Just got back from the US

[Stinky Monkey 1]

Ha ha

well I am still missing him terribly but by your standards thats ok as we have not hit 18months yet ha ha

Maybe I should save myself a lot of money and heartache and not bother carrying on with the visa after reading your insight Damien lol

No dont think so .........I love him, I want to move out and be his wife but I might now concider a job that takes me away for weeks at a time

thanks for the fun comments as well, if you dont have a joke about it once in a while you would not be able to get through this

Shaz

[KimandRuss 0]

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

We've been 10 years talking every single day... lived together for over a year and a half.... and still to this day talk every day for hours. Still hard to say goodbye every single time... so don't bet on it.

[Big Papa Zone 93]

Ha ha

well I am still missing him terribly but by your standards thats ok as we have not hit 18months yet ha ha

Maybe I should save myself a lot of money and heartache and not bother carrying on with the visa after reading your insight Damien lol

No dont think so .........I love him, I want to move out and be his wife but I might now concider a job that takes me away for weeks at a time

thanks for the fun comments as well, if you dont have a joke about it once in a while you would not be able to get through this

Shaz

Don't let me put you off, Shaz; I'm sure your relationship won't become the Al & Peggy Bundy type that ours has.

I see you're a bit of a rock chick - good for you. Me and 'er indoors met through rock 'n' roll (AC/DC forum). I lived in London for 12 years, and always used to go to The Standard in Walthamstow - you been there? Fantastic place for tribute bands, but sadly, due to close sometime next year.

Why is it never the ###### chav joints like Yates Wine Bar that close, ffs!!??

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

We've been 10 years talking every single day... lived together for over a year and a half.... and still to this day talk every day for hours. Still hard to say goodbye every single time... so don't bet on it.

Just actually paid attention to your timeline, Kim - 5 years between meeting online and meeting for real!!?? Man, don't you love playing hard to get!!

[Gemmie 142]

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

Ooooh no, we've been at this for about 5 and a half years now, having the long distant communication.

The first time we met in person (nearly 3 years ago), it wasn't as upsetting as it was only for a few days and I left feeling happy. Every time we see each other though, the amount of time together gets longer and the amount of sadness gets deeper. It obviously depends on the person but for me, it doesn't get any easier. It gets harder as time goes on because the longer I spent with him in person, the more content and comfortable I feel with our life together.

Thanks for the replies though, guys and girls. Reading posts from people who feel or have felt a similar thing helps a lot, especially when I can see that they got through it and are together (or close to being together) now.

PS - KissandRuss, we're the same. We talk every single day for hours. We haven't lived together for more than six weeks though, I can see how difficult it must be for you. Congratulations on getting through this part of your journey though, it's quite an inspiration.

[Stinky Monkey 1]

Ha ha

well I am still missing him terribly but by your standards thats ok as we have not hit 18months yet ha ha

Maybe I should save myself a lot of money and heartache and not bother carrying on with the visa after reading your insight Damien lol

No dont think so .........I love him, I want to move out and be his wife but I might now concider a job that takes me away for weeks at a time

thanks for the fun comments as well, if you dont have a joke about it once in a while you would not be able to get through this

Shaz

Don't let me put you off, Shaz; I'm sure your relationship won't become the Al & Peggy Bundy type that ours has.

I see you're a bit of a rock chick - good for you. Me and 'er indoors met through rock 'n' roll (AC/DC forum). I lived in London for 12 years, and always used to go to The Standard in Walthamstow - you been there? Fantastic place for tribute bands, but sadly, due to close sometime next year.

Why is it never the ###### chav joints like Yates Wine Bar that close, ffs!!??

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

We've been 10 years talking every single day... lived together for over a year and a half.... and still to this day talk every day for hours. Still hard to say goodbye every single time... so don't bet on it.

Just actually paid attention to your timeline, Kim - 5 years between meeting online and meeting for real!!?? Man, don't you love playing hard to get!!

Hi Damien

Dont sweat it you could never put me off, we are already at the Ozzie and Sharon stage lol

yes I am a rocker I promote rock bands just came off tour with Ministry which was amazing

I met my boy on myspace was sending a message to one of my bands Prong, and saw his picture on a comment he left and the rest is history, it is so great the wedding is all sorted we are getting married at the Ministry compound in El Paso Al Jougensen is gonna get ordained to perform the ceremony, Chuck Billy is gonna give me away and Tommy Victor from Prong/Ministry will be best man as it is all down to him that we met, and lots of other band people I know will fly in for it

Of course I have been to the Standard it is about 10-15 mins in the car from my house,

Small world eh

The best bar in London to go to is the Crobar ever been there............

