Seriously Out of Control...

[Steve Y Jessica 1]

I will be changing things. We have gone several thousand dollars into credit card debt helping to pay for his family's emergency expenses. And we can only pay the minimum balance each month because he still sends several hundred monthly, whether we can afford to or not. And the few times I asked him to hold off, his brother in Lima actually became angry that the money was late!

He said he would get a second job to cover the debt we incurred, but it was an empty promise. He seems to believe that because he has a job, he can use his earnings as he pleases. I have a job, too, and I use every dollor to pay our bills. We rely on his paycheck now more than ever since we bought a house.

His brother has cancer and is undergoing treatment. This has been going on for over a year now. Therein lies the guilt issue that torments my husband. I know he's torn. But where (and how) do we draw the line?

I suppose I'll set up an account separately for my husband. What we have "left over" each month can go into there and he can do with it what he pleases.

I do appreciate all your helpful suggestions.

And what would they have done if he had not married you? I am sorry but I think it is 100% unacceptable to plan on sending money every month, especially when you can not afford it.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

My husband sends too much money to his home country. He's done so, in fact, several times where we are not left enough to pay our own bills without overdraft from our credit card. The debt is piling up because he truly believes that his family back home will simply not survive without his monthly donations.

In the meantime, his own family here is under constant financial strain. Everytime this discussion comes up, he becomes ultra defensive and sometimes verbally insulting. He says, "It's a cultural thing...you don't understand..." Blah..blah..blah...

I think the guilt just eats him up. His family in Peru are always telling him how destitute they are. My question is: They survived just fine without his salary before, why can't they do it now?

It's getting worse and worse. We just had a baby and bought a house. Sending several hundred dollars a month to Peru just isn't an option anymore. But he simply won't hear it.

I might just lose my mind

If the funds sent home are to help with brother's cancer treatment, which has been ongoing for a year now, I can understand the pressing need for a sibling to help with a life emergency such as that. One can't always project what sorts of emergenices come up. What strikes me is the comment that you just bought a new house. When did the new house come into the picture? As a couple, the best time to ascertain what you could afford should have been addressed then, no?

[TracyLuis 0]

My husband sends too much money to his home country. He's done so, in fact, several times where we are not left enough to pay our own bills without overdraft from our credit card. The debt is piling up because he truly believes that his family back home will simply not survive without his monthly donations.

In the meantime, his own family here is under constant financial strain. Everytime this discussion comes up, he becomes ultra defensive and sometimes verbally insulting. He says, "It's a cultural thing...you don't understand..." Blah..blah..blah...

I think the guilt just eats him up. His family in Peru are always telling him how destitute they are. My question is: They survived just fine without his salary before, why can't they do it now?

It's getting worse and worse. We just had a baby and bought a house. Sending several hundred dollars a month to Peru just isn't an option anymore. But he simply won't hear it.

I might just lose my mind

If the funds sent home are to help with brother's cancer treatment, which has been ongoing for a year now, I can understand the pressing need for a sibling to help with a life emergency such as that. One can't always project what sorts of emergenices come up. What strikes me is the comment that you just bought a new house. When did the new house come into the picture? As a couple, the best time to ascertain what you could afford should have been addressed then, no?

We're not paying much more for our house than we were paying for rent. Renting is a waste. And we needed a house for our child.

We can afford our house. My husband just lost control again this month and put us in a very bad situation. He acted very impulsively and irresponsibly. He's done this too many times and I'm just really, really frustrated.

If he would just stick to our agreement...

Edited July 13, 2008 by TracyLuis

[chnst 6]

Tracy, I'm sorry! Don't give up on your marriage, you two have been through so much! But I do agree that you have to put your foot down. I can see that he wants to help out his brother so desperately; that makes him a very caring person in my eyes. But he needs to understand his responsibilities for you and Drew. Sit him down and talk about it. Tell him how you feel and that it hurts your marriage, suggest counseling to him, maybe that will make him realize that he needs to set priorities with his and your money.

I hope you can work this out!

[Susita 175]

It sounds like he's overridden with guilt and feels obligated to send money to his brother, but I don't understand how his family can get 'upset' if money that he's giving with his heart is late?!? If anything, they should be happy he's even doing it in the first place when he has a son and a house and a wife to take care of. It sounds to me like he's being taken advantage of too in this situation.

I know family is a touchy subject, I would hate to have someone tell me that my family is taking advantage of me, but I really think you guys need to talk and he needs to realize that as much as he's trying to help his family, at the same time, you're suffering. It just doesn't seem fair to me. It's sad that his brother is sick, I'm sure he feels horrible that he can't do more and that he can't be with him. Sending tons of money that you two don't even have doesn't compensate for that though.

Los deseo lo mejor, espero que todo vaya bien

Que dios los bendiga

Suzy

[natty bumppo 297]

who is he supporting ?

a concubine ... family ....

he better get his sh!t together fast ....

