Husband's divorce papers

[skrulla 0]

I usually post in other parts of vj under a different name, but I'm using this one now for privacy reasons. Although my current SO is not from MENA your story hit me close to home, because of things happening in the past. I know you don't want to entertain the idea of green card fraud, but please understand that the people at the embassy are just trying to do their job, and think how fishy all this looks to them. Even more important, though, and what you should think long and hard about is the fact that he lied to you. I 100% believe that there are just as many liars in any culture/country, but in certain places,often with low educational levels, poverty etc, like you mentioned in your other post, one's surroundings condone a man lying to his wife. When a person who is inclined to tell lies is supported by such a popular belief, the habit of lying will be almost impossible to break, in my experience. The combo of a personality trait bolstered by cultural support and ideas entered into from childhood is just too strong. I know that no two people, nor two situations are alike, but I still want to share my story with you.

When I was about 20 years old I met a man from a different part of the world. He was a refugee and had grown up in a poor, war-torn place where men are dominant culturally, economically etc. He swept me off my feet, was the sweetest person in many ways, and we had great times together, but the lies never ended. The first major lie was about his age. The next thing he "forgot to tell me" was that he was married to his cousin in his home country. This surfaced when his parents came to visit for the first time and "ordered" him to get an immigrant visa for his wife. He then had to tell me, but he swore that he would resist the pressure, pay the dowry back, and divorce her. I moved about an hour away to go to college at this time, and after many strange signs in the following year I finally discovered that he had brought the wife over and was living with her. He refused everything until I showed up at their doorstep to confront him. He cried and begged and swore he would divorce her. He said it was all due to family pressure, and that his family had advised him to not tell me, since he refused to let go of me. I gave him yet another chance when he showed me his official separation papers (place without no-fault divorce). Fast forward another six months, I find he has an eight month old boy with his wife that he didn't tell me about. Didn't think I needed to know, he said. New forgiveness (incredible, I know!), until I finally found out that he had halted the divorce, moved back in with his wife, and she was pregnant again. Finally, I had enough. However, I never saw anyone as devastated as him when I broke up. He was going to commit suicide, would never see his wife again, do anything I asked, yada, yada. In any case, my experience is that when a person lies about these important things, it says something about his or her personality, and it is a habit that is extremely hard to break. Please think long and hard about your future and what is best for you. I wish you all the best!

[nunyab 0]

Oh gf, I just can't believe this. I have read both threads and the situation reeks. I have advice, but I know you don't want to hear it. Think twice about this. Don't put on rose colored glasses. I know you love him, that is obvious. But he lied. And this was not a simple lie, this was major. Do you honestly think it will change down the road now that he was caught once?

sorry friend but as much as I try to stay in the middle area of these threads I have to agree.... take a step back and read your posts as if I am asking those questions and see what you think???? Just try it no spin, no welll... no he said.... just re read your posts. Good luck in all things.

Rajaa

[nunyab 0]

I usually post in other parts of vj under a different name, but I'm using this one now for privacy reasons. Although my current SO is not from MENA your story hit me close to home, because of things happening in the past. I know you don't want to entertain the idea of green card fraud, but please understand that the people at the embassy are just trying to do their job, and think how fishy all this looks to them. Even more important, though, and what you should think long and hard about is the fact that he lied to you. I 100% believe that there are just as many liars in any culture/country, but in certain places,often with low educational levels, poverty etc, like you mentioned in your other post, one's surroundings condone a man lying to his wife. When a person who is inclined to tell lies is supported by such a popular belief, the habit of lying will be almost impossible to break, in my experience. The combo of a personality trait bolstered by cultural support and ideas entered into from childhood is just too strong. I know that no two people, nor two situations are alike, but I still want to share my story with you.

When I was about 20 years old I met a man from a different part of the world. He was a refugee and had grown up in a poor, war-torn place where men are dominant culturally, economically etc. He swept me off my feet, was the sweetest person in many ways, and we had great times together, but the lies never ended. The first major lie was about his age. The next thing he "forgot to tell me" was that he was married to his cousin in his home country. This surfaced when his parents came to visit for the first time and "ordered" him to get an immigrant visa for his wife. He then had to tell me, but he swore that he would resist the pressure, pay the dowry back, and divorce her. I moved about an hour away to go to college at this time, and after many strange signs in the following year I finally discovered that he had brought the wife over and was living with her. He refused everything until I showed up at their doorstep to confront him. He cried and begged and swore he would divorce her. He said it was all due to family pressure, and that his family had advised him to not tell me, since he refused to let go of me. I gave him yet another chance when he showed me his official separation papers (place without no-fault divorce). Fast forward another six months, I find he has an eight month old boy with his wife that he didn't tell me about. Didn't think I needed to know, he said. New forgiveness (incredible, I know!), until I finally found out that he had halted the divorce, moved back in with his wife, and she was pregnant again. Finally, I had enough. However, I never saw anyone as devastated as him when I broke up. He was going to commit suicide, would never see his wife again, do anything I asked, yada, yada. In any case, my experience is that when a person lies about these important things, it says something about his or her personality, and it is a habit that is extremely hard to break. Please think long and hard about your future and what is best for you. I wish you all the best!

OMG!!!! i got goose bumps and tears in my eyes... I am soooo sorry you or anyone would have to go through that. May Allay bless you now and in your future for all the trials you had to endure. Ameen

Rajaa

[skrulla 0]

OMG!!!! i got goose bumps and tears in my eyes... I am soooo sorry you or anyone would have to go through that. May Allay bless you now and in your future for all the trials you had to endure. Ameen

Rajaa

Thank you for the kind words, Rajaa Reda. It wasn't easy, but it taught me a lot, and now almost ten years later, I am definitely less gullible. I also believe that God doesn't give us more than He thinks we can bear. Today I am married to a wonderful man who treats me the way he should, and I'm very happy. Good luck to you on your journey!

[nunyab 0]

OMG!!!! i got goose bumps and tears in my eyes... I am soooo sorry you or anyone would have to go through that. May Allay bless you now and in your future for all the trials you had to endure. Ameen

Rajaa

Thank you for the kind words, Rajaa Reda. It wasn't easy, but it taught me a lot, and now almost ten years later, I am definitely less gullible. I also believe that God doesn't give us more than He thinks we can bear. Today I am married to a wonderful man who treats me the way he should, and I'm very happy. Good luck to you on your journey!

Alhamdolilah you deserve to be treated that way.

Rajaa

[desert_fox 32]

You guys dont think that the Consulate will accept a retroactive divorce???

...with a spouse that was not disclosed, nor that the new wife didnt know about???

I would even amend the petition to include the five kids....since this is what he had in mind all the time....no big deal.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time palilover.

If the divorce papers are stamped with todays date then does that mean your marriage is still legal in the USA?

[nunyab 0]

When the consulate is working to protect us... I think there are several red flags here for us forget the consulate...... best of luck to you.

[Staashi 371]

OMG!!!! i got goose bumps and tears in my eyes... I am soooo sorry you or anyone would have to go through that. May Allay bless you now and in your future for all the trials you had to endure. Ameen

Rajaa

Thank you for the kind words, Rajaa Reda. It wasn't easy, but it taught me a lot, and now almost ten years later, I am definitely less gullible. I also believe that God doesn't give us more than He thinks we can bear. Today I am married to a wonderful man who treats me the way he should, and I'm very happy. Good luck to you on your journey!

Bless you Skrulla and thank you for sharing...that same thing happened to my best friend twice...two different MENA men - one Lebanese, one Palestinian from UAE. I was with her when she met these two different guys - they were good friends going to school in our city. My best friend made them a part of her family...they were around for all parties, marriages, baptisms and so on. What she didn't know about them, and they seemed to have kept it as a pact amongst themselves, was that they both had wives and children in their homelands - but they were married religiously, not civilly. Their families wanted their sons to marry an American and become citizens so that in time they would be able to petition for their wives, children and family members.

She dated one friend for more than a year and dated the other one for more than two, but the good Lord was looking over her and she got lucky twice - one of them came forward and told her what was really going on back home. A few years later, the other's brother said that he didn't want her to get hurt, and he said his brother had a wife and two children in UAE. My friend was devastated that this had happened to her not once but twice. After this, she decided to stop dating for awhile as her luck was really bad. One day she met a really nice American man from Chicago. They got married in 2005 and now have two beautiful children.

There really is no moral to the story, just that #### really does happen and it can break your heart

Edited July 21, 2008 by Staashi