When your kids still don't like your new husband

[Shari 6]

I need fellow VJer's advise. To make a long story short:

05/04: Told 1st husband I wanted a divorce after 23 years (he had an affair early in marriage, became an alcoholic, etc). Three kids, 12, 12, 18. I stayed in house w/him but in different room until I could afford to move out.

08/04: Moved into rental house and got online and met Keith the very first week I moved out. My oldest daughter (18 then) along with my mother hated the fact I was "dating" someone from England (and maybe daughter thought it was too soon from her dad - though she knew of his problems)

01/05: Finally filed for divorce from 1st husband

03/05: Divorce final and Keith came over for our first visit. Oldest daughter was hateful and wouldn't even meet him.

04/05: Filed K1.

05/05: I went to England and met his family (mom and kids).

09/05: Keith and his son fly over after receiving K1/K2 visas.

10/05: Get married.

10/05-07/06: Keith can't get job because of work permit and then after can't find one until July (oldest daughter refers to him mooching off me)

07/06: Keith gets job offer 10 hours away. Kids refuse to come with us and think I will be abandoning them - they would rather live with their dad. Keith changes mind last minute and says he will stay because of kids and try to find a job in town. He finds one the next week but it is half the pay of what he is used to and not what he has ever done before. He continues for a year trying to find other local jobs.

09/07: Over a year later the job he turned down 10 hours away is offered again, and this time it is too hard to turn down as he regretted it the first time. Accepts job. Oldest daughter and twin son are livid we are actually going through with the move this time and along with my mom insist Keith didn't "try" enough to find job in town. NOT TRUE! He was an engineer in England working his way up to Senior Engineer but without BS degree which here in US he could NOT find any engineer jobs because he didn't have BS degree. Now I am bad mom too for "abandoning" my kids and choosing him over them.

10/07: Keith moves down and I stay until twin daughter finishes semester in high school. They love the fact he is gone for two months (though visits twice).

12/07: I move and twin daugther comes.

And from that time on my other two can't stand Keith for "taking me away from them". They are now 16 and 22 living with their dad. It will NEVER change I know they way they feel about him in their eyes and it really upset me today after I had a phone conversation with my oldest daughter and how she never accepted him in the first place because "he was a stranger" that I brought to live with us. Also, she says I have split my familly up because of him. I was in tears a while ago (hubby is at work). He tried to give them every opportunity to like him and he is now angry because they never gave him a chance and they still believe he ruined their lives. It is so hard on me sometimes but I absolutely adore and love my husband so much, and then my oldest makes me feel so bad. I keep thinking the older she gets the more she will understand that her mother is HAPPY, and though I believe deep down she knows this, she is still blaming me for leaving with him and not telling him no, stay in town. She lived with us before we moved and actually seemed to get along with Keith (when she wanted to), but has a side to her I can't explain. She and my son came down to visit a couple weeks ago and things were okay the first half of the week but then she shot her mouth off to Keith (she likes to start stuff) and the remainder of the week they stayed away from each other which was extremely hard on me. Help! I'm letting her get to me and I know I shouldn't - she is so bull-headed and never backs down.

[keltic 1]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. You deserve happiness. Your children are still children and can only see things through how it affects them. I am sure they did not understand when they were little all the reasons for the limits that you set then. Mom knows best. Things really should get better as they get older. Your 22 yr old surprises me that she is still acting as if she was 16 yrs old. If her complaint was that he was "mooching" off of you, then she should be happy that he is doing what he can to bring more money in and make life easier for the both of you.

I wish I could offer you something more. I can only offer moral support. Ultimately, they need to see that you are committed to your husband and very happy with him. It might show them how things are supposed to be, as opposed to being miserable in a marriage to a man who is a cheater and alcoholic, or alone.

[rebeccajo 14]

Your kids will grow up and lead their own lives one day. You can't live your life for them (which is what you did when he turned down the job the first time). You have to eat; you have to be warm; you have to pay the light bill; and most of all you have to be happy.

Keep telling yourself that - each day. It's about the only way a person can deal, I think.

[Peikko 1,575]

Sorry, but this is another situation where I think you could use professional help. Again, I am sure everyone here will sypathize with your situation - it is obviously really tough and if sympathy is all that is required then you certainly have that. However, as for actually dealing with the situation - your situation is unique to your family and only someone skilled at dealing with these difficult issues is going have a hope of helping you with it and even then there is a high chance that it will not work out exactly as you would like it to (children happy for you, keen to have a relationship with Kieth and no more 'guilt' thrust on you for choosing to live your life for yourself as well as your children).

My opinion, for what it is worth, I think it is important that you focus on the good things about your new relationship and don't try to split yourself in two trying to make everyone happy - that can not succeed and you will probably end up with no one being happy. I hate to say it, but the 22 year old is probably the one that will have to 'adjust' to your new life and accept it even in bad grace because if she is allowed to dictate what happens, you will probably ruin your current relationship with your new husband eventually. However the guilt you are feeling because she 'doesn't like what you are doing' is not going to magically go away.

[Shari 6]

Thank you Keltic and Rebeccajo. Though it helps when I read your replies, it's hard to remain steadfast when I talk to her on the phone and she tells me that her 16-year-old twin sister is with us but her 16-year-twin brother is not and he needs/needed me to be his mom, the mom who left. He did have a choice - they all did - in coming with us, though I knew he was close with his dad and my daughter was in college. Again, it comes down to the guilt she makes me feel for leaving them (particularly my son, so she says) for Keith as he had a job there and we could pay the bills, but didn't have money to save and Keith needed/wanted more opportunity and also more money to help us to save for things we need (3rd car for daughter, down payment on house one day - in apartment now, etc.). And to that she says we also chose money over them. I honestly cannot win with her. She argues better than any adult I know - she has been this way since she was 6 years old.

