No title Im braindead

[vanee 13]

When he says "This isn't working .." and "I don't see this working ... we're just not getting along" ...

I've been reading the book Personality Plus, which takes a look at 4 personality types, the strengths and weaknesses of each type, and how to get along with them. According to this book, opposites tend to attract as we see the strengths in other personality types, and then we have difficulty getting along with our opposites because we see our way as being right and other ways as being wrong. The anecdotes in this book tell stories about how marriages were improved and sometimes saved when couples recognized traits of different personality types for what they are.

I recommend this book. It might be the tool to help you get along. (It does have religious quotes and references in it, but they're easy to skip over if they don't fit with your beliefs.) Marriage counselling would be another option to explore. I'd hate to give up before really working on the problems.

[Totallylost 0]

Well I'm a bit late in saying thank you to everyone who replied. Things have definitely taken a turn for the worse.

I would never have thought when I and my little girl came here almost five years ago that I would be sitting here in this dilimna. God ... five years ... sorry If I ramble but I'm in a bit of a mess this weekend.

Not having any affection for the past few years .. well no I know that wasn't normal. I have been in loving relationships before so know this wasn't right. But, nonetheless, I kept on trying to keep this marraige going.

What is really hurting me is the fact that even when my mother died last and left me an inheritance I stupidly spent that on the home and his debts. It's all gone now. I have nothing. And he says to me now "Well I didn't ask you to pay them ... you can't buy love"....

My daughter has just turned 12. I sold up everything to come here to be with him - everything. I don't know which way to turn ... when I left the UK I left debts behind ... I'm 51 ... no pension ... nothing. Im only earning $10 an hour here .. the mortgage is $950 a month - I can't manage here either. What the hell am I going to do?? I somehow have to keep a roof over my daughter's head ...

We spoke this morning, I told him that by me going back now - I'll be going back to nothing. I'll never be able to own my own house again ... etc etc. He told me "You don't have to go anywhere NOW". We ended up by saying that we would keep going for the next year/15 months and then perhaps sell the house and that would be it".

I have a 10 year green card - where do I stand with immigration? What do I need to do? I had intended going for citizenship in February .. but now ... I just don't know.

We sold our first home last December and moved into our new home in January .. my daughter has done so well at school - she loves it there. OH God .... this is going to break her heart ... she idolises him.

What would you do? I need some sort of option but just can't seem to see anything right now.

Im in a mess ....

[vanee 13]

We spoke this morning, I told him that by me going back now - I'll be going back to nothing. I'll never be able to own my own house again ... etc etc. He told me "You don't have to go anywhere NOW". We ended up by saying that we would keep going for the next year/15 months and then perhaps sell the house and that would be it".

I have a 10 year green card - where do I stand with immigration? What do I need to do? I had intended going for citizenship in February .. but now ... I just don't know.

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. But you will get through it.

A possible path may be in the above statement. If you're going to stay together roommate-style for another year or so, you'll be able to get US citizenship, and you'll have more equity in the house. When you sell it, you'll have some money to start over with, and you'll have the option to stay here or go back to your country. The best path might be clearer by that point.

[sara..... 371]

i dont have any advise but my prayers are with u

sara

[pushbrk 12,884]

When a husband says to you "I dont' see this working out .. but I'm willing to try". When he says "This isn't working .." and "I don't see this working ... we're just not getting along" ... and "It's been like this for four and a half years and I can't see it working out ... but I'll give it a go" ..

And on top of that when you' ve only been

intimate with your husband once in almost three years ..

Oh we've been married four and a half years ...

Time to move on???? Ask a silly question I suppose ..

Depends on why it isn't working out. He has a negative outlook for the success of the marriage. What can YOU do to change that? What is it about the relationship that isn't working and why?

[diadromous mermaid 36]

What state do you live in? I would just take the time to analyze what, if anything, would improve for you, financially, if you perpetuate the relationship for another 15 months. Sometimes a consulation with a family lawyer can at least give you a brief understanding of what marital rights you might be looking at 15 months hence.

Well I'm a bit late in saying thank you to everyone who replied. Things have definitely taken a turn for the worse.

I would never have thought when I and my little girl came here almost five years ago that I would be sitting here in this dilimna. God ... five years ... sorry If I ramble but I'm in a bit of a mess this weekend.

Not having any affection for the past few years .. well no I know that wasn't normal. I have been in loving relationships before so know this wasn't right. But, nonetheless, I kept on trying to keep this marraige going.

What is really hurting me is the fact that even when my mother died last and left me an inheritance I stupidly spent that on the home and his debts. It's all gone now. I have nothing. And he says to me now "Well I didn't ask you to pay them ... you can't buy love"....

