Habibi Has Arrived!

[AlHayatZween 2]

Let him go out with your dad or brother any male figure close to u it will give you guys a chance to miss each other !

This is a great idea, i think!

i mentioned him going out with my dad, but he has been a little resistant to it... maybe he is being a little timid, or macho?

(although, he is a little scared of my pop, too... i'll keep thinking)

[Nasturtium 500]

Let him go out with your dad or brother any male figure close to u it will give you guys a chance to miss each other !

This is a great idea, i think!

i mentioned him going out with my dad, but he has been a little resistant to it... maybe he is being a little timid, or macho?

(although, he is a little scared of my pop, too... i'll keep thinking)

Maybe he is timid about his English. I know my Dh was scared about that kind of thing, although he really likes being around my parents and was much more comfortable after he met them (he first met them when we stayed there for a week-- so it was a crash course introduction).

[mimiiw 0]

This has been really such an excellent thread/posting –I don’t usually have much to say although I come here very often to read and learn. My husband has been here with me for 11months now from Algeria, and it has not been anywhere near bliss –many many times, the adjustment has been literally so bad –both for him and for me as many of you have posted here. If anyone would have told me that my life would become a living hell, I would have never belived it in a million years.

I love him with all my heart and soul and have invested a great number of years in proving my loyalty to him but the treatment I have received from him these past few months has devastated me again and again. I keep questioning myself as to why or how I deserve this mental and emotional abuse? I keep telling myself that he has been experiencing the culture shock and that all points mentioned here in this posting regarding him being away from his family; losing his network of support. Etc etc all applies well in our case too.

There are good days yes, but the bad days have far surpassed the good ones to say the least. I try so hard to please him; and keep viewing our relationship as me totally giving and him totally taking –there seems to be not even an effort of appreciation. I have bent over backwards as all of you have done –trying to think of ways to make him more comfortable and at ease, encouraging him to always be in touch with his family –trying to adapt and learn his cuisine as best as to my ability –the list goes on and on and on… Who else worked diligently night and day trying to find him decent employment ? Who else designed and created his resume from an almost impossible translation so that people could understand over here? Who else chased after suitable jobs, over and over?? Who else in the dead of a cold winter, every single night would go and pick him up in freezing Canadian winter weather so that he wouldn’t have to take the bus home? This is in addition to the full time plus employment that I do just to make sure I can meet financial obligations per month.

I am aware that so many of them. Psyche wise –go from being the little prince over there –or a real someone –to basically a no one, when they first come here-this is all part of the cultural and adjustment period that every immigrant goes thru, I am sure –and its part of the spouse’s adjustment period too naturally –but sometimes, it is so very very hard and hurtful –I could elaborate point by point of what he does and doesn’t do; what I do and don’t but it has all been repeated and experienced here by so many of you on the forum –so I wont.

Now 11months later –I just cant say yet if I feel it has gotten any better –REALLY GOTTEN ANY BETTER –because he still seems to go into his drastic mood swings –and here in Canada , I am legally responsible for him for the first 3 years –if he ever left me and went on welfare of social assistance of any sort, I would have to pay the government back –which would totally ruin me financially. I have invested so much in trying to help him when I could since he has been here; the financial burden of suddenly having to support another person –because as of yet, he really hasn’t contributed much to help me out –when he does have a bit of money –it is always sent home to the family to help out –they come first, and sadly not me I have learned –you can imagine how that can feel after a while –and yet, when I question myself deeply and internally I still love him so deeply –but culturally, I think I have learned that, at least in my husband’s case –he says he loves me –but its not the same kind of love that I feel for him and I have tried long and hard to really understand the dynamics involved in how he thinks but it isn’t easy to accept. I keep hoping that things will get better in the future. We seem to take those steps -1 step forward and 2 steps back more often than not –but I do have to say that every once in a while, we do have good days.

I know it has been really stressful on him and continues to be both for him and for me –its all a learning process which never ends. I would like to say that he is adapting more but I’m not really sure –one thing Ive noticed –whenever I offer any advise or try to give him some words of wisdom –it usually is ignored in the long run –when a MALE colleague or whoever says the same thing to him –he listens! Grrrr! And so I plod on and try to persevere as best as I can. This forum has offered me such valuable information time and time again, and for that I am really and truly grateful to you all.

