That leap of faith...

[terri o'neale 0]

It's about how the couple keep 're-meeting' and 're-molding' whenever one of lifes 'unfortunate circumstances' unveils itself.

I love the way to put that. Never heard it said better.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Many of you already know a lot about our relationship, (sorry, my bad ) but I'd like to add a few things here as well.

Craig and I never intended to meet anyone on the Internet. We both thought it was an absolutely ridiculous concept..until it happened to US, of course! Funny how personal experience can change one's mind when it thinks it's already set on something else, isn't it? We met on a poetry site...we both enjoyed(enjoy..but not much time nowdays, it seems) venting our frustrations and feelings there..and getting our creative sides out. One night Craig stumbled across a poem of mine and left a comment, I looked his up and returned the favor. After several times doing this, I emailed him thanking him for his insights(he left really thoughtful comments) and thought that would be that, aside from a 'your welcome'. It wasn't intended to go any further by either of us...as time progressed, we thought it was 'cool' to know someone on the other side of the world, so we continued to email. Eventually, I asked him if he had ever chatted on yahoo.(I personally only used it for family and close friends that have moved away..I was never into the big chat room scene..but absolutely no offense to those who are..that's just not me) He downloaded messenger, as he hadn't really ever done that before either(which I took as a really good sign) and we began to chat...I'll never forget our first words. Me: are you here? Him: I think so. It was cute. ANYWAY, there came a time in our chatting that we started to have feelings and that's when the phone calls started. I thought I might have trouble understanding him, or there might be long gaps in conversation...but none of that happened..it was wonderful. The only downside was a huge bill (utter stupidity and calling cards came into it after that on both of our ends!!!) the next month in the mail.

We have both always felt that the fact that we had so many months to just TALK(as others have mentioned) and nothing else(as many of us would like to have done! ) made a great deal of difference in our relationship. When all you can do is speak to one another, in whatever form, you learn SO much about who someone really is. Also, it makes it a lot easier to weed out the people that are just in it for the physical...like you might meet in person,but not realize until it's too late. We got to know one another on a level that neither of us think would have happened had we spent that much time or more, in each other's physical company. He totally arranged his sleep schedule to speak to me when it was convenient for ME since I had a child, and I went without much sleep staying up late to talk to him before I had to get up for work. Something just CLICKED for us.(and most of us here). We had both been in bad previous relationships, and we decided that was good....if not for them, we wouldn't be the people we are now, and we wouldn't fully appreciate what we had in each other.

When we met in person, Craig was supposed to stay 2 weeks. He had a driving job with the council at the time. We were so enamored, that he decided to stay longer....86 days to be precise. Of course, he lost his job, but since he had an HGV in England, he knew he could go to any number of agencies and get driving jobs when he got back, as he didn't need anything perm. anymore anyway..we filed the K1 about 30 days after he arrived. I think it was really good that we had that time to confirm our feelings, but like many here who didn't have that time, we just KNEW we wanted to be together already before we had met at all...but it was both necessary for the process, and smart, to confirm that in person.

You also know that we've had several problems with the adjustment. For us, that's just something that has to be worked through. MOST of the problems aren't caused by US, or our marriage, and the ones that are....I could just as easily have had the same difficulties marrying someone from up the road or in the next town...it's difficult living with someone, and consulting them in decisions after you lived years on your own and pretty much 'run' your own life how you saw fit.

For those that only get small amounts of time to visit one another...there IS 90 days allowed before you married(as you know) and we took full advantage of that as well. Before Craig ever came back we set our wedding date to about 2 1/2 months after he got here...perfect situation(for us) really...gave us more time to plan, and let us be sure of our feelings as well.

Things have been tough at times, but I thank God I found him, and that he loves me like he does(and of course I him!!) for whatever reason...it's great when you finally find the real deal...no matter how or where.... (F) M.

OMG!!!! I didn't realize it was THAT!! long...sorry!!! :blush:

Edited May 16, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Jenn! 918]

No Jenn, I don't really disagree with you. I just simply don't see that one or the other guarantees any modicum of marital success.

People can be frauds, whether they are from around the corner or around the globe.

Couples can be unrealistic no matter what their geography is.

The rhythm of a long-term marriage is subject to a whole lot more than the manner in which a couple met.

It's about how the couple keep 're-meeting' and 're-molding' whenever one of lifes 'unfortunate circumstances' unveils itself.

