Please Help!! Confused and Don't Know Where to Begin...

[totes 0]

One thing I will say to you Lois is if you have a doubt in your mind and do not trust this man then do not go. Why do I say this? One of the things a relationship is supposed to be built on is trust. If we get into a relationship with someone we do not fully trust then we are cheating ourselves but also cheating the other person out of a solid relationship and in turn you will be bringing them on board a sinking ship. If you do not trust him then be fair enough to let him know how you feel and let him decide for himself if he wants to continue on in a relationship where there may be alot of tests and turmoil becuase when you do not trust your lover you inevitably end up testing them and trying them and for the other person it can be quite painful and upsetting. There is nothing more aggrivating and more emotionally draining than an insecure lover. I can testify to this becuase I have been on both ends in my lifetime.If you really love this man and you think he loves you then give it a fighting chance. Dont throw the race before you have even left the gate.In a family book that I read once it said " you cannot build a house on a foundation of sand becuase eventually it will give way. Love is the same. Start with a strong foundation and you will whether any storm but start with a weak one and any small rain will cuase it to sink. Enjoy your trip, its a beautiful country!

K1............. ROCKS

Hello "confused". I kind of am in the same situation, but I've "known" "j" for 14 months. I have my tickets to go on Dec. 25 thru Jan 4. I will be flying into Lagos and then onto Benin City. I know someone via email that just got back from Lagos and got married there. Actually last week. I am from the U.S. and so is she, but shouldn't it be best that we bring them over via a fiance visa? I don't really know. I am a white, blonde haired, blue eyed american meeting a "nigerian". lol They seem to follow the same pattern, don't they? I am quite older than him, but I think that their primary concern is that they have a better life than the one that they have now. I'm sure that love is there, but somewhat secondary. Do I sound confused also? Stay in touch....Lois

Hi everyone. I am so sorry if I sounded a bit confused, but I just seem to have come across many women who are much older than their man in Nigeria. Right now he has spinal menigitis and needs my help. I cannot change my plans due to commitments and jobs. I DO trust him, but I guess it is just my past experiences that have made me so cautious. I have been alone for ten years by choice, but as you can see, I'm taking it slower this time. I'm worried sick about him as he only has his sister left. Anyway, I still plan on going in December (God willing) ALONE. That scares me in itself, but I have read and learned many good things about the men there from you guys. How do I get these K1 papers for us to fill out? I think that things "will happen" when we meet. (an engagement). lol That was a good point to bring them with me. Should I get all my phone records now too? Thanks again...Lois

Lois,

I don't consider myself a suspicious person by nature and I didn't condemn my husband just because he is Nigerian. On the other hand, I keep myself well informed and I walk with my eyes wide open. When I read your first post, I was kinda confused because it sounded like you knew your SO had a primary motive, yet you were ok with that. You also mentioned that you were white/blonde/etc....getting together with a 'Nigerian'. I'm not sure what you meant by that....but it rubbed me the wrong way. I wish you had elaborated more on what that was supposed to mean. Anyhow.....when I just read your second post......I'm really concerned with what you said about your SO having spinal menigits and 'only having his sister left'. My husband comes from a family of 10 siblings. With that comes many cousins, neices, nephews, etc. Almost every Nigerian family is like this. For someone to say that they only have a single sister left, is very hard to believe and I feel like that, along with the illness...he could be setting a stage for a performance yet to come. I almost hate myself for saying this to you because I hate to think negatively about ones intentions. I also could be dead wrong, and I pray that I am. Just please be careful and make sure you know this man very well before you travel to his country alone.

I guess that I am not giving all of the information needed....sorry. He does have a cousin, a father who has three wives (for which he doesn't see). Two step brothers.........but the same there. If I can get that phone number, it would help me further. When I said about being blonde....etc., I meant it to be "out of the ordinary". I wouldn't have feelings for him had I felt differently. Oh yeah, and a sister who is getting married the end of August. He lost his mother this past December. I hadn't spoken to him on the phone when this happened, but I have never heard him cry before. I would be worried too if I were in a hsopital with no insurance coverage. Like I said, I've known him for 14 months and man.....he should be on tv if he were acting. In any event, I intend to cover all of my bases before I do anything...whew....again, sorry for blonde thing.Lois

I forgot something. I was the one who asked his sister if I could "help". I think that that was also important.oops....Lois

Lois,

Mama, ur killing me here. As I keep reading your posts, I'm getting more and more worried. When you said that "I would be worried if I was in the hopital with no insurance too".......are your referring to your SO? Did he tell you this? Mami this is classic....from the books of scamming 101. I pray I'm wrong. What hopital is he in? What part of Nigeria is he from? I have contacts in a hopital in Lagos. And when you say that you are the one who asked his sister if there's anything you could do....of course you did. It's probably your compassionate nature and that may or may not make you an easy target. Look, I have never before responded to a post by saying that I think the person is being 'played'....but I couldn't sleep tonight knowing I didn't say something to you. I really hope that I am totally off-base. But please believe that I say all this with only good intentions. Please do your homework and if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.

