Fear of it not working out

[bora bora 1]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

I remember this from a class a few years ago...1 out of 2 marriages will end in divorce, but marriages where the couple lived together prior to marrying have an 80% chance of ending in divorce.

I think that we have to be careful about this statistic. Some couples date for years, then move in together (maybe because they feel they should),then get married because they want to, or because that's the next step - some feel a lot of pressure from family/friends - and then they get divorced. Maybe those that lived together got married for the wrong reasons so they were the the people whose relationship ended in a divorce.

I don't think that there is a path we have to follow in order to NOT get divorced. People change, sh!t happens, life happens, you know? I have a friend whose parents knew each other for 3 days before they got married. Her mom is Korean and her father is Uruguayan (but his parents are from Hungary) - completely different cultures and languages - everything. However, they've been happily married for over 25 years. Then there are couples who date for YEARS and then divorce soon after the marriage. I don't believe there is a formula for a perfect marriage...there are no guarantees.

[Scott and Iryna 2]

I dont think you would be saying that if it came time for a divorce and you have to dish out more money, not to mention what you could lose. So not only would you be losing your "love" but a lot of other stuff that you love too.

That's why it is a very smart idea to have a fair prenuptial agreement drawn up.

[Staashi 371]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

I remember this from a class a few years ago...1 out of 2 marriages will end in divorce, but marriages where the couple lived together prior to marrying have an 80% chance of ending in divorce.

I think that we have to be careful about this statistic. Some couples date for years, then move in together (maybe because they feel they should),then get married because they want to, or because that's the next step - some feel a lot of pressure from family/friends - and then they get divorced. Maybe those that lived together got married for the wrong reasons so they were the the people whose relationship ended in a divorce.

I don't think that there is a path we have to follow in order to NOT get divorced. People change, sh!t happens, life happens, you know? I have a friend whose parents knew each other for 3 days before they got married. Her mom is Korean and her father is Uruguayan (but his parents are from Hungary) - completely different cultures and languages - everything. However, they've been happily married for over 25 years. Then there are couples who date for YEARS and then divorce soon after the marriage. I don't believe there is a formula for a perfect marriage...there are no guarantees.

It doesn't matter about what couples do or don't do...that is the statistic. So, based on all parties involved, one out of two marriages will end in divorce; then, when couples who were divorcing had been asked about cohabitating prior to marriage 80% of them admitted to living together as an unwed couple.

[baxxy 0]

I dont think you would be saying that if it came time for a divorce and you have to dish out more money, not to mention what you could lose. So not only would you be losing your "love" but a lot of other stuff that you love too.

That's why it is a very smart idea to have a fair prenuptial agreement drawn up.

Excellent advice. I have no intentions of splitting my material belongings, that I obtained by myself, with anyone should things not go as planned.

[Laura+Tom 2]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

I remember this from a class a few years ago...1 out of 2 marriages will end in divorce, but marriages where the couple lived together prior to marrying have an 80% chance of ending in divorce.

So I have an 80% chance of divorcing my OH. That's reassuring.

Edited July 28, 2008 by LauraUK

[DanielParul 50]

oh yes SKYPE

you can talk for free every day

I talk to my man on average 2 hours a day (sometime 6 or 7 hours)

I have done that for 20 months

that's a lot of talking

the quality of our communication has become excellent

so I feel like I really know him

I LOVE SKYPE

Thats a really good piece of advice. We talked 2-3 hrs everyday on an average for 15 months, so the communication became really easy. We also discussed everything from the excitement of being together to the worries. Its important to be really comfortable with each other. Don't just be lovers, try to become each other's best friend and keep in mind - 2 different individuals will have differences. How much are you both willing to work them out is what matters.

Being honest about your feelings is a very good start. Do what you feel is right

[Staashi 371]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

I remember this from a class a few years ago...1 out of 2 marriages will end in divorce, but marriages where the couple lived together prior to marrying have an 80% chance of ending in divorce.

So I have an 80% chance of divorcing my OH. That's reassuring.

Yeah, it's a lovely statistic...after learning about it, I advise my friends not to live together before marriage if they want to have half a chance.

May you be in that 20%! Good Luck!

