Thought you could use a laugh

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

> my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a

> little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman

> needs something to protect herself with, right??

> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

> Nothing!

> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc

> of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

> the face of her microwave.

> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really

> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must

> admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give

> this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

> assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

> taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock

> and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out

> of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

> batteries.

> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,

> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with

> two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

> side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from

> such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give

> myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .

> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

> in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over

> and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

> position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

> position, and tingling in my legs?

> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a

> picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

> avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note

> of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

> yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

> your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second

> burst would be considered conservative?

> IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed

> the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

> The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

> originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

> bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling. Apparently

> I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell

> was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came

> from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a

> significant reward for their safe return!!

> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

> 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Saddle Bronc 124]

[Nagishkaw 510]

:lol:

[Mina76 0]

Ohhh I could use one of those 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser!

[Hannah+Vito 0]

I'm sorry but that is sooo funny. Thanks for the educational lesson of the week. Now I know never to try "that" at home.

Edited July 17, 2008 by Hannah+Vito

[Beachmouse 0]