Struggling with a sense of identity.

[bradcanuck 1]

I've lived in the US for over 4 years now. Around 3 years ago I left, moved to Canada and attended University for a semester because I missed home so much I couldn't be away any longer.

After going home I realized I didn't like the weather or the slow pace of Vancouver Island. After being in California so long I had adjusted to the way everyone here is in a mad dash constantly and drive like lunatics. I grew very bored quickly of the bad weather and the slow people and decided to move back.

California isn't my "home" and I don't think ever will be. I am never really perfectly comfortable. I think about going home on a very regular basis, but struggle with that because I know what happened last time I went home. It sort of spoils everything thinking about how I couldn't re-adjust to where I grew up.

So herein lay my dilemma. I love the US, but I also love Canada. But it's not just me anymore, I have a wife to consider. I know she couldn't handle the rainy climate of Seattle for example which I think would be the perfect midpoint for me. I could go home all of the time and still be in the US. But that just wouldn't work. Sara would get so sick of the bad weather we would MAYBE last 6-12 months at best.

We could never move back to my home.

So now I am lost. I am unhappy where I am but I know anywhere else we go there is a risk one of us or both of us won't like it.

I made a plus minus list on a sheet of paper to see if we should move or stay, and it was basically a break even tie of positives and negatives on moving and staying.

Anyone been through this?

[trailmix 77]

Hi Brad,

I read your posting and have been thinking about this.

How do you make that decision to move? It's hard. As you say you anywhere you go there is a risk that one or both of you won't like it.

Well - that's true and also there is nothing you can do about it - there is no way you will know if you like some place until you are actually living there.

That said maybe as well as your positives/negatives list of staying or moving you could make up a list of criteria. You mention your wife dislikes rainy type weather, the fact that the laid back style of Vancouver Island irritates you now - so that is somewhere to start I guess.

At least you know that the new place should have a moderate climate and that a small town isn't for you. I would suggest that the best you can do is write up a list of say your top five criteria and then start looking for a place that may suit you both.

I wish you luck

[Texanadian 10]

I hear ya. I'm from Vancouver Island as well.

I miss the weather. I miss the clean air. The refreshing feeling you got from going for a walk somewhere. I miss the silent and smooth blacktop highway as well as the smooth city roads. (Houston has pot holes galore and concrete highways). I miss being able to drive with the windows down and be comfortable. Summertime is about the same in either place. But you do more outdoor activities up north than you do here in the summer (oppressive humidity in Houston, highest in the country)

On the other hand, the dull days of winter don't exist in Houston. You don't have "summer cars" and "winter cars" in Houston. I get fed up with the long humid winters on Vancouver Island. I get fed up with the long humid summers in Houston.

Having said all that, I still think V.I. is the nicest place to live in Canada. Of the top 10 best cities in Canada, 7 are in BC and 4 are on the island. The water is always close by. No hurricanes. Crime is minuscule. You don't watch your blood pressure rise as you drive Nascar style on the highways. The tap water is clean and the health/car insurance is cheap (and actually covers you for stuff)

I don't know which is the better place. My wife hates the heat. But she has family, job, and her son all living here. It was much easier for me to hop the border and make a new start. Real estate is definitely cheaper down south. Crazy cheap. $300,000 in Houston buys you a 4200 sq ft house with vaulted ceilings, spiral staircases, a pool, and a large yard. Average house prices are around $140,000.

I must say I quite like being able to go see concerts and comedians and it's a 15 minute drive to the venue, rather than a ferry boat ride and an overnight stay at rush hour in Vancouver. I also like not having to wait for the heat/defrost in the car. Not having to shovel the driveway or scrape my windows. Although I will say that once the heater warmed up, it was always hot inside the vehicle. Once the temps hit 95° with 65% humidity here (May-Sept), the vehicle A/C is alright, but not what I would call comfortable.

You mention that California has a fast pace of life. Quite possible, I don't know. Texas has a slow pace of life. People talk slower on the phones, they waddle across cross walks in malls, nobody runs from one stop light intersection to another. V.I. definitely is more bicycle and walking friendly compared to TX.