And I dont want to sound as if im one of those "oh pity me women" but I have kept all of this so deep inside for so long -cant talk to family about this naturally that finally I just had to let it out. Thank you so much for listening

[AlHayatZween 2]

Not at all Mimiiw, you definitely don't sound like a "pity me woman". i'm so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you've been having and the stress you've been under for 11 months! it sounds like you are giving it your all. i wish i could give you better advice, but as you know, my husband has only been here 5 days, so i am a newbie all over again. i can only say that in those 5 days, though we have been arguing... i don't feel unappreciated. he acknowledges again and again all that i've done and he is really trying his best to do things on his own... if anything, it's mostly me who picks the fights and is having such trouble adjusting.

i don't know if the kind of treatment you are receiving is characteristic of regular "adjustment issues" and "homesickness" and "culture shock". but i'm sure someone here can offer you better, sound advice. all i can say is take care of yourself and do what's best for you.

take care and good luck!

[morocco4ever 63]

The problem that we women have is that we give and give and give, and we want so badly to feel appreciated, and to have them treat us how we treat them. I hate to say this, but a lot of men need nudging. They see what we do as our job as their wife. Well I guess if I was in Morocco, and was a stay at home wife then I guess it would be my job. But the fact is that we not only maintain jobs, clean house, cook, laundry, etc. But then we help them with what would be considered their work, even by their standards in their home country. Basically WE are spoiling them, then blaming them for it. I know I have been guilty of it.

We love our husbands, therefore we want to make their lives as stress free as possible. But we can not forget that we are humans and can not maintain this without blowing. Sometimes we all need to step back and let them know that we are at our limits, and they are just going to have to do for themselves once in a while. Not just that, they need to help us as well.

My husband is a sweetheart, but we have our moments too, just like everyone else. I know that I just let him know I am at my wits end he backs down and really pitches in. Granted as women we don't think we should have to tell them, and they should see it for themselves like we do. But what I find time and time again is that most men don't see it, but if we tell them what we need they are very willing to help.

Well this is my input for the majority of the men that I know. I can't say it will work for everyone, or even any one. But its the best I have to offer.

[*JG* 2]

It's so stressful on both parties. Just hang in there. It takes a long time for you to acclimate. Just when you think you have, something comes up that knocks you for a whammy.

You can do this. Just be patient and communication often. Holding things in, is not good in this case. Just say what you are thinking as tactifully as you can.

[Staashi 371]

One other thing that has really thrown me for a culture shock is how long he and his family hold grudges. It's like once someone does something wrong - even if they looked at you the wrong way, they are written out of the book. Can never see them again, do anything with them - whatever. It is so untypically American, where it seems like as Americans, we forgive everyone who has ever wronged us...oh, you might remember what someone did, but it doesn't mean that you won't hang out with them again. I guess I just forgive and forget - not him.

Crazy! Sheesh - this drives me nuts.

Edited July 24, 2008 by Staashi

[amal 4]

We never have issues .... ok I admit, our life is 1 big issue after another... But we're trying and that's what counts

[Marry American 0]

many problems and issues are worth working through in order to have a partner that you love and that will love you for life

Edited July 24, 2008 by Marry American

[Nutty 2]

I feel your struggle. My first marriage to a foreigner (I sponsored him to come to USA too) was a lot like what you detailed in your post below. Unfortunately, things did not work out for us and we divorced amicably (my choice). We keep in contact and just recently my ex said he realized what a jerk he was in many situations. It just took him some time living alone and doing things himself to realize that.

Your husband may not realize what you do and how much work you put to helping him. I personally feel he needs a kick up the backside for his lack of appreciation.

Can I say something? I hope not to offend, but, if your husband's family is not living in abject poverty, then the money your husband makes should go to you. His PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITY is to his wife. That should be made clear at least, even if he sends the money to family back home.

Nutty

This has been really such an excellent thread/posting –I don’t usually have much to say although I come here very often to read and learn. My husband has been here with me for 11months now from Algeria, and it has not been anywhere near bliss –many many times, the adjustment has been literally so bad –both for him and for me as many of you have posted here. If anyone would have told me that my life would become a living hell, I would have never belived it in a million years.

I love him with all my heart and soul and have invested a great number of years in proving my loyalty to him but the treatment I have received from him these past few months has devastated me again and again. I keep questioning myself as to why or how I deserve this mental and emotional abuse? I keep telling myself that he has been experiencing the culture shock and that all points mentioned here in this posting regarding him being away from his family; losing his network of support. Etc etc all applies well in our case too.

There are good days yes, but the bad days have far surpassed the good ones to say the least. I try so hard to please him; and keep viewing our relationship as me totally giving and him totally taking –there seems to be not even an effort of appreciation. I have bent over backwards as all of you have done –trying to think of ways to make him more comfortable and at ease, encouraging him to always be in touch with his family –trying to adapt and learn his cuisine as best as to my ability –the list goes on and on and on… Who else worked diligently night and day trying to find him decent employment ? Who else designed and created his resume from an almost impossible translation so that people could understand over here? Who else chased after suitable jobs, over and over?? Who else in the dead of a cold winter, every single night would go and pick him up in freezing Canadian winter weather so that he wouldn’t have to take the bus home? This is in addition to the full time plus employment that I do just to make sure I can meet financial obligations per month.