If you could help me with the phone number of University of Benin City teaching hospita, it would be great!!! Don't worry too much, I'm very investigative. I have never sent anything this past 14 months, so why would I now not knowing any facts? thanks for all of your concern. lois

http://www.lagosmart.net/lagos/Hospitals.htm

http://www.hospitalsworldwide.com/

Please be very careful! Stacey and Lurking are absolutely correct about illness, being in the hospital with no money. I pray it works out for you!

[bjejelola.isscamr 0]

One thing I will say to you Lois is if you have a doubt in your mind and do not trust this man then do not go. Why do I say this? One of the things a relationship is supposed to be built on is trust. If we get into a relationship with someone we do not fully trust then we are cheating ourselves but also cheating the other person out of a solid relationship and in turn you will be bringing them on board a sinking ship. If you do not trust him then be fair enough to let him know how you feel and let him decide for himself if he wants to continue on in a relationship where there may be alot of tests and turmoil becuase when you do not trust your lover you inevitably end up testing them and trying them and for the other person it can be quite painful and upsetting. There is nothing more aggrivating and more emotionally draining than an insecure lover. I can testify to this becuase I have been on both ends in my lifetime.If you really love this man and you think he loves you then give it a fighting chance. Dont throw the race before you have even left the gate.In a family book that I read once it said " you cannot build a house on a foundation of sand becuase eventually it will give way. Love is the same. Start with a strong foundation and you will whether any storm but start with a weak one and any small rain will cuase it to sink. Enjoy your trip, its a beautiful country!

K1............. ROCKS

Hello "confused". I kind of am in the same situation, but I've "known" "j" for 14 months. I have my tickets to go on Dec. 25 thru Jan 4. I will be flying into Lagos and then onto Benin City. I know someone via email that just got back from Lagos and got married there. Actually last week. I am from the U.S. and so is she, but shouldn't it be best that we bring them over via a fiance visa? I don't really know. I am a white, blonde haired, blue eyed american meeting a "nigerian". lol They seem to follow the same pattern, don't they? I am quite older than him, but I think that their primary concern is that they have a better life than the one that they have now. I'm sure that love is there, but somewhat secondary. Do I sound confused also? Stay in touch....Lois

Hi everyone. I am so sorry if I sounded a bit confused, but I just seem to have come across many women who are much older than their man in Nigeria. Right now he has spinal menigitis and needs my help. I cannot change my plans due to commitments and jobs. I DO trust him, but I guess it is just my past experiences that have made me so cautious. I have been alone for ten years by choice, but as you can see, I'm taking it slower this time. I'm worried sick about him as he only has his sister left. Anyway, I still plan on going in December (God willing) ALONE. That scares me in itself, but I have read and learned many good things about the men there from you guys. How do I get these K1 papers for us to fill out? I think that things "will happen" when we meet. (an engagement). lol That was a good point to bring them with me. Should I get all my phone records now too? Thanks again...Lois

Lois,

I don't consider myself a suspicious person by nature and I didn't condemn my husband just because he is Nigerian. On the other hand, I keep myself well informed and I walk with my eyes wide open. When I read your first post, I was kinda confused because it sounded like you knew your SO had a primary motive, yet you were ok with that. You also mentioned that you were white/blonde/etc....getting together with a 'Nigerian'. I'm not sure what you meant by that....but it rubbed me the wrong way. I wish you had elaborated more on what that was supposed to mean. Anyhow.....when I just read your second post......I'm really concerned with what you said about your SO having spinal menigits and 'only having his sister left'. My husband comes from a family of 10 siblings. With that comes many cousins, neices, nephews, etc. Almost every Nigerian family is like this. For someone to say that they only have a single sister left, is very hard to believe and I feel like that, along with the illness...he could be setting a stage for a performance yet to come. I almost hate myself for saying this to you because I hate to think negatively about ones intentions. I also could be dead wrong, and I pray that I am. Just please be careful and make sure you know this man very well before you travel to his country alone.

I guess that I am not giving all of the information needed....sorry. He does have a cousin, a father who has three wives (for which he doesn't see). Two step brothers.........but the same there. If I can get that phone number, it would help me further. When I said about being blonde....etc., I meant it to be "out of the ordinary". I wouldn't have feelings for him had I felt differently. Oh yeah, and a sister who is getting married the end of August. He lost his mother this past December. I hadn't spoken to him on the phone when this happened, but I have never heard him cry before. I would be worried too if I were in a hsopital with no insurance coverage. Like I said, I've known him for 14 months and man.....he should be on tv if he were acting. In any event, I intend to cover all of my bases before I do anything...whew....again, sorry for blonde thing.Lois

I forgot something. I was the one who asked his sister if I could "help". I think that that was also important.oops....Lois

Lois,

Mama, ur killing me here. As I keep reading your posts, I'm getting more and more worried. When you said that "I would be worried if I was in the hopital with no insurance too".......are your referring to your SO? Did he tell you this? Mami this is classic....from the books of scamming 101. I pray I'm wrong. What hopital is he in? What part of Nigeria is he from? I have contacts in a hopital in Lagos. And when you say that you are the one who asked his sister if there's anything you could do....of course you did. It's probably your compassionate nature and that may or may not make you an easy target. Look, I have never before responded to a post by saying that I think the person is being 'played'....but I couldn't sleep tonight knowing I didn't say something to you. I really hope that I am totally off-base. But please believe that I say all this with only good intentions. Please do your homework and if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.

