That leap of faith...

[chri'stina 190]

I just want everyone here to know that I personally am not saying that anyone here has a 'better' relationship than anyone else.

I guess my point was, in relationships like ours...the stakes are higher. There's more to lose. I'm a cautious sort & would not be able to 'vouch' for him immigration wise had I not spent a great deal of time with him. But that's just me.

A lot of you here are my friends...some of you here are future friends...and the last thing I want my curiosity to do is to alienate anyone or make them feel bad about themselves. So if I have done that, I truly apologise because it was not my intention at all.

No worries, I understand the curiousity since I wondered the same before it happened to me.

[JenT 0]

I don't think anyone's feeling offended, Lisa... I've been very proud of us in this thread. So many threads I've seen have gone COMPLETELY off topic with judgements and misunderstandings.. I've personally learned a lot about people's views on this and have been affirmed that I'm not the only one who gets defensive with questions about David's and my relationship that start off with "What if..." or "Have you thought about..." I should start answering by saying: "No, all we really talk about is the WEATHER."

Jen

[Sister Fracas 5]

Nope, no offense here... in my wildest dreams I never would have believed it would have been my story either.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I never thought that at all Lisa...speaking for myself.

Like I said in my first post to the topic(I think first!) we thought it was riduculous to meet online,etc etc until it happened to US too...and if someone would have told us about this process, and the possibilities of not spending much time together first and then getting married...we would have both said NO WAY! In fact, he WAS only supposed to be here 2 weeks originally before we filed the K1. The reason he stayed longer is so we didn't have to be apart...not so we could get to know each other better and be sure..because we filed the K1 soon after he got here anyway! We already knew. We're all different tho, and what works for some won't necessarily work for another. That's all it really boils down to... I just say...so long as it WORKS!!! M.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

LisaD - first of congrats on making me spit coffee everywhere from laughing at this line: '30 years ago I was crapping in my diaper' I thought I was gonna have a choking fit!

2nd - the stakes are higher - I can see what you're saying there..yeah..maybe they ARE higher - with the whole moving / new culture etc deal thing. If a relationship fails in your own backyard you can start over without too much (relatively speaking) hassle - but abroad - far from things that are familiar - yeah...

Still..I go back to my original point about risk..its part of life..the more we risk the bigger the possible rewards (as well as the losses). I'd still take the leap.

[Indo_mommy 0]

You speak about fraud...but what really is fraud? You know until the past century or so love and marriage were not synonomous. And often times even now in some (perhaps even most) cultures they still aren't. Marriage was about a deal...a contract...a covenant with another person, another family, or another village. Given that so many cultures still function that way I have to question is it really fraud or is it simply another type of reality/relationship which we simply do not understand. Totally playing devils advocate if the deal is a better country, better housing, better clothes, better food and in exchange you get maid service, sex, and obedience...who am I to call that arrangement any less valid...if both people agreed and understood what they were buying.

I say this from hindsight. As I was going my divorce about 7 years ago, my youngest son then had a best friend whose mother was from Indonesia. They had been married over ten years. She would complain about her husband not allowing her to work. I was like...not allowing...this is America...do what you want now. But that wasn't their deal or her culture. She eventually introduced her younger sister to one of his older friends...and they were over 15 years age difference to begin with. It was their culture, their reality. They would have been sold in mariage anyway...she just got the best deal she could. And so did he...cause someone like me sure wouldn't have bought the whole allow thing. They produed two beautiful children, had a good life and last I heard are still married...20 years maybe...or darn near it.

Personally I don't understand it...and could never be a part of such an arrangement. But what is love anyway?

PS...Go ahead I know I'm gonna be flamed...pwaned (what is that anyway?) But I just wanted to logically point out that alot of this cultural. I don't think USCIS requires love for it to be a valid relationship...maybe I'm wrong?