I am aware that so many of them. Psyche wise –go from being the little prince over there –or a real someone –to basically a no one, when they first come here-this is all part of the cultural and adjustment period that every immigrant goes thru, I am sure –and its part of the spouse’s adjustment period too naturally –but sometimes, it is so very very hard and hurtful –I could elaborate point by point of what he does and doesn’t do; what I do and don’t but it has all been repeated and experienced here by so many of you on the forum –so I wont.

Now 11months later –I just cant say yet if I feel it has gotten any better –REALLY GOTTEN ANY BETTER –because he still seems to go into his drastic mood swings –and here in Canada , I am legally responsible for him for the first 3 years –if he ever left me and went on welfare of social assistance of any sort, I would have to pay the government back –which would totally ruin me financially. I have invested so much in trying to help him when I could since he has been here; the financial burden of suddenly having to support another person –because as of yet, he really hasn’t contributed much to help me out –when he does have a bit of money –it is always sent home to the family to help out –they come first, and sadly not me I have learned –you can imagine how that can feel after a while –and yet, when I question myself deeply and internally I still love him so deeply –but culturally, I think I have learned that, at least in my husband’s case –he says he loves me –but its not the same kind of love that I feel for him and I have tried long and hard to really understand the dynamics involved in how he thinks but it isn’t easy to accept. I keep hoping that things will get better in the future. We seem to take those steps -1 step forward and 2 steps back more often than not –but I do have to say that every once in a while, we do have good days.

I know it has been really stressful on him and continues to be both for him and for me –its all a learning process which never ends. I would like to say that he is adapting more but I’m not really sure –one thing Ive noticed –whenever I offer any advise or try to give him some words of wisdom –it usually is ignored in the long run –when a MALE colleague or whoever says the same thing to him –he listens! Grrrr! And so I plod on and try to persevere as best as I can. This forum has offered me such valuable information time and time again, and for that I am really and truly grateful to you all.

And I dont want to sound as if im one of those "oh pity me women" but I have kept all of this so deep inside for so long -cant talk to family about this naturally that finally I just had to let it out. Thank you so much for listening

[mimiiw 0]

I feel your struggle. My first marriage to a foreigner (I sponsored him to come to USA too) was a lot like what you detailed in your post below. Unfortunately, things did not work out for us and we divorced amicably (my choice). We keep in contact and just recently my ex said he realized what a jerk he was in many situations. It just took him some time living alone and doing things himself to realize that.

Your husband may not realize what you do and how much work you put to helping him. I personally feel he needs a kick up the backside for his lack of appreciation.

Can I say something? I hope not to offend, but, if your husband's family is not living in abject poverty, then the money your husband makes should go to you. His PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITY is to his wife. That should be made clear at least, even if he sends the money to family back home.

Nutty

This has been really such an excellent thread/posting –I don’t usually have much to say although I come here very often to read and learn. My husband has been here with me for 11months now from Algeria, and it has not been anywhere near bliss –many many times, the adjustment has been literally so bad –both for him and for me as many of you have posted here. If anyone would have told me that my life would become a living hell, I would have never belived it in a million years.

I love him with all my heart and soul and have invested a great number of years in proving my loyalty to him but the treatment I have received from him these past few months has devastated me again and again. I keep questioning myself as to why or how I deserve this mental and emotional abuse? I keep telling myself that he has been experiencing the culture shock and that all points mentioned here in this posting regarding him being away from his family; losing his network of support. Etc etc all applies well in our case too.

There are good days yes, but the bad days have far surpassed the good ones to say the least. I try so hard to please him; and keep viewing our relationship as me totally giving and him totally taking –there seems to be not even an effort of appreciation. I have bent over backwards as all of you have done –trying to think of ways to make him more comfortable and at ease, encouraging him to always be in touch with his family –trying to adapt and learn his cuisine as best as to my ability –the list goes on and on and on… Who else worked diligently night and day trying to find him decent employment ? Who else designed and created his resume from an almost impossible translation so that people could understand over here? Who else chased after suitable jobs, over and over?? Who else in the dead of a cold winter, every single night would go and pick him up in freezing Canadian winter weather so that he wouldn’t have to take the bus home? This is in addition to the full time plus employment that I do just to make sure I can meet financial obligations per month.

I am aware that so many of them. Psyche wise –go from being the little prince over there –or a real someone –to basically a no one, when they first come here-this is all part of the cultural and adjustment period that every immigrant goes thru, I am sure –and its part of the spouse’s adjustment period too naturally –but sometimes, it is so very very hard and hurtful –I could elaborate point by point of what he does and doesn’t do; what I do and don’t but it has all been repeated and experienced here by so many of you on the forum –so I wont.