If you could help me with the phone number of University of Benin City teaching hospita, it would be great!!! Don't worry too much, I'm very investigative. I have never sent anything this past 14 months, so why would I now not knowing any facts? thanks for all of your concern. lois

That is in Edo State. Try these numbers: 234 802 338 1822 or 234 802 880 9710

[Ta Ta 1]

To verify the illness about your SO, educate yourself what meningitis is , what the treatment is, what he says the treatment is all down to the meds.

How was it diagnosed, did he have a spinal tap ? Did he have a bad headache , bacterial or viral, etc.

Keep in mind that he may not know exact medical terms, but he should ask his doctor and then tell you.

Call his doctor, call the hospital. Ask questions. ( Sometimes they will charge him more knowing he has ' connections ' here for payment.)

This is one reason I always say to have a friend there, YOUR friend, a trusted pastor, to verify things, do go by the hospital to say hello.........

No one here knows if he is telling the truth or not and it is up to you to make that judgment call with some investigation of your own.

People do get sick. People do scam. Who are we to decide. You know about the potential of being lied to I am sure but you

also have to balance it out with enough trust to move forward or why even do it at all.

Best wishes !

[lmnop123 0]

Thank you all for your time.

I am female lawyer living in the US. I met my fiance, "E", in May 2008. E is 25. I am 33, with a youthful look. I can pass for 23/24. I also have a 9 year old son. His last girlfriend of 3 years was 5 years his senior and he prefers older women. He is very mature and everything about him and our "distance" relationship is more than I could have imagined. Prior to meeting him I was generally pretty negative in regard to marriage.

Anyway, we met online via a Nigerian forum that I visit as guest. I have always dated foreign men and since childhood I have always been intrigued about other cultures. I watch a lot of foreign movies, including Nigerian. We are in love, want to get married and have decided to see this prcoess through to the end. We talk daily by phone. Our first conversation was 5 hours and we talk a minimum of 1 hour per day but most times up to 3 hours per day, including text messages, and occasional webcam. To be brutally honest, E, set out to scam me initially but after 1 week of talking and my inquisitive nature he confessed, revealed his true identity and met me on webcam. For various reasons, we know we are meant for each other and we will be together. We/he understand that EVERYTHING must be authentic and legal from confession time forward. I am not posting this for warnings or negative commentary because we will be together. I am disclosing this information because I want to be honest so that I can receive help and advice. Since we have been talking he does not visit the cyber cafe unless I tell him I specifically emailed him something. We don't really do webcam because we want to limit his visits to the cyber cafe. HE HAS NEVER ASKED ME FOR MONEY OR GIFTS. After his confession, for my own peace of mind, I personally found and paid a private investigator out of Lagos to meet with him in his town near Benin to verify his identity and to interview him. He agreed without hesitation because he said he wanted us to move pass this. The private investigator met him at his apartment, took pictures of him, his home, various locations, checked his criminal record at the Delta State CID HQ, verified his educational background and other personal information, and inquired as to his reputation in his community with random people. The findings were positive.

I have purchased my ticket to Lagos for 10/8-10/13. Because of work and limited help with my son I can only travel for this short 1 week period of time. He has told his friends and family about me. He told his parents that he initially tried to scam me. I am sure I don't have to say that his parents were disappointed to learn he was scamming. His family is not poor. Disputes with his father and his stubborness to do things his way and live on his own led to this dumb choice. They have since questioned him about our age difference and if this is something he really wants to do and he said yes. So, they have given us their blessings.

I am so confused. Even though I am a lawyer, because of the increased scrutiny on Nigeria, the quickest method to marry him and for us to be together is overwhelming to say the least. We are prepared to do a K1 or K3 visa. It doesn't matter. We and his family are prepared to marry in both a traditional and white (registry with counseling etc..) marriage in Nigeria in October or on a K1 visa in US whatever me and E decide. The real issue is we want to go the quickest (1 year or less) and best route based on Nigeria's scrutiny. I am struggling yet stable so I don't need a $ sponsor. They know absolutely nothing about the process, so all things written in this post are at my advice and direction. He is relying on me and everyone on his end is willing to do whatever I suggest is best.

K1 visa plan:

Through research I have read that the K1 visa is faster. As of right now, unless we can get better advice, after 2 days in Lagos we are planning to fly via Virgin Nigeria to Benin on 10/11 for 2 days so that I can formally meet his parents and receive their blessings. His parents are going to arrange for some elders from his village to come to the house when I meet them (more if we decide to marry). We will have a gathering with food/drinks for anyone at the house and we plan to wear native wear. Later that evening we will have an engagement pool party at a local hotel with about 30 guests and everyone is asked to wear white. Instead of getting a hotel because of the cost I am renting a villa in Lagos for the 2 days I am there and I will be staying at a hotel or with his family (he lives alone) while I am in Benin. We will return via plane back to Lagos on 10/13 so that I can return home. Even though there is only a 3 hour delay between me arriving at Lagos airport from Benin and me boarding my return flight home he is refusing to see me off from Benin and insists on escorting me until I leave the country.

