Just got back from the US

[Gemmie 142]

Feel free to move this if it's in the wrong place.

I just got back from MA where I spent a wonderful 6 weeks with my fiancee and now that I'm back in the UK, I feel so empty. We've assembled the I-129 package and it's ready to go as soon as we have the money in the bank. He hasn't been paid for a while as his boss has been having issues with finances and it feels so frustrating having the package sit on the desk for over a month.

Problem is, I just feel so alone and empty now... everything I look at is making me upset. His clothes for obvious reasons, the clothes I wore while I was over there, thinking of how this time yesterday I was with him... even an old coffee cup that I left on the table just before I left to go visit him. Hearing his voice is making me just want to cuddle into him and cry.

I do try and talk to people about it but they seem to think that I should be used to this by now because I've had to leave him so many times (this is the 9th time we've seen each other over the past few years) but it actually feels the opposite, like the more times I have to do it, the harder it gets. That, or they tell me that I should focus on the happy memories we had rather than just feel sad that I'm no longer with him. But that's rational and love is not. Life felt so content waking up with him and finally getting time together after waiting, like we really deserved it... and having it taken away all over again makes me feel depressed. I don't feel like taking care of myself physically and can't even face unpacking right now. I was told lately that I need to toughen up a bit and this made me feel worse because I feel that I've tried to be strong about it for so long, and it takes so much power to walk away.

I was wondering if anyone has suggestions; what do people do when they feel this way?

I know it's best to keep busy and I start a new job this week (which is why I came back, to get some money) but that seems like such a huge hurdle because it's a physically tiring job and I feel so down. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to the US in 5-7 weeks but then the cycle starts again.

[Tammy&Joe 0]

I know you feel empty and alone , we ALL feel that here !! And you need to concentrate on your new job , and the future you have ahead with him ,instead of focusing on the here , you must focus on the future , I havent seen my finacee since January and God gives me the strength to pull through it all . You have a LONG LONG wait ahead of you , this process takes over or round 250 days so you need to take care of yourself and realize your not the only one ... we ALL go thru this , each and every one of us VJ'ers.. GodBless and Take care of yourself

[vegaslizard 0]

Awww I know how you feel. Had to do the same thing while waiting for my K-1 last year. I got through it by talking to him on Skype so I could see him everyday, and we would email and phone (A LOT) as well so there would be something to look forward to when we woke up. I talked to him him so often through the computer and on the phone that it didnt seem like he was really that far away. Once in awhile we would send an unexpected card or package, and he would have flowers sent to me too. Planning and counting down days for the next trip would make it easier, and then there is always the VJ forums!

I know it seems like forever, but it will pass. Ryan and I talk about how we cant believe all that we went through last year - and now we are married! Its still not all perfect as he misses his family in the UK and is stuck for awhile, but now at least we have each other. Find comfort in knowing that no matter how hard it is, you know that you have someone in your life that will go the distance for you. If you can get through this you can get through anything. My husband and I tell each other that all the time.

In the meanwhile maybe you could help him with the K-1 application fees? Sitting on his desk doesnt get it processes any faster! At least with yours USCIS should be processing alot faster then when I put mine through

It will get better, I promise! x

[Gemmie 142]

Thanks for the replies.

I fully accept that I'm not the only one, that's why I come to VJ forums because people here share the experience. We're already both prepared for the long wait too as we've known about the details of the process for a while and I also have another year at university. I've given myself a year to get my visa in hand, assuming there are no huge problems. I don't have a huge issue with that part as it's the final stretch before I won't have to leave again. It's pretty much the immediate feelings that I deal with when I just get back from a visit.

The reason I needed to come back and work is because I'm stuck for cash myself right now. (Paying for my visit plus my place back in the UK while I'm away on student loans) Otherwise I would gladly pay for the fees. He has a shot at getting paid fairly quickly though and also is waiting on a new job that pays a lot more.

Thanks for the promising words though, I'm sure we will look back in a year and know that it was all worth it. I've heard that the wait doesn't even seem that bad in hindsight, when you're out of the situation.

[ChazAZ 0]

Hello,

I fully understand what you mean. I have been traveling to Mexico every other weekend to see my fiancee. Even though I see her quite frequently in comparison to other VJ'ers I am still frustrated, sad and all the other emotions you aforementioned each time I leave. One thing I have gleaned from reading numerous books on long distance relationships is that knowing there is an end to the process can be a comfort. Also realize you had a life before your significant other entered it and it is still there, try not to loose your individuality in the process. It seems to me that since you are waiting for $ and the packet is sitting and the process not progressing you my be feeling somewhat hopeless or lost. Remember that your thoughts will dictate your feelings so if you are focusing on being separated and how much that hurts then you will feel the hurt. If you think about how happy you are in your relationship and God has brought you to the one you love you may find yourself feeling more happy and positive. All in all you will have your ups and downs just like when you will be together. Think happy and be happy...

Good luck and remember good things about your S/O and turn your sadness to gladness

Charles

[JaHoney 3]

Hon, it's gonna be alright. I dont think this process will get any easier until it is done with altogether. Just last week i was feeling the same way, as i had just returned from JA from seeing my SO, and i didnt even want to get out of bed i was so sad. One thing i have to tell myself is, i had a life before my SO, and to not allow myself to be all consumed with missing him, it only serves to make me miserable and him as well when we talk. I have been told by others to find hobbies, or do things with friends to take my mind off of how i am feeling at times. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt, but no matter what it will be okay. Just know that your not alone in how your feeling and that there will be good days and bad days.

