That leap of faith...

[Indo_mommy 0]

Interesting topic Lisa!

Me for one, I’ve dated several guys that I met online and like what Cassie said before, the expectations were kinda high and it burnt me badly. But that’s how I learnt…the hard way.

Then when I got introduced to James (my friend made a profile for me on yahoo personal) I wasn’t in that ‘looking for someone’ mode. So I enter that friendship zone with much cautiousness not dreaming of finding my Mr. Right. You can say I was well guarded and determined not to fall for those picture perfect dreams again.

With the time differences and out different work schedules it was hard for James to chat online so he offered to call me instead. And the first time he called me…we spent nearly 4 hours of talking. That was a surprised for me since I never talked that long with somebody I just know. During that first phone call, I didn’t have any of those ‘sweet talks’ kinda things, err…actually it was more like an interview on my part. LOL.

Long story short, we communicate in a way that neither one of us ever had before.

Actually, it took a pretty dramatic incident to make us both realize that we had fallen deeply in love with one another. In 2004, a bomb exploded in front of the Australian Embassy, which is very close to my house and I had to pass that building everyday on my way to work. The reality hit me that I could’ve been one of the victims, how life is too short and I would’ve regret not letting James know exactly how I feel for him if something that horrible happen to me. I called James immediately after I found out about the bomb and we cried on the phone together and he too realized how easily I could’ve been there when the bomb exploded.

Our leap of faith was basically following our hearts and the feelings we have for one another. It’s not easy combining two people from two different backgrounds and cultures but for me that’s what makes us unique and strong.

[faith 0]

No Jenn, I don't really disagree with you. I just simply don't see that one or the other guarantees any modicum of marital success.

People can be frauds, whether they are from around the corner or around the globe.

Couples can be unrealistic no matter what their geography is.

The rhythm of a long-term marriage is subject to a whole lot more than the manner in which a couple met.

It's about how the couple keep 're-meeting' and 're-molding' whenever one of lifes 'unfortunate circumstances' unveils itself.

I'm not trying to say that online relationships are bad, or in any way inferior. I didn't even mean to single out online relationships, really. My point was is that I've noticed that some people go through the K1 process after what is often a very brief courtship, and a week-long vacation in their fiance's home country. I just can't see how that situation is not "riskier".

Of course the same applies to people who rush into marriage in any circumstance. It's just that it seems to be more common with K1's because of the restrictions that come along with it.

I don't know.. I met my ex husband in a bar, when we were both drunk! How does that make that marriage any more apt to work out? Any relationship is risky... come on, you are naive if you think that any relationship is a safe bet. When you put your heart and soul into something you always run a risk.

I was married to my ex for 6 years. At the end of our marriage I can honestly say that I didn't know him at all anymore. Was the marriage a risk? oh hell yeah... I let him adopt my other son from a previous marriage. We had one more son together. I risked my heart and my children's heart for him. And he was local.

So why would falling in love with a man that I had only seen in person for 2 months be more of a risk? It wasn't. It was an equal risk, just as any relationship would be. There is a lot to be said for online relationships and what the long distance can do for your relationship. You get to know that person just as well (even better in some aspects) than you would otherwise. Just because you aren't physically together should never be a factor for discounting the relationship.

Ask me, Johnny, and our boys (my two and the one in my belly) in 30 years if it was a risk. We'll all still say yes, but no more of a risk than normal life is to everyone in the world.

and remember, we had a relationship for 2 years before we were able to get married. Most of us K visa people had to wait a year or more after filing. So none of us are really jumping into anything.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I just have to say this and apologize for the stupid remark in advance....but Faith..if anyone were to take a leap of FAITH, you're the one to do it.... heh heh.

And I soooo agree...(this is a GREAT topic Lisa! ) about the not being together in person, not being THAT big of a deal. I mean, if a couple were to want to abstain from sex before marriage(and I know some) then how is it so different, speaking in person or via webcam, telephone,etc. Granted, you don't even get the cuddles, etc etc that comes with dating with abstinence, but it's not that much different either...except for that longing to DO those things...cuddling,etc. M.

edited: spelling

Edited May 16, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[faith 0]

I just have to say this and apologize for the stupid remark in advance....but Faith..if anyone were to take a leap of FAITH, you're the one to do it.... heh heh.

And I soooo agree...(this is a GREAT topic Lisa! ) about the not being together in person, not being THAT big of a deal. I mean, if a couple were to want to abstain from sex before marriage(and I know some) then how is it so different, speaking in person or via webcam, telephone,etc. Granted, you don't even get the cuddles, etc etc that comes with dating with abstinence, but it's not that much different either...except for that longing to DO those things...cuddling,etc. M.

edited: spelling

hehehe I knew someone would eventually have to make that pun in this thread

ok your little sex paragraph made me think... "well some people in long distance internet relationships have sex in some shape or form" sorry i'm a little dirty minded lately

[terri o'neale 0]

I just have to say this and apologize for the stupid remark in advance....but Faith..if anyone were to take a leap of FAITH, you're the one to do it.... heh heh.