While I am in Lagos, we plan to take a lot of pictures around the city and at important places. We intend to buy fabric for our garments and courier them to Benin, we plan to open a joint bank account, we plan to get "notarized" statements from his parents and other family members testifying that our relationship is geniune, because he is friendly with his ex, and she is getting married in August, we may be able to get a statement from her as to their age difference while in the relationship if necessary. We are making all Nigeria based flights, accommodations, purchases and party arrangements in both our names when possible, we intend to videotape and photograph all important events while in Benin.

Should we do a K1 visa or K3?

Any advice as to what we should do to make our case stronger or any evidence we should get is greatly appreciated.

Any advice on HELPING US BE TOGETHER will be greatly appreciated.

Again, thank you so much.

you only know him 2 months and have never met in person and you love him? huh? and you're willing to do all this? You're educated and have a child, I cannot understand why you would want to do all this for someone you really dont know and started out to scam you. Please rethink this situation.

Thank you for your concern but as I posted initially I am okay with my decision.

I think people confuse the initial stages of love with the end all be all. Obviously I am aware no one can be 100% in love with someone they have not met and spent time with. With that being said, I am interested in exploring a relationship with E and seeing where that takes us. Unfortunately, because he is not in the US, I can't meet him and spend time with him to build upon the love I have for him.

If you met your SO online, why did you initially travel to the Phillipines to meet them.......cause of "like?" No because you felt something special and you wanted to check it out. How are you 100% sure your SO wasn't scamming you initially....because she didn't tell you? Because she didn't ask you for money?

Again, thank you for your concern.

[baxxy 0]

Thank you all for your time.

I am female lawyer living in the US. I met my fiance, "E", in May 2008. E is 25. I am 33, with a youthful look. I can pass for 23/24. I also have a 9 year old son. His last girlfriend of 3 years was 5 years his senior and he prefers older women. He is very mature and everything about him and our "distance" relationship is more than I could have imagined. Prior to meeting him I was generally pretty negative in regard to marriage.

Anyway, we met online via a Nigerian forum that I visit as guest. I have always dated foreign men and since childhood I have always been intrigued about other cultures. I watch a lot of foreign movies, including Nigerian. We are in love, want to get married and have decided to see this prcoess through to the end. We talk daily by phone. Our first conversation was 5 hours and we talk a minimum of 1 hour per day but most times up to 3 hours per day, including text messages, and occasional webcam. To be brutally honest, E, set out to scam me initially but after 1 week of talking and my inquisitive nature he confessed, revealed his true identity and met me on webcam. For various reasons, we know we are meant for each other and we will be together. We/he understand that EVERYTHING must be authentic and legal from confession time forward. I am not posting this for warnings or negative commentary because we will be together. I am disclosing this information because I want to be honest so that I can receive help and advice. Since we have been talking he does not visit the cyber cafe unless I tell him I specifically emailed him something. We don't really do webcam because we want to limit his visits to the cyber cafe. HE HAS NEVER ASKED ME FOR MONEY OR GIFTS. After his confession, for my own peace of mind, I personally found and paid a private investigator out of Lagos to meet with him in his town near Benin to verify his identity and to interview him. He agreed without hesitation because he said he wanted us to move pass this. The private investigator met him at his apartment, took pictures of him, his home, various locations, checked his criminal record at the Delta State CID HQ, verified his educational background and other personal information, and inquired as to his reputation in his community with random people. The findings were positive.

I have purchased my ticket to Lagos for 10/8-10/13. Because of work and limited help with my son I can only travel for this short 1 week period of time. He has told his friends and family about me. He told his parents that he initially tried to scam me. I am sure I don't have to say that his parents were disappointed to learn he was scamming. His family is not poor. Disputes with his father and his stubborness to do things his way and live on his own led to this dumb choice. They have since questioned him about our age difference and if this is something he really wants to do and he said yes. So, they have given us their blessings.

I am so confused. Even though I am a lawyer, because of the increased scrutiny on Nigeria, the quickest method to marry him and for us to be together is overwhelming to say the least. We are prepared to do a K1 or K3 visa. It doesn't matter. We and his family are prepared to marry in both a traditional and white (registry with counseling etc..) marriage in Nigeria in October or on a K1 visa in US whatever me and E decide. The real issue is we want to go the quickest (1 year or less) and best route based on Nigeria's scrutiny. I am struggling yet stable so I don't need a $ sponsor. They know absolutely nothing about the process, so all things written in this post are at my advice and direction. He is relying on me and everyone on his end is willing to do whatever I suggest is best.

K1 visa plan:

Through research I have read that the K1 visa is faster. As of right now, unless we can get better advice, after 2 days in Lagos we are planning to fly via Virgin Nigeria to Benin on 10/11 for 2 days so that I can formally meet his parents and receive their blessings. His parents are going to arrange for some elders from his village to come to the house when I meet them (more if we decide to marry). We will have a gathering with food/drinks for anyone at the house and we plan to wear native wear. Later that evening we will have an engagement pool party at a local hotel with about 30 guests and everyone is asked to wear white. Instead of getting a hotel because of the cost I am renting a villa in Lagos for the 2 days I am there and I will be staying at a hotel or with his family (he lives alone) while I am in Benin. We will return via plane back to Lagos on 10/13 so that I can return home. Even though there is only a 3 hour delay between me arriving at Lagos airport from Benin and me boarding my return flight home he is refusing to see me off from Benin and insists on escorting me until I leave the country.