Its great to have some other rockers on board

My friend Emma is going through the Visa process as well she is getting married to Tom from SOiL

Hope you stay in touch I will send ya a friend request, so we dont bore other people with our rocky stuff on the forum

Shaz

[Big Papa Zone 93]

Ha ha

well I am still missing him terribly but by your standards thats ok as we have not hit 18months yet ha ha

Maybe I should save myself a lot of money and heartache and not bother carrying on with the visa after reading your insight Damien lol

No dont think so .........I love him, I want to move out and be his wife but I might now concider a job that takes me away for weeks at a time

thanks for the fun comments as well, if you dont have a joke about it once in a while you would not be able to get through this

Shaz

Don't let me put you off, Shaz; I'm sure your relationship won't become the Al & Peggy Bundy type that ours has.

I see you're a bit of a rock chick - good for you. Me and 'er indoors met through rock 'n' roll (AC/DC forum). I lived in London for 12 years, and always used to go to The Standard in Walthamstow - you been there? Fantastic place for tribute bands, but sadly, due to close sometime next year.

Why is it never the ###### chav joints like Yates Wine Bar that close, ffs!!??

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

We've been 10 years talking every single day... lived together for over a year and a half.... and still to this day talk every day for hours. Still hard to say goodbye every single time... so don't bet on it.

Just actually paid attention to your timeline, Kim - 5 years between meeting online and meeting for real!!?? Man, don't you love playing hard to get!!

Hi Damien

Dont sweat it you could never put me off, we are already at the Ozzie and Sharon stage lol

yes I am a rocker I promote rock bands just came off tour with Ministry which was amazing

I met my boy on myspace was sending a message to one of my bands Prong, and saw his picture on a comment he left and the rest is history, it is so great the wedding is all sorted we are getting married at the Ministry compound in El Paso Al Jougensen is gonna get ordained to perform the ceremony, Chuck Billy is gonna give me away and Tommy Victor from Prong/Ministry will be best man as it is all down to him that we met, and lots of other band people I know will fly in for it

Of course I have been to the Standard it is about 10-15 mins in the car from my house,

Small world eh

The best bar in London to go to is the Crobar ever been there............

Its great to have some other rockers on board

My friend Emma is going through the Visa process as well she is getting married to Tom from SOiL

Hope you stay in touch I will send ya a friend request, so we dont bore other people with our rocky stuff on the forum

Shaz

WOW!!! How cool are you!!!!!!!! Judging by those names, you're into the heavier stuff, right? Well, I'm going to see Slayer at the NEC in Birmingham - that's quite cool, right!!?

I'd heard Chuck Billy wasn't looking too clever healthwise recently - he better now? Anyway, you're right - we shouldn't hijack this thread with our music rants. Sorry folks!

[KimandRuss 0]

Just actually paid attention to your timeline, Kim - 5 years between meeting online and meeting for real!!?? Man, don't you love playing hard to get!!

I was happily married at the time and Russell and I were just great friends. He was friendly with my ex too. Still so tragic having him leave the US back then too though. He'll tell you he waited 10 years for me... knew we should be together. Guess I shoulda listened. Took me several years to get my divorce even though i'm still friendly with my ex. That's why we've sorta been in limbo. I feel blessed we actually got to live together and that I was able to have my kids live abroad for a while but it's been SO expensive for us and this past year has been tragic being apart. That which does not kill us.....

I'm very much into music as well. I sing and my ex plays several instruments and has been in a band as long as i've known him (20+ years) ... as does my son and my 16 y/o daughter travels New England to see her favorite bands. I'm into mostly hard rock but I can appreciate all kinds of music (ok, cept Country and that gangsta rap ####### ) This is my cousin... Mistress Carrie from WAAF in Boston. Perhaps it's genetic?

[IAMX 3,055]

If you two are in it for the long run the wait is certainly a test and worth it.