I suppose it's the extremes of Houston that I like so much. It's not just warm. It's hot. It's not muggy. It's tropical rainforest swampy. The city is the largest city in the south. It's a big money town. You see Lamborghinis as often here as I saw Corvettes in Vancouver. Every concert comes here. 2nd biggest theatre district after Broadway. Lots of sports. And much like BC, the place has a huge feel to it. I feel more Texan than I do American. Just as I felt more British Columbian than I did Canadian. (The Sask prairies, Ont & Que, maritimes, they were all a lifetime away for me)

Ultimately I don't really know what advice to give you. While many Americans say that Seattle and the Pacific Northwest would be a pretty place to live, I've always thought I'd never like it there. Some sort of depression that covers the area. The place always seemed lifeless to me. I'd notice it every time I would cross the border either way. There was just a different feeling immediately. Maybe it's just me.

I like the no state income tax and no GST aspect of living down here. A lot cheaper shipping/courier rates (that used to bug me to no end in Canada). Same with paying US prices for books & magazines.

Don't rush your decision. Think it through wisely. It may be one of those the grass is always greener things.

[Flames9_RN 358]

I spent nearly 10 years in Victoria, great city! And a lot slower paced lifestyle than here in DC!! Wehn I go back to Saskatoon, the slow paced drivers kill me,lol

[rae_and_scott 1]

Maybe the two of you need to find a new city for the both of you to call a new home. I lived in Toronto a few years ago. I really didn't like it. I moved back to NYC, but then my SO and I were apart as I waited for him to move down. And waited and waited... b/c he hates NYC. He's finally here, but our plan is to both move to BC next year, a new place for us both. Perhaps rather than weighing where you're from with where you are, you could both talk about the kinds of things you want to have where you live, and then do some research on what cities offer the kind of lifestyle you want.

[Moos 0]

I've lived in the US for over 4 years now. Around 3 years ago I left, moved to Canada and attended University for a semester because I missed home so much I couldn't be away any longer.

After going home I realized I didn't like the weather or the slow pace of Vancouver Island. After being in California so long I had adjusted to the way everyone here is in a mad dash constantly and drive like lunatics. I grew very bored quickly of the bad weather and the slow people and decided to move back.

California isn't my "home" and I don't think ever will be. I am never really perfectly comfortable. I think about going home on a very regular basis, but struggle with that because I know what happened last time I went home. It sort of spoils everything thinking about how I couldn't re-adjust to where I grew up.

So herein lay my dilemma. I love the US, but I also love Canada. But it's not just me anymore, I have a wife to consider. I know she couldn't handle the rainy climate of Seattle for example which I think would be the perfect midpoint for me. I could go home all of the time and still be in the US. But that just wouldn't work. Sara would get so sick of the bad weather we would MAYBE last 6-12 months at best.

We could never move back to my home.

So now I am lost. I am unhappy where I am but I know anywhere else we go there is a risk one of us or both of us won't like it.

I made a plus minus list on a sheet of paper to see if we should move or stay, and it was basically a break even tie of positives and negatives on moving and staying.

Anyone been through this?

Brad:

I just thought I would write you - for my husband and I have lived in many different countries and many different states in the US and know the feelings you seem to be expressing. My husband used to live in Vancouver and just couldn't take the weather. He moved to Reno and loved it there. He is orginally from South Africa so he struggles with winters and rainy weather. When we decided to get married, we both had job offers in other cities and just couldn't decide where we wanted to be. So we put together a time frame. We gave ourselves 2 years to search the US and we made it a positive "hunting for our home" kind of experience.

We ended up moving to Austin TX for a year and a half for my work and I have to tell you of all the places I have lived in the world, that is one of my most favorite places. Anyway, while we lived in TX we started our 2 year hunt. We made a giant spreadsheet and listed our important criteria. Weather was at the top. Housing and quality of living was important too. You get the idea. Next, we researched what places might match and then planned trips there. We took day trips, weekend trips, and week-long trips. During which, we also visited friends and family in different parts of the country and all the while checked out these areas as possible places to grow roots. While there, we attended open houses, played at the local golf courses (also an important facotr ;-)) and literally pretended we were moving there. To help better understand our local communities, we drove to towns and cities near us and did the same investigation. We had tons of fun and many great experiences (and pictures). Our friends loved the visits and sooner than we planned, we found our community and was moved in to our new home in just 1 year and 6 months later.