While I am in Lagos, we plan to take a lot of pictures around the city and at important places. We intend to buy fabric for our garments and courier them to Benin, we plan to open a joint bank account, we plan to get "notarized" statements from his parents and other family members testifying that our relationship is geniune, because he is friendly with his ex, and she is getting married in August, we may be able to get a statement from her as to their age difference while in the relationship if necessary. We are making all Nigeria based flights, accommodations, purchases and party arrangements in both our names when possible, we intend to videotape and photograph all important events while in Benin.

Should we do a K1 visa or K3?

Any advice as to what we should do to make our case stronger or any evidence we should get is greatly appreciated.

Any advice on HELPING US BE TOGETHER will be greatly appreciated.

Again, thank you so much.

you only know him 2 months and have never met in person and you love him? huh? and you're willing to do all this? You're educated and have a child, I cannot understand why you would want to do all this for someone you really dont know and started out to scam you. Please rethink this situation.

Thank you for your concern but as I posted initially I am okay with my decision.

I think people confuse the initial stages of love with the end all be all. Obviously I am aware no one can be 100% in love with someone they have not met and spent time with. With that being said, I am interested in exploring a relationship with E and seeing where that takes us. Unfortunately, because he is not in the US, I can't meet him and spend time with him to build upon the love I have for him.

If you met your SO online, why did you initially travel to the Phillipines to meet them.......cause of "like?" No because you felt something special and you wanted to check it out. How are you 100% sure your SO wasn't scamming you initially....because she didn't tell you? Because she didn't ask you for money?

Again, thank you for your concern.

Yes I met her online, but i never called it love, I chatted to her a long time before I even considered going to meet her. I went to the philippines because yes I wanted to meet her, shes sweet and charming, and I was travelling to Thailand anyway, so i just extended it and went on to the phils. Was I sure she wasn't scamming me? No I wasn't sure at all, if she is its for a green card and entry to the US, i still sometimes think thats all she wants, time will tell. I've asked her this before and she doesn't outright deny it. If you're ok with your decision then thats fine. It's just that you seem to be putting a lot of effort, time and money into someone who doesn't seem trustworthy, thats all.

[4theloveofhenry 8]

After reading your further posts I would have to concur with what some of the other ladies are saying here. Like I said, if you cant trust him in your heart then why pursue the relationship. Its no fun being in love with someone that you feel you have to watch your back with. You want to be able to feel secure with the one you love not worry about if you need security when you are with them. The fact that he says he has spinal menengitis worries me becuase my daughter at 2 months old had viral menengitis and I learned all about the diffrent types while she was in the hospital. Spinal is bacterial and very contagious and hard to treat. People have been known to die within days of contracting this. How has he informed you of this? Was it by phone? Was it via computer?

Omoba was definately right in saying to ask alot of questions. Especially about the symptoms and the treatment. Then look the illness up yourself and compare what you find out with your notes. Whether you decide to continue foward with this man and trust him unconditionally or you decide you do not trust him and want to part ways, be diligent in either decision you make becuase either way you are dealing with your life.

[Ta Ta 1]

Imnop and Lois, just wanted to invite you to our light hearted and supportive sub-saharan cafe thread to pass the time and whoever else wants to take a peek come on in and post , its easy going and funny most of the time.

[lmnop123 0]

Yes I met her online, but i never called it love, I chatted to her a long time before I even considered going to meet her. I went to the philippines because yes I wanted to meet her, shes sweet and charming, and I was travelling to Thailand anyway, so i just extended it and went on to the phils. Was I sure she wasn't scamming me? No I wasn't sure at all, if she is its for a green card and entry to the US, i still sometimes think thats all she wants, time will tell. I've asked her this before and she doesn't outright deny it. If you're ok with your decision then thats fine. It's just that you seem to be putting a lot of effort, time and money into someone who doesn't seem trustworthy, thats all.

Love is relative. Each person has their own definition of the degrees of love. The love you have for someone month 1, year 3, and year 30 all differ. I do understand where you are coming from but the value of each person's time and money is also subjective. Yes, I am going to Nigeria to visit him but I don't see that as any different than me dropping $1500.00 to visit someone I met on the internet in California or Vegas for the weekend. I'm just traveling farther in this case. No matter how you look at it it is still unsafe and risky to visit someone you don't know.

All in all, you can't trust anyone fully whether they are in California, Florida, Phillipines, Thailand, Nigeria or in your same city until you meet them and spend time with them. The fact that you were traveling to Thailand anyway is extraneous information. I'm sure "she" was more of a reason for you going to Thailand than "I was going to that neck of the woods any way." I had plans to visit Nigeria and Ghana at some point in my lifetime because of all the African movies I watch but hey I suppose meeting E has made it possible for me to now kill 2 birds with 1 stone as well.