My daughter has just turned 12. I sold up everything to come here to be with him - everything. I don't know which way to turn ... when I left the UK I left debts behind ... I'm 51 ... no pension ... nothing. Im only earning $10 an hour here .. the mortgage is $950 a month - I can't manage here either. What the hell am I going to do?? I somehow have to keep a roof over my daughter's head ...

We spoke this morning, I told him that by me going back now - I'll be going back to nothing. I'll never be able to own my own house again ... etc etc. He told me "You don't have to go anywhere NOW". We ended up by saying that we would keep going for the next year/15 months and then perhaps sell the house and that would be it".

I have a 10 year green card - where do I stand with immigration? What do I need to do? I had intended going for citizenship in February .. but now ... I just don't know.

We sold our first home last December and moved into our new home in January .. my daughter has done so well at school - she loves it there. OH God .... this is going to break her heart ... she idolises him.

What would you do? I need some sort of option but just can't seem to see anything right now.

Im in a mess ....

[bhajishah 4]

once in 3 yrs??? either he got psychosexual issues or a hot mistress wow!!

[idocare 3]

Sorry to read about your situation.

[rebeccajo 14]

totallylost -

I agree with DM. Get yourself to a Family Lawyer and find out your rights. Find out if spending MORE time in this marriage is advantageouse or disadvantageous to you.

I presume you have documentation of how much of your money you brought with you from the UK, what the exchange rate was at that time, and how much of it you invested in your home and his debts. In most states, teh assets brought into the marriage DO MATTER in a divorce - the length of time one spends in the relationship may make that claim more cloudy. So please do a consult now.

I'm sorry to be brutal, but I would make certain that I got every penny of that back from him if the marriage bottoms out. My husband is in his mid-40's, so I understand the concept of leaving the UK at middle-age and what it does to your pension, etc. Whether or not you return there is something you can explore, but I wouldn't go back there (or anywhere) empty handed.

It seems to me you have been generous enough. I would approach this as the issue that it is - your future survival - and make certain that I would be able to survive without paying the price for having given it all up for love.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

This post is as old as John McCain. Let it die.

[LaL 418]

This post is as old as John McCain. Let it die.

The OP came back and posted just 2 days ago on it though.

[Beautiful_years 0]

When a husband says to you "I dont' see this working out .. but I'm willing to try". When he says "This isn't working .." and "I don't see this working ... we're just not getting along" ... and "It's been like this for four and a half years and I can't see it working out ... but I'll give it a go" ..

And on top of that when you' ve only been

intimate with your husband once in almost three years ..

Oh we've been married four and a half years ...

Time to move on???? Ask a silly question I suppose ..

It sounds as if you have a roommate instead of a husband. Only you can decide if that arrangement is acceptable. Not to be flippant, but hubby might consider going to the doctor to find out why the libido is dead. It's either dead or he is using it somewhere else. It's not normal for a man not to ejaculate for that long of a time. I'm in my 50's and I can't imagine going years without ejaculating. Ditto for most other men too. Sorry to be so blunt or graphic, but that is the truth. Something ain't right or something is going on you don't know about.

If things don't change, aren't likely to change, and you are unhappy with the situation...it's time to move on. Life is too short and time on earth is too precious to waste driving in circles.

! When i saw this it thought it was new until i read the last post and checked the dates! Boy!!! what sense of humour, as dead as John Mccain LOL!!

Meanwhile peejay permit me to "hehehe" at your comment.... too graphic a pic you just painted, using it there or somewhere else! someone else was suggesting a VIAGRA like its dead? hmmmmm?

It just keeps getting better and better I love VEEJAAY and the diversity here!

Edited December 10, 2008 by Beautiful_years

[Beautiful_years 0]

Sorry about the way things turned out, 15 months is still a little long, that would give you time to figure out what to do, it must really be hard. Pray more often though as even if we dont see God we feel his presence and he makes ways for us where we least expected him to.

[MsZ 6]

I'm curious to know if you sought any sort of help before this... counseling or whatever. That's a long time to go without physical affection from a spouse and the time to start dealing with those problems is well before 3 years. That said, how were things before you got married? How long did you date, etc.?

You may end up coming out of the situation in better financial shape than you anticipate, and holding onto the marriage longer will certainly help you there. It really depends on the state and the state's laws. I don't know which of you makes more money, or your overall financial health as a couple. But generally, the longer you've been married, the better in terms of the settlement. The problem with the lack of sex between you is that it can be argued that you haven't been living as man and wife for 3 years. OTOH, in some states this would allow you to file and get a divorce very quickly.

Plan an exit strategy. See a lawyer. But don't just leave to get away from him unless he's abusive.