new life and a lot of stress

[kazuki 0]

Hello everyone. How are you? I moved to the US in June and married my husband. Ok, first, it was ok. After a month living with my mother in law in a crazy situation, I have so much stress and feel very depressed.

I used to be a student in the US and graduated from American university. Of course I was single at that time and I enjoyed my American life pretty much. I enjoyed studying, working on campus, interacting with many students etc.

Now, I have education with no job, no be able to earn, and live with my mother in law, too. I like her, but she is not my biological mother and there are tons of things she does which upset me. There is no way I can consider her like my real mother. I am sure people in this site have some similar experiences. The biggest issue is money and her not understanding common sense.

It drives me crazy and now, I am really having a hard time dealing with it. I did not even tell her how much money we have. She takes me everywhere, but everything is soo expensive and there is no need for me to buy expensive things while my husband is working crazy to make money.

I feel so stressed out and started getting so upset easily. I know it is not very healthy. Until I get EAD, I have no idea how to kill this boring and crazy time. I really hate to spend money since I have no job.

Maybe just for new environment or not having school, different culture, language etc.

Anyone here to share some experiences?

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Try volunteering while you can work. Good way of getting out of the house, meeting folks in your area and making potential job connections.

[raphael7546 0]

Hello everyone. How are you? I moved to the US in June and married my husband. Ok, first, it was ok. After a month living with my mother in law in a crazy situation, I have so much stress and feel very depressed.

I used to be a student in the US and graduated from American university. Of course I was single at that time and I enjoyed my American life pretty much. I enjoyed studying, working on campus, interacting with many students etc.

Now, I have education with no job, no be able to earn, and live with my mother in law, too. I like her, but she is not my biological mother and there are tons of things she does which upset me. There is no way I can consider her like my real mother. I am sure people in this site have some similar experiences. The biggest issue is money and her not understanding common sense.

It drives me crazy and now, I am really having a hard time dealing with it. I did not even tell her how much money we have. She takes me everywhere, but everything is soo expensive and there is no need for me to buy expensive things while my husband is working crazy to make money.

I feel so stressed out and started getting so upset easily. I know it is not very healthy. Until I get EAD, I have no idea how to kill this boring and crazy time. I really hate to spend money since I have no job.

Maybe just for new environment or not having school, different culture, language etc.

Anyone here to share some experiences?

Maybe you're spending too much time at home with your mother-in-law.

If your still waiting for EAD, how about volunteering your time while you wait?

While I was waiting for EAD I volunteered at the Aerospace Museum doing office work. It gave me something to do, got me out of the house, mingled with people and kept my skills up to date.

What did you study prior to moving permamently to the states? If it was something like teaching you could volunteer tutoring elementary students at thier school or a public library. If you enjoy history, volunteer at a museum. If you're in a medical type field, try using your free time working with Red Cross or reading to the Blind, volunteering at a local hospital or retirment home.

There's tions of places that would welcome your help!

Search online for your city's comerce, or find a charity that you would like to support and call them up.

[Mononoke28 135]

Living with mothers in-law is never a good idea for most people, so don't feel you're the only one in this situation. You can ignore her for now and try to talk to your husband about it so that the situation becomes temporary, that way you'll know you'll be happier once you live on your own.

I also think volunteering will help out a great deal to keep yourself busy. There are many people who need this kind of help, like hospitals for example and that should help you until you can start working.

Diana

[Jeraly 4]

I've been looking (albeit briefly) for volunteer work as well in my area but there doesn't seem to be much. Of course I don't have a mother in law to contend with - it's just me and my cat when Jeremy is at work. I can relate to being bored - I spend much of the time on the internet or playing on our PS3 (I am a geek at heart ).

I know other friends of mine bake and cook. Eventually I am going to start making jewellery again. Today I just put together a chair that was flat-packed... little things like that help to pass the time. I've also picked up some cheap plants and terracotta pots and repotted them to look after - I have a few cacti and other plants that take up some time watering etc - especially in the desert!!

You could also try www.meetup.com - it's a site that I have signed up to and have met a couple of people on there already with similar interests to me - we meet up every couple of weeks which is nice because even though I go with Jeremy, it feels like I have made friends myself instead of relying on him for his friends.

Maybe you could try and learn a new craft or hobby? Take up yoga, swimming, aerobics or learn to crochet, knit or sew. Scrapbooking is huge here as well so you might find that could keep you occupied for a bit - maybe you can find websites and make a wishlist of all the things you want to buy for when you are no longer living with your mother in law and have a job yourself

Drop me a line if you want to chat - there are many of us all in the same situation and sharing ideas is always nice

[Minya's wife 25]

Now, I have education with no job, no be able to earn, and live with my mother in law, too. I like her, but she is not my biological mother and there are tons of things she does which upset me. There is no way I can consider her like my real mother. I am sure people in this site have some similar experiences. The biggest issue is money and her not understanding common sense.

It drives me crazy and now, I am really having a hard time dealing with it. I did not even tell her how much money we have. She takes me everywhere, but everything is soo expensive and there is no need for me to buy expensive things while my husband is working crazy to make money.

I feel so stressed out and started getting so upset easily. I know it is not very healthy. Until I get EAD, I have no idea how to kill this boring and crazy time. I really hate to spend money since I have no job.

All good suggestions about volunteering to help pass the time until EAD is granted.