Terri, as an Indonesian women, I can tell you this...yes there are some 'old' traditional cultures back home from many different tribes that still do this kinda of arrange marriage things. However not all Indonesian women are bound to be sold in marriage. Just FYI from another Indonesian women on board who married a westerner...I saw and heard about that kinda stories all the time and I just feel like you should know that not all Indonesian women are 'trapped' in that way.

[Fandango 1,440]

LisaD - first of congrats on making me spit coffee everywhere from laughing at this line: '30 years ago I was crapping in my diaper' I thought I was gonna have a choking fit!

2nd - the stakes are higher - I can see what you're saying there..yeah..maybe they ARE higher - with the whole moving / new culture etc deal thing. If a relationship fails in your own backyard you can start over without too much (relatively speaking) hassle - but abroad - far from things that are familiar - yeah...

Still..I go back to my original point about risk..its part of life..the more we risk the bigger the possible rewards (as well as the losses). I'd still take the leap.

uh oh! send me the drycleaning bill

and 2nd - you're right, everything in life is a risk...didn't someone once say 'with great risk comes great reward'?

[Indo_mommy 0]

I just want everyone here to know that I personally am not saying that anyone here has a 'better' relationship than anyone else.

I guess my point was, in relationships like ours...the stakes are higher. There's more to lose. I'm a cautious sort & would not be able to 'vouch' for him immigration wise had I not spent a great deal of time with him. But that's just me.

A lot of you here are my friends...some of you here are future friends...and the last thing I want my curiosity to do is to alienate anyone or make them feel bad about themselves. So if I have done that, I truly apologise because it was not my intention at all.

Lisa your post is actually interesting because different people have different opinions in these 'leap of faith'.

[Fandango 1,440]

I just want everyone here to know that I personally am not saying that anyone here has a 'better' relationship than anyone else.

I guess my point was, in relationships like ours...the stakes are higher. There's more to lose. I'm a cautious sort & would not be able to 'vouch' for him immigration wise had I not spent a great deal of time with him. But that's just me.

A lot of you here are my friends...some of you here are future friends...and the last thing I want my curiosity to do is to alienate anyone or make them feel bad about themselves. So if I have done that, I truly apologise because it was not my intention at all.

Lisa your post is actually interesting because different people have different opinions in these 'leap of faith'.

I'm more a 'believe it when I see it' girl.....

[flossiefus 0]

like many others who have added to this great thread, i just have to give my thoughts. I dont think jumping into marriage from any relationship is very sensible. I hadn't intended to marry anyone, whether face-to-face or the internet, and at my age was quite surprised at the positive support I received from family and friends when i announced my decision. I was dismayed by the USA visa situation, and would have much prefered the Australian way either to be partners without marriage or at the least the Fiance Visa that allows nine months to be together before the visa expires.

We had 3 weeks togther as a holiday with no strings, just the intention to have the best time touring Florida and during that time started to realise we wanted to be together and then after much discussion making the huge decision that we would have to apply to USCIS to be together because of my hubby's medical treatment and will apply to return to Australia in the future. So I handed over most of my belongings to my sons, resigned from my job to join him last april. and that was OUR huge leap of faith.

We had faith in our ability to know that if we didnt take this opportunity we would always question what we had missed. My grandmother once told me when it happened that I would know - she was right!

Our time on the internet between the holiday and my return was hours and hours and I felt we were very connected, however... the real connection came before we had any ideas of ever being together. We really got to know one another well, just as friends. The fact we had known one another before either of our marriages had ended but werent aware at that time of the turmoil the others lives were in, became obvious later. Then after I was seperated the job I had allowed me to be online at different hours (our time zones are particularly hard, being 14 hours apart) and our friendship was strong and only gradually did it become obvious that there was more to this.

Sorry about the length, its hard to explain in fewer words, that its about having faith in yourself and knowing what you want and taking the risk of being hurt, for the joy outweighs the risk of never knowing

[rebeccajo 14]

OOOH! OOOH! OOOH!

Damn, all this keyboard pounding and right there is the answer to the question, Lisa! And it's from a grannie....

Hee hee ..... they're right about wisdom after all, aren't they!!