Things were a bit (only a bit) strenuous for Betty and I when she visited in April, when she left. I hated seeing her leave me in the San Francisco Airport. We missed each other really bad and it took nearly 2 months just to calm down from it, We do everything we can for each other, calling, talking online (I have the benefit of talking to her every couple hours on the phone and hours online every day even while from work), and keep our positive outlook that we'll be (and we certainly will be) together again very soon.

If there's one thing to be sure of, it gives you a lot of hope watching your number fall from Igors, knowing you're up soon.

Edited July 23, 2008 by SRVT

[Possum 0]

it is a difficult process, at best. excruciating at its worst. when my honey and i first filed our paperwork, it seemed like the longest process in the world and it was so discouraging to look at the road ahead and think of all the time we would lose, being apart. but now that we're a good ways through it, it seems to have gone fairly fast, and i know it won't be long before we're together again.

as for getting through the tough spots, different things work for different people, but i'll share what has helped me and my fiance get through this:

1. first of all, don't let anyone give you that ####### about being "strong" and not being sad, this is my number 1 pet peeve. sure, you have to live your life, but being "strong" doesn't mean you don't feel sadness and heartbreak. let yourself feel those things, don't be hard on yourself for them, know that it does get better in time. the first few days after the separation are like walking through a sick, dark fog. but it eases. "positive thinking" is a process, it doesn't just instantaneously happen, and it certainly doesn't happen by avoiding feelings of pain and pushing them aside without acknowledging them. that's just denial. and as for this ####### about "getting used to it"....i've found that the separations themselves don't usually get easier, because the more time you spend together the closer you get, so the harder it is to be apart. people who haven't been through this have no idea what it's like, so try to take their misguided (even if well-intentioned) words of advice with a grain of salt.

2. on that note, find people who DO understand, talk about it and get support. which you have done by posting here.

3. as others have said, find ways to keep busy. remind yourself what used to make you happy or keep you busy before, and do those things again. it helped me to play music at home (preferably something upbeat! lol), so it's not so quiet. and sometimes you have to force yourself to see friends/family and go out socializing, but i've often found i felt better when i did, even though i didn't want to. for the first few days after we're separated, i usually don't want to do anything or see anyone except him. but it does help to get back out into the world.

4. this is a sticky one and i mention it tentatively, but it helped me to remind myself how much worse it could be. he could be going off to iraq and living in a war-zone where he has no access to phones and i wouldn't know if he was alive or dead every day...expecting him to be gone for a year or more, and then possibly having to leave again...that's a torture i don't think i could bear. like another poster, it helped us to think of it as him going overseas to work and coming "home" soon. using that language somehow that makes it feel less dramatic. lots of people have to go away on temporary work assignments, and they come home at the end of it, and life continues. sometimes i would envision him going off to war and imagine the heartache and internal hysteria that would accompany that, and let myself feel the agony of that scenario (one that IS real for so many people), then when i came back to reality and saw our situation, i actually felt really fortunate. i say it's "sticky" to do this because saying to someone "you should be happy, it could be worse!" is really dismissive of their feelings and is not generally really helpful, but if you can do this mental process for yourself without belittling yourself for still being sad, it can be a useful tool. does that make sense?

5. think of the process in small, manageable chunks instead of trying to take in the whole road ahead all at once, which can be overwhelming. i tell this to my cancer patients...break the process into chunks and deal with them one at a time, and celebrate when each goal is met. getting to your filing date is one milestone you can get to, and pass. then getting the NOA2. then getting packet 3, etc. baby steps and before you know it you'll be almost there.

6. talk to your lovey as much as you can...plan for the future, talk about the happy times that are ahead. helping yourself to focus on how amazing and wonderful your life together will be when this is all over will remind you that every bit of heartache you go through will be SO worth it in the end.

7. it helps me to have lots of his things around. instead of being a painful reminder (although it does hurt to see them, at times), it helps me to think of him as being temporarily gone, soon to return. his shoes by the front door. his pajamas by the bed. some of his cologne in the bathroom. if he hasn't lived with you (i forget what your original post said) this might not be as effective but find ways to make him a tangible presence in your daily life.

8. recognize that some moments, or some days, nothing will help you to feel better. this comes with the territory, and it doesn't represent failure. it's just part of the process. let yourself feel miserable, remind yourself it won't last, and do what you can to get through it.

well, that's all the wisdom i have to share at the moment. besides, it's almost time for my daily meltdown about how much i miss my boy. LOL just kidding! sort of.

hang in there, it gets better!!!

hugs, susie

[Gemmie 142]

Thank you so much.

