That leap of faith...

[JenT 0]

Here's another example of the 'encouragement' I receive from family... (when will I ever learn?)

(Note to self: Do not phone mom if you are expecting to be encouraged....)

Conversation with my mom today:

Me: blah blah blah 5 days until David arrives... lots to do... I miss him so much... blah blah blah

Mom: Have you thought about the possibility of David arriving here and not being happy living in the US?

Me: blood pressure is rising... heart rate is increasing... fight or flight response is kicking in... quickly dismissing all of the sarcastic comments that come to mind and say instead: Ok, comments like that are NOT helpful.

Ok... so I'm not going to trash my mother on a public forum... I love her... she has my best interests at heart... blah blah blah... but she DOES know how to push my buttons.

David and I have NO OTHER CHOICE now, given my custody agreement with my kids, than for David to move here. And of course the adjustment will have its challenges... but David is willing to move here for 'us'. He has told me that he's not 'giving up a life', he's 'gaining one'... just as I am. Instead of that sort of sacrifice for her daughter making my mother happy, she continues to point out reasons why this MIGHT NOT work...

So I should not take a risk on this love just because things might be difficult? Sigh.

Only you guys understand all of this. I could write more and analyze to death, but of course there will be sacrifices... they will occur on both ends and it will require sensitivity and compassion... and all of the things you do when you LOVE someone.

[iceyspots 0]

Family can either be the best or worst

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Sorry for the pun Faith, I had to do it...and as far as anything at ALL over the net...totally entirely pleading the 5th. M.

edited to add:I'm sure you DO love your Mom, Jen, but I'm sorry she didn't have something more constructive to say; and you're right..we DO understand!!! :) M.

Edited May 17, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Dixie_Peach 1]

I think chemistry or whatever you would like to call it, is what attracts you to a person in the first place and true love, (not the over-used phrase) is what comes from this and it grows stronger as time goes on.

Life is a risk, better to live it than let it pass you by

The leap of faith is trusting yourself and that the promise that love provides will be kept. Lucia and I have physically only spent three weeks together, but we know and understand each other in a much different way than anything I've ever experienced. We both had this silent understanding and festering in our souls that the person we were meant to be with did not live nearby. To what exent.....we didn't know, but when we found each other the connection was immediate and life changing. For both of us....our lives and existence made sense.

When I stepped off that plane in Peru for the first time my thoughts and prayers were that the connection we formed through e-mail and phone conversations were made complete in person. I had never been to that country and given the fraud and other problems, I felt I was taking a risk. I'm not a foolish person, nor do I put myself in situations where I could be taken advantage of. Lucia felt the same way, so we proceed with some caution. I can tell you though that any doubt I had was erased with our first kiss. I waited a lifetime for that kiss.......and it felt like we have always been together somehow....in some way. This was no leap.....it was merely the first step.

All of that distance and lack of physical presence drew us closer as human beings......and when the physical part came it was more spiritual and eternal than just sexual. I don't kiss her lips.....I kiss her soul as if to say thank you. That's when I knew what I had to do and I lost all fear.

merc... who knew you could speak so eloquently!!! you, my dear friend... are a romantic! and i think that lu is blessed to have you as a soon-to-be husband! *hugs*

No Jenn, I don't really disagree with you. I just simply don't see that one or the other guarantees any modicum of marital success.

People can be frauds, whether they are from around the corner or around the globe.

Couples can be unrealistic no matter what their geography is.

The rhythm of a long-term marriage is subject to a whole lot more than the manner in which a couple met.

It's about how the couple keep 're-meeting' and 're-molding' whenever one of lifes 'unfortunate circumstances' unveils itself.

spoken from a true relationship veteran! bravo!

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

Hiya! Very interesting subject indeed. I haven't read all of the comments on this post yet, but the first page really sparked my interest. I can honestly say that fallinging in love over the internet is definately quite the different experience. We can look at it at all different angles and it won't always be the right way for everyone. It was indeed the way Ian and I met. Both of us were going through divorces, and we played on this internet poker site. I believe both of us had been playing at the same site for a few years. We had talked in the lobby of said poker site but it was never anything more than that. I had actually been talking to someone else who was suppose to fly over to the states and meet me, thank god the guy backed out because it opened the door for me to Ian. I have to say though, I was really hurt about this guy, but after a few weeks I was like "what the hell am I upset over? I never even met him in person!". By this time, Ian and I had started talking via msn, the phone, etc. I had booked a flight to come over to England to meet up with a lot of people that I had become friends with on this poker site over the past few years, and I was suppose to stay with a girlfriend but unfortunately a week before I was due to come over, she told me that I couldn't stay with her due to the fact that she was seriously ill. Ian stepped in and told me that if I was ok with it, I could stay with him. We had already been talking for a while now, and I was really starting to like him. Actually, I was starting to fall in love but my lesson learned from the last guy, I wanted to wait and to make sure that this was real. So, I of course I said yes. Now, I need to explain something here lol. This poker site, there is a husband and wife that play on the site that run a charity organization for children. They have a poker 4 charity event every so often. Right before I met Ian, he went to one of these events which was a fancy do. He dressed up as a clown. I had seen the pictures of him at this said event dressed up in his costume. Well, the plan was, my friend Paul was to pick me up at the airport and take me to Ians because Ian had to work. Well, I step off the plane and meet Paul. He turned to me and said lets go get something to eat before I take you to Ian. As I turned around to follow him, there is this clown walking straight at me. IT WAS IAN!!! You know, as soon as I saw him I knew right then and there that he was the one for me. I spent two weeks with him in January 2005, then 10 days with him in Florida in March 2005, then came back to England in May 2005. We got married on the 29th of April 2006. Yes, I do believe that it can be done. I don't believe that it is the end of the world having a translantic relationship. Things happen for a reason. I believe that I got to know Ian better through phone calls, and msn, and letters ets, because we didn't have that pressure of the initial dating that goes with courtship. I am not saying it is for everyone. It is hard at times yes. But having gone through a failed marriage already, I knew what to look for and what not to look for. I have actually grown a considerable amount as a person since meeting Ian. He has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Living together before we decided to get married was great, it gave us the chance to see eachother for what we really are. Yes, I would have liked for him to live with me in America for a bit so he can see me interact with my family, my friends etc, but that couldn't happen due to various reasons, but our relationship works. It clicks. He doesn't take any of my bs, I don't take his, we laugh, we argue, we TALK!! Never have I been this happy (apart from the day I had my kids).