[RyaNRiza 1]

i've thought about this a lot. to the point i almost actually gotten sick. i've come to the conclusion: quit worring & do what i can to reduce or eliminate any problems that will occur or worring about this will cause the problems. (homesickness/comfort/daily life) i've set up a chikka account for her to text like crazy to her friends & family back home, got her yahoo login set up for chats back home. set up an owtell account for cheaper phone calls home. started attending a local catholic church w/ a large filipino membership, made contact w/ the local filipino association. direct tv-FTV not avalible to me coz i live in an apartment that does not allow satelites...so...got filipino tv & radio sites saved in my favorites (on my home computer..pm me if you want the links & i'll send them to you when i get home) located several local asian markets- for familier foods. bought her a couple step stools to reach things...etc. shhh don't tell her...i've already started saving $$ for a return visit after we get AP.

(not getting along) that can happen in any relationship. you can't let it consume your thoughts, do your best & be sure the communication between you is open & flowing at all times. its a marriage its going to take work on both sides. you just have to deal w/ things as they come up.

btw: i'm leaving 7-27 to attend her going away party & escort her thru POE. she's coming home....hehehehehe!

[PlatyPius 5]

I cant help but have this fear about things not working out when my fiancee arrives here, eventually. I mean shes coming here alone, she has no family or friends here, I am it for her. Now the thing is, what if things just dont work out for us here? Ive been to visit her a few times already and the most we spent together straight was 2 weeks. We had great times but that was just a vacation. You never really know anybody unless you live with them, it doesnt matter how much phone/IM communication you have. So what if things dont go like we thought? Does anyone here ever think about this? Does anyone know of this happening to anyone?

If you fear it won't work out; it won't. You'll kill it with your fear.

[spookyturtle 9,465]

I dont think you would be saying that if it came time for a divorce and you have to dish out more money, not to mention what you could lose. So not only would you be losing your "love" but a lot of other stuff that you love too.

That's why it is a very smart idea to have a fair prenuptial agreement drawn up.

Excellent advice. I have no intentions of splitting my material belongings, that I obtained by myself, with anyone should things not go as planned.

I still think you really need to do some soul searching and decide whether you truly love this woman or not. It seems from the tone of your postings that you really aren't ready for this. You're making plans on what to do if it fails and you aren't married yet. Not good, IMHO. Why do you want to marry her? What are the positives of your relationship? What are your common interests and goals, what do you want out of life? Why do you want this woman in your life?

[Laura+Tom 2]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

I remember this from a class a few years ago...1 out of 2 marriages will end in divorce, but marriages where the couple lived together prior to marrying have an 80% chance of ending in divorce.

So I have an 80% chance of divorcing my OH. That's reassuring.

Yeah, it's a lovely statistic...after learning about it, I advise my friends not to live together before marriage if they want to have half a chance.

May you be in that 20%! Good Luck!

Oh I read it as 'not living together'. So we'll be ok then lol.

[Scarlett 0]

I sort of regret bringing up this 'stats' debate, it was really just a way for me to say that hopefully we have a better chance to success because we get used to prioritising our relationship in our lives and working hard to make the other person secure and happy. This is certainly how I feel about mine (after 20 months - and several 'wobbles' of course).

There are all kinds of different relationships on this forum with all kinds of people involved. I find stats interesting (geek) but we shouldn't read anything into them when we are making decisions.

[Sherri and Matt 1]

You do not seem sure of things. Listen to your gut and don't make any commitments until you are sure.

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. We all have fears and I asked my SO what if he hates it here? He said "then I leave" with a shrug. So the worst case senario for that is, he goes back to the UK.

If we didn't do this, then I would miss out on the love of my life. That is worst thing of all.

There are so many things that make me sure of him, things about his character, his morals, the kind of person he is, and how I feel when I am with him. When you know, you know.

When you work hard for something it means more. We try to teach kids this, to earn things they really want so they appreciate it more. This is an incredibly difficult situation, and we are working so hard to be together, we won't take it for granted.

[Big Papa Zone 93]

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. We all have fears and I asked my SO what if he hates it here? He said "then I leave" with a shrug.

Don't sugar-coat it, Matt, just say it like it is!

Fair play to the bloke!

[Sherri and Matt 1]

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. We all have fears and I asked my SO what if he hates it here? He said "then I leave" with a shrug.

Don't sugar-coat it, Matt, just say it like it is!

Fair play to the bloke!

I should have gone on to say he follows that up with "It will work, I will make it work and I won't hate it there, now stop WORRYING, you worry too much."