I agree that my number one peeve is when people offer "helpful" advice about how I should be used to it by now or that I need to let it go. I do understand their meaning and intention but it doesn't always work out that way, you know? If it did, no one in the world would get depression or any negative emotion! You just have to accept that they're there, process them and try to move through it.

I'm going to try the appreciation route you just pointed out. I'm lucky enough to talk to my fiancee everyday on the phone and online, and I'm also lucky enough to be granted with a lot of free time as I'm in school. That gives me weeks/months of vacation time that I wouldn't get if I worked full-time so that I can go over and visit, financial consequences aside. And of course I'm lucky that I have someone who has believed in our future SO much from the moment he said he loved me all those years ago. That has never changed, despite everything.

I'm also trying the "chunk" idea... hopefully the money will be available by the end of the month to send the packet off. Then it's being processed and we can concentrate on how time will pass quickly before the NOA2 date.

He's also reminded me that as much as this hurts, the leaving him... only 2 or 3 more times and then he'll be right by my side on the flight afterwards when he comes to get me. That is the most comforting thought. He asks if I can be strong and hold on for that little bit longer while we get paperwork processed and I finish education. And I think we all deserve a medal for that strength and patience.

Edited July 24, 2008 by Gemmie

[wifetobe 2]

Feel free to move this if it's in the wrong place.

I just got back from MA where I spent a wonderful 6 weeks with my fiancee and now that I'm back in the UK, I feel so empty. We've assembled the I-129 package and it's ready to go as soon as we have the money in the bank. He hasn't been paid for a while as his boss has been having issues with finances and it feels so frustrating having the package sit on the desk for over a month.

Problem is, I just feel so alone and empty now... everything I look at is making me upset. His clothes for obvious reasons, the clothes I wore while I was over there, thinking of how this time yesterday I was with him... even an old coffee cup that I left on the table just before I left to go visit him. Hearing his voice is making me just want to cuddle into him and cry.

I do try and talk to people about it but they seem to think that I should be used to this by now because I've had to leave him so many times (this is the 9th time we've seen each other over the past few years) but it actually feels the opposite, like the more times I have to do it, the harder it gets. That, or they tell me that I should focus on the happy memories we had rather than just feel sad that I'm no longer with him. But that's rational and love is not. Life felt so content waking up with him and finally getting time together after waiting, like we really deserved it... and having it taken away all over again makes me feel depressed. I don't feel like taking care of myself physically and can't even face unpacking right now. I was told lately that I need to toughen up a bit and this made me feel worse because I feel that I've tried to be strong about it for so long, and it takes so much power to walk away.

I was wondering if anyone has suggestions; what do people do when they feel this way?

I know it's best to keep busy and I start a new job this week (which is why I came back, to get some money) but that seems like such a huge hurdle because it's a physically tiring job and I feel so down. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to the US in 5-7 weeks but then the cycle starts again.

I feel your pain, your emptiness and your lonliness when you have to depart and believe you me I understand that it gets much much WORSE everytime you have to leave him. You'll have to look after yourself physically and mentally as this process isn't designed for the faint hearted I'll tell you that now... If you guys haven't sent off the petition yet because of finances, instead of making yourself feel worse by going again in 5-7 weeks and facing the fact you'll have to depart again, spend the flight money on the K1 fee, that should be a start to your future.

[wifetobe 2]

It's hard, we all know that - but you have to try and look at the big picture. All the other times you have had to come home, you haven't had the security of the knowledge that this time next year you'll be married and together forever.

I last saw my fiance in March (I left the US on March 10th) and despite the fact that I cried, I knew that the next time I saw him, it would be for the permanent move. So we have spoken on the phone every day and now i'm just 6 days away from being with him.

Your time will come, faster than you would think.........in the meantime, talk often, BUT enjoy the time you have left here with your family and friends, because once you leave, they'll be the ones you miss....

SO SPOT ON. That was a fantastic post Saff

Ha ha

well I am still missing him terribly but by your standards thats ok as we have not hit 18months yet ha ha

Maybe I should save myself a lot of money and heartache and not bother carrying on with the visa after reading your insight Damien lol

No dont think so .........I love him, I want to move out and be his wife but I might now concider a job that takes me away for weeks at a time

thanks for the fun comments as well, if you dont have a joke about it once in a while you would not be able to get through this

Shaz

Don't let me put you off, Shaz; I'm sure your relationship won't become the Al & Peggy Bundy type that ours has.