I hope I have answered some of your questions oh great OP. Like I said, it isn't for everyone, but if given a chance, it can work if you just follow a few basic rules which would be 1) don't set yourself up for a fall by saying that you love that person UNTIL you met them face to face 2) Be open and honest; when all you have is communication, it is really the best way to really get to know someone before you meet them 3) Not only be honest with that other person, but be honest with yourself as well 4.) Just go with it...you will never know if you don't just do it...

Thanks...hope it helps...

Laura Mitchell

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Laura, you and I are thinking alike here. I posted that the two weeks in England I spent with Craig were in the top 15 days of my life..with some of the other five also spent with Craig...I was reserving a day for the day my son was born as well. M.

[Welshcookie 17]

Life IS a risk - every single relationship is a risk - doing anything NEW is a risk - but whats life without a bit of risk?

Boring I'd say

Even with my fiance.....we had only been dating 6 weeks when I packed all my wordly goods and moved in with him. everyone was like "whoaaaaaa....moving too fast here" and it was out of character for me as I am usually pretty cautious with relationships. But it felt right deep in my bones. And I was right.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

I'm also thinking about this more from the non-USC pov. To think they have to leave everything they know, pack up an entire life, leave friends family...to move to a foreign place where you're completely dependent on another, where you can't work, can't vote, can't do anything that you're used to, etc...all for a person they've spent maybe the sum total of a few weeks with....well that's nothing short of incredible.

Don't get me wrong, it's incredbile even for those who have been physically together for a long time...it doesn't diminish that sacrifice either...but man, that is just incredible

I have to say, as an USC, it was very hard coming to the UK to live with Ian. Leaving my children (btw way, i was only suppose to be here for 3 months but we wanted to make sure that this was real.), and leaving my friends. Adjusting to a whole new culture..You wouldn't think that it would be so different but it sureeeeee is lol. Now with us being close to getting to America, back to my family and friends, I do worry about Ian packing everything up, selling his house, leaving his two children behind (who are 16 and 19), to come to America and live. I think the initial few months will be ok for him, but once he has time to relax and is settled in, reality is going to hit and he is going to miss everyone. All I can do is be there for him like he has been for me. If you have a real relationship, then it will work. He knows I can't live in the UK on account of my young children so this is the only option for us. He knew that way back in the beginning of our relationship after we first met. As soon as I came back from the UK the first time I even said to him on the phone..how is this going to work with me here and you there? I cant live there because of my children, and you dont want to live here. That was when he told me straight out that he would move to the states.

Again, I hope this helps.

Laura Mitchell

[Marilyn. 340]

Before David and I met online, we both thought online dating was for wackos .... I had only started chatting on the net a few weeks before we met in a chatroom.... I went into a chatroom one day because I was bored... I never had any intention of looking for someone and neither did he....

Well, we met and at first I thought he was a pest but he kind of grew on me and we talked online for a few months and then we graduated to the phone and we talked there for a few months.... We met in person about 8 months after we first met online... We had decided to just meet as friends and take it from there....

From the minute I laid eyes on him I knew I wanted to be with him forever.... I knew I wanted to marry him one day.... My heart just knew.... Needless to say we spent that first weekend as more then friends .... there was a lot of kissing and hugging

He came up for a visit about 3 weeks later and asked me to marry him....

Now we have been married for about 2 years and have been together for about 4 years....

I never thought I would end up falling in love with someone I met on the internet but I wouldn't have it any other way...

You get to know someone on a way more personal level because all you can do is talk....

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

My thoughts exactly...when all you have is communication..your really use that to your advantage to get to know someone on a whole other level.