I am not opposed to living in Nigeria and E has expressed that if that is something I wish to do to dispel this whole green card issue he has no problem with it. It may very well be something I may explore in the future but right now I don't have the money/income to make a nice life in Nigeria but I will be working on securing some roots there and possibly opening a small business in the future. I have already bounced some good business ideas his way and we believe it may prove positive.

i still sometimes think thats all she wants, time will tell. I've asked her this before and she doesn't outright deny it. It's just that you seem to be putting a lot of effort, time and money into someone who doesn't seem trustworthy, thats all.

No disrespect intended but this sure sounds like a case of the pot calling the kettle black to me. Again, no disrespect intended. Just restating what I said in a previous post - I analyze every word that is written and I also try to understand the words that may be unwritten.

For all the posters that have taken the time to respond to my post........ I truly do appreciate your advice and I am listening.

Edited August 1, 2008 by lmnop123

[BESANGIN 0]

Imnop123,

Even though I personally think your situation got more red flags than all those that will fly in Bejing for the Olympics , I gotta say, "Do yo' Thang, GIRLFRIEND!!!!!" Life is too short, and sometimes we do have to take a chance, but if you are a religious woman, is your decision led by God, or is your desire to be with the man at all costs? Oh I knew mine was from God, otherwise how did I meet the perfect man more than 8,000 miles away? What I have always said from the day I first posted my story is that we are all grown A$$ women, makin' grown A$$ decisions whether they are good or bad. The key is to make sure that you don't invest more than you can afford to invest financially or emotionally. Because if it works, you will get a return on your investment tenfold, and if it don't, you will have enough strength to survive and become an even better woman than you started, 'cause you stared Satan in the face and whooped his A$$!

Angelic, where in the HELL where you when I needed to hear YOUR story? Same script, different cast! That is another thing I have always said that brought on some struck nerves. If yo' man or wo MAN ain't investing anything in the relationship besides good ding ding or good meow, then you got a problem. It's sad for me to say, but the best and consistent thing about my marriage was the daily supply of BOOM SHAKA LAKA!!!!!!!A good man will be a good man in ALL seasons, and just because his A$$ gets transplanted in God's own country does not automatically make him a responsible man! So if he is on the internet and the phone with you during work hours EVERYDAY, don't think he's gonna come over here and work like the valliant young boys and men selling LaCasera and sausage rolls on the streets of Lagos to support their families! It AIN'T GON' HAPPEN!!!

Now another thing I found quite amusing was when I was going through my visa journey, I was everybody's DAMN WIFE!!!! I think it was OUR IYAWO? If I'm wrong my Yoruba bros and sis' correct me. But when his A$$ acted a fool, I was no longer Morenike Iyawo, but the ex wife in America!!! Now when my Nigerian friends here in the states and in Nigeria saw what went down between us they started singing like canaries!!!! " You should neva trust Nigerians!!!!! (their words to me, not mine, so don't get touchy). I said, " then why the hell you tell me this NOW and not THEN!!!!? " We just pray that God will be wit you and 'im". RIGHT!!!!

Now I call my visajourney period my Crack Period, 'cause when I put that crack pipe down, and my lasik eye surgery kicked in and I got 20/20 vision, I saw EVERYTHING crystal clearly! I can't tell you what made me take leave of my senses, and believe me, I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent and self sufficient young woman who became Dumb & Dumber when I met my ex..... Yes I can tell you what made me trip... it was the draw of the Candy Stick!!!! So anyway girl, go get yo' love on! Let your heart and inhibitions go, and drop it like it's hot AMERICAN STYLE, but don't let go of your common sense and your female intuition, because as women we like to ignore it when it's whispering something we don't want to hear. Now go get the Red Light Special, and work it like a champion, 'cause either you will walk away having the best DAMN Smack Down of your life, or you will have a good partner who will dish up Red Light Specials on a daily basis for life, AND without the aid of VIAGRA!!!!!! Peace!!!

[Simply_Uno 1]

Imnop123,

Even though I personally think your situation got more red flags than all those that will fly in Bejing for the Olympics , I gotta say, "Do yo' Thang, GIRLFRIEND!!!!!" Life is too short, and sometimes we do have to take a chance, but if you are a religious woman, is your decision led by God, or is your desire to be with the man at all costs? Oh I knew mine was from God, otherwise how did I meet the perfect man more than 8,000 miles away? What I have always said from the day I first posted my story is that we are all grown A$$ women, makin' grown A$$ decisions whether they are good or bad. The key is to make sure that you don't invest more than you can afford to invest financially or emotionally. Because if it works, you will get a return on your investment tenfold, and if it don't, you will have enough strength to survive and become an even better woman than you started, 'cause you stared Satan in the face and whooped his A$$!

Angelic, where in the HELL where you when I needed to hear YOUR story? Same script, different cast! That is another thing I have always said that brought on some struck nerves. If yo' man or wo MAN ain't investing anything in the relationship besides good ding ding or good meow, then you got a problem. It's sad for me to say, but the best and consistent thing about my marriage was the daily supply of BOOM SHAKA LAKA!!!!!!!A good man will be a good man in ALL seasons, and just because his A$$ gets transplanted in God's own country does not automatically make him a responsible man! So if he is on the internet and the phone with you during work hours EVERYDAY, don't think he's gonna come over here and work like the valliant young boys and men selling LaCasera and sausage rolls on the streets of Lagos to support their families! It AIN'T GON' HAPPEN!!!

