Fear of it not working out

[Big Papa Zone 93]

I cant help but have this fear about things not working out when my fiancee arrives here, eventually. I mean shes coming here alone, she has no family or friends here, I am it for her. Now the thing is, what if things just dont work out for us here? Ive been to visit her a few times already and the most we spent together straight was 2 weeks. We had great times but that was just a vacation. You never really know anybody unless you live with them, it doesnt matter how much phone/IM communication you have. So what if things dont go like we thought? Does anyone here ever think about this? Does anyone know of this happening to anyone?

I have highlighted the bit where you've hit the nail on the head. This is exactly why me and 'er indoors didn't rush into marriage; we needed to see if we were truly compatible, and the only way you can acsertain that is to live together. Solution? Easy - I went over there for 2 years on a student visa. She only kicked me out once, too - that's when I knew we were meant for each other.

[Scarlett 0]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

It is scary being the one immigrating too, we are leaving everything in the hope that we can make a better life if we have LOVE. But one thing I am clear about is that it is primarily up to me to make my new life, with the love and support of my husband.

One thing we do have in our favour is time to talk things through. Me and my man talk about our future, our habits, our bad habits! so there won't be too many surprises. Talk to your girl, see if she is worried or happy to take the risk.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better? I think I read some time ago that people who co-habit before marriage are more likely to divorce. There could be all kinds of reasons for that. But I kind of like this old fashioned way

(Final word: listen to your guts. If you consistently feel this is wrong, don't ignore yourself. I stayed in my last relationship for 7 years knowing in my heart that it wasn't meant to last - I wouldn't wish that on anyone)

[baxxy 0]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

[Dias Melhores 0]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

Forget the stats and the odds.. There is no 100% guarantee for a happy marriage based on stats. If there was a 100% guarantee then someone would market it, package it, and become a billionaire selling it.

You know the answer inside. Listen to yourself and make your own decision...

[pcana 0]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

Every experience is diferent,every couple is diferent, I only spent 22 days with my husband prior to his moving to the USA but the thing is that we always knew from the very begining that we wanted to be together and spend the rest of our lives together and after six months living the REAL LIFE as a married couple I only have to say that it was the decision I've ever made in my entire life,not everything is perfect don't get me wrong but I can honestly say we're very happy together. If you are experiencing doubts in your relationshio perhaps it may be wise to wait and get to know each other better to make sure you're making the right choice for the both of you.

God bless

Abby

[pcana 0]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

Every experience is diferent,every couple is diferent, I only spent 22 days with my husband prior to his moving to the USA but the thing is that we always knew from the very begining that we wanted to be together and spend the rest of our lives together and after six months living the REAL LIFE as a married couple I only have to say that it was the decision I've ever made in my entire life,not everything is perfect don't get me wrong but I can honestly say we're very happy together. If you are experiencing doubts in your relationshio perhaps it may be wise to wait and get to know each other better to make sure you're making the right choice for the both of you.

God bless

Abby

Typo I meant to say it was the best dicision

[baxxy 0]

Easy - I went over there for 2 years on a student visa. She only kicked me out once, too - that's when I knew we were meant for each other.

Nice that you could do that, however, not everyone is in the position to do that including me.

[baxxy 0]

Forget the stats and the odds.. There is no 100% guarantee for a happy marriage based on stats. If there was a 100% guarantee then someone would market it, package it, and become a billionaire selling it.

Just wanted to see out of curiousity, of course I know theres no guarantees, but id like very much to see the numbers anyway.

[baxxy 0]

Forget the stats and the odds.. There is no 100% guarantee for a happy marriage based on stats.

Another reason I'd like to see some stats is because there are SO many filipina women that have been married before and have difficulty getting out of the previous marriage(s), (as witnessed on here) based on that fact alone the success rate doesnt seem to be too high, im a little concerned that a lot of these women (mine included) just want a green card. From what I can see, she loves me very much, but i cant help but have a little doubt. I'm very sceptical when it comes to this, I have one failed marriage already (not a foreigner) I certainly dont want another one.

[GauraD 0]

All I can say is I would definitley NOT being going through all of this if I wasnt totally smitten by my boy and convinced that no matter how great my life is on its own, it is so much better when shared with him! I dont have the guts to take such a big risk!

My man was the one who initially took the big risk of coming to London for 8months (we'd only been together for 3 months in India prior to that) to see if a holiday romance was something more.....and I am SOOOO glad he took that risk! I was in love with him when we were first together but the K1 wasnt an option back then because I WASNT sure if we'd be in 'love' in an 'everyday' setting dealing with normal life! So the risk you are taking is definitley bigger!!

And when he first moved here, he was different, not the confident cocky man I was used to, but a bit scared, unsure - having no job, friends or bearings does that to you! It almost broke us though, until he got his act together and did more than I ever thought he could and I got to see him shine, and his strength and fell for him even more! We both grew from the experience, and dealing with the toughness/winter of London together has made us sure that living together in a huge place in sunny America is going to be EASY! And confidant that no matter what life throws at us we can handle it together, and nothing is worth more than our love.