[*JG* 2]

Hang tough guys. We've all been there at one time or another. And, we've all figured out a way to live through it.

Occupy your time. You were able to go through life before you met your SO. It's not good to be so all consumed with them now. Life is still going on around you. Join in and occupy that time.

It will soon be all over and you can move on in that new chapter of your life.

[KimandRuss 0]

Oh the leaving is just tragic! (although, I think getting booted may have been worse! )

We've seen each other for three weeks out of the last 10 months ...after being together for years and living together for a year and a half. New Zealand is literally the other side of the world. $2,000+ r/t ticket - 20+ hours of flight time. It's not some place you can pop over for the weekend. The last time we saw each other was early February and it will likely be September before we are together for good. It took some time to get over that 'goodbye'. *sigh* I don't know how to help you get through it besides what you already know, but I can tell you that we know how it feels. Spend as much time as you can with each other. I hope that and time can help ease that emptiness a bit for you.

[jundp 191]

Gemmie,

I agree with Jomo's girl. Hang in there. It is hard, very hard for sure. But think of the things you did and enjoyed before you were separated from your SO and try to do them. Get out with your friends, engage in a hobby or focus on work/school/etc.

One way to make the time go by is to plan "dates" with your fiance. Maybe there's a specific time every day you can talk on the phone or you can get on IM/webcam? If you have a specific time to look forward to that can make things better rather than just waiting around not ever knowing. My fiance and I knew that every day no matter what we would talk on the phone around 10 pm my time (so I could wake him for school/work) and usualy around 2:30 or 3 my time to say goodnight to him (depending on my work commitments). This really helped because I always knew when we would talk. Of course sometimes that wasn't possible because of our schedules but as a general rule this is what we did.

We also did things like read the same books (we only did this a couple of times because of our other commitments) and discussed them. Or we'd watch the same movies. I tried to send him a card or letter every other week and we made always made sure the other person had an email in their inbox by the time they woke up.

Some of these things seem silly and there are times when no matter what you do you are going to feel empty and sad. Nothing can change that except time. But it will get better and eventually you will be together. Two years ago I thought I would never be able to handle a long distance relationship, yet we're getting married next Friday...

Hang in there, hon. Just remember that it's all worth it in the end. Hang with your friends, get busy and do NOT sit around and be sad and put your life on hold until you can be with him again. Indulge for a day or two and then make a promise to yourself to be happy.

[Saffyre 0]

It's hard, we all know that - but you have to try and look at the big picture. All the other times you have had to come home, you haven't had the security of the knowledge that this time next year you'll be married and together forever.

I last saw my fiance in March (I left the US on March 10th) and despite the fact that I cried, I knew that the next time I saw him, it would be for the permanent move. So we have spoken on the phone every day and now i'm just 6 days away from being with him.

Your time will come, faster than you would think.........in the meantime, talk often, BUT enjoy the time you have left here with your family and friends, because once you leave, they'll be the ones you miss....

[Laura+Tom 2]

It's always hard, after being with my OH for eigth months straight in the UK I cried for days when he left for Bahrain. It was worse because we both knew he wouldn't be returning to the UK after his tour. But I've learnt to deal with in whatever way I can. We try and communicate every single day whether it be my email or IM. We also talk alot about what our house will be like and how he's going to teach me how to work on cars! Luckily I managed to go and see him in April for three weeks and I'll be seeing him again next week when we both visit the States. Unfortunately due to work commitments his end I probably won't see him for six months after I come back from the States. He's going to try and stay in the UK for a week whilst on transit between Bahrain and the US. Hopefully by then I'll be close to getting my visa.

[Sherri and Matt 1]

I miss him every minute, of every day. I always have an extra day off work after he leaves, because I come home from the airport, go straight to bed and do not get up except to talk to him when he gets there. The crying usually starts the day before he leaves, and it is not unusual for me to get physically sick. There is always a moment of panic at the airport as he walks away to get on that plane, and I feel like I can't really breathe until I see him get off that plane months later.

We all do this because of how we feel when we are together. I tell myself it is just time, and it will pass. I actually find a lot of comfort in the clothes he leaves behind, it is very tangible evidence of his presence when he is so far away. For a few days, I can still smell him, and that is hard. Or I walk into a room and a memory will hit me and next thing I know I am crying. Again. We are a big big part of each others daily lives, we talk in the morning before work, and spend hours every night online together. It helps that we game together, that's hours of us doing things together. This is home, and he just has to go away to the UK to work for a little while longer. It seems like a little thing, but him saying "I'm just going to work" sounds better than "going home" and all the little things add up.

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal". After a visit, there is always a few days of misery, then we get back to normal. I think probably every couple here has that normal routine, and we all have little things that mean something special. Those are the things that will get you through this.

Edited July 23, 2008 by Sherri and Matt

[Big Papa Zone 93]

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

[Sherri and Matt 1]

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

I thought I wouldn't get sick of him until he is actually living here...this does not bode well...

You made me laugh.

[Tammy&Joe 0]

Our routine gets us through. Our long distance daily routine is actually the one we call "normal"...........

Nail on head. Me and 'er indoors have been long-distance for 7 years now; it's all we really know. I'm guessing you and your bloke are quite new as a couple? All that weeping and wailing ####### stops after about 18 months, and by 3 years you'll only be talking at the weekends!

Damain , That is really funny stuff !! LOL .... what a funny but probably oh so true response