Now another thing I found quite amusing was when I was going through my visa journey, I was everybody's DAMN WIFE!!!! I think it was OUR IYAWO? If I'm wrong my Yoruba bros and sis' correct me. But when his A$$ acted a fool, I was no longer Morenike Iyawo, but the ex wife in America!!! Now when my Nigerian friends here in the states and in Nigeria saw what went down between us they started singing like canaries!!!! " You should neva trust Nigerians!!!!! (their words to me, not mine, so don't get touchy). I said, " then why the hell you tell me this NOW and not THEN!!!!? " We just pray that God will be wit you and 'im". RIGHT!!!!

Now I call my visajourney period my Crack Period, 'cause when I put that crack pipe down, and my lasik eye surgery kicked in and I got 20/20 vision, I saw EVERYTHING crystal clearly! I can't tell you what made me take leave of my senses, and believe me, I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent and self sufficient young woman who became Dumb & Dumber when I met my ex..... Yes I can tell you what made me trip... it was the draw of the Candy Stick!!!! So anyway girl, go get yo' love on! Let your heart and inhibitions go, and drop it like it's hot AMERICAN STYLE, but don't let go of your common sense and your female intuition, because as women we like to ignore it when it's whispering something we don't want to hear. Now go get the Red Light Special, and work it like a champion, 'cause either you will walk away having the best DAMN Smack Down of your life, or you will have a good partner who will dish up Red Light Specials on a daily basis for life, AND without the aid of VIAGRA!!!!!! Peace!!!

and that vj'ers and vj'erettes was and is "BE" tellinit like it T-I-is

[lmnop123 0]

I don't know if it is something in what I wrote or what but I am not desperate to be with E or any man for that matter. I am also not willing to be with any man at all costs. I think I have made myself clear by saying that I am willing to try to be with E but that I am not going to throw myself under a bus to make it happen. I feel as though we have a special connection and I am willing to pursue it. People lie all the time when meeting someone in person or online (i.e. married/single, gay/straight, rich/poor, looking for a relationship/just want sex) to get what they want but I guess those people aren't scammers just liars. If it were financially and time wise feasible to date him I would explore that option but I have no interest in having a transatlantic long distance, emailing, instant messaging relationship for a year to try and avoid the same thing that could happen now if that is his motive. I am going there to meet someone I find special, see how it goes, come home, give it a reasonable timeframe to come together and begin our lives together or decide to let it go.

E knows that I ain't dealing with no non-working man. I have told him so I don't need to explain on that one. I don't care if his candy stick is dipped in gold. I have never been hooked on sex to that degree and even though I like sex I don't like it to the degree that it would cause me to loose my mind. Everyone is not hung up on sex in their life. Sex is in the top 5 things I enjoy doing but it is not at the top. Believe me I was perfectly content living my life as I pleased and getting the occasional something something when I felt the need to hook up. If E is under the impression that he is going to come here, sex me then live off me for free he got another thing coming because that will never happen. I will personally drop his a** off in front of the Embassy with a return ticket home to Nigeria. I have and never will be under any man's spell to make me accept supporting him and in E's case the support will end when he gets authorization to work.

We talk all the time about the difficulties of American life. I discuss these things with him to give him a realistic view of what life is like here. Hard, long working hours, with little time for the things that you enjoy. I have told him many of the things I have written (he's not surprised at all) and received from the forum. We discuss the commentary given for this post and we use it to help our situation. Yes, we both get a little down and discouraged when I talk to him about the posts but we end with building each other up. We have decided that we ARE moving forward and seeing where the road takes us. Whether that is together forever or him at the doorstep of the Embassy with a return ticket home time will tell. I also told E about the "Does Your SO Miss Home" thread to get an inside view of the feelings of those that have immigrated to this country. I also told him about the being black in america series (I saw a week long program like it last year) and I am trying to find a way for him to view it.

I am not an overly religious person but the one thing E and I have in common is dream interpretation. After he came clean about his identity, we both have dreams a minimum of once per week that progress in the same direction that our relationship is progressing. When one of us has a dream we share our dream and interpret it together. In the beginning the dreams gave us separate choices but as we get to know each other better our dreams depict symbols of us having the choice to build a life together. Whether the dreams will come to fruition only time will tell but with each dream our relationship gets stronger because we know we are closer in agreement to being together as 1. With each dream we become more and more confident that this visa journey will go smoothly for us because no matter how you crack it we know that the possibility is there for us to be together in the very near future. I know that everyone reading this will not understand this paragraph, many will think it is bologna, but it doesn't matter because I have always used my dreams for information and guidance and I have yet to be led down the wrong path. Do I believe that E is heaven sent? No, not necessarily but after I found out "our truth" I prayed and asked God to help me make the right decision in regard to E and I believe that I am receiving weekly confirmation that I am where I am suppose to be at this moment.

Again, I am not here to defend my decision to pursue a relationship with E. That was not the subject of the post. In my very first post, I asked for advice on helping us choose the right route to be together because we have already moved pass the "scam" issue.

We are looking forward not backward.

