drunk

My imagination isn't wacko...Sloppy drunk, stupid drunk - drunk is drunk. Six beers and one mixed drink - that's kinda pushin' it dontcha think? 3 drinks...nice buzz - but 7??? You do the math.

I didn't say that you did anything with your neighbors...I was just making a joke that the way you had set it up that it sounded like it could come from some forum story.

[mahboula 11]

My imagination isn't wacko...Sloppy drunk, stupid drunk - drunk is drunk. Six beers and one mixed drink - that's kinda pushin' it dontcha think? 3 drinks...nice buzz - but 7??? You do the math.

Umm ok, I can do the math, but for you to do the math you would have to know the time frame...7 drinks over what time period..which I never said. And if drunk is drunk then why is 3 a nice buzz and 7 is ??? I never meant for this to be a confrontation of any kind. If the offended you I do apologize. I just wanted to point out that there is drunk where you can't type and then there is drunk sprawled out on the front lawn puking. I was the former and far from the latter.

[doodlebugg 10]

I just wanted to point out that there is drunk where you can't type and then there is drunk sprawled out on the front lawn puking. I was the former and far from the latter.

I don't mean to confront you so please don't take offense but what is the difference between having your eyes and hands be unable to function enough to type and puking on the front lawn? Both seem to qualify as FUBAR to me.

My husband isn't used to mixed parties. In his world, the women sat in one room and the men sat in another room and there was no mixing. I want to have a party towards the end of the summer and I'm wondering how this will all work out. I won't be segregating like he's used to because we just don't do that here and the guests won't be muslim anyhow so they would feel a little taken aback I would think. Should be interesting to say the least!

[AlHayatZween 2]

there was a time, not too, too long ago...

when i was a DIVA and could hang with the best of them...

but since, then we've both given it up... for all different reasons...

so, alas, no drinking chez nous...

or outside of chez nous...

[caybee 21]

My husband isn't used to mixed parties. In his world, the women sat in one room and the men sat in another room and there was no mixing. I want to have a party towards the end of the summer and I'm wondering how this will all work out. I won't be segregating like he's used to because we just don't do that here and the guests won't be muslim anyhow so they would feel a little taken aback I would think. Should be interesting to say the least!

I'll be interested to see how it goes. Since my husband has been here, I've noticed he seems comfortable interacting with women in mixed groups, even joking around with them, and seems comfortable with me doing the same, so I think he'd go with the flow in that case. It's like he's becoming culturally bilingual, if that makes sense. He recognizes a distinction between what is appropriate in Morocco and what is appropriate here, and he's learning to "act American" (I know that's a loaded phrase) without compromising his beliefs.

[morocco4ever 63]

How this has turned into me having a sordid three-way love fest with the neighbors is beyond me. However, if this does happen someday, and I do decide to send the story to Penthouse, I'm wondering how much they pay if the story is published?

Moving on

Now can we get back to more important things, like the next article Staashi can write? I think I deserve a finders fee here.

Hehehe...I didn't say you had a 3-way with your neighbors...but if you do, come look to me and I'll write it for you and we'll make a few dollars.

Now M4E, what shall our next MENA adventure be about? LMAO

Alas I am lacking in imagination, that is unless you get it started. So I will play off of your queue.

Omg

I am absolutely not allowed to have ANY male friends, past present or future, no matter what the connection

even co workers can be in question

it is all a matter of trust

but i find...simply...men from either these countries, or who are muslim, simply do not tolerate the same lifestlye and openness that american men do

it is better not to create any sense of insecurity or deceit with your spouse

in the past, and being married to an american man, i found there was a total lack of respect on another level

a level that i am just learning about now that I am with my moroccan husband

i know now, after alot of experience that there should be no one above your spouse (other than children, of course)

spouse should be your all, your best friend and there should be no where else to go for your needs, other than him

guy friends and too much socializing could potentially sabotage the relationship...honestly when you spend so much time apart, the only person you should want to spend all your time with is your sweetie...I mean, girls, we need our "girl time" for sure, but entering male friends into the mix can cause alot of jealousy and doubt, which we all know is one of the 7 most deadly sins.

I keep hearing this word clean, clean, clean

do your husbands use this word alot too???

cant we still have had our experience and be american and still be clean??? It is possible for people to change too and see things from a totally different perspective, but I have to admit, you can take the girl out of america, but NOT the american out of the girl!!

I can certainly understand what you are saying, but to tell ALL women and men that this is how it should be isn't quite right. Each couple has their own unique style. Some people can have a multitude of friends of all genders and the spouse isn't fazed. Why? Trust. One of the biggest cornerstones of any relationship.

My husband, before he got here, was against even a simple business lunch with mixed companies. He saw me hug a male friend (that was one of his friends) over the webcam and freaked. The kid was 19!! Not only that but he was against me cutting my son-in-laws hair. A bit extreme in my opinion, but then again I knew his culture so I wasn't surprised. I don't have any male friends that I would hang out with, so that really isn't an issue.

Well he is here now. It went from no business lunches with men to me not sitting next to them. Then from there he realized that it is nothing more than work, and he has no issues. He now has no issues with a hug because now he sees the innocence of it. He also has no more issues with cutting the son-in-laws hair. However me hanging out with male friends would never be accepted. I am glad to see that he has eased up, but I was willing to accept that he wouldn't allow the male friend thing. He is more important to me.

But no matter what works for me doesn't mean I have the right to dictate to others how their relationships should be. My advice revolves more about what both his and her rights are, how much they are and aren't will to sacrifice each other, and if an issue is worth losing their loved one over. None of this has to do with how I choose to live, but has to do with each of us as individuals.

[mahboula 11]

I don't mean to confront you so please don't take offense but what is the difference between having your eyes and hands be unable to function enough to type and puking on the front lawn? Both seem to qualify as FUBAR to me.

http://www2.courtinfo.ca.gov/stopteendui/_...ntoxication.pdf

[RAKASA 0]

BTW, what's FUBAR?

[morocco4ever 63]

BTW, what's FUBAR?

Pass the popcorn and fubar please, I need a snack.

[RAKASA 0]

BTW, what's FUBAR?

Pass the popcorn and fubar please, I need a snack.

make mine a double!

[polarbear 0]

BTW, what's FUBAR?

Pass the popcorn and fubar please, I need a snack.

make mine a double!

FUBAR - military term originating from WWII .... F*#ed Up Beyond All Recognition (or Repair? - Can't remember the R )