I'm not trying to say that online relationships are bad, or in any way inferior. I didn't even mean to single out online relationships, really. My point was is that I've noticed that some people go through the K1 process after what is often a very brief courtship, and a week-long vacation in their fiance's home country. I just can't see how that situation is not "riskier".

Of course the same applies to people who rush into marriage in any circumstance. It's just that it seems to be more common with K1's because of the restrictions that come along with it.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

It could be 'riskier' for some Jenn, I agree. Many tho, like Craig & I, have defined their relationship online for a VERY long time before they ever commit to marriage,and thus feel that they really DO know one another. I know we did.

Also, like I mentioned in my above post..it doesn't have to be just a week. Many people marry a couple of weeks after getting together, but that's just preference, not necessity. They have 90 days of living together (if that option works for them with religion,etc etc) in order to decide if it's going to work. Not a long time, but much longer than a week or two as well. M.

(edited because IT could be risker...*I*'m not riskier. )

Edited May 16, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[pax 0]

I'm not trying to say that online relationships are bad, or in any way inferior. I didn't even mean to single out online relationships, really. My point was is that I've noticed that some people go through the K1 process after what is often a very brief courtship, and a week-long vacation in their fiance's home country. I just can't see how that situation is not "riskier".

Of course the same applies to people who rush into marriage in any circumstance. It's just that it seems to be more common with K1's because of the restrictions that come along with it.

I think that's a more sensible way to put it.

There's not much use complaining about it—it's part and parcel of having an international relationship, and the fact is that many of the USCs here could not have waltzed into the non-USC's country for an indefinite stay any more than the non-USC could have done likewise. Even if it would have been possible legally, it might not have been financially.

Again, you do your best to suss out that you're in this for the long haul with someone who will work with you and not against you, and you open yourself to a lot of different possibilities. You develop patience and flexibility and curiosity. And you stay open to the possibility of mistakes and mind-changes and bumps in the road. You do the best you can—the USCs and the non-USCs alike.

[rebeccajo 14]

No Jenn, I don't really disagree with you. I just simply don't see that one or the other guarantees any modicum of marital success.

People can be frauds, whether they are from around the corner or around the globe.

Couples can be unrealistic no matter what their geography is.

The rhythm of a long-term marriage is subject to a whole lot more than the manner in which a couple met.

It's about how the couple keep 're-meeting' and 're-molding' whenever one of lifes 'unfortunate circumstances' unveils itself.

I'm not trying to say that online relationships are bad, or in any way inferior. I didn't even mean to single out online relationships, really. My point was is that I've noticed that some people go through the K1 process after what is often a very brief courtship, and a week-long vacation in their fiance's home country. I just can't see how that situation is not "riskier".

Of course the same applies to people who rush into marriage in any circumstance. It's just that it seems to be more common with K1's because of the restrictions that come along with it.

Well, it's probably common because most people don't have multiple entry visas and Leer jets.

In other words, it is what it is.

For me it's a risk getting out of bed these days.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

That's it right there Pax..those last couple of lines. We've had our bumps, but we still love each other SO much...it's all about doing the best you can with what you have to work with, and finding a way around the obstacles instead of crashing head on into them. We're still trying to do that, but I'm feeling confident that we will...because we WERE sure of our FEELINGS when we got married...and as hard as the rest is, I STILL think(tho some do disagree I know)that that's the most important part. M.

:lol: Becca.

Edited May 16, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[rebeccajo 14]

I swear, if I ever hit the big-time money pile lotto, I'm gonna get a big freakin' jet with the letters 'VJ' enblazened on the tail and hire it out cheap..................................

[Mand 1]

We both took a risk moving to the U.S. but if we hadn't, Rob would have always wondered 'what if'. And now we are taking another leap, this time...back to Ireland

As I said earlier, life is a risk, but it's better to live it than let it pass you by...

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Since you'll already be rich, cheap as in....only gas money,right???

[JenT 0]

Before I met the love of my life, David, I met someone online whom I 'thought' was my soul mate, Paul. The connection was a strong one and we met for dinner after only 5 days of 'talking' via email. The chemistry was there, same life goals, same values (or so it seemed), same faith beliefs... the whole bit. 3 months later, we had been talking about marriage, and I found myself on my way to NY (from MI) to be with my father... he was being operated on for an abdominal aortic aneurysm that had been being monitored for two years. We weren't sure he was going to survive the surgery. My 'soul mate' could not come with me due to his work schedule and after having stopped overnight in PA, I sent him a text message via cell phone to ask why he'd been so quiet the entire time we were traveling. He responded that he'd been having second thoughts about our relationship... he had unresolved feelings about his ex, thought things were going too fast with us, blah blah blah. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. I was facing a frightening time with my father and the person I had considered my soul mate was abandoning without any warning. (My father is fine now, btw.)