Edited August 1, 2008 by lmnop123

[Simply_Uno 1]

Wow, this thread has really become "in your face" informative .

I love that type of honesty, the more brutal the bedda .

To the OP, I honestly don't think (and I could very well be wrong) anyone is purposefully harping on the "scam" issue .

I do believe (and yet again, I could very well be wrong again) that all here on some level just want to assist you crossing each and everyone of your "i's" and dotting your "t's" .

I think the scam issue keeps popping up due to its prevalence in these types of relationships and the fact that you initially brought up the "red" flags that you noticed and then you decided to move ahead .

Please don't take it personally, but take it .

Kinda like a yearly flu shot (you dont want it, but the dr. says you need it due to the prevalence of the flu...so you bend over) .

I, personally; don't adhere to the "scam" policy for each and every failed transatlantic relationship .

Sometimes, people grow apart, were not meant to be, or the grass was not as green as one thought .

I admire your forethought and your hindsight and my hats off to ya .

I subscribe to "what God has for me is for me, and I dare you to change his mind!"

So do ya thang girl and enjoy the ride, I did .

UNO

p.s. I got off my ride 'cuz UNO don't like rollercoasters @ the carnival, the town fair or emotional

Edited August 1, 2008 by unononehigher

[BESANGIN 0]

My sister, please don't get upset and take my words as a personal attack. One thing you will know about me is that I will always be honest and speak my truth, even about the dumb choices I made. Now you said you don't know what in what you wrote makes us think, feel or believe ( don't want to quote you directly ' cause I for got the exact words) but you are dealing with lots of people who for years and many months have been there done that and are doing that, and our eyes have and will see a lot when it comes to these type of relationships. My journey started in 2003. So when these knowledgeable people come and say your words are making the hair on their neck stand up, that is not to put you down, but that is to give you something to work with on ALL FRONTS and ANGLES. Being successful at EMBASSY HELL in Lagos is not making sure that your paperwork is in order and you got enough pictures. It takes a hell of a lot more than that, and if they smell a rat, FORGET IT!!!! They will put you through HELL!!! THEY TRAIN CO's in LAGOS to ship them to other countries to work because they know that it is scam central!!!! I know people high up in MBC and they say it is SOP. You my sister are the first person I have ever known who has not been like a school girl when she falls in love. Can you find a way to bottle that up and sell it? I think we could all benefit from a potion that allows us to love without limits and still keep our senses about us.

One'st again, when you are in love with that intial passion, oh yeah, the physical desire for that person is great, and that is just the physical side of expressing that love and passion, so encouraging you to enjoy him physically was not my saying you are desperate. Determined, YES, but not desperate. Again you are grown. Do Yo' Thang!!! Let me clarify something else, to me it does not matter if your situation is domestic or abroad, a man is a man PERIOD, and if you came on here and wrote that you were going to marry or get engaged to man you met here after spending physical time with him for a week, I would say WHOA!!!!! That what be kinda one of those What Happens in Vegas.......The difference in this journey is that there are higher stakes and consequences to your actions. One'st more again, YOU'RE GROWN! Your decisions and consequences are your own. You will find here that people may not like or agree with those choices. Some will say so, some will not, but we do support each other no matter what. Same thing with me. My family and friends wanted to have me committed, but they knew that it was my choice and decision, so they supported me when I started smoking the pipe to when I went to recovery. Never said I told you so, they just helped by loving me through the pain and withdrawal.

One'st again lastly, Do yo' THANG!!!!!! I believe in being my sisters keeper even when the words may sting. Some people won't care enough to tell you that you got a stalk of broccoli in your teeth, or that you need a tic tac, but I will. Not to demean, degrade or pour hatorade ( DAMN I made a rhyme), but to give you another piece to consider. Take care my sis. I'll see you around on the block later.

UNO, after I finish my book, you and I need to write one called: P.H.A.T. Sisters Wisdom From the Ghetto. I smell best seller ......MO MONEY MO MONEY!!!!!!

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Something else that is concerning that has not been mentioned is the time you spent talking online. It is extremely expensive to get online in Nigeria. Only people with money have it at home that have to contend with the power outages to boot.

If he was trying to scam you, he is online trying to scam others while he maintains this relationship with you.

So even if your relationship has turned legit there is a good chance he is scamming other people. Scammers do not fall in love and just stop scamming. This is his way of life and if he found his way to it he will continue until another form of money is available. Would you want to be with someone who scams for a living? Even if it is there only way of making a means?

If someone is sick in the hospital in Nigeria you are not chatting online at all unless you are rich. Internet cafe's are expensive and per minute use. Some are owned by scammer so that is when a scammer is set up for free, because they are bringing in an income. Mutual people will pretend to be one person so that if one is in the cafe they can correspond for the person who might not be able to make it in.

I only wish you the best. No one doubt you or your capabliities or mean to insult you. These scammers are educated people with degrees and no place to use them.

You will get support with your journey no matter what you chose so keep comming back. It works if you work it! *wink

[We_Destiny 1]

Not to get off topic. . But..... BESANGIN......I hope your still on track with your transformation.... How is skinny coming along?

I recall you posted your skinny face picture...it was so encouraging...

I need to pm you and find out your method.