There is no reason why you should have to consider your MIL as your real mother....she may be doing things (like taking you everywhere) because as you're not working she's attempting to alleviate your boredom. Depending on your interests, perhaps you can ask your MIL to take you to places that do not involve spending much money and are still enjoyable...museums, libraries are two that I can think of right off the bat. Just because she's taking you places does not mean you have to spend money...why would you feel that you have to buy anything? As far as $$ goes...perhaps you can have a general discussion with her about how your views on spending differ from hers. Rather than telling your MIL how much money you have (or do not have) perhaps you and your husband can explain to her a little about your finances by stressing that with only him working you don't want to overextend yourself by making unnecessary purchases.

good luck,

-P

[kazuki 0]

Thank you very much for answering me. I love those ideas. The worst part is that I have no car. So I need to figure out how to get around here with a bus. Well, I might try to volunteer somewhere or do some exercise.

I am interested in working with seniors, so I might try to find some volunteer jobs at senior homes.

[Steve'sGirl 0]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I can imagine that it's getting to you living with your mother-in-law and just sitting around waiting for the EAD to come through. I'd have a talk with her and tell her that you need your space without being rude. You have to set boundaries now. If you wait too long your mother-in-law will continue to interfere in your life.

On another note, talk to your husband and see if there is any chance that the two of you can get your own place. Even though I do get along very well with my in-laws, I know it would never work if we lived under one roof. Eventually, those tensions will have a negative impact on your marriage.

Like the other posters said, try to get out of the house as much as possible. Take long walks, etc.

I hope everything will fall into place for you!!!

[kazuki 0]

Thank you so much for your advice. Yes, I had a huge discussion with my husband that, you know what, if your mom has a money problem and no place to go, it is her problem and I am not going to spend a penny for that.

I have my biological mother and just we married, it does not mean that I have to spend money that I earn for her. And we decided to move out once I have a job.

Right now I am living with my husband income and saved some money that I brought from my home for emergency.

So once I have some income, I can move to the apartment without facing crazy financial problems. Since apartment rent in Orange Country CA is over 1000 for one studio, we have to end up living so cheap. But, we are not going to have a child which we decided before marriage. So all of my income can go to both rent and saving.

[KarenCee 3]

Why do you feel that you must assume your mother in law is the same as your biological mother? I guess that's the tone I get from reading your post. Why do you feel that your mother in law is having money problems and has no place to go if it is you and your husband living with her? Ya gotta also remember, she is HIS biological mother though and is a member of the family, albeit extended. I do know from personal experience, having what sounds like animosity towards your husband's mother could quite possibly create marital problems. Just MHO of course...and personal experience speaking here.

I do think getting out and volunteering will help you, that's for sure. Is there a bus that comes nearby? If so, find a schedule, find out where the bus stops are, and find a place to volunteer.

Good luck.

[Jeraly 4]

Thank you very much for answering me. I love those ideas. The worst part is that I have no car. So I need to figure out how to get around here with a bus. Well, I might try to volunteer somewhere or do some exercise.

I am interested in working with seniors, so I might try to find some volunteer jobs at senior homes.

Good for you - sounds like a great place to start

[kazuki 0]

I do not have to consider her like my real mother. But, it is a cultural thing. In Japan, once a woman marries a man, a mother in law becomes very special. Well, I grew up in such a countryside town, so you know, that's what everyone thinks. But, you know, of course, who cares in here. No ways, she is not related to me. So her problem should be helped by her sons. Not in laws.

ya, I will do many best to do something. I will start looking for good internships, too. Thank you so much everyone.

[bora bora 1]

I do not have to consider her like my real mother. But, it is a cultural thing. In Japan, once a woman marries a man, a mother in law becomes very special. Well, I grew up in such a countryside town, so you know, that's what everyone thinks. But, you know, of course, who cares in here. No ways, she is not related to me. So her problem should be helped by her sons. Not in laws.

ya, I will do many best to do something. I will start looking for good internships, too. Thank you so much everyone.

www.volunteermatch.org

[melusine 5]

I am happy that you saw some good advices here which gave you some new ideas.

Difference of culture can sometime be uneasy to overcome.

I am living the same kind of situation but take it differently.

Basically we are living with my inlaws, and one of his sister (who went through a divorce a couple of years ago but just found someone from UK) and her daughter, as well as with one of his brother who will be here for the summer (he study far the rest if the year).

His Mom is also all of a phenomenon. I do like her overall and try to stay neutral toward her relationship with money (even if i disapprove big chunks of it). At some point she asked if i would like to see some decoration place (loads of decoration store etc) and i said why not at the time.....I wanted to die.... (not because of the shopping itself (even if a couple of things made me raise an eyebrows) but for the way she drive...! lol) At least she have a cool car, and the only thing i was able to tell myself was that if i die at least, I'll die in style !!

Out from that, she do work a lot and is very busy. Sometime she can be very very sweet, sometime quite manipulative.... i have a hard time figuring it out 99% of the time !

Out from that, i am living in a house, up in a hill, with no public transportation anytime close, and no car, no income.

What i do most of my day is work, work, work ! learning new software, making contacts in the industry i am working in, organizing myself to have a kick ### start when i will actually start looking for a job. I organized a budget system for my sweety and I so we can stay focused on starting to pay our debts (theses last month have been costly with all the immigration stuff etc).

Your mother in law is not your mother but is related to you somehow, just be friendly and stay neutral and try avoid judging as the way she is living her life.

Also it's nice that she allows you two to stay there while your situation improve I am in LA aswell.... so i know what kind of renting cost you are facing

I hope for the best for you