Seriously Out of Control...

[TracyLuis 0]

My husband sends too much money to his home country. He's done so, in fact, several times where we are not left enough to pay our own bills without overdraft from our credit card. The debt is piling up because he truly believes that his family back home will simply not survive without his monthly donations.

In the meantime, his own family here is under constant financial strain. Everytime this discussion comes up, he becomes ultra defensive and sometimes verbally insulting. He says, "It's a cultural thing...you don't understand..." Blah..blah..blah...

I think the guilt just eats him up. His family in Peru are always telling him how destitute they are. My question is: They survived just fine without his salary before, why can't they do it now?

It's getting worse and worse. We just had a baby and bought a house. Sending several hundred dollars a month to Peru just isn't an option anymore. But he simply won't hear it.

I might just lose my mind

[Amby 490]

sorry to hear that. my husband wanted to send money to his mom as well. she lives in our house in england for free so I was able to shut that one down really quick without much argument from him.

could you make it with still sending them some money just not as much?

I agree with you that if they could make it just fine without his salary before then I don't understand why they can't do it now.

good luck!

[Peikko 1,575]

I think you might need to take this issue to some kind of counselling service. While I am sure everyone here would sympathise with your sitiuation, I really am not sure what we can do to help you out with this.

[Ggreen 12]

Helping others is a nice thing but why sending fish every month? why not a fishing rod?

they can get money by doing small business.

[TracyLuis 0]

Not really looking for help. (I don't think there is any...)

Just wondering if others experience this dilemma and how they handle it.

I'm sick of arguing with husband. What he fails to grasp is that without MY income, he wouldn't be able to send anything at all! I make twice as much as he does.

Everytime we come to a compromise, he inevitably breaks it. There's always an "emergency"...

[franklie 0]

it may be that he sends the money to show that he and you are doing well in America because that's what everyone in Peru expects. Once he started it he can't stop it because it would be humiliating for him (he would lose face) and would show that he is not telling the truth.

or maybe my comment is out in left field...

[Carol and Bruno 0]

Not really looking for help. (I don't think there is any...)

Just wondering if others experience this dilemma and how they handle it.

I'm sick of arguing with husband. What he fails to grasp is that without MY income, he wouldn't be able to send anything at all! I make twice as much as he does.

Everytime we come to a compromise, he inevitably breaks it. There's always an "emergency"...

You might not agree with this, but this is what I would do:

I would keep your finances separate. You're married so you both are responsible for the monthly bills. I would split everything 50/50. He would be responsible for giving you his share monthly. The money he has left he can do whatever he pleases with it. If he wants to send it all to his family then so be it.

He could, however, not give you his share and you'd be left to pay everything. But, then again, it sounds as though it takes both of your incomes to make ends meet so maybe it wouldn't be possible to keep things separate.

I do think you should try to explain to him that you and his child are now his "immediate" family. You come first and he needs to realize his family in Peru is secondary. I agree with "vjmmbr" that he shouldn't be supporting his family in Peru, but helping out occasionally when necessary.

I have already informed my fiance that we will not be sending money back to his family. His family has been responsible for their own lives and this will not change due to him being married to an American and living here in the States.

I hope this gets resolved soon between you two.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Sorry this causing stress for you, Tracy.

My wife also feels obligated to send money to family back home as her older sisters have done so for her. In some countries, family is all you've got when someone in the family needs surgery or other unexpected expenses.

I would recommend sitting down with him when you are both calm and reaffirm to him that you understand his generosity and support it, so long as your immediate family needs are covered first. Perhaps coming up with an agreed amount per month that is set aside for him to send to family?

[Ggreen 12]

Not really looking for help. (I don't think there is any...)

Just wondering if others experience this dilemma and how they handle it.

I'm sick of arguing with husband. What he fails to grasp is that without MY income, he wouldn't be able to send anything at all! I make twice as much as he does.

Everytime we come to a compromise, he inevitably breaks it. There's always an "emergency"...

You might not agree with this, but this is what I would do:

I would keep your finances separate. You're married so you both are responsible for the monthly bills. I would split everything 50/50. He would be responsible for giving you his share monthly. The money he has left he can do whatever he pleases with it. If he wants to send it all to his family then so be it.

He could, however, not give you his share and you'd be left to pay everything. But, then again, it sounds as though it takes both of your incomes to make ends meet so maybe it wouldn't be possible to keep things separate.

I do think you should try to explain to him that you and his child are now his "immediate" family. You come first and he needs to realize his family in Peru is secondary. I agree with "vjmmbr" that he shouldn't be supporting his family in Peru, but helping out occasionally when necessary.

I have already informed my fiance that we will not be sending money back to his family. His family has been responsible for their own lives and this will not change due to him being married to an American and living here in the States.

I hope this gets resolved soon between you two.

I agree with the above...

I meant he need to help them financially to start a small business that they will get money from it so he can take care of his wife and kids.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Ah...I don't know about splitting household income....because it get pretty sticky trying to figure who pays for what. She ordered the Chines take-out last night, but you ate it - who pays? Also, incomes are rarely equal, but that doesn't give the bread winner more say in how the finances are handled.

It's really a matter of respecting both sides of the argument and coming up with a compromise that both sides can live with. I'm sure they can do that if they sit down and talk it out calmly.

[Jesti 0]

Cultural thing is not easy to understand, mostly if we from country like US. I tried to send money to my parents every month, part of it is because cultural thing, part of it they need help. They make money much more less than here, and don't have any credit card to buy foods.

I think your husband is in bad position right now, because he'd like to help his family, and other hand have his own family need to take care.

Try to learn about your husband culture maybe can help.

Hope you solve the problem soon, good luck.

[TracyLuis 0]

Good suggestions. We HAVE agreed on how much he can send each month...but he never sticks to our agreement. It seems there is always a reason why someone there needs more money from us.

It's so irritating that everyone relies on us, when my husband has 4 other siblings who don't help much at all (some of them do nothing, in fact). He sends money so impulsively/emotionally that he doesn't stop to take into consideration that just because there's some money in the bank, doesn't mean it's not already "spent" on the bills that are piled on the counter.

I'm not a stingy grinch, but I'm sick of his family assuming that because I'm American, I'm "rich". We've sent them thousands of dollars already -- thousands -- that could be going into our child's college savings. Instead, we're just sinking further into debt.

I agree we need counseling. He doesn't hear me. Our marriage is in trouble.

[Teacher Mark 53]

Sorry this causing stress for you, Tracy.

My wife also feels obligated to send money to family back home as her older sisters have done so for her. In some countries, family is all you've got when someone in the family needs surgery or other unexpected expenses.

I would recommend sitting down with him when you are both calm and reaffirm to him that you understand his generosity and support it, so long as your immediate family needs are covered first. Perhaps coming up with an agreed amount per month that is set aside for him to send to family?

"

Ditto

[Susita 175]

Sorry this causing stress for you, Tracy.

My wife also feels obligated to send money to family back home as her older sisters have done so for her. In some countries, family is all you've got when someone in the family needs surgery or other unexpected expenses.

I would recommend sitting down with him when you are both calm and reaffirm to him that you understand his generosity and support it, so long as your immediate family needs are covered first. Perhaps coming up with an agreed amount per month that is set aside for him to send to family?

"

Ditto

I sent you a PM I hope things get better 4 you two

[Ban Hammer 13,619]

i think it's time you took control of your finances - separate checking accounts for one to keep him from spending money that is already committed. work out a budget - post it somewhere that he can see it. there's no call for him putting you in debt.