VERY long story short(er), I went thru the summer I believing in Paul, trusting that he was doing the right thing in trying to sort things out... He was not seeing his ex gf, but was trying to make sense of what he wanted out of life. I was in his shoes after my divorce... so I waited. Having been strung along all summer, I decided, when I was in Germany with friends last August that I had had enough and that I would break up with Paul as soon as I returned to the US. Enter David. Our story is a lengthy one and is written in my profile for those who aren't tired of reading already I wasn't looking, and there he was. I was completely honest with David about the situation I was in, but that did not dissuade David's persistence. I did my best to focus on a long distance relationship with him, but Paul would not go quietly. I asked David to cancel his holiday visiting plans with me and gave Paul another chance... it lasted 24 hours and he broke up with me AGAIN. I was a fool for trusting him and I didn't tell David... he deserved someone who could love him without a divided heart and then, that was not me. 2 months later, we text messaged each other on his birthday, and then phoned and talked and talked and talked...

Never in my life did I EVER think I'd be in this situation in my life.. in love with someone who lives on another continent.. and finding that love growing exponentially every day, despite the distance. Until we met in February, we had spent a total of 27 hours together... and as soon as I saw him round the corner at the airport, I knew that we would be together forever.

I guess I'm not sure why I wrote all that background other than to simply (and finally!) say that I trust in the life experience that I've had to know that I am making the right decision where David is concerned. I never questioned my feelings about David, but I was afraid of the distance... afraid of how intensely HE felt about me... after what I'd been through, I didn't think I deserved to be loved in that way. After what I put David through, I KNEW I didn't deserve him. But he never wavered in his love and respected the distance that I requested... all of the subtle signs were there... It wasn't as much about trusting David as it was needing to learn to trust myself again.

Because of what I've been through, I personally could never meet someone online and become engaged to begin this immigration process without having 'some' of the affirmation that you can only get when you meet your 'intended's' family and friends. You can tell a lot about a person when you see how they interact with family/friends, with kids, older adults, even with a waiter/waitress in a restaurant. Perhaps I'm too jaded but everyone approaches relationships differently. I've learned what's important for me to experience.

Even so, I do get challenged by 'well-meaning' friends and family... do I "really" know David? How does HE know he wants to live here in the US when he's only been here once for a short time 20 (or so) years ago? Wouldn't it be 'safer' to find someone locally? What happens if he can't find a job? I get SO tired of trying to defend my love for him, but I guess in some ways, that serves to make it even stronger. United we stand, right?

And then there are the tragic posts that we read on VJ... and we are reminded how vulnerable we really are... how fragile love can be. Does ANYONE really know for certain? Love is more than a feeling... and if two people are truly committed, then even in those moments when you don't LIKE each other, you still have that love and the security of that commitment to fall back upon.

Whew... congrats if you made it to the end of this monologue!

Jen

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I enjoyed reading your backround, personally, and I agree with much of what you said at the end there...you certainly can and do learn a lot about someone seeing how they interact with friends and family. For me, I know who the REAL Craig is, and not just the way he becomes sometimes when he's having a really difficult time over here. Those two weeks I spent with him over there were in the top 15 days of my entire life...and a few of the others were spent with Craig as well. I think a lot of us have gone thru the questioning of family/friends, but after mine met Craig and saw us together, they got it. We haven't had as many of the moments you speak of at the end recently, but we DO have them, and I agree with that too..when you are having a tough time, it's SO nice to have that committment and general knowledge that your love goes deeper than this one petty arguement. M.

[rebeccajo 14]

Since you'll already be rich, cheap as in....only gas money,right???

Yeah. The little bag of peanuts is free too.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

don't forget the pretzels for those with peanut allergies. Although...if they were getting a nearly free flight to their beloved...I guess they might forget about the snack hey? Well... this is interesting..but I better get my now-flat butt up and do something else I suppose....

[JenT 0]

... but after mine met Craig and saw us together, they got it....

That will help in my case, I'm sure... no one else but my children have met David... my parents spoke with him over the phone when he called them to ask for their blessing , but that was it. All they have to go by is what I have said and explained. For a while, I took their challenges personally (David still gets defensive), but I know that's it's only out of love and concern that they questioned as they did.

Jen