I see you're a bit of a rock chick - good for you. Me and 'er indoors met through rock 'n' roll (AC/DC forum). I lived in London for 12 years, and always used to go to The Standard in Walthamstow - you been there? Fantastic place for tribute bands, but sadly, due to close sometime next year.

Why is it never the ###### chav joints like Yates Wine Bar that close, ffs!!??

:lol :lol lol: excellent

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

We've been 10 years talking every single day... lived together for over a year and a half.... and still to this day talk every day for hours. Still hard to say goodbye every single time... so don't bet on it.

Just actually paid attention to your timeline, Kim - 5 years between meeting online and meeting for real!!?? Man, don't you love playing hard to get!!

[Gemmie 142]

Feel free to move this if it's in the wrong place.

I just got back from MA where I spent a wonderful 6 weeks with my fiancee and now that I'm back in the UK, I feel so empty. We've assembled the I-129 package and it's ready to go as soon as we have the money in the bank. He hasn't been paid for a while as his boss has been having issues with finances and it feels so frustrating having the package sit on the desk for over a month.

Problem is, I just feel so alone and empty now... everything I look at is making me upset. His clothes for obvious reasons, the clothes I wore while I was over there, thinking of how this time yesterday I was with him... even an old coffee cup that I left on the table just before I left to go visit him. Hearing his voice is making me just want to cuddle into him and cry.

I do try and talk to people about it but they seem to think that I should be used to this by now because I've had to leave him so many times (this is the 9th time we've seen each other over the past few years) but it actually feels the opposite, like the more times I have to do it, the harder it gets. That, or they tell me that I should focus on the happy memories we had rather than just feel sad that I'm no longer with him. But that's rational and love is not. Life felt so content waking up with him and finally getting time together after waiting, like we really deserved it... and having it taken away all over again makes me feel depressed. I don't feel like taking care of myself physically and can't even face unpacking right now. I was told lately that I need to toughen up a bit and this made me feel worse because I feel that I've tried to be strong about it for so long, and it takes so much power to walk away.

I was wondering if anyone has suggestions; what do people do when they feel this way?

I know it's best to keep busy and I start a new job this week (which is why I came back, to get some money) but that seems like such a huge hurdle because it's a physically tiring job and I feel so down. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to the US in 5-7 weeks but then the cycle starts again.

I feel your pain, your emptiness and your lonliness when you have to depart and believe you me I understand that it gets much much WORSE everytime you have to leave him. You'll have to look after yourself physically and mentally as this process isn't designed for the faint hearted I'll tell you that now... If you guys haven't sent off the petition yet because of finances, instead of making yourself feel worse by going again in 5-7 weeks and facing the fact you'll have to depart again, spend the flight money on the K1 fee, that should be a start to your future.

Oh the fees come first, no doubt.

I'll have the money in 2 weeks so if he doesn't, I'll gladly send the money over.

I might still be able to go and visit as Virgin Atlantic granted me with a free round-trip with an 18 month expiry date (thank God for the overbooked flight!)

[Stinky Monkey 1]

Just actually paid attention to your timeline, Kim - 5 years between meeting online and meeting for real!!?? Man, don't you love playing hard to get!!

I was happily married at the time and Russell and I were just great friends. He was friendly with my ex too. Still so tragic having him leave the US back then too though. He'll tell you he waited 10 years for me... knew we should be together. Guess I shoulda listened. Took me several years to get my divorce even though i'm still friendly with my ex. That's why we've sorta been in limbo. I feel blessed we actually got to live together and that I was able to have my kids live abroad for a while but it's been SO expensive for us and this past year has been tragic being apart. That which does not kill us.....

I'm very much into music as well. I sing and my ex plays several instruments and has been in a band as long as i've known him (20+ years) ... as does my son and my 16 y/o daughter travels New England to see her favorite bands. I'm into mostly hard rock but I can appreciate all kinds of music (ok, cept Country and that gangsta rap ####### ) This is my cousin... Mistress Carrie from WAAF in Boston. Perhaps it's genetic?

Great another rocker sorry no head banging icons ha ha