All I can recommend is this- if you really do feel for her and want her in your future, then be very kind and patient when she moves there. Help her as much as you can- introduce her to people/social networking forums etc, and facilitate her- the first few months WILL be hard, they ALWAYS are when moving to a new country or even back to an old country! (and even harder with the 'just married' and AOS things etc!!)

If things do get rough- try go on a mini holiday somewhere in the states together- eg Hawai!! to try remember that 'holiday' feeling (and sometimes you BOTH need a break from real life! My man and I went to the canary islands while he was here and it is my FAVOURITE memory!)

It will be hard, but bear with it, and you will both be deeper in love and more strongly connected when SHE is the one suggesting places to go and making YOU wonder where she is when shes out with friends!

Much love and best wishes to you

[pcana 0]

Forget the stats and the odds.. There is no 100% guarantee for a happy marriage based on stats.

Another reason I'd like to see some stats is because there are SO many filipina women that have been married before and have difficulty getting out of the previous marriage(s), (as witnessed on here) based on that fact alone the success rate doesnt seem to be too high, im a little concerned that a lot of these women (mine included) just want a green card. From what I can see, she loves me very much, but i cant help but have a little doubt. I'm very sceptical when it comes to this, I have one failed marriage already (not a foreigner) I certainly dont want another one.

Why do you want to see numbers?,nothing..absolutely nothing is garantee in life,stats don't have anyhting to do with love.. like I mentioned before if you're not ready to compromise,most likely if won't be susscesful. There are plenty of happy marriages among Philipinas as far I'm concern and NO,NOT everybody is after a green card.

Good luck

Abby

[SMOKE 1,426]

I cant help but have this fear about things not working out when my fiancee arrives here, eventually. I mean shes coming here alone, she has no family or friends here, I am it for her. Now the thing is, what if things just dont work out for us here? Ive been to visit her a few times already and the most we spent together straight was 2 weeks. We had great times but that was just a vacation. You never really know anybody unless you live with them, it doesnt matter how much phone/IM communication you have. So what if things dont go like we thought? Does anyone here ever think about this? Does anyone know of this happening to anyone?

i've thought about this a lot. to the point i almost actually gotten sick. i've come to the conclusion: quit worring & do what i can to reduce or eliminate any problems that will occur or worring about this will cause the problems. (homesickness/comfort/daily life) i've set up a chikka account for her to text like crazy to her friends & family back home, got her yahoo login set up for chats back home. set up an owtell account for cheaper phone calls home. started attending a local catholic church w/ a large filipino membership, made contact w/ the local filipino association. direct tv-FTV not avalible to me coz i live in an apartment that does not allow satelites...so...got filipino tv & radio sites saved in my favorites (on my home computer..pm me if you want the links & i'll send them to you when i get home) located several local asian markets- for familier foods. bought her a couple step stools to reach things...etc. shhh don't tell her...i've already started saving $$ for a return visit after we get AP.

(not getting along) that can happen in any relationship. you can't let it consume your thoughts, do your best & be sure the communication between you is open & flowing at all times. its a marriage its going to take work on both sides. you just have to deal w/ things as they come up.

btw: i'm leaving 7-27 to attend her going away party & escort her thru POE. she's coming home....hehehehehe!

[Kiv 32]

If you are too worried you may better be honest, she will thank you for it (maybe not now but latter).

If you feel in love and you think she loves you; then getting together is the best thing to do.

It can go worst than you imagined but it can also go much better than what you expected.

Sometimes you need your brain to lead and sometimes you need to follow your heart.

[Devkpaik 1]

I cant help but have this fear about things not working out when my fiancee arrives here, eventually. I mean shes coming here alone, she has no family or friends here, I am it for her. Now the thing is, what if things just dont work out for us here? Ive been to visit her a few times already and the most we spent together straight was 2 weeks. We had great times but that was just a vacation. You never really know anybody unless you live with them, it doesnt matter how much phone/IM communication you have. So what if things dont go like we thought? Does anyone here ever think about this? Does anyone know of this happening to anyone?

Baxxy,

This is why you don't rush into marriage, and don't commit to something if you're not sure about it. If the most you've spent with your fiance was 2 weeks straight, then that's not much time you've given yourself to get to know her/him and see how compatible you guys are.

If you are so worried, why are you getting married?

Good luck

[Scott and Iryna 2]

Take the full 3 months before getting married.

And as for statistics, detailed answers are hard to come by.

Here is one report, actually issued by the USCIS:

THE "MAIL-ORDER BRIDE" INDUSTRY AND ITS IMPACT ON U.S. IMMIGRATION

This report is also referenced by this Wikipedia article.

Specifically addressing your question about the divorce rate of American men marrying foreign brides:

It is interesting to note that, based largely on data provided by the agencies themselves, marriages arranged through these services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.