[Brad and Vika 129]

I am so sorry you are going through this Discussing and resolving financial issues across cultures can be so difficult. We are discussing the family support situation now, and are far behind you in our visa journey. Thank you very much for posting your thoughts and frustrations

[Sassy1natl 0]

It really does sound like he feels guilty. I hope venting has alleviated some of the frustration that you must be feeling. Now maybe you can sit down as a couple and discuss, going forward, your financial situation. I am sure that sending his family money isn't the issue, it is just the amount. Good luck to you.

[zqt3344 21]

Just curious, do none of you people ever sit down and discuss financial matters well before you said I DO or even think about money matters before getting married?

My husband sends too much money to his home country. He's done so, in fact, several times where we are not left enough to pay our own bills without overdraft from our credit card. The debt is piling up because he truly believes that his family back home will simply not survive without his monthly donations.

In the meantime, his own family here is under constant financial strain. Everytime this discussion comes up, he becomes ultra defensive and sometimes verbally insulting. He says, "It's a cultural thing...you don't understand..." Blah..blah..blah...

I think the guilt just eats him up. His family in Peru are always telling him how destitute they are. My question is: They survived just fine without his salary before, why can't they do it now?

It's getting worse and worse. We just had a baby and bought a house. Sending several hundred dollars a month to Peru just isn't an option anymore. But he simply won't hear it.

I might just lose my mind

[rebeccajo 14]

Just curious,

Are you just naturally rude or do you have to practice?

Just curious, do none of you people ever sit down and discuss financial matters well before you said I DO or even think about money matters before getting married?

My husband sends too much money to his home country. He's done so, in fact, several times where we are not left enough to pay our own bills without overdraft from our credit card. The debt is piling up because he truly believes that his family back home will simply not survive without his monthly donations.

In the meantime, his own family here is under constant financial strain. Everytime this discussion comes up, he becomes ultra defensive and sometimes verbally insulting. He says, "It's a cultural thing...you don't understand..." Blah..blah..blah...

I think the guilt just eats him up. His family in Peru are always telling him how destitute they are. My question is: They survived just fine without his salary before, why can't they do it now?

It's getting worse and worse. We just had a baby and bought a house. Sending several hundred dollars a month to Peru just isn't an option anymore. But he simply won't hear it.

I might just lose my mind

[eric&gen 0]

If i was in that financial situation thank god I'm not i would block all accounts from take away checking account and credit cards what ever he has. He needs to be taught a hard lesson threaten to leave or do something before its too late and get thrown on the streets. Family of yours comes first especially child.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

It is a hard lesson, do you think it comes from some that come from not having much then thrown into this life where to them of course it is more than they knew but to us we are just getting by

[Ggreen 12]

Just curious,

Are you just naturally rude or do you have to practice?

Just curious, do none of you people ever sit down and discuss financial matters well before you said I DO or even think about money matters before getting married?

My husband sends too much money to his home country. He's done so, in fact, several times where we are not left enough to pay our own bills without overdraft from our credit card. The debt is piling up because he truly believes that his family back home will simply not survive without his monthly donations.

In the meantime, his own family here is under constant financial strain. Everytime this discussion comes up, he becomes ultra defensive and sometimes verbally insulting. He says, "It's a cultural thing...you don't understand..." Blah..blah..blah...

I think the guilt just eats him up. His family in Peru are always telling him how destitute they are. My question is: They survived just fine without his salary before, why can't they do it now?

It's getting worse and worse. We just had a baby and bought a house. Sending several hundred dollars a month to Peru just isn't an option anymore. But he simply won't hear it.

I might just lose my mind

He just need attention, who knows what problems he had in his childhood.

[Marilyn. 340]

Just curious,

Are you just naturally rude or do you have to practice?

Just curious, do none of you people ever sit down and discuss financial matters well before you said I DO or even think about money matters before getting married?

My husband sends too much money to his home country. He's done so, in fact, several times where we are not left enough to pay our own bills without overdraft from our credit card. The debt is piling up because he truly believes that his family back home will simply not survive without his monthly donations.

In the meantime, his own family here is under constant financial strain. Everytime this discussion comes up, he becomes ultra defensive and sometimes verbally insulting. He says, "It's a cultural thing...you don't understand..." Blah..blah..blah...

I think the guilt just eats him up. His family in Peru are always telling him how destitute they are. My question is: They survived just fine without his salary before, why can't they do it now?

It's getting worse and worse. We just had a baby and bought a house. Sending several hundred dollars a month to Peru just isn't an option anymore. But he simply won't hear it.

I might just lose my mind

He just need attention, who knows what problems he had in his childhood.

pssst, zgt is a she.. or so she says....

[Sassy1natl 0]