[Shari 6]

Sorry, but this is another situation where I think you could use professional help. Again, I am sure everyone here will sypathize with your situation - it is obviously really tough and if sympathy is all that is required then you certainly have that. However, as for actually dealing with the situation - your situation is unique to your family and only someone skilled at dealing with these difficult issues is going have a hope of helping you with it and even then there is a high chance that it will not work out exactly as you would like it to (children happy for you, keen to have a relationship with Kieth and no more 'guilt' thrust on you for choosing to live your life for yourself as well as your children).

My opinion, for what it is worth, I think it is important that you focus on the good things about your new relationship and don't try to split yourself in two trying to make everyone happy - that can not succeed and you will probably end up with no one being happy. I hate to say it, but the 22 year old is probably the one that will have to 'adjust' to your new life and accept it even in bad grace because if she is allowed to dictate what happens, you will probably ruin your current relationship with your new husband eventually. However the guilt you are feeling because she 'doesn't like what you are doing' is not going to magically go away.

Thanks for the reply. I know that it puts a strain on Keith and I when my kids calling griping, etc. We have never fought about it, but I realize I just have to stop her in her tracks before she gets going on me. As for professional help I assume you are talking about me since daughter lives 10+ hours/550 miles away in another state. My sister, who can quote the Bible, tells me too that your spouse comes before the kids (God, spouse, kids). Funny how when I was in a bad marriage I ALWAYS put the kids first and now that I have realized what a GREAT marriage is, I am putting Keith and myself first.

[Peikko 1,575]

I did mean for you to try to deal with the 'guilt' that is being imposed on you yes.

I have to ask, but you don't have to answer but is your oldest daugther playing 'mom' with the ex husband? You say is is an alchoholic so I am not quite sure how the two of the kids end up being with him - seems strange unless the oldest kid is allowing the household to 'function' by taking control of it.

[Peikko 1,575]

I'll keep quiet viz-a-viz the 'religious order of household happiness.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks for the reply. I know that it puts a strain on Keith and I when my kids calling griping, etc. We have never fought about it, but I realize I just have to stop her in her tracks before she gets going on me. As for professional help I assume you are talking about me since daughter lives 10+ hours/550 miles away in another state. My sister, who can quote the Bible, tells me too that your spouse comes before the kids (God, spouse, kids). Funny how when I was in a bad marriage I ALWAYS put the kids first and now that I have realized what a GREAT marriage is, I am putting Keith and myself first.

Happy marriage, happy kids. It's got to be one of the worst feelings a child goes through when their parents are not being kind to one another, but then act sweet to the kids. I went through a bit of what you've experienced with your children - for awhile, my daughter blamed me for the divorce and she would play out this loyalty game between my ex-wife and I, even when my daughter came to live with me. Although my ex was not an alcoholic, she grew up in an alcoholic family. I think loyalty is one of the characteristics of dysfunctional relationships - where often times the alcoholic manipulates family members to 'love' them. Hopefully your grown children will seek the therapy they need as adult children of an alcoholic father. Just keep loving them as best you can and they'll eventually come around.

[*JG* 2]

Your kids will grow up and lead their own lives one day. You can't live your life for them (which is what you did when he turned down the job the first time). You have to eat; you have to be warm; you have to pay the light bill; and most of all you have to be happy.

Keep telling yourself that - each day. It's about the only way a person can deal, I think.

You may not like who they choose to marry and live their lives with either; but you will have to be decent to that person. Perhaps it is time to sit them down and talk about it all. Let them vent. Tell them how you feel. In the end, tell them, I love this man and he WILL be a part of my life. If you choose not to make him a part of your lives, that is going to be your loss.

Sometimes if you let people control you by their actions and reactions, they will continue to do so.

I could not agree more with RJ too.

[DARUMA07 25]

Your kids have to understand that YOU have a right to be loved by a man of your choice... Ask them do they want MOM to be by herself and lonely once they get out and get on with their lives... Tell them you have enough love to share with them and your new husband. I know it's hard for you to be caught in the middle, but as long as your husband loves you and is good to you, your kids are just going to have to get over it.... Good Luck to you!

[Shari 6]

I have to ask, but you don't have to answer but is your oldest daugther playing 'mom' with the ex husband? You say is is an alchoholic so I am not quite sure how the two of the kids end up being with him - seems strange unless the oldest kid is allowing the household to 'function' by taking control of it.

Oh yes, I should have clarified. He started drinking during the 8th-9th year of our marriage heavily and did so for four years (that was hell). He became sober after going to AA meetings. Good question though.

[Ban Hammer 13,977]

it seems that your family is quite rigid and your husband won't get an even break from them. that your kids do all of that is selfish on their part. all of them need to clean up their act and meet you and your husband halfway on things.

[rebeccajo 14]

Shari -

What does a 16 year old know? They live in an eternal present and think pretty much only about themselves.

[jundp 191]

Shari, I am saddened to hear what you are going through. I agree with Rebecca that you have to live your life. I think in any divorce, no matter how amicable, there will be times when kids will be manipulative. It sounds to me, though I am by no means a professional, that your daughter is still dealing with her own issues about the divorce and is using her anger towards you so she won't have to face the issues.

In the end, your children will grow and make their own decisions and you cannot live your life for them. All we can do is give them love and a solid foundation and hope they make good choices in their lives.

FWIW, my good friend just got remarried after being divorced for about 10 years. She was with her now husband for 3 years before they got married. Her oldest daughter, who is 17 cannot stand the new husband and does everything in her power to cause strife. My friend finally had to say "enough is enough" and things have calmed down. Sometimes the kids just need to be told, but sometimes family counseling is needed too.

I wish you the best.