And I soooo agree...(this is a GREAT topic Lisa! ) about the not being together in person, not being THAT big of a deal. I mean, if a couple were to want to abstain from sex before marriage(and I know some) then how is it so different, speaking in person or via webcam, telephone,etc. Granted, you don't even get the cuddles, etc etc that comes with dating with abstinence, but it's not that much different either...except for that longing to DO those things...cuddling,etc. M.

edited: spelling

You did have to mention cuddles...I think I miss that most.

I just have to say this and apologize for the stupid remark in advance....but Faith..if anyone were to take a leap of FAITH, you're the one to do it.... heh heh.

And I soooo agree...(this is a GREAT topic Lisa! ) about the not being together in person, not being THAT big of a deal. I mean, if a couple were to want to abstain from sex before marriage(and I know some) then how is it so different, speaking in person or via webcam, telephone,etc. Granted, you don't even get the cuddles, etc etc that comes with dating with abstinence, but it's not that much different either...except for that longing to DO those things...cuddling,etc. M.

edited: spelling

hehehe I knew someone would eventually have to make that pun in this thread

ok your little sex paragraph made me think... "well some people in long distance internet relationships have sex in some shape or form" sorry i'm a little dirty minded lately

Pregnancy does that...BAD!

[faith 0]

I just have to say this and apologize for the stupid remark in advance....but Faith..if anyone were to take a leap of FAITH, you're the one to do it.... heh heh.

And I soooo agree...(this is a GREAT topic Lisa! ) about the not being together in person, not being THAT big of a deal. I mean, if a couple were to want to abstain from sex before marriage(and I know some) then how is it so different, speaking in person or via webcam, telephone,etc. Granted, you don't even get the cuddles, etc etc that comes with dating with abstinence, but it's not that much different either...except for that longing to DO those things...cuddling,etc. M.

edited: spelling

You did have to mention cuddles...I think I miss that most.

I just have to say this and apologize for the stupid remark in advance....but Faith..if anyone were to take a leap of FAITH, you're the one to do it.... heh heh.

And I soooo agree...(this is a GREAT topic Lisa! ) about the not being together in person, not being THAT big of a deal. I mean, if a couple were to want to abstain from sex before marriage(and I know some) then how is it so different, speaking in person or via webcam, telephone,etc. Granted, you don't even get the cuddles, etc etc that comes with dating with abstinence, but it's not that much different either...except for that longing to DO those things...cuddling,etc. M.

edited: spelling

hehehe I knew someone would eventually have to make that pun in this thread

ok your little sex paragraph made me think... "well some people in long distance internet relationships have sex in some shape or form" sorry i'm a little dirty minded lately

Pregnancy does that...BAD!

I know

[Fandango 1,440]

Wow I've gotten a lot of insight, and I really appreciate you all being so open and honest.

[rodney22 0]

To Lisa D: Personally you raise alot of questions. I can not imagine meeting someone over the internet and not knowing how they really are in person. I wish happiness for all no matter how they met, but I know that life will be hard enough when you have physically dated and lived in the same country. Like I said no matter how you find and hold on to love-Good Luck.

[Fandango 1,440]

I'm also thinking about this more from the non-USC pov. To think they have to leave everything they know, pack up an entire life, leave friends family...to move to a foreign place where you're completely dependent on another, where you can't work, can't vote, can't do anything that you're used to, etc...all for a person they've spent maybe the sum total of a few weeks with....well that's nothing short of incredible.

Don't get me wrong, it's incredbile even for those who have been physically together for a long time...it doesn't diminish that sacrifice either...but man, that is just incredible

[faith 0]

I'm also thinking about this more from the non-USC pov. To think they have to leave everything they know, pack up an entire life, leave friends family...to move to a foreign place where you're completely dependent on another, where you can't work, can't vote, can't do anything that you're used to, etc...all for a person they've spent maybe the sum total of a few weeks with....well that's nothing short of incredible.

Don't get me wrong, it's incredbile even for those who have been physically together for a long time...it doesn't diminish that sacrifice either...but man, that is just incredible

I'll ask my husband to comment his thoughts on this subject when he gets a chance after my son's baseball practice tonight. that will give you a non usc perspective if you want

[Lou Lou 1]

I haven't read all through the replies but my experience was as follows... We actually did date 'in a fashion' for a long time before getting married despite living so far apart. We met online in Jan '98 and married in April '04. There was no way in hell I was going to marry someone without spending a LOT of time with them in person. I would never marry someone so quickly if they lived in the same town as me so I wasn't prepared to jump the timeline just becasue we were apart. I am self employed and he is a professor so I took time off when I could for long trips to the US and he spent school holidays with me including a year sabbatical. I know we are the exception to the norm but even if we didn't have the funds I would have still waited so long before getting married. Maybe it's different when we both had so much to give up with established careers etc and would have been easier with less in the pot in the first place.

[Indo_mommy 0]

I'm also thinking about this more from the non-USC pov. To think they have to leave everything they know, pack up an entire life, leave friends family...to move to a foreign place where you're completely dependent on another, where you can't work, can't vote, can't do anything that you're used to, etc...all for a person they've spent maybe the sum total of a few weeks with....well that's nothing short of incredible.

