Overwhelming sadness

[perfect 39]

I will find out this weekend whether my husband is going to leave me or whether he is actually going to try and make this marriage work.

My breaking point came when I found out about his inappropriate interactions with a third "other" woman in the space of eight weeks, despite the fact that I had asked him repeatedly not to disrespect me and our marriage in that way. He says I am smothering him, making him feel trapped, caged and that I'm being overly-sensitive, overly jealous and overly possessive (just because I called him on it). (that's what I want to do to him right now) Actually he doesn't even know that I know about the third woman!! Oh and yeah.... he has no idea that I contacted two of the women so I have "the evidence"....

So the ball is in his court now. I will know by the end of this weekend if I am worth anything whatsoever to him or whether he is going to just walk away.

I know now that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a pathological liar and a serial womaniser. Not looking so good - he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions.

[Emancipation 2]

I know now that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a pathological liar and a serial womaniser. Not looking so good - he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions.

Oh you poor thing.. i was married to one of those once.. He insists to this day that the demise of our marriage was a direct result of my actions not his. Live without regret, that is all you can do my friend.

[almaty 19]

wow....

[MissStacey 1]

You are worth so much more than that.

If he does choose to stay- do you really want to spend your life always wondering where he is, who he is with, what he is doing? Wondering what is truth and what is lies every time he speaks?

My first husband was a cheater, liar and a real piece of work. It was hard, but I ran down to that courthouse and filed my divorce papers. The hurt and anger lasted quite a while. But that day came when those feelings all went away and my life was just fine again.

[msu17 0]

You are worth so much more than that.

If he does choose to stay- do you really want to spend your life always wondering where he is, who he is with, what he is doing? Wondering what is truth and what is lies every time he speaks?

My first husband was a cheater, liar and a real piece of work. It was hard, but I ran down to that courthouse and filed my divorce papers. The hurt and anger lasted quite a while. But that day came when those feelings all went away and my life was just fine again.

I agree with you! He should be the one waiting on your answer, not the other way around. Take your power back and tell him to shape up or ship out. It's his problem, not yours unless you make it. Good luck and hope everything turns out well.

[*JG* 2]

Don't you dare fall for that BS he is spewing. Make him take responsibility for his actions and stop trying to make you feel like it is your fault.

IMO, he is not worthy of you. Be strong.

[baxxy 0]

I will find out this weekend whether my husband is going to leave me or whether he is actually going to try and make this marriage work.

My breaking point came when I found out about his inappropriate interactions with a third "other" woman in the space of eight weeks, despite the fact that I had asked him repeatedly not to disrespect me and our marriage in that way. He says I am smothering him, making him feel trapped, caged and that I'm being overly-sensitive, overly jealous and overly possessive (just because I called him on it). (that's what I want to do to him right now) Actually he doesn't even know that I know about the third woman!! Oh and yeah.... he has no idea that I contacted two of the women so I have "the evidence"....

So the ball is in his court now. I will know by the end of this weekend if I am worth anything whatsoever to him or whether he is going to just walk away.

I know now that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a pathological liar and a serial womaniser. Not looking so good - he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions.

Why are you the one who's waiting around to "find out". ? His loser ### should be waiting to find out if you're gonna keep him. Don't wait, you tell him what YOU are gonna do.

[Wei&Shu(Joe) 2]

I know now that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a pathological liar and a serial womaniser. Not looking so good - he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions.

Oh you poor thing.. i was married to one of those once.. He insists to this day that the demise of our marriage was a direct result of my actions not his. Live without regret, that is all you can do my friend.

We can only assume that by "inappropriate interaction" you mean sex. If that is the case then, it certainly doesn't look good. If by "inappropriate interaction" you meant "had lunch", it might be a different story.

I don't know if you are qualified to diagnose a personality disorder but your description raises the question of whether he might in fact have a sociopathic personality disorder. It can make a big difference and one of the conditions that you may want to set for staying is that he see a psychiatrist and that you be allowed to speak with the psychiatrist (as he will probably not be truthful, if what you say is accurate) and that you be allowed to hear from the psychiatrist his diagnosis, prognosis, and plan of treatment. Basically, he will need to sign a HIPPAA form giving you complete access.

Personality disorders are VERY hard to treat. They are not like depression or anxiety that frequently respond well to treatment. If this is the case you should ask the doctor what the chances are that this condition will improve.

If he has a narcissistic PD, they sometimes respond but it is difficult to get to that first step of "there could be something wrong with me and not the rest of the world".

If he has a sociopathic PD, treatment only teaches them what normal human behavior is like and they become better liars and better sociopaths. This won't help you.

If you truly suspect he has a PD, you need to require him to get evaluation and treatment or it is probably unsafe to stay. If he has a sociopathic PD it is probably unsafe to stay even if he agrees to treatment, which he will quickly discover is just school for how to get what he wants better.

Good luck. I hope that whatever you decide you stay safe and take care of yourself.

Joe

Edited August 1, 2008 by Wei&Shu(Joe)

[Welshcookie 17]

I remember your last thread .... I am so sorry to read that things have not improved since then, I really wish you could find the strength inside to tell him that you are too good to be treated in this way and take the appropriate action.

