Seriously Out of Control...

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Put your foot down and say no.

[LaGreenEyes 0]

A few years ago we had this discussion, even though my husband comes from a family that is not by any means rich, they are middle class working professionals like we are, but it was a just in case because of the "cultural" thing. I did have a friend of mine that went through something similar to you about 5 yeaars ago.

Thank goodness for my husband and I it was never an issue or a problem. However the old excuse of it being a "cultural" thing I really think is a cop-out, it's more like a "show off" thing. Like one poster said above, if the money stops the family may feel ashamed. If he wants to get into a cultural discussion, maybe you could go about it explaining that now he is in the USA and our "cultural thing" is to first take care of your own home, wife, child and bills, and it is not exactly a status symbol to have to declare personal bankruptcy..i know that is probably a far-fetched exaggeration but it's small things like a few hundred necessary dollars a month being "gone", and with the prices of everything going up..you can never be too careful. Ask him how would he and his family feel if that happened to you all and that this sending of money was most likely the direct cause? Might that make him stop and think?

Or, if it is "things" that he thinks they need, can he order and pay for things on the internet and have those things sent to them instead of just sending cash? Perhaps there are stores in Peru that have websites and ya'll can order and they can pick up? I know that here in South Florida and also in Texas there are businesses that serve as 3rd party shippers as to avoid some of the customs duties for just that reason. This way you'd be able to provide them what it is he thinks they need and also keep better tabs on it all. 100.00 can buy a lot of nice clothes at Oldnavy.Com. If it's household things they need..Overstock.com.

[Nessa 23]

he truly believes that his family back home will simply not survive without his monthly donations.

that's what I don't understand. How did they survive before he could send them money? I don't know, but I've never sent my family money while I was in Brazil, I most certainly wouldn't start now.

yes, I am financially more stable here, I sent my mom a george foreman grill i'd never buy her in brazil, but tha'ts pretty much it.

Ok back to the subject, budgeting is everything. You guys make x money a month, x-y goes to the bills, x-z goes to grocery, gas, etc; x-w goes to entertainment (when you guys go out to dinner, etc); x-q goes to savings, then finally, you have a small amount of money that he can send to his family. So simple.

[rebeccajo 14]

Tracy -

I agree you could use some counseling. Probably financial counseling more so than marital.

Let me ask you this - are you really sinking into debt? Are bills going unpaid? Are you using credit for essential needs? If the answer to those is 'no', some of the 'action' going on in your relationship may be your perceptions of financial well-being, which don't match his.

College is a worry, but what has happened thus far won't affect your childs ability to attend school. The baby is very young. Any financial missteps made so far can be forgiven.

I've a good friend who tells me her husband gets similar requests from back home. Recently he told his family 'no' - and it caused him no end of guilt. I've never gone through this personally - my husband's brother is all he has left back home and he's never asked us for anything. But I imagine it probably takes some time for the family left back home and for the new arrival in the US to sort out 'what's what'. I know it has for my friend's husband.

Remember this - every couple goes through financial growing pains. Try to measure whether or not the responsibilities of your new home and child aren't causing you to 'overreact' to spending that is outside of your budget. Your husband is being pressured from his family - he probably needs some help from you in setting reasonable boundaries for helping his family as well as taking care of you and his child.

My guess - just as someone who's lived through several financial disasters of her own - is that there is a middle ground here somewhere.

Edited July 12, 2008 by rebeccajo

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Write it down, your bills, food, home,dr, utilities etc anything you normally have comes right off the top, a certain percent for (your unknown) goes into a saving account for the unknown...and if your like me not much will be left....., i dont know if he works, if he does, he pays his share then if he chooses to send some fine...if it still continues, start getting rid of things, first the cable, no going out to eat, get the idea....if hes not suffering hes not seeing there is a prob because his life is all good let him start doing without some of the things he likes....

[Peikko 1,575]

Just like that? Without talking to him about it? I don't know what some people think communication is but doing things on your own to grab someone's attention doesn't really fit my experiece of it.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Not really looking for help. (I don't think there is any...)

Just wondering if others experience this dilemma and how they handle it.

I'm sick of arguing with husband. What he fails to grasp is that without MY income, he wouldn't be able to send anything at all! I make twice as much as he does.

Everytime we come to a compromise, he inevitably breaks it. There's always an "emergency"...

what do you do after you talk and try and it still doesnt work, its just as much your life take matters into your own hands

[Peikko 1,575]

It's probably a good sugestion if the OP wants to end the marriage. Not so much if she wants to find some kind of resolution.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Not really looking for help. (I don't think there is any...)

Just wondering if others experience this dilemma and how they handle it.

I'm sick of arguing with husband. What he fails to grasp is that without MY income, he wouldn't be able to send anything at all! I make twice as much as he does.

Everytime we come to a compromise, he inevitably breaks it. There's always an "emergency"...

what do you do after you talk and try and it still doesnt work, its just as much your life take matters into your own hands

The war of the roses. I understand the sentiment, but once each spouse is digging their heels in and insisting it's their way or the highway, the marriage is headed for disaster.