Just some thoughts. I hope you figure it out and find your happy home.

Moos

[bradcanuck 1]

Tex: I wanted to reply to you real quick and then catch up with the rest of the thread.

We have been evaluating Arlington. You are 100% bang on with the home value. One of my coworkers is from Dallas and said it was just amazing. We plan on visiting before deciding what we want to do.

Again with VI you are bang on, you addressed all of the things I agree with. My dad and I were talking about what you can do in the summer VS even California, and VI has everywhere beat down. I miss the amazing summers of home.

Sigh. This is going to be a real journey.

[lincoln81 0]

Brad,

I can totally identify with you. I left Canada (ontario) when I was 19 and moved to the US to go to school. At first I was so homesick and couldn't wait to go back, but slowly I adjusted to my life and ended up loving it there. That's where I met Zach and things were great. Eventually my student Visa ran out and I had to move back to Canada. (Zach wanted me to stay then but I thought we were too young to get married). I ended up moving to Vancouver for work and the first year I lived here I was miserable!! I wanted to be back in the US so bad and missed my old lifestyle and Zach so much that I wasn't even myself for a long time. Well we obviously got married and started this visa process a year ago. I couldn't wait to move back and be with him. Now though, a year later, I've grown back accustomed to Canadian ways and I love Vancouver. After I get my Visa I was planning on moving in September and though I used to pray for that day to come, I'm more reluctant to leave Canada now. I've even asked Zach about thinking about living here for a while. It's hard because there are pros and cons about both places.

The one thing we should tell ourselves is....isn't it great that we have the choice? Our spouses and us have the luxury of being able to live in one of two great countries which isn't the case for most people.

You will find what's right for you and your family, good luck:)

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Maybe the two of you need to find a new city for the both of you to call a new home. I lived in Toronto a few years ago. I really didn't like it. I moved back to NYC, but then my SO and I were apart as I waited for him to move down. And waited and waited... b/c he hates NYC. He's finally here, but our plan is to both move to BC next year, a new place for us both. Perhaps rather than weighing where you're from with where you are, you could both talk about the kinds of things you want to have where you live, and then do some research on what cities offer the kind of lifestyle you want.

This is exactly what I was going to say....

I think talking over the qualities in a place you are both looking for, then researching and finding a spot that you both could live with would be a great solution.

You have to be happy...I hope you find a place that fits you both!

[Flames9_RN 358]

Once I finish school and get some experience, we intend to go reside down in South America for a few yrs!! Try something new

[Eric_and_Corinna 0]

I've lived in the US for over 4 years now. Around 3 years ago I left, moved to Canada and attended University for a semester because I missed home so much I couldn't be away any longer.

After going home I realized I didn't like the weather or the slow pace of Vancouver Island. After being in California so long I had adjusted to the way everyone here is in a mad dash constantly and drive like lunatics. I grew very bored quickly of the bad weather and the slow people and decided to move back.

California isn't my "home" and I don't think ever will be. I am never really perfectly comfortable. I think about going home on a very regular basis, but struggle with that because I know what happened last time I went home. It sort of spoils everything thinking about how I couldn't re-adjust to where I grew up.

So herein lay my dilemma. I love the US, but I also love Canada. But it's not just me anymore, I have a wife to consider. I know she couldn't handle the rainy climate of Seattle for example which I think would be the perfect midpoint for me. I could go home all of the time and still be in the US. But that just wouldn't work. Sara would get so sick of the bad weather we would MAYBE last 6-12 months at best.

We could never move back to my home.

So now I am lost. I am unhappy where I am but I know anywhere else we go there is a risk one of us or both of us won't like it.

I made a plus minus list on a sheet of paper to see if we should move or stay, and it was basically a break even tie of positives and negatives on moving and staying.

Anyone been through this?

Brad

Think about the Denver-Colorado Springs corridor. I lived there for about a year and fell in love with it. 300+ days of sun a year, major sports and concerts, lots of outdoor activities, great downtown areas, young population demographic. If I ever had to leave Alaska for anywhere outside the Pacific Northwest, Denver would be it. Plus, I think they have great air connections to California as well as Western Canada.

The only downside to the area was that I missed the ocean.

And if fast traffic and insane drivers is something you've grown accustomed to, I-25 will be right up your alley.