[perfect 39]

Nope - he truly has NPD!!! His last wife got him to therapy and he went for maybe 3-4 sessions. Of course came out saying that the therapist said he was more normal than the therapist was and it was his wife who had all the issues!! He's a master at control and manipulation. However, he didn't bank on me not being controllable forever!! He has no idea who he is dealing with.....but he will - very soon...

He never ever believes or accepts that there is anything wrong with him or that any of what he says or does is inappropriate (and it was more than having lunch!!). and even with that, it's all the lies he tells- especially about the "other women"....I no longer know what the truth is - I don't even know what his "reality" is anymore. I know what I see and hear but also know I can't trust any of it. He's proven repeatedly that he can't be trusted.

[amiquechu 0]

Don't you dare fall for that BS he is spewing. Make him take responsibility for his actions and stop trying to make you feel like it is your fault.

IMO, he is not worthy of you. Be strong.

Amen! My sentiments exactly. It sounds like all the blame lies with him. It sounds like he wasn't ready to be married, and dragged you into a bad situation. Why spend the rest of your life in a miserable relationship? Dump the f*cker.

[*JG* 2]

I will find out this weekend whether my husband is going to leave me or whether he is actually going to try and make this marriage work.

My breaking point came when I found out about his inappropriate interactions with a third "other" woman in the space of eight weeks, despite the fact that I had asked him repeatedly not to disrespect me and our marriage in that way. He says I am smothering him, making him feel trapped, caged and that I'm being overly-sensitive, overly jealous and overly possessive (just because I called him on it). (that's what I want to do to him right now) Actually he doesn't even know that I know about the third woman!! Oh and yeah.... he has no idea that I contacted two of the women so I have "the evidence"....

So the ball is in his court now. I will know by the end of this weekend if I am worth anything whatsoever to him or whether he is going to just walk away.

I know now that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a pathological liar and a serial womaniser. Not looking so good - he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions.

Why are you the one who's waiting around to "find out". ? His loser ### should be waiting to find out if you're gonna keep him. Don't wait, you tell him what YOU are gonna do.

If it were me, he wouldn't be waiting. I'd tell him what I thought immediately.

I do have to agree, though....what are you waiting for exactly? Some divine sign? I think all the signs are there. You just have to decide how much you can bear and what is right for you.

Nope - he truly has NPD!!! His last wife got him to therapy and he went for maybe 3-4 sessions. Of course came out saying that the therapist said he was more normal than the therapist was and it was his wife who had all the issues!! He's a master at control and manipulation. However, he didn't bank on me not being controllable forever!! He has no idea who he is dealing with.....but he will - very soon...

He never ever believes or accepts that there is anything wrong with him or that any of what he says or does is inappropriate (and it was more than having lunch!!). and even with that, it's all the lies he tells- especially about the "other women"....I no longer know what the truth is - I don't even know what his "reality" is anymore. I know what I see and hear but also know I can't trust any of it. He's proven repeatedly that he can't be trusted.

Please make sure you are always protecting yourself in every situation.

[Nessa 23]

[*JG* 2]

I will find out this weekend whether my husband is going to leave me or whether he is actually going to try and make this marriage work.

My breaking point came when I found out about his inappropriate interactions with a third "other" woman in the space of eight weeks, despite the fact that I had asked him repeatedly not to disrespect me and our marriage in that way. He says I am smothering him, making him feel trapped, caged and that I'm being overly-sensitive, overly jealous and overly possessive (just because I called him on it). (that's what I want to do to him right now) Actually he doesn't even know that I know about the third woman!! Oh and yeah.... he has no idea that I contacted two of the women so I have "the evidence"....

So the ball is in his court now. I will know by the end of this weekend if I am worth anything whatsoever to him or whether he is going to just walk away.

I know now that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a pathological liar and a serial womaniser. Not looking so good - he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions.

This kind of thing irks me to no end. But, I am going to try and control my temper and say what I want to say.

He has proven over and over again that he is not ready to take responsibility for his medical issues and his relationship problems. Did you really listen to the ex-wife when you heard their problems?

I know that you love this man. And, it seems like you have put up with a lot thus far. There does come a time when you can no longer play "the fixer" in a relationship. You have to force him to step up to the plate, take some responsibility, and want to really fix whatever is wrong WITH HIMSELF. If he cannot do that, you really can't help him any further. It is not fair for you to put your life on indefinate hold when he really isn't interested in doing anything about the problems. You have got to sit down and look at what is best for you and your family.

If what is best is working it out, he has to cooperate or that will never happen. If you are the only one working on fixing things, it isn't much of a relationship, now, is it?

If what is best is walking away, then that is what you must do.

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

I think the best advice to the OP, is to re-read your post, and pretend your best friend wrote it. What would you tell her to do? Cause that's what you know is in your heart, the right answer and what you should do.

Personally, I wouldn't have waited for woman #3. I would have given him my exit speech at #2... one he would never ever forget. If you decide to stay, wouldn't you always think of the possibility of #4 being around the corner? The anxiety would kill me personally.

Good luck, this is a hard one.