[Jenn! 918]

This is really tough. I think you're going to have a difficult time getting him to compromise from what you've said so far. If he makes agreements and then breaks them, chances are he will continue to do that.

If I were you I'd be helping him look for a better-paying job ASAP. Is overtime a possibility? If you can't fix things on the spending side, then try the earning side.

I hope everything works out.

[Steve Y Jessica 1]

I agree, they survived just fine before you came along. They can survive just fine now. Sending money regularly needs to stop. You did not marry your husband so that you could support his family. You and his child are his number one concern now.

My wife knows that this will not happen when she gets here, and she agrees. There is no problem if there is an emergency, same with if there is an emergency with my family. But then again, I will not give more than I can afford. Whatever the emaergency is.

[peejay 327]

Not really looking for help. (I don't think there is any...)

Just wondering if others experience this dilemma and how they handle it.

I'm sick of arguing with husband. What he fails to grasp is that without MY income, he wouldn't be able to send anything at all! I make twice as much as he does.

Everytime we come to a compromise, he inevitably breaks it. There's always an "emergency"...

I'm the US born citizen and my wife is the naturalized citizen, but both of us have relatives in Belarus and Russia.

Both of us have given money to our relatives over there from time to time for various reasons. We do not give money on a regular basis. Mostly for birthdays or holiday gifts, but also we both have given money when it was requested for a worthy reason. Both of us each has only done that once. My wife also gives money to her adult daughter that lives in the USA (but not with us) to help her out from time to time, but not regularly. All of these gifts or loans of money were done out of savings and did not take away from the operating expenses of our household. Otherwise we would not do it. That's the bottom line.

I make a lion's share of our income and pay most of the bills, but my wife work's too. She has her own checking account and any gifts to her relatives come out of her wages. The gifts to my relatives come from my wages.

I'm not sure what constitutes an "emergency". Some of my mom's relatives live in the rural Belarusian villages without running water or indoor toilets along unpaved pot holed dirt roads. However, they have their chickens and gardens to live on as well as their meager state pensions. My wife's father and stepmother live similarly in Siberia. While it is a harsher way of life than most of us enjoy in the USA, it hardly constitutes an "emergency". They survive and are not in a life threatening situation. That is their life for better or worse.

[caybee 21]

I don't know what kind of economic situation your husband was used to, but my husband's family has never used a bank account, so the idea is still a little abstract. If we put everything in the bank and use debit cards or checks for almost everything, my husband is more likely to think there's more available in the bank than there is, and he spends a bit more freely, including the amount we send home. We've started carrying cash for groceries, gas, really everything except utility bills and rent, and we're spending a little less because the money is more "visible." I pay the regular bills out of our bank account, and he cashes his check and carries the cash and pays for most things when we're together. When he does this, he tends to watch every penny, literally, and I tend to spend less this way also. This may not help at all, but what about paying in cash for as many things as possible, including what he sends home, and just using the checking account for things you must write a check for or pay for electronically? It might give him a more concrete idea of what you actually have and where it is going.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't believe all is lost. This is not unusual in a marriage at all. It's a matter of figuring out what methods work best for you as a couple. A counselor may help tremendously. Good luck.

[TracyLuis 0]

I will be changing things. We have gone several thousand dollars into credit card debt helping to pay for his family's emergency expenses. And we can only pay the minimum balance each month because he still sends several hundred monthly, whether we can afford to or not. And the few times I asked him to hold off, his brother in Lima actually became angry that the money was late!

He said he would get a second job to cover the debt we incurred, but it was an empty promise. He seems to believe that because he has a job, he can use his earnings as he pleases. I have a job, too, and I use every dollor to pay our bills. We rely on his paycheck now more than ever since we bought a house.

His brother has cancer and is undergoing treatment. This has been going on for over a year now. Therein lies the guilt issue that torments my husband. I know he's torn. But where (and how) do we draw the line?

I suppose I'll set up an account separately for my husband. What we have "left over" each month can go into there and he can do with it what he pleases.

I do appreciate all your helpful suggestions.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I will be changing things. We have gone several thousand dollars into credit card debt helping to pay for his family's emergency expenses. And we can only pay the minimum balance each month because he still sends several hundred monthly, whether we can afford to or not. And the few times I asked him to hold off, his brother in Lima actually became angry that the money was late!

He said he would get a second job to cover the debt we incurred, but it was an empty promise. He seems to believe that because he has a job, he can use his earnings as he pleases. I have a job, too, and I use every dollor to pay our bills. We rely on his paycheck now more than ever since we bought a house.

His brother has cancer and is undergoing treatment. This has been going on for over a year now. Therein lies the guilt issue that torments my husband. I know he's torn. But where (and how) do we draw the line?

I suppose I'll set up an account separately for my husband. What we have "left over" each month can go into there and he can do with it what he pleases.

I do appreciate all your helpful suggestions.

Oh my gosh, Tracy.