If you don't leap, you may never fly!

We had faith in our ability to know that if we didnt take this opportunity we would always question what we had missed. My grandmother once told me when it happened that I would know - she was right!

Edited May 18, 2006 by rebeccajo

[rebeccajo 14]

Oh, can I just add here...in the sappy, completely over-the-top romantic department.....

I have always like these lyrics.......from a very famous song recorded by a very famous englishman....

In the circle of life

It's the wheel of fortune

It's the leap of faith

It's the band of hope

Till we find our place

On the path unwinding

In the circle, the circle of life .....

And I quoted them to him - in chat - the day I decided it would be okay for him to phone me........

[Indo_mommy 0]

Oh, can I just add here...in the sappy, completely over-the-top romantic department.....

I have always like these lyrics.......from a very famous song recorded by a very famous englishman....

In the circle of life

It's the wheel of fortune

It's the leap of faith

It's the band of hope

Till we find our place

On the path unwinding

In the circle, the circle of life .....

And I quoted them to him - in chat - the day I decided it would be okay for him to phone me........

That is beautiful & very true Becca.

[Cassie 8]

But besides that I don't ever think anything strange about our marriage, until someone else points out that it seems strange.

Ya know.....we are still on the upswing of the whole online relationship thing. I think years down the road, people won't find it strange a bit at all...but until then...hey, we're ahead of the curve!

most people I know don't really think it's strange anymore, but I guess because they have seen people they knew well (well they know me!) go through it and have a successful time of it!

whenever someone asks us how we met, I always say "oh, we're one of those wacky couples that met on the internet". More and more people reply back "oh, so and so that we know met the same way" etc etc. Soon, we won't be the wacky couple anymore LOL

[PlatyPius 5]

I can tell you about Sian and I. That will give you my "take" on the matter.

Sian and I met on a message board. A pagan message board, to be specific. I had no idea what she looked like at the time. We chatted back and forth via email for a while.....nothing very consistent. I was VERY interested in her, but based on some of her posts, I thought she was married. Therefore, I didn't say or do anything to let her know of my interest.

Not much later I found out that she wasn't married, and had never been married. Through our conversations, I started to fall for her. Then she sent me a picture of herself to post in the gallery on my message board. I fell all the way. She has the most amazing eyes. That was what did it for me.

3 months later, she was here and we were engaged. When we met at the airport, there was no question of not being compatible or any such thing. I loved Sian for who she was. She just happened to be a hottie. Over the course of the 11 days she was here, we got closer and closer. When she flew back to the UK, it was heartbreaking. We talk every day via MSN or the phone.

She's decided that she can't wait the 5 months or so, that it will take for the K-1 process, to see me again. So she's flying back here in July for 2-3 weeks. I'm all excited about that, obviously.

Anyway, Sian's first visit was the "test visit". We were hopelessly in love by that point, but were still holding off somewhat until we had spent some time together. Luckily, we were even more compatible in person than online. (Things tend to bother me more online than in real life.....that whole lack of facial expressions thing....)

Meeting Sian online gave me a chance to really know her at the first. She is not an open person in real life, but she opened up online. I knew more about her after 2 months than did her last boyfriend after 6 years. Some people hide behind internet personas, but others are completely themselves....maybe for the first time. Another benefit is she's also completely open with me in real life now too. (Me, I'm always open....online and in RL) I think our relationship is much better for having met online than if we'd met first in person. We were able to fall in love with each other's personality first. We were able to be friends without occasional "explicit" thoughts first. lol

So, there's my take on it. What if Sian and I hadn't been attracted to each other in real life? I don't know. If we had found out that we couldn't be together in person without fighting, we would have ended it. As for attraction.... I was already attracted to her. How she looked physically wasn't important. That's never been an important thing for me. I'm attracted to personalities first, and eyes second - since I think they reflect the personality. But, we were lucky in that we both think the other is physically attractive too.

Wow! Way too much rambling. I'll shut up now.