Now 11months later –I just cant say yet if I feel it has gotten any better –REALLY GOTTEN ANY BETTER –because he still seems to go into his drastic mood swings –and here in Canada , I am legally responsible for him for the first 3 years –if he ever left me and went on welfare of social assistance of any sort, I would have to pay the government back –which would totally ruin me financially. I have invested so much in trying to help him when I could since he has been here; the financial burden of suddenly having to support another person –because as of yet, he really hasn’t contributed much to help me out –when he does have a bit of money –it is always sent home to the family to help out –they come first, and sadly not me I have learned –you can imagine how that can feel after a while –and yet, when I question myself deeply and internally I still love him so deeply –but culturally, I think I have learned that, at least in my husband’s case –he says he loves me –but its not the same kind of love that I feel for him and I have tried long and hard to really understand the dynamics involved in how he thinks but it isn’t easy to accept. I keep hoping that things will get better in the future. We seem to take those steps -1 step forward and 2 steps back more often than not –but I do have to say that every once in a while, we do have good days.

I know it has been really stressful on him and continues to be both for him and for me –its all a learning process which never ends. I would like to say that he is adapting more but I’m not really sure –one thing Ive noticed –whenever I offer any advise or try to give him some words of wisdom –it usually is ignored in the long run –when a MALE colleague or whoever says the same thing to him –he listens! Grrrr! And so I plod on and try to persevere as best as I can. This forum has offered me such valuable information time and time again, and for that I am really and truly grateful to you all.

And I dont want to sound as if im one of those "oh pity me women" but I have kept all of this so deep inside for so long -cant talk to family about this naturally that finally I just had to let it out. Thank you so much for listening

[mimiiw 0]

I dont take what you asked wrong -but yes I also agree that his first and primary responsibility should be to me, his wife and his family isnt in abject poverty no, but with his dad retired and no regular income coming in; and he being the eldest and only working son, some obligation (guilt?)does fall on him in regards to this for the moment -I have tried to understand this myself, and probably for that reason, havent pushed too hard for him to stop this YET -I know that most likely there will always be a bit of this financial support .

Plus my legal obligation to the government regarding his sponsorship to be here has affected how I have handled this for the time being -and I admit; also in trying to keep things better between us, ie not nagging at him too much about this; i havent pushed as hard as I should be regarding this. I suppose i was just hoping he would realize on his own what/how he has treated his wife; and i also admit there is always that small fear in the back of my mind -what if he were ever to leave me and try to claim assistance here -what would i do then? Ultimately i know i will have to do some real soul searching and standing up to him more than i have. Its funny when i see things written down here, it seems more logical

[mybackpages 0]

Hi Everybody,

Thanks so much for your supportive and insightful comments... i've been checking back in now and again, but just now got some time to write.

Yes, i tried to prepare myself as best as i could for his adjustment, but i guess i totally took for granted my own adjustment... we shared a space before, but it was different in Morocco, i guess because the stakes were different. i am having a lot of anxiety now i think because the thought of being financially responsible for someone else is really stressful for me. Sure, i thought i was prepared for the challenge, and i tried to organize my finances accordingly, but now that reality has set in, it feels very overwhelming...

and then of course, i hate being a person who worries about money!

On a happier note, Habibi is doing really well, despite the craziness of adjusting and the craziness of his wife . He's learning the NYC subway system, which is no small feat as Patti can probably tell you...! He's signed up for English classes next week, and he's started to take walks by himself in the neighborhood to clear his head, so i think those are all very good things, no?

Lastly, we made a no smoking in the house rule, and it seems to be holding...

Anyway, thanks so much for the ideas... i'm going back to work tomorrow, so i'll probably be posting again... this time with "separation anxiety" issues.

hz

I know I am a little late jumping in here, but we really shouldnt take the bickering too much to heart sometimes. It is not always a sign things are not going well. it could just be a sign of how you are communicating. And never underestimate how difficult the adjustment is for USC too. It really does take a great deal of patience on both sides.

[mimiiw 0]

I totally agree with this line of thinking -and i will be the first to admit that myself even, i probably have trouble at times expressing myself -in french -hence the question of language interpretation gets in the way too!

[morocco4ever 63]

I know I am a little late jumping in here, but we really shouldnt take the bickering too much to heart sometimes. It is not always a sign things are not going well. it could just be a sign of how you are communicating. And never underestimate how difficult the adjustment is for USC too. It really does take a great deal of patience on both sides.

Aint it the truth!! Somehow we spend so much time worrying about their adjustment that no one stops and thinks about our own adjustments. I can tell you that is hard work.