Good luck

Oh...and after spending time in Austin (didn't live there) I would definitely agree with Moos that it is a great place. But I loved everywhere I've ever been in Texas... Just too damn hot for me!

[pegbert64 0]

Coming from Vancouver to eastern NC has been a HUGE change for me. I just got back from a week at "home", and although I loved so much about Vancouver, I also couldn't wait to come "home" to NC. I think, for me, "home" is where my husband and I are together. We don't plan on staying in this town forever (he is just here for work). We may stay in NC, we may not. He's lived all over the place, and loves FL. We've both thought about Seattle, but neither of us think we could handle all that rain!!! When we first got married, I allowed myself to feel as if I were somewhat at his mercy, when it came to a place to live. He NEVER made me feel like that, mind you... it was my own insecurity of giving up the life I knew in another country..... sort of like I felt I had to follow his lead in the US, since he is the USC. However, I quickly realized that I have as much input into OUR life as does he, which includes where we want to live. I just have to do a lot more research than he does

I do agree with others about looking for a new "hometown" TOGETHER. Hubby and I do that all the time, and it's actually really fun! Instead of finding the "perfect place", or attemping to choose one's choice over the other's, we just window shop places to live. Sort of like brainstorming. He loves checking out things like crime stats (I think he goes to a site called zipskinny.com), and will say "Hey, this town looks pretty cool", and then I'll go to the MLS page and check out the real estate! We check out the weather, economy, activities, lifestyle, housing, education, etc. There are lots of websites to give you some ideas..... I like googling the "Best Places to Live" pages, and seeing where we can link to from there. There was a short list of places that we thought we liked, but the more we researched them TOGETHER, the more we realized we needed to keep looking. He came across Pinehurst, NC..... and although neither of us had ever been there, we liked the look of it on the web. We finally booked a weekend trip there, and fell in love with the place!! It's now at the top of *OUR* list....... not his choice, not mine, but something we discovered together. And that is really neat

So I think that you and your wife are on the right track...... but instead of seeing it as a problem to solve, maybe you could approach it as a fun activity to do together. The added benefit is that we've learned a lot about each other in the process, and even though we don't have a move planned for the near future, we sure have a whole lot better idea of what we'd BOTH like when the time does come.

[Eric_and_Corinna 0]

I know Seattle has this bad reputation for rain, but is there anyone who actually had lived there that knows for a fact that this is true?

I go there several times a year for baseball games and concerts and we've only had bad rain in the late fall/winter. Most of the summer is beautiful. My sister lives there and said that it's not nearly as bad as people think.

[bradcanuck 1]

I know Seattle has this bad reputation for rain, but is there anyone who actually had lived there that knows for a fact that this is true?

I've been there probably 50 times in my life for various reasons, and every time I am there it is raining. Sure, that could be a coincidence. In fact, Seattle doesn't even make it in the top 10 rainiest cities in the US, based on actual measurable rainfall.

I think what makes it seem worse than other areas is that it is gloomy like Vancouver. So it gives the perception that it's always raining.

Wow, there's a lot of us who are in the same position, I guess it's something all of us have in common.

[pegbert64 0]

I know Seattle has this bad reputation for rain, but is there anyone who actually had lived there that knows for a fact that this is true?

I go there several times a year for baseball games and concerts and we've only had bad rain in the late fall/winter. Most of the summer is beautiful. My sister lives there and said that it's not nearly as bad as people think.

My brother lives in Blaine (just south of the border). We were there last week, went up to Vancouver and Whistler, then back to Blaine. The weather was SUNNY SUNNY SUNNY!!!!...... until we left Blaine for SeaTac. It started out clear and sunny, then we saw "them" (clouds) looming ahead. My sweet husband said "Oh look.... we're driving into fog". Ya... *fog*.... sure..... Then it started sprinking. Then the sprinking stopped, but the "fog" stayed. It then dawned on him...... "Or are these CLOUDS?" I explained "cloud cover" to him, as we continued south through the gray, and said it is pretty typical...... you can have weeks like this..... no rain, but no sign of sun. "Wow..." he said, "This is depressing."

So there you have it! Absolutely gorgeous when sunny...... absolutely dismal when "foggy" for days or weeks on end