Don't get me wrong, it's incredbile even for those who have been physically together for a long time...it doesn't diminish that sacrifice either...but man, that is just incredible

Lisa, I'm the non-USC here and I can honestly say that it doesn't really scare me to move to a new country and leave everything I have back home to be with someone that I believe is my true soulmate. I've been living on my own (away from my parents) since I was 15 years old so I guess that helps a lot too. Although it is not that easy to adjust here I think of it as a new adventure and what's more fun is the fact that I will be going thru this adventure with the man I love. And now I feel I am home!

[chri'stina 190]

Each person has a different way of doing things, and that is fine. I knew I wouldn't be someone who was in a very very long relationship before marriage. I wouldn't just marry someone fast either, I mean I knew after meeting the person I was meant to be with, we'd probably get married within a couple years.

We married 3 years after meeting online, as I said earlier...but we woud have gotten married even sooner if not for the visa process and him being so stinking far away. My parents got engaged 4 months after meeting, and married 8 months later. They have been very happily married for 27 years now. So it really depends on what you want or think is right. Some people like to wait for various reasons, which I understand. And others just don't want to wait as long.

I do feel you should know the person you are marrying well, as well as you can. I also find myself thinking it a bit rushed to see ppl marry after only knowing eachother 6 months online or less, but I can't judge. Maybe because in my experience, we had to wait 2 years before we could be around each other. But we wanted to be around each other much sooner than that...but Sujeet's tourist visa was not granted. So no meeting earlier than that could happen. And anyway many people here may think we were odd for marrying after only be in each other's presence for 2 weeks, while we actually knew each other for 3 years.

Edited May 16, 2006 by stina&suj

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Oyen I think of it as a bit of an adventure as well - but once, a few years ago now, I quit my job and went travelling round the world for a couple of years, so maybe im just 'adventurous!'

Len is the first guy I've met as far as someone I knew I had feelings for over the net. Neither of us were 'looking' when we started talking (instant messaging) and we met thru a mutual pal, who had told me he needed cheering up after his marriage broke up. He HAD suggested I email him but I didnt really know Lenny that well - we play in an online Role playing Trek game - so I thought Id just say HI if he popped up on MSN or AIM.

We talked that first night, i remember he made me laugh a lot and I always love a good sense of humor.

We spoke a lot after that, then every night, then every night for HOURS..months went past and he made an off the cuff remark about me going to visit, and I just said yes, ok.

I wasn't nervous when we met - which was after about 6 months of being friends (altho I knew we had feelings for each other I didnt know what hose feelings WERE if that makes sense) - I already KNEW I liked him after all that chatting and that we would get along ok..so if there was no chemistry..it wasnt a big deal. We'd have a fun time, hang out and I'd go home, and we'd still be friends.

Unusually for me, I think I was a bit shy at first - but we had a 3 hour car ride for me to get over myself - which I did pretty quickly.

And we DID have chemistry.

Oh boy did we

Now its been almost 5 years - we've had several visits, none more than 2 weeks granted but we're not 'always on our BEST behaviour' now - we've seen each other cranky and whatnot (which I think is good, its real life stuff), and we talk a lot because we HAVE to. Its our only avenue to communicate - but its good - we seem to have forged a deeper bond, a stronger link, whatever cliche fits

I couldn't have said Id marry him sight unseen. For me I needed to know the person I spoke to was the real deal - and anyways neither of us were in the 'marrying mindset' for ages. We havent jumped into this - and for me, i can only speak for myself obviously, thats a good thing. We DO have history; ok its not the 'norm' as far as most dating realtionships go but like someone (becca or pax) said; its no MORE risk than one of those relationships.

Life IS a risk - every single relationship is a risk - doing anything NEW is a risk - but whats life without a bit of risk?

Boring I'd say

[Cassie 8]

And then there are the tragic posts that we read on VJ... and we are reminded how vulnerable we really are... how fragile love can be. Does ANYONE really know for certain? Love is more than a feeling... and if two people are truly committed, then even in those moments when you don't LIKE each other, you still have that love and the security of that commitment to fall back upon.

Jen

beautiful!

I'm also thinking about this more from the non-USC pov. To think they have to leave everything they know, pack up an entire life, leave friends family...to move to a foreign place where you're completely dependent on another, where you can't work, can't vote, can't do anything that you're used to, etc...all for a person they've spent maybe the sum total of a few weeks with....well that's nothing short of incredible.

Don't get me wrong, it's incredbile even for those who have been physically together for a long time...it doesn't diminish that sacrifice either...but man, that is just incredible

It's funny, before Jerry and I got together, I would have immediately labelled a couple doing what we did "nutty". We only spent less than a month together in each other's presence before we were married - nutty! We knew each other 10 months before we got married - nutty! but the crazy thing is, it made sense for us. And our family and friends understood as soon as they saw us together and didn't question it all that much.

I try not to dwell on that part really, on what I can't do, and focus on what I can do. Being part of a truly great marriage has helped to make the transition easier.