Not to mention...I really like the waiting to be with someone intimately. All that talking and longing really builds up for an explosive evening...morning...afternoon..evening...morning.;afternoon...lol you get the hint lol. I can honestly say that everyday, I fall in love with Ian all over again. It can be the way he says something, the way he looks at me, or just learning something new about him. Watching him work, or watching TV...he just does it for me. Its a whole new experience for me ...I think I can say it is down to the communication in the beginning ...and even now.

[Bosco 1]

I'm not trying to say that online relationships are bad, or in any way inferior. I didn't even mean to single out online relationships, really. My point was is that I've noticed that some people go through the K1 process after what is often a very brief courtship, and a week-long vacation in their fiance's home country. I just can't see how that situation is not "riskier".

Of course the same applies to people who rush into marriage in any circumstance. It's just that it seems to be more common with K1's because of the restrictions that come along with it.

If you look at divorce statistics, it is also riskier to marry young, or to live together before marriage, as these groups have higher rates of divorce. There is also statistical data that shows people that are more established in terms of their education/career (and thus often marrying later) have higher success rates.

Rebecca

[Jenn! 918]

You get to know someone on a way more personal level because all you can do is talk....

A more personal level? More personal than physically being with them? So people who don't have online relationships have more superficial ones????

I've obviously stepped into the wrong crowd here, strange to be in the minority on this topics because I think I'm usually in the majority here. I really didn't think I'd be the ONLY one who feels the way I do about it.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

You get to know someone on a way more personal level because all you can do is talk....

A more personal level? More personal than physically being with them? So people who don't have online relationships have more superficial ones????

I've obviously stepped into the wrong crowd here, strange to be in the minority on this topics because I think I'm usually in the majority here. I really didn't think I'd be the ONLY one who feels the way I do about it.

Right, I apologise for so many replies, but I am currently on and off line all day whilst I am trying to get the house ready for the estate agent to come through it tonight. In response to that last post, Yes I do feel personally that you do get to know someone on a more personal level when all you have is communication. Once you bring the physical aspect of it into the mix, you then are bringing it to all new level. I am not saying nor did I say in my previous post that the ppl who dont have an online relationship have a superficial relationship. But, those of us who have held off on the physical aspect whether it be because of distance or ones own choice to wait, I think I can say that it is better. This thread has nothing to do with being the minority or being the majority. It has to do with ones own reflection on their own experiences.

When my ex and I were married, I was always the one who wanted to talk and work things out. He on the other hand would just blame me for things going wrong or would just shrug things off as if they didn't matter. His actions in turn made me put a wall up and I started to sweep things under the rug. I suffered dearly and became depressed because I couldn't talk honestly and openly. When I started talking to Ian, and we really started getting to know eachother, one instance really stands out in my mind the most and this is the key instance that really made our relationship and I knew I had a winner. I always rang him first thing in the morning his time to wake him up for work. We had gotten into a real bad argument this one instance and I really thought that we were through. He was open and honest but I had so much fear from my previous marriage that in that one instant crept back up, that I really thought we were done. He actually hung up on me. I called him back a bit later and I was in tears. He simply told me, Laura just because we had an arguement, it doesnt mean we are over. We will work through this like you are suppose to in a healthy relationship. Do you know, with that communication, it solidified our relationship.

Yes, the physical part of a relationship is beautiful and it is a wonderful thing. Especially when you can make love and feel as one. But...what is the physical part if you dont have the communication as well? It would only make what you have really nothing. A couple can't survive on making love alone. I truly believe that the foundation of any relationship is first and foremost the communication. It is the building block of what lies ahead. Once one of those blocks is removed, after time, it will all come crashing down.

Like I said in a previous response, I fall in love with Ian everyday. I never believed that was possible. My best friend from back in NY once told me that she falls in love with her husband everyday, I remember thinking back then..yeah right..how the hell do you do that??? Now that I have it, I am not so skeptical lol. He really grounds me, and makes me feel like I am not broken anymore. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I know he is around or when I know he is about to be home, or even when I talk to him on the phone when he is at work.

Lastly, I am not saying that you can't have the same kind of communication with someone that you meet that is right there. All I am saying is that the communication has to be there first before you can build on that. If you can't talk then I really honestly believe that you have nothing at all. Again, this is only how I FEEL ABOUT IT. This isn't meant to upset anyone or make anyone else's relationship seem like nothing compared to mine. I think love is a beautiful thing and I hope everyone feels the same way about their bf's, gf's, fiances, husbands, or wives..like I feel about my husband. Nothing really can compare to the feeling.

Laura Mitchell

[Jenn! 918]

nevermind.

Edited May 17, 2006 by jenn3539

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Jenn, of course you can talk face to face. I think you know what those of us who made that point are meaning..that's ALL you can do is talk, and possibly(but not always) people seem to talk longer and more in depth online. Maybe that stems from a longing to want to be together, from not having that physical contact, whatever...but I've always found that Craig & I talked online WAY more than on any date or at least much more often...

That said, some people meet his/her match face to face and have just a just as intense of a relationship in person...it really all depends on the couple I suppose.

For us, personally, I always thought Craig & I (along with many others here,no doubt because of the similar situation)had a much deeper relationship after talking about nearly every issue we could think of online before even meeting, than anything I